I have existed within the womb
for four years now
I needed to
Before I had escaped back into the womb
I had experienced the harshest realities
Splitting me open
As if I were a frog being dissected
By a cold scientist named Life

I cried in that womb,
Most times I wanted to leave
Before I was ready,
Before I was fully developed
Before I was equipped to face
Both the harsh realities and
The splendid beauties
Of an earthly existence

I was a rose bud,
Tightly wound,
Not ready to open
Coaxing myself to open,
To be ready
Never did the trick

Only linear time
Got me to where I needed to be

These things take time

But patience was never a strength of mine
Yet,
Now I'm beginning to understand
The river of Life
And how it flows,
And how I simply must allow it
To go

And with every passing groove I grow
Incrementally,
And then all at once

The baby makes its way through the birth canal,
The flower blooms

My heart awakens
And now I'm ready
To follow her.

Where does my inspiration come from?
My broken heart...
There are cracks in my heart
Made by deep sadness
That’s where the inspiration slips through
A melody emanating from my heart
Is released through the cracks

It’s bittersweet, it always will be
Sometimes the melody is pure, unaltered joy
Other times it’s agonzing sadness
But no matter what song spills through the cracks of my heart
If I allow it,
It makes me become more human

If I resist the song,
Because I don’t want to experience it
Then I close myself of
From the beautiful symphony of life.

Hello,
former lover of mine
I love you

Why must we be apart?
The distance between us is breaking my heart.

I remember days when you professed unrelenting love for me
Where did those days go?
Why must those days repeat in my mind's eye?

In desperate attempts to forget you I seek out other foreign lovers
But none compare to you
They distract me for a little while
But once I am done with my futile relations with them,
I throw them away
And hope and pray that I will see you again, soon, someday.

I think to myself: Is everyone around me spellbound by the mediocre?
Or set up within a dogmatic routine?
I am not quick to call someone unintelligent,
but I disagree with the way people are using their intelligence.

Lover once mine,
Why did we part?
You were my only companion that truly knew,
and thought like me too
You were my twin flame

Could I really ever get over you?
Could we ever get over the wounds we inflicted onto each other?
I am such an idealist and I really think we could
But you're a realist...
So, my love, do you think we should?

It's hidden,
among the thick viridescent vines
It's somewhere just beyond the cumulus clouds
It's tangled within the particles carried in the smoke
exhaled through her pursed rouge lips

It's akin to a polychromatic dragon,
slithering through the boiling concrete like
a rainbow snake

It's a doe, staring at you
Blankly
Absorbing your soul

But you never look into the mirror for too long,
Do you?
Because if you do
You will start falling into yourself
Over and over
through infinite dimensions
Your mind will flip you like a hologram
through cubes rotating
on a conveyor belt
You would lose your body,
momentarily disassociated,
Eternally disconnected

But it's funny you see,
Because I talk in riddles
For you to not quite understand me
The significance is imbued within the images
If you dare contemplate them

It's hidden
Like the soft roll of the sea
tugged gently by the crescent moon
On the sand it's finally quiet,
No more bustling life

Maybe it's hidden
Behind those iridescent sunglasses
Hidden in those concealed eyes,
That concealed heart.

I'm in my hideaway
A cave of glorious wonders
Where in my lonesome,
I stay
Having no sense of time,
Having no sense of days
Each day melts slowly into the next,
In the thick glittering summer haze

My hideaway has miriad iridescent shells,
Reflecting the sparse light that makes it into the cave
In the cave I feel safe,
Finally
So far away from the
Bustle of life
Finally, finally
I can close my eyes and
Say goodnight

But in the morning I awake Replenished,
In the morning I awake anew
I take in a fresh breath
Of the crisp and salty air,
For I am in a cave,
By the sea
In my mind's eye
Far away
To gain some clarity.

You get me high,
I chase the magic dragon of your love
My mouth is foaming,
Heart aflutter,
My mind is on cloud nine,
Convincing me there has never been another
Quite like you
And I'm peeking into the abyss
I'm trying to comprehend this,
Comprehend love,
This fire that has overtaken me,
Pummeling my being
I am in the fire,
I am only seeing,
You in everything
I am your prisoner,
You've taken my mind captive
All I can wonder is what has happened?
I'm singing with the birds,
I can't wash this smile off my face,
I just can't tell quite yet,
But I want to grab you and never let go,
But my instinct tells me:
*Take it slow

Hallowed eyes,
Blue marble skies,
Amber pond in the sun,
Dark embers of a fire
Looking, searching
The landscape

Rugged hands,
Mountains with sharp rocks pointing to the sky
Callouses resembling caverns
In which I rest

It’s reassuring
To stay
Caught in this web of vines
It’s reassuring
Caught, searching,
Feeling my way through
Dancing in the water.

