You took nothing
And yet everything from me
I asked for naught but you gave me life
And bleeding wounds scabbed
Scars on my soul with years past healed
I laughed
And lived
Like I hadn't been alive before
The stars lit for you and me

Everything is raw
There is no better word
Three minutes or three years
Could pass between thoughts of you
And I still regret everything

I did something wrong?
I turned you away?
Was the health of my mind scary
Did it make you run
From this burning inferno of my forested soul

I miss everything
And yet nothing
For you took me
And returned my broken pieces
But left the image of you
Whole

I have a family
Extended members don't know
But then again
Neither do my parents

If they knew would they cry
Could I watch the tears streak down their cheeks as my practiced story is retold and
Sinks in

Would they tell friends,
Turn a blind eye to the misconceptions of my disease
Maybe protect me when my back is turned
Or would they weep
Crocodile tears
Then love again
Love again as they were before
But with new information

Do you think if I shouted my demons across the seven seas
Would pirates look at me in awe of my strength
In awe of my brittle bones that have stood strong without help
Would they look at themselves and remember the battles they've had with
Themselves
And believe in me when I don't

If I told my parents
Finally
As my therapist tells me to
Would they hold me
Even when I hate being touched
The way skin holds skin
How fat of mine is transferred with fat of yours
How I have always hated it
But it doesn't matter when affection comes before personal beliefs

It disgusts me
My body
I hope you know that
I hope you realise why I can't be touched
By family
Because you broke me bulimia

And cracks aren't healed with hugs.

You didn't really leave when you died.

There's still that image of you in the back of my mind when I pass your favourite colour on the street.

There's still that uncomfortable silence after I say 'Hey' and I expect you to turn and ask 'what?' but it doesn't happen.

There's still the silence that creeps up against your parent's skin when they have to tell people they had a child and it takes a while for them to notice the past tense.

There's still an echo of your voice in my head where you you used to laugh about our inside jokes...but now they're just statements to me.

There's still that song you love and it still exists in your collection somewhere piled up in your wardrobe that is slowly fading away.

There's still that lingering memory of you when I pass by the place we met. Sometimes it's deliberate - other times, I pass by and break down in the corners of the street because I wasn't meant to see you there.

There's still that uncomfortable ache in my heart that you ripped out when I saw the yellowing of your papery skin in that decaying hospital bed.

There's still that one person who could've met you but instead will go on a lifetime meeting similar people but not quite the same as your wonderful and beautiful and heart wrenchingly perfect self.

There's still the first text you sent saved on my phone, and the fact that it will exist forever even if just in binary code drives me insane!

There's still the unfamiliar chill in your bedroom when I visit because the medication I've started taking since you left gets me a little more sentimental than normal but your parents still let me in to roam around because...they're just as numb as me.

There's still the family wondering forever if they could of done anything and the weight of their thoughts are heavier than the amount of earth we tilled to bury you.

There's still you in everything I do and I'll never get past it.
But, it's okay...
because soon, one friend, like I, will write a similar poem like this about me as I join you up in Heaven.

There's still the option to live, but I guess it left with you.