When I was seventeen
On a summer day
Me and Sarah
Kayaked to the
Gratified brick wall
Across the beach
She had been there
A few days ago with her boyfriend
And I wanted to see it
For myself

A man
Out catching *****
Was a few yards away
We pulled our kayaks
Up onto the beach
And hid them behind some large rocks and trees

We made our way
Up a steep rocky hill
to the abandoned mansion
There was a gated moss covered pool
In front of the entrance
We made our way
Through a smashed window

Inside,
I gasped
The mansion
Was horrifyingly beautiful
Every inch of the opulent interior
Was defaced in graffiti
Names of the local high schools scrawled out across the peeling paint,
Names of young lovers conjoined by a plus sign

There was a colossal chandelier
Hanging in the massive living room
With walls that reached so high
Empty beer cans and glass liquor bottles
Littered the beautiful wood floors

Sarah and I
Opened the door
To the backyard
And were overcome by an unsettling feeling
As we saw trees
In two rows
On either side of a dirt path
our eyes tried to find an end to the path
But they only came upon
Darkness
On the farthest point our eyes could reach

The tress were old and twisted
I had never seen trees like that before,
Or ever again
So mangled
Yet they looked as if they were all pointing
To the dark distance
We heard the mansion give out a load groan
And we ran

We ran into the
A structure that
Looked like a little round open Greek temple
Situated on a cliff
Overlooking the sea
Sarah lit up her Marlboro red

We kayaked back to the beach
Regretting that Sarah yet again
Forgot her camera.

i appreciate the ache
that comes from
a long day of walking in the sun

like a keepsake
is the joy tucked in my heart
after a day of choosing to smile
and laughing on purpose

some days i feel so connected
so entwined
with everyone and everything
i feel the joy swell through me
and produce love and peace in me

my mind and heart becomes as tranquil as a babe coddled in maternal arms
i rest in this eternal love

i love the ache
of a body well lived
and well loved.

I remember when I was a child—
A happy time
A feeling of joy present inside
But life’s rendered me numb
******* me dry of all the fun
Of letting go and loving someone

We’re stiff, starched, confused
Perfection never made a muse
Maybe our hearts are shut down from past abuse
I just want our love to be set loose,
Free
Like how we were before
Cushioned within a romantic dream

But why must reality be so harsh
And have us crashing down
When we see our lover's glaring imperfections
And the fear of potential heartbreak causes us to close our hearts

Memories of pain skew what’s possible
I want real, deep love
Enthralled and enraptured
Enveloped in the blinding light
Of a childhood happiness lost
And needing to be reclaimed.

My heart is aching
My heart is breaking
And I'm on my knees
That are bleeding
On slate rock

I lift my tired body up
From this cliff
I stretch a foot over the abyss
But withdraw

Why do movies
Make love look so easy?
I cry like a spoiled infant,
I am greedy

I want what I want--
No negotiation
But my unmet longings
Will be my demise

I have to loosen my grip,
Open my eyes
Relax my heart
Stop grasping
Start living
And enjoying
Ah,
What relief
I will receive
When I stop trying so hard,
When I release control to God.

Boy meet girl,
Girl meets boy,
That's how it goes
With utmost certainty
She a beauty, that's for sure
And he's the one dazzling star
That fills up her sky
Their eyes meet
And in those swift seconds
It cannot be denied
That the love that flows between them
Is silent but ever so real

They take things slowly, a little too slow
Because they have both been burned before,
Deluded and parched from unrequited love
They share obvious smiles and subtles signs
Just to pass the time
Because they're both not quite ready to jump in,
Sometimes they worry if they're wasting their time,
But God reassures them that their patience will eventually culminate into the love they wish for,
The love they so dearly deserve

They have sweet dreams of each others smiling faces
It's the small things that start to matter most to them,
People ask: how can you know he likes you?
Maybe it's the curve of his smile that tells me,
The sparkle in his eyes,
Or the kindness that flows through him and touches my heart
Maybe it's in the way he says my name
Or how sometimes he just looks at me, for a split second,
Without words, looking like he's trying to say something but is rendered speechless
Or when he walks in the room and meets my eyes with his first,
Or how when he says goodbye to us friends he looks into my eyes and smiles...
And I smile back
It's just the little things, see?
We're not making out, fondling each other or whispering sweet and redundant nothings in each other's ears
We are reveling in the subtleties
Soaking in every little clue with such intense joy
Treasuring every small step towards our goal:
The true love our hearts long for.