I see you're hanging by a thread
You are tired, pespired
Nearly expired
But my desire
Has failed to wane
I stand here by this window pane
Willing to be patient
Like I have,
For other loves before you
Because love is patient,
And so much more
Hold me in your arms,
Tell me what I want to hear
Take me far far away from here.

I hold on to
A fantasy
It is dancing in the wind,
Getting far away from me.

This day I wait for will never come
I wished for it
Upon the seeds of a dandelion
Whisked away by the wind
Is it a sin to cling
To ideations?
I drive myself insane
Filling these inane days with
Infatuations clogging my brain
I remind myself
To open my eyes to reality
That is rife with strife and triviality
But I eventually drift back into the perpetual dream
For living is painful,
And all too real
When I no longer bare to feel,
I shut my mind,
Eyes wide open,
Where the fantasy is once again
Revealed.

I like things that are bad for me
I just have to be honest

I'm not saying it's okay
To be attracted to the chaos

But it feels like a magnet pulling me,
Constantly

A life of addictions
Always has me questioning my sanity

I want to have hope
For a day when I won't feel this way

When I will be able
To articulate my truth clearly

Saying yes to love resolutely,
And no to hatred-- without exceptions.

Shimmering, glittery, golden
Basking in the sweltering sun

The sun is an orange orb
Big, giant, hot, burning.... burning

Feeling skin brush againt cold flesh
Feeling another heartbeat pressed to your chest

Beating hearts intertwined
The golden orb consumes

Honey drips down
Glittery, golden, sweet

On our way to being complete
Yet seperated by a chasm so deep

How shall we build a bridge?
I want to get to you

You're so far
I'm in the passenger seat of your car

Chattering like a gang of birds
You smile, but it is rehearsed

I want to dump honey on you
Thick with love and affection

So your heart will be revealed,
And also my heart for you

Glittery, shimmering, golden, true
The orange orb is you.

I bathe myself in hope,
Pastel bubbles run down my skin
And enter in through my crevices

This hope reaches through to my darkness
This darkness like a split off part of myself
Head down, body contracted, heart wounded
My hope reaches my darkness
And offers it healing,
And my darkness gradually, cautiously
Blossoms to the buoyant light of hope.

Hope is a good thing, you see
Hope is a good thing when life’s got you down on your knees
Sometimes it feels like nothing ever goes your way
You’re sequestered away in your prison cell,
Your own skull-encased hell
The one you created by clinging to your fear and misery
Fear that when a good thing comes along it might leave
But didn’t you know
The gate of your cell was never locked
You could’ve left whenever you wanted
So now, go
You’re free to roam
That cell was never your home
Though you grew accustomed to it
You are free
From your suffering
If you choose to be
It may take half a mile through that last stretch of darkness to feel free
But don’t lose sight in that tunnel
When you’re out
Feeling the unrestricted ground beneath your polished, free man’s shoes
You’ll experience the electric joy of freedom
Coursing through your hope deficient body
And then you’ll know
All that hanging on to fanciful hope through the years of despair
Was a good thing.

The red sun sets on the horizon
Making the trees on the hilltops shadowy figures outlined in gold

The flowers sing their final song for the day
They’ll shut their petals
Until tomorrow
When the new light of dawn will rise again

Then the promise will be fulfilled
Once again
As it is every new day
With its every promise
Rising and setting,
Rising and setting.

Everyday of my life
Is a practice in rising and setting,
Making the small daily adjustments
That are in alignment with
Fulfilling the ultimate promise.
It’s in fulfilling the little promises
That the ultimate promise can come to pass.

How can you remember anything
when you’ve turned off your mind
How can you experience anything
when your heart is silenced?

How can you know who you are
when you’re a people pleaser
Smiling fasley
Averting your eyes to conceal your truth deep within

My words pour through me like clashing symbols
Desperately trying to make a statement
Seeking to grab my attention
But I’m elsewhere
I’m never here
Sometimes I subsist in reveries,
But mostly I suffer through nightmares
with eyes wide open

There is a sickness growing silently within me
But I’m not here to tend to it
I sometimes peel back my armor
and re-enter my body
when I’m with another person
whom I believe might be able to receive me fully,
Someone who could possibly see me and love me
But I’m left stranded
After courageously revealing my tender soul
I guess they were simply too blind to see
My pure, childlike beauty
So I stuff my real self down again,
Down underneath my false representative
Below the surface of my fake identity
Is the only place my real self will ever belong

But I can’t accept that,
It’s not my truth
Maybe social conditioning
tells me I must follow the rules
to fit in
But I don’t want to fit in anymore

I feel something rising within me,
Something latent that I’ve dismissed within me for so long
It is my battlecry,
It is my truest song
I just won’t allow fear to hold me back anymore
I’ve got this one life,
And what is it for?
I may have hit countless rock bottoms
But I’ll always rise,
For with every time I rise
I become stronger,
And wiser
And kinder,
Softer, more weathered
But humbled
With every instance my heart was cracked
It opened
Wider and wider

So you see,
I can’t be what you need me to be
I can’t go back to who I used to be
I must answer to this new life beckoning me
I must rise once again
To invite this process of becoming everything I am meant to be.

How things change
From laughing in the rain to
crying in it
Nearly drowning in the grey skies

How things change
From the carefree laughter of a child to
the stuttering, clutching mess
of a cynical adult

How things change,
I remember only the happy days
of childhood
Now I'm looking for any way out
of the misery of adulthood

So eager for a quick fix scheme
I don't do drugs but I'm looking for escape
Tempted to pull a Christopher McCandless or Cheryl Strayed
I just need to find some way to get away

Now I understand
When I was a kid I didn't understand why adults were so frustrated
My dad used to say: "Never grow up"
But I was eager to become an adult, like most kids
Yet now I wish to reverse
Because the older you get the more your eyes open up to just how much this world is cursed

When I was a child I trusted blindly,
I was able to believe in things like Santa and the Easter Bunny
I know many believe Jesus Christ is just the same,
Lumped in together with nonsensical creations of the imagination
To soften the blow of a world that can be so unforgiving

But I like to believe he once did live
And if he lived
He truly is the best human being who walked this earth
Who wasn't deterred by scorn and persecution
Who carried out the message of love and brotherly union
I think Christians forget,
that Jesus isn't about religion
It's about transforming our world,
with courageous hope in our hearts
that our small impact
Will make ripples in the atmosphere
that grow bigger and bigger
Until the Kingdom of God
makes everything right

Maybe these aren't your beliefs,
And I'm not sure I can get on board with most of Christianity's beliefs
Like eternal suffering in hell
Because I know that this life is hell enough
But all I am sure of,
at least for myself
Is that Jesus came into this world for people like me
Down on their luck
And in much need of healing
He came for the sinners
He makes people humble
by His saving grace
He calls people to Him
asking them to leave everything behind
But what does the world really have to offer?
This is why I follow Him,
I step out onto the waters
Into the great unknown.

Step One: Rules do not apply to you. Neither does popular opinion.

Step Two: A type of fearless courage is your badge of honor

Step Three: Get used to the fact that you will not fit in with the majority of the people you meet

Step Four: Cleanse yourself of all previous programming and learn to think for yourself

Step Five: Live

Step Six: Be free

Step Seven: Let go of anything that imposes on your freedom

Step Seven: Live modestly and wisely. Don't attempt to make a public spectacle of yourself by adopting mainstream "rebel" trends like spiky multi colored hair. Rebellion isn't merely changing your appearance, it's a radical internal shift in which you decide to go in the opposite direction of mindless sheeple

Step Eight: Practice love and compassion. Shut your mouth once in awhile and listen. This way you can understand other people and their unique viewpoints

Step Nine: Believe in yourself. Because no one else will believe in you as much as you need

Step Ten: Live as an agent for God and your life of righteous rebellion will be for a good cause. You don't want to be a rebel without a cause now ;)

An orange orb encircles the periphery,
A sunset on a cliff
Torrential rain
Muddies the orange hues.
This cliff is for remembering
Things that must be remembered,
To be embodied, and then
Let go of
By dissolution

The cumulonimbus clouds
Must release rain
In order to dissolve.
You too,
Must process
All of your trauma
To be free from it
So you can become like the sky
After a storm
During a sunset.

Before we figure out how to be tenderly strong
we must first decipher what it means to be tenderly strong

To be tenderly strong
means to be soft and vulnerable,
playful like a child,
with a wide open heart
that jumps at every opportunity to share love

But that just covers the tenderness
We mustn't abandon our strength,
Our will to advocate for human rights
The New Thought movement has taught people
That there is no other,
That all evil is based in shame
And all aspects of life that are incongruent with peace
Are merely illusion
They say everything is love,
Even the act of ****** (I actually read that in a new thought book)
But calling evil things good
Only make us complacent delusional idiots
High on feel good endorphins
While we turn a blind eye to people's suffering

To be tender and to be strong
Seems almost at war with each other
But now I am seeing that you need to be tender first to be strong,
And you must be strong to protect your own tenderness
Your tenderness is your wide open heart that loves the whole world and everything in it,
Your strength puts that love into action
Your tenderness is wholly compassionate and can hold deep space for other's suffering and for your own,
Your strength knows how to measure out and deliver that compassion
Your tenderness is the friendly kid-like kindness that you want to gleefully share with everyone,
Your strength is the loving parent that sets healthy boundaries with the outside world, allowing the inner-child to play in security

You need both tenderness and strength
In relating to the world
you can't be too saccharine or people will walk all over you,
and you mustn't be too strong or people will never be able to know you intimately.