I hid away for a better day
I warmer day, a softer day
I fell into thorns
It had been day, the sun was bright
I wandered through luscious woods
The green calling out to me
But I traveled too far
And the sun grew dark
I looked straight into the sun
It blinded me
And I fell into thorns

I don't need to live this way,
Aimless and without cause
I wonder toward a cliff
I had always lived on the edge
Monotany is more dangerous than risk taking
Stop living your sedentary life,
It's killing you

I ran into the storm
And it swallowed me
I danced in the rain
I threw back my head and drank in life,
In all its glory
I let it swallow me
I let it engulf me

I became a river
An ever changing drop of water
I yielded to the curves of the riverbend
And I can never correctly see
What's right ahead of me
So, I just have to let it be

I'm a blind woman
Without her walking stick
I'm a blind woman, dancing in the rain,
Swimming in the river
Being swallowed by the storm.
And I'm laughing.

Sipping on honeysuckle stems,
Biting into ripe oranges
Juice travelling down my skin
Golden hues glittering in
The warm autumn sun

The sun is an orb of fire
Setting on the horizon
A treasure for you,
To store in your pocket,
Or your memory bank
To be played like a film,
Vaguely remembered,
Deeply felt
I splay my fingers out
Crossing both hands above my heart
I'm ready for this new start

Scarlet and jade tints
Wrapped like vines,
Glinting hints
A reality not yet realized,
A blurry photograph coming to form
You see through the looking glass,
My face is alarmed,
But you told me
I disarmed you,
Charmed you,
Torn down your pride and
Harmed you
You gave me your heart,
No questions
Beauty is a trick,
Love turned to hatred

Apricot skies,
Leaves flying high
Red, orange, green and blue
Whipping through the fog
Fuzzy images emerging from the storm
The intangible taking form,
Deeply breathing
Air so blue
I think I've felt a thousand rainfalls,
Crying through a storm,
Running through a big city,
Unnoticed, all alone
But coral sunsets
And honeysuckle air,
Are the remedy to the distress,
Bubbling just below my hair,
I've found a reason to love
Despite the pain,
I've found my reason to live again,
Grasping my purpose out of thin air.

All things grow with love
Plant the seed,
But it needs love to grow and flourish!

This hollow darkness,
My smile is a veil
No one understands me
My soul is growing ill

I'm an island,
Secluded and alone
Every ounce of my being is screaming out
My lips don't make a sound

I deny this darkness
It's too much to bare alone
But I don't know how to dissolve it
I need arms to hold me that are not my own

My burdens are like bricks
That I carry on my back
I grow wearisome
But I can't cut myself slack

I've been lost in the maze of my heart,
I need to be set free
I'm so confused
I need some saving

I don't seek simple solutions,
Pep talks and self help
I need deep down healing--
Wisdom, not wealth

I know God will see me through,
I'll just have to listen
I can't keep losing myself
Betraying myself by the deception of kissing.

It was sad you know,
But maybe do you think it had to go?

Who knows,
Maybe things would’ve been different
If we hadn’t taken all those missteps, and made all those mistakes
I think we just didn’t truly know each other
Before it was too late

Neither of us really trusted,
It was always a debate
Of ‘do you really love me?’
And ‘is this real or is this fake?’