I'm only human,
With scars and marks and bruises
Let's sit at this table and share our pains and amusements
Let's learn from each other
And pray that the internal screaming in our minds
Dims to a faint whisper,
May we blast Love and Hope and Peace
Through our hearts,
May our hearts grow three sizes bigger
Like the Grinch's heart
And may we find in each other
A quiet solace
Ready to hold each other in maternal arms
YOU ARE LOVED
This I must confess
To myself and to every other suffering soul
You are so dearly loved
I see your suffering
And I'm willing to meet you
At the place of your utter defeat
And in that place
I shall lift you up
And put a crown upon your head
And bless you in a way
That will make you forget
All the tragedies before now
So, relax, my Dear
You've made it this far
But no matter where you are,
You are always so close to My Heart.

Glowing faces
In beautiful destinations
Saying "Pay me so I can show you how to live like me"
Give them your money, your time
Their joyous lives fill your Instagram feed,
Filling you with a insatiable need
To consume what the lifestyle they are selling

Life coaches, spiritual masters, transformation guides
All these people who've got the life
While you turn to them
Through your screen
Looking to them to tell you what life means
They say "Pay up, happiness isn't free"
And you scramble in search for money,
Because they say they sell what you need

You work your nine to five,
And live your tired life
You try to make ends meet
Your kids are ungrateful,
Never looking up from their myriad screens
Your husband left you
In search of a woman who looks like she could be in her teens
You eat your ramen, no, it's not gluten free
You wonder how your life got to this--
In two words: Miserable drudgery

You go on social media,
Look at all these lifestyle gurus
Talking about how happy they are
That they could burst at the seams
They've got the money,
And the perfect honey
And the luxuries,
They take selfies on distant beaches,
Smiling cheek to cheek
They are happy
And they are trying to sell you their lifestyle

They create e-courses, e-books, e-everything-and-anythings
On how to follow what they did
to become so happy, so wealthy, so blessed
It's all a mindset, they teach
You can get anything you desire
If you work hard enough for it

It's a revolution,
With all these self love lifestyle gurus
Infiltrating social media
But are we selling our souls,
To these people
who don't truly understand
What it's like to be you?
What it's like to be financially poor,
Abandoned and lonely,
Unattractive by society's standards,
I'm not saying they haven't been through
their own stuff,
But can you really commodify a lifestyle?
Can you put a price tag on helping others?
Especially when that price tag is thousands of dollars?
This help is for the privileged,
And those that need help the most
will go without,
as usual

I guess I just crave humility
In this selfie culture,
I truly ache for authenticity,
Real helping,
Real healing,
And not all of this showiness,
Disguised as expressing gratitude for your amazing life
On social media

Perhaps we can all wake up
From the spectacular little daydream of our own lives
To the reality of the worldwide suffering going on right at this moment
Maybe if we stopped posting about the atrocities on the news,
Got off our phones
And did something to change our world,
Things would be different.

I can change
I assure myself
But doubt still dwells in me
Keeping me chained to old ways that are slowly eroding my joy
Fading colors until everything I see is covered in a film of grey
It’s so difficult to push against this
When the resistance comes from within me

But there’s a flickering flame
Igniting the hope that I can change for the better
That I can start caring for myself
Despite my upbringing of neglect
That I no longer have to be against myself
And disregard my needs
But slowly rise
In becoming stronger
By making incremental changes
Until one day, I tear through my chrysalis
To expose my wings.

I don't believe in love the way I used to
I use to dream of far off fairy tale kingdoms
Where valiant princes rescue damsels in distress
But I've grown a lot, I've evolved
I like being strong for myself,
Having my own interests
And being liked for me and not just my appearance
I don't feel like I need love in a romantic sense
I feel like all my needs for love are met
By way of a diverse gang of interesting people
My patience is being cultivated
As I dive deeper into these intimate heart connections
That initially feel scary
But are so rewarding in the long run
Maybe I'm just training for the most soul-shattering
Love relationship in my life
But the dynamic of this relationship won't be the knight in shining armor, damsel in distress paradigm
But two whole people entering into a union of love
Shaped by boundaries
And molded by mutual respect
So, no
I no longer believe that anyone can "save" me in the form of a romantic relationship
I saved myself, with the support of my community
But ultimately,
I did the work, but my community allowed me to put my work into practice.

If dreams came true
Right now I would be holding you
I would be so deep into the center of my bliss
I would see the world in vibrant hues
My inner world would become warm like honey with your every kiss
I dream of you,
But dreams never seem to come true
I like to think of love as a fairytale
So maybe that's why I find it to be so elusive
It's like trying to catch a mythical faerie
That flies so high, so far away
She is beautiful, ethereal
Yet so out of reach
Maybe I put the idea of love on a pedestal
But I won't accept
Tarnished love
I can't seem to settle for what I would call
Lackluster love
Love that is devoid of imagination, wonder, whimsy
I want the magic,
I want the deep, earth-shattering connection,
But can I be open to
The shadow?
The darkness of another
The hurt, the pain, the dull quiet ache of their unexpressed wound
That needs my love
To encourage it to the surface
And heal it in the light?

I'm always looking for a thrill
That will fulfill
The echo humming silently within
I search for a bridge
That will bring together the chasm between my heart and my mind
It pains me to be so distant,
To feel nothing inside

And yet I started to feel something today,
Like a a sprout growing forth from barren soil
My fears birthed from years of endless toil
Were overcome by the power of Love
It cut my fears down to size
It opened up my eyes
It gutted me and had me on the floor crying
Thinking of absurdities, like dying
I felt so many things I haven't felt in so long
My heart was bursting forth with so much bittersweet love
My ego caved and my insecurites could not be saved
As the wave of Love ravaged my every notion
And suffocated my ego in the depths of the Ocean
Where I experienced profoundly God's undying devotion
His love is unconditional, limitless
In endless supply
How could I fathom this,
Being a little human, am I
But I took "I" away
And saw
We are all
Eternal brothers and sisters
Stuck in our internal wars
But God just wants to love us
And heal our our scars.

I wish God were a home.
I would twist the copper door ****
Of a weathered wooden door
And enter into
The warmth of God's heart
In the center would be a fireplace with a roaring fire,
Which is God's unconditional and inextinguishable love for humankind
There would be sweetly soft leather coaches covered in white furry pillows
And laying on that couch would be like being sprawled out and carefree in the arms of our Father
All the books of the home
Would hold the endless stories
Of God's personal love for you
And it would have the account of every miniscule moment God showed up in,
All the mundane tasks and routines God was a part of
Even when we didn't notice His presence
And in the living room,
We would find an old friend
A very dear friend
A friend who loved us so much that he died for us
But he's Alive once again
And he's looking up at us from the reclining chair he is sitting in
And he is clothed in a golden robe with purple accents
And he's just so beautiful to behold
He's smiling the most genuine smile I've ever seen
And there is dry blood crusted around where the nails were hammered in on his wrists
And he says to me:
*Nice to see you my friend,
Where have you been all this time?
I've been waiting for you to
Welcome me back into your life.

If I could tell her the things I see
When she’s not here....

Her boyfriend is my friend,
Don’t worry, I don’t like him
He’s a flirt,
Hungry for attention
But when I see him act like this
All I see is a love-broke beggar

She’s thousands of miles away,
But she’ll be back soon,
Probably by the end of June
They have a long distance relationship,
Attached to a screen,
It’s like his girlfriend is trapped within a machine

He picks me up to go to a social gathering
I laugh with my friends,
But I can’t help noticing
Him saddling up to attractive women

He makes them laugh
And calls them pretty
I look on with disgust, not envy
For it’s his girlfriend that I pity

I want to scold him,
Tell him what he does isn’t right
Why is he seeking superficial attention,
When he has a great girl who is a refreshing source of life?

If I were a boy
I would have so much less fear
I wouldn't always have to look behind my back
And be wary of who I choose to keep near
I wouldn't have to be scared about being assertive
When the guy who's flirting with me makes me disconcerted

If I were a boy
I could go out for a jog
And run in a remote area
I could go hiking and camping all alone
And not have to worry
About being ***** and murdered

If I were a boy
I wouldn't have to question what clothes I wear
Hiding myself under layers,
Because I'm scared
That I'll be abused and ravaged
If I'm attrative

If I were a boy
Reading the news about
The **** and ****** of women
Might not affect me as much as it does
It wouldn't make me reconsider
If I should go outside today,
Ride my bike alone today
Make sure the door is locked and the alarm is set
So hopefully I can get my rest
Without fearing for my life

If I were a boy
Maybe I wouldn't imagine
What it's like to be a woman
Going about her life,
Suddenly attacked by a stranger,
Struggling for her dignity and then her life
Dying under the crushing force of hatred in her killer's eyes

If I were a boy
I wouldn't understand the reasons why a woman would be scared to be a woman.