Because didn’t we both say in the beginning it felt too good to be true
Hearts wide open
Overflowing with love anew
This gift seemed to fall into our laps— after years of hoping

Maybe our fears of it being an illusion made it so
Or maybe we’re two messed up people who ******* it up,
Maybe we’ll never know
I’m just not ready to give it up

But I told him to go
I showed my fangs and roared my fiercest roar
And then, silence
I didn’t hear from him no more

I can’t tell you where’s he’s gone
Just disconnected from me
I understand I went wrong,
But so did he.

Words,
I write these words,
I try to find meaning,
My place among the thorns
My eyes are filled with sadness
Lonliness is my heart's only song
I'll forever be a miser,
Forced to tread this world alone.

Some people wake up every morning
Fill their mug with strong black coffee
And commute to work
At work they slave away for the dollar
That never seems to truly satisfy
The hungry greed growing within them

They once were children
Who said they would be
firemen,
teachers,
artists,
pirates,
astronauts,
authors,
innova­tors and world-changers
When they grew up

On Fridays after work
Sometimes these people
Go out for a drink
After a few beers
One of them opens up to the fellow
coworker they are sitting next to:
"Oh," they'd say
"I have dreams of sailing away
I can't wait for the day
That I am able to break free from
the monotony and mediocrity
and pursue my purpose,
and my dreams"

"What noble ambitions you have"
The fellow coworker will respond
"But what are your plans to make this so?"

The dreamer will answer
"I don't know
All I do know is
That most people
Stay stuck in conformity
And then there are some who
follow their dreams."

Angels come in a variety of ways
When life is cold and stark
And you can't seem figure out where to turn
The ones you thought loved you burn you instead of lift you up
And you end up feeling misunderstood and hurt,
With no where to turn

But God doesn't give up so easily, you see
He won't allow you to believe your misery for too long
For God will flood your life with angels in disguise
Who fill up your darkness with blinding light
From such love you won't be able to escape
For you cannot run away from God's grace

It comes down like a tidal wave
This overwhelming love I can't explain
It gives me an over-abundant bounty to be grateful for,
How could I be so blessed?
And how could I ever deny God and the realness of his love?
I just thank the people,
These angels on earth,
Who surrender their hearts to God
So that they can become vessels of his unconditional love,
Touching and transforming each person they come in contact with,
As the love of God that is coursing through their veins,
Gets transfused into the person who needs it so desperately.

Anger, my sweet friend
You guide me to burn everything
That isn't authentic in me
Sweet flames of surrender engulf me
As hot tears spill from my eyes
This is my beautiful demise
As the lies burn away
And all that remains
Is Truth in it's purity,
Truth in it's peace
Truth in it's joy
Thank you,
Anger
For Killing everything
That was killing me.

This is a prayer
For those down on their knees
Begging a foreign God above
to bring an end to their unease
A prayer for those who turn to various vices
to temporarily lift the constant pain of a tortured life
I just want you to know
God sees your pain,
God sees your strife
But most importantly
Behind all the chaos
God sees you
and He loves you unconditionally

Maybe you don't know what real love is
Maybe your parents were cruel and neglectful
Maybe kids at school bullied you
Maybe you feel as if you have never fit in
No one ever loved you fully
Loved both your lovely aspects and your sins

But I can assure you
There is a God
Who takes an interest in you
Who cares for your every hidden hurt
that you hide away in shame
The world does not know how to love,
this is true
It is spilling over with hate
But see, God
He love you just for you
God always seeks out the goodness in our hearts
It doesn't matter how far gone you feel you are
You are always invited to be a son or daughter of God

Jesus died a brutal death
So that you wouldn't have to be in ******* to
the endless lies of this world
You can be set free by love, truth and peace
I invite you to experience God first hand
the way I have
I can't guarantee that people are going to love you the way you need to be loved,
But I can guarantee that God is a stable foundation
that can't be destroyed
Build your life upon the foundation of God
and revel in the joy that comes with being fully convinced that you are loved by the Creator of the universe.

You don't need anything else in this world but God,
trust me.