If you wanted to know,
Then yes,
I like you
If you wanted to know,
Then yes,
I love you
If you wanted to know,
Then yes,
I adore you

Everything you do mesmerizes me,
From the way you move to the way you talk
The way you smile and the way you look into my eyes
The way you nervously look away,
If you wanted to know,
Then yes,
I care
And I notice
And I see
What others don't

If you wanted to know,
The heart wants what it wants
And my heart
Wants you
Flaws and all
I am blind to all of them
All I can see is You
Past the confusion and pain
And all the time gone by without gain
I thought you were gone for good,
But look,
You're back
Walking beside me
Exactly where you should be
By my side, in my heart
Stay here and don't depart.

I finally saw you again yesterday,
I walked in,
And there you were
I was surprised to see you,
But I hid it
I acted like
It hadn't been months since I last saw you

We've known eachother for a year now,
You were different yesterday
I was different
We've changed,
We grew
Into something beautiful,
Into something new
And I must confess,
It was so nice to see you
I wish I could openly profess
Just how much I love being near you.

I have a crush
What a rush
I can't push or feel
I just flow and kneel
Just surrender
To this ineffable splendor

Pause and breathe
cause I just have to release
That's the only way
I'll feel ease
It's my heart I want to please

Our eyes
pause on each other
Our mouths
are slightly gaping
I understand so much
in that moment
and know so little

All I can feel is
this rush,
I know this much:
I have a crush.

I just wanna be me
Because that makes me happy

I wanna go down to the creek and dip my feet in water
Forget all the titles: Woman, sister, daughter

I'm gonna flash my pearly whites
And not worry if my joy is too bright

I'm gonna stride down the street with confidence
I'm going to accept and believe all the compliments

I'm putting doubt and fear to the side today
Because I just know, everything will be okay

I'm gonna be as carefree as the birds and the bees, the wind in the trees
I'm just gonna be me.

I want beauty like the blue sage
Beckoning the hummingbird,
Petals open
Fertile ground between throbbing lips
******* like mountain peaks,
Round and supple
Yearning to be touched and devoured in his hands
I want beauty, deep beauty
Raw beauty
And aliveness
Fully alive
I hunger to be fully alive
With this earth, with creation, with the pulsing energy of the cosmos
I’m alive
On fire
Pulsing
Awake and dreaming
I know what I want
Life,
To live.

For years,
I had so much pain...
Too much pain,
But I finally let it go,
And now all I can do is grow
And laugh and love and feel,
I can feel once again!
What a wondrous phenomenon!
To be alive, once again,
Thank the Lord above,
For giving me the strength to *let it go

I want to tell you a story about sadness,
Deep, rot your bones depression
Where no happiness like bleach
Could undo the stain of irreversible pain
I took drugs in hopes of escape
I wandered streets,
Alone and hollow
So shaken
I would walk
Unable to see clearly ahead of me
I was an anxious mess
I slept for days
And wept inconsolably
I cut my wrists
As deep as I dared to
I would look into the mirror,
And it seemed that the face that looked back at me
Was a face I barely knew.

But somehow,
By God's grace
I survived that former agony
Without a trace
It has taken some time,
A few years
To heal from the traumas of childhood and adolescence
But within this slow and steady transformation
I have both transcended and become grounded
I have managed to transcend what was formerly sabotaging me,
Yet what I have transcended has made me a realer human being
In touch with my roots
that I had forgotten for so long
I am more compassionate, you see
Finally, once again
Living in divine Love,
Remembering who I really am.

I can guarantee
I am not a perfect human being
I wish that I could always feel this complete,
But I admit
There are still times
Where the un-ease creeps up again in me
And it blinds me from the True Reality
Of an all pervasive Love always caring for me
But I do attest
That I always try my best
To surrender my small human desires
To a power, beyond me,
Oh, higher and higher
I am merely an intermediary
Of earth and sky
A divine human being
Earning her title of Saint
So, now, I must persevere
And wait
And wait
And wait.

This is always how it goes
I'm smiling
Up for hours
Thinking of you
I'm in love
But I'll deny it
You see the spark in my eyes
Caused by the flame in my heart
Glowing ever so brightly for you
It's like I'm turned up-side down,
On my head
Looking at the world all wrong
And it doesn't make sense
But this love that defies logic still grows strong
It's like a river cutting through rock
With time and persistence
The rock is everything that everyone says is impossible
But love, replenishing and fluid like water
With great currents
Leaves the Impossible on it's knees
Love, my love
Is like a clock,
Spinning
Or a circle
Swirling into itself
My emotions will be sorted eventually
I can't make sense of my feelings logically
I think I love you,
But I'll just have to wait and see.

Close my eyes
Unaltered,
No faults
A soul full of thoughts
And whims
And musical notes that consist of hymns.

Desperation, perspiration
Fear has left here--
The inhabitants of my heart
Because tomorrow is for a new day to start
To leave behind this mediocrity.

Trails
If you're feminine you're too frail
And vulnerable
You can't follow where your heart wants to take you
Your dreams-- You have to stay home with them.

In many ways our collective intellect is growing
Seeds of reasoning have been sown
Leaving very little left to be known
But sometimes you need to disconnect from your society
And be alone
In order to truly understand
That your mind is your only home.

So goodbye to everyone narrow-minded
Your attempts of kindness were spoiled by your shortsightedness
and your closed hearts
I don't need you
I only need water to drink and air to breathe
I'll set out on a trail and never look back
Only up to observe the sky and the trees
And one day on this journey, I'll find what I'm looking for inside of me.

Eight years ago today
We hung out for the first time

We cut school-- tenth grade
We walked up the hill into the village

We got big slices of pizza
Then went to the bookstore

You were quiet, I was unsure of what to say but still talked
I said you were a good listener

You walked me home
We hugged and you said: "I'm gonna miss you"

I walked inside
I felt so happy.

I love you,
The Risen One
I love you,
You are the fire in my heart
I love you,
You revived me after years of grief
I love you,
You sheltered me through every storm
I love you,
You guide me through this treacherous world

Please never leave me,
Though I often forget you
Please quell my anxieties,
Quiet the violent waves within,
Reassure me that you’re with me
Guide me into your serenity.

Amen.

Go home
Echoed in the trees
In the wind
Dancing all around me
Listen to your heart
My heart, tucked safely behind
Old ribs
Go back to a place of endless posibilities, this town you subsist in lacks in mobility
This I know, and it's slowly killing me
Go back home*
Yelled the babbling brook
It's time, once again
To find my roots.

I feel hollow,
Thrum thrum thrum,
See? Hollow.
It hurts to feel hollow
I miss things I shouldn’t miss
I’m remembering incorrectly
It hurts, it just hurts
I want to feel the sun and be whisked off my feet by joy
But my heart is heavy
I miss things I shouldn’t miss
That relationship, was a drug
An addiction
I miss things I shouldn’t miss
My mind and body and heart
Are craving a hit
I’m in withdrawal
Ouch
Shaking, hollow, thrum thrum thrum
Who am I?
I’m missing things I shouldn’t miss.

I've got a big heart
that needs to lavish love on aching souls--
Souls malnourished from a lack love
But my love runs out
and I run dry
Yet these hungry souls
keep stealing from me
like cannibals feeding on the weak
And now I know why

I can't just give them what they need
People need to learn how to love themselves
without the desperate pleas for attention
when what really needs to be addressed
is a deep desire to be truly seen

Maybe I think to much
Or believe everyone wants to heal
I just don't get why it's so hard for some people too love,
Why it's so hard for some people to feel

My healer tendencies have got me dying
I'm trying to feed the world while I'm starving
First,
I've got to feed myself.

I'm so in love, I can't deny it
I tried to hide it
But I simply couldn't fight it
bubbling forth to the surface
My heart is beating rapidly,
My feelings are inexplicable
I just want to wrap my arms around you
And kiss you
Oh, please don't call me despicable

And I know you want it too,
From all the little things you do
But why, WHY?
Do we force ourselves to conceal?
We're so afraid of getting hurt,
But getting hurt is just a part of being real
My stubborness can't hold me back anymore
Because everytime I look into your eyes
I become elated inside
And I can't stand not seeing you for days,
I just want to be near you,
I just want to know you,
Hold you in stormy weather
And kiss you in spring
I want to be your fortress,
I want to heal your broken wings.

I murdered Lust on a street corner
It was a dark and foggy night
A street lamp flickered above her
She stood in it like it was the spotlight
She always craved to be bathed in
The center of attention
A woman desperately pursuing affection.

She wore a skin-tight skirt
Fish-net pantyhose
Long high-heeled leather boots
A black tank top
I looked into her swollen face
And she looked up and smiled at me
This sort of smile that is automatic and plastered
Her face was powdered, blushed and bronzed
Layers of illusion painted on
Her eyes were dead
Black substance like molded milk ran down her under-eye creases
She spoke as she exhaled a cloud of smoke:
"Happiness is only real when shared."
At her I glared
Her, standing there, waiting for someone to pay for her tricks
And I asked her: "Do you do it for love or do you do it for drugs?