This darkness, Unshakable
Me- So very breakable
All you see
Is the shell, quaking, aching
Outside of me
And me, contained inside
Hidden away from real life
Because if I spoke my radical ideas out in the open
My life would become broken
Like glass shards strewn across a wooden floor
My feet would bleed but my heart would bleed more

The lackluster people cannot comprehend
The ideas outside of tradition and systems and dogma
And forgive me for my stuttering and reserved nature
It takes time for the shackles to melt
For I must be certain that I can be my true self
And express myself with no filter, then the lock on my vocal cords will open
It takes a skilled blacksmith to break me free from my chains
So I can feel at ease

Sometimes, it feels like people are my disease
Society, groupthink...
Can cause so much trouble
I know I must take responsibility for the way I feel
And steer clear of blame
But I'm constantly thinking,
If only we all thought for ourselves,
If only we truly stuck to our morals
And weren't afraid to be aberrant,
Then maybe we'd have more people like Nelson Mandela,
Gandhi, Rosa Parks, Mother Teresa, Martin Luther King Junior, Abraham Lincoln (and many more) in this world
None of these people were perfect, and some of these people sustained traumas and lived as pariahs in their communities and even in their entire countries
But to some who are outliers, these people were heroes
And thankfully they are regarded as heroes by the vast majority today
Sometimes to live a big life beyond triviality,
We must say no to comfort, our ego, our limiting beliefs
And say yes to a self-less life replete with love, curiosity and abounding possibility

This darkness that overcomes me intermittently and unexpectedly
Can only be conquered
By "looking at the bigger picture" and
Recognizing that even though I often times feel like I don't fit in
And I refuse to assimilate to a subculture because I will not sacrifice the lifelong endeavor of adding to a reservoir of knowledge and wisdom
For ignorance and blind faith and groupthink
Where people are discouraged from having their own unique and radical ideas that defy tradition or what the majority are subjected to believe through the indoctrination of an institution like a school or church
All I can do to defeat the darkness is to surrender to this condition I find myself in
Being full of life and ideas
But feeling like I have to hold it all back in this provincial town to be
"Acceptable"
But I think I'm just going to let the light shine through
I'm going to speak up, speak out
And not become some pseudo spiritual guru who charges an arm and a leg to gain access to their "life altering" retreats and seminars
People are always looking outside of themselves to "find enlightenment" or the next fix that will "fix" them
But we get hooked to these life coaches churning out programs with high price tags like drugs
We need to feel competent, worthy, and purposeful
We dream about becoming just like these people ripping us off
But they're just as clueless as us,
They're just rich off of our clueless-ness and desperation
But I'm going to try something different--
I'm just going to be myself, stand up for my rights and the rights of others
Live a life of service, even if that entails radical service where my life is on the line
Stop seeking validation from people who don't matter
And not give the enemies I will inevitably make by being myself any importance in my life and my life's mission
So, that's it folks
I hope you decide to do the same.

Art is a lot like life
It never comes out
The way I imagined it.

It's all making sense now
As I watch from a lowered head
The universe is expanding
As everything in my reality is coming to an end

I just wonder, Who have I become?
Because I experience myself within the hooks of society
Quiet obedience and detached formality
Engaging in the dance that is expected of me

I've had dreams that made me scream
But they dissolve like iridescent beads arising from my mind
Where is the magic,
In the veins of the earth?
The streams that overflow?

I take a step beyond
Into the streams
And it dissolves the rigid conformity, the chains that bind me
I feel my heart and mind merging with the One
The One who will save me
From myself,
And every ingrained idea of who I need to be...

Set me free.

The sun
It breaks forth through a quilt of clouds
And it shines down on me
Me, bundled in a scarf stitched with iridescent thread
Walking, with intent
My mind falls into familiar patterns of thought
The tiredness of monotony and the buried hope of eventual freedom

Some nights I have vivid dreams that scare me into waking up
Those dreams feel realer than my waking life
Real life feels dull, repetitive, lifeless
A gear stuck in it’s designed rotation,
Propelled by the surrounding gears that have also given up dreams to submit to the status quo of drudgery

What is this anyway?
Senseless pontification
Calling everyone a phony
But what happens when the finger is pointed back at me
And I have to reckon with my own disease?