And she froze
Froze like the lake in winter
I moved in closer
I realized,
She was staring into a void
That I could not see
A paranormal void
She tried to speak
But she had become too weak
She fell to the ground
I checked her pulse
But she started to choke
I cradled her in my arms
And shed a tear
She vanished into dust
Right before my eyes
The midnight breeze carried her away
And I can't believe
That I murdered Lust that day.

Celebrating an identity in a gender
Oh! The lipstick,
Oh! The spanx
To God I give thanks!

Being female,
What a blessing,
Even though, I've got to tell you,
These gender roles can be depressing

Nothing like dressing up for a date,
Don't forget, you must be royally late!
Pile on the mascara, concealer and lipstick
Hey mama, don't forget to pull down your dress a bit
You almost forgot to reveal your cleavage!

Please, by all means, empty that pretty little head of yours
Of any intelligence or reason
Girl, your only purpose is for a man's pleasing!
Now, get to that appeasing
You shouldn't be wasting all your time teasing.

Oh, mama, cry it out
Weep and pout
Gossip with your girls
Reject that pretty girl...
Who does she think she is, being naturally beautiful?
She doesn't deserve friends
If she needs support, she has an abundance of men who can pretend.

Go ahead now, pull up that mini skirt more
What do you think he's looking for?
Do you think he cares about your brain?
You're insane!
Do you think he treasures your heart?
Oh please, don't fall apart.
Do you think he'll still love you when you're old?
What, do you think men fall in love with your soul?

In celebration of being female
Let me spare you some advice
Love yourself with all you've got
And please, stop begging for it (love)
Stop showing your legs for it
If you cultivate dignity for yourself and
Love yourself
True love is guaranteed forever.

Last year I was inert,
A desert of my own
A planet out of orb
I saw things from a distance
I felt things, only safely
And I only did things
When no one was looking

But I grew, boy, did I grow
Like a ***** breaking forth
From a sidewalk crack
I externalized a long held internal scream
And I let,
Yes, I allowed
Myself to beam
To show the world
The very best and the very worst
Parts of me

These days,
I refuse to feel shame
For the things about me
That are less than
I am broken and beautiful
Incomplete on my own, yet strong
And I refuse to hide myself
In fear of being attacked by an onslaught of criticisms,
Telling me of everything about myself that is wrong
But I choose to take the risk,
Everyday,
To walk out into this world,
Armorless and brave
So maybe I will have the chance
To reach out to an ailing heart,
Like I once had,
And help those hurt people to see that
They are so loved,
By Jesus
And that in Him we are made complete.

Goodbye never felt so sweet
like yellow suns morphing into pink
Man, life is like a beautiful sunset
Or kissing someone you love
During the soft magical creamy light of the dawn

But I know, boy do I know
That sometimes life has those days
Where it seems like all the colors have been drained
From the flowers, from the birds, the grass, the sun
On days when you feel like the blistery night is
Most relatable
When the moon barely shines
When you feel like you tread this world alone
With tears streaming down from your eyes

But those days,
As deep down as they reach
Don't have a long trajectory
It's just, well,
I know that you are really strong
I mean, I know I don't know you
So you're shaking your head right now
And you're like,
"******* ******,
With your inspirational ****"
I mean, I know
Sometimes I overdo the sentimental

But I've been down in the pit too, okay
And some days I am just literally amazed
That I'm still living, breathing, existing
In this flesh body
I just didn't give up
Well, sometimes I didn't give up simply
Because I was too scared to hurt myself
But
I've learned so much,
I've grown so much
I'm different now
And I'm not sure if I'm happy about that or not
Or just, well, indifferent
But I am happy to be alive

I guess I'm just more spiritual now
I really liked Taoism when I learned about it
In summer school for ninth grade history
You just go with the flow
And see where life takes you
No journeys,
No destinations
You just lay back
And enjoy
Disconnect from the ratrace
Living from a place of infinite grace.

Your words once intoxicated me
I inhaled deeply, against my better judgement
And allowed you to engulf me,
both my heart and my psyche
I ignored the lies
And reveled in the ignorance
Until the inevitable day came
When truth dawned on me like a blinding light
And obliterated every lie in it's white hot truth

I'm still in denial,
Not anymore about you
But about everything
The fact is that I'm an addict
to numbing myself
Because I can't face life's harsh realities
So I just keep running
Into oblivion
I shoot myself up with vices
Blindly wasting time on devices
And all sorts of unfulfilling endeavors
And so my double-mindedness persists
My my pain echoes loudly between my ears, and my gratitude is running low
But there is a deep inner knowing within me
that tells me, ever so softly
"Violet, you have to grow"