Because I can see what’s wrong with all these systems and how “they” perpetuate it
But me too, I perpetuate too
And the pain of the world just feels too big for me,
And I just can’t please everyone, not even myself
But it kills me
To see us devolving into people in love with their image,
Kissing their reflection,
While our hearts turn cold and we become social media activists who are largely disconnected to the marginalized experience
Disconnected from our true, simple and beautiful humanity
I can’t bear to witness this descent in us,
Especially when I see it in me

I just, don’t want to think so much about it anymore
Whatever it is,
I just can’t figure it out
And it makes me angry
And wonder if I’m a misanthrope
Because it seems like no one cares,
And I’m starting not to care now,
But well,
Who cares?

But I do care, but it takes scary things for me to show I do
Like the feeling I get thinking about someone I really love leaving
But I don’t show it on a daily basis
I’m just a frazzled, mad person
Touchy, irritable, paranoid
Charming, but deceptive
Smiling, but lying
Because when I’ve told the truth
No one cared anyway
Or they hated me for telling it

What’s the point of this string of thoughts?
I don’t really know
Except that I had to get them out of me somehow
And unburden myself from the heaviness
Of these leaden thoughts clanging inside of me.

I want to dream
You all say your life is unsatisfactory
That makes me so **** sad
I want to live in a world of possibilities
Not helplessness and depression
I want freedom and loving expression

I know what I dream of exists
I must love myself free
From this miserly mix
I have a heart beating within me
And I will listen to her.

reverberating through the beat
every wavelength of sound is a stream
like an iridescent waterfall
with bubbles at the base
i fall with grace
i fall with grace
music erasing the pain
like blue hair dye escaping down the drain
cool down
slow down
put your mind in autodrive
let the music revive you
you haven't yet died
feel your heart beat to the tempo
blood flowing through
your arteries
your eyes roll to the back of your mind
your body shakes
your mind is finally awake.

Silky yellow
Glowing ever so softly
Ever so sweetly
Spread and sprawled
Over the hills
And through the trees
Like little orbs of glowing light
Calling to me
Wanting to guide me

Whatever this is,
This mysticism
It likes to play
In the kindest way
It tussles my hair
And pinches my cheek
It tickles my nose
And makes me laugh rapturously

It surrounds my body,
The warmth emanating from the light envelops me
Rising into my heart
As love expands through me
Then I see in crystal clear visions
My purpose here
Just one little speck of light,
Called to shine.
To be a beautiful one of a kind.

Do you see my hands,
My open palms
Clamped
Sometimes
Because I close
And I find it so hard to open to you
Love has always hurt before

You said you’re independent but tender
You make me feel so warm inside
Like fireworks or rainbows expanding inside me
Like the sweetest melody
Brewing inside my heart
You give me hope
Beautiful love.

Blood is spewing between my teeth
Forming bubbles in the cracks
My eyes flipping back
And my hippocampus playing memories like a reel of grainy film
Playing in the back of my skull
This life has become the screen
And all I can see is the movie of my life repeating over and over again in front of me

These patterns never cease,
I've lied and said my pain had decreased
But it's all just a show,
To make myself appear stronger than I really am,
To hide the weakness under the armor
But it's my heart I can't contain
It's too powerful to be detained
It must be expressed
These feelings for you can't remain repressed
And all I can say is love is what I suggest
Between me and you
You'd improve me,
You've already taught me a thing or two

I once was a hypnotic fairy queen
Empress of intangible things
Emotions like fire were carefully hidden
I had hopeless men ravenously smitten
Now I've grown,
And I'm more like a queen of joy and the unknown
I like tinkering with spiritual concepts,
Trying them on for size,
Seeing in which ways these perspectives can open up my eyes

With age and experience
I'm sure of what I want,
What I need
The first time I saw you I couldn't breathe
The first time our eyes met,
I felt like I had known you before
How could it be so,
That I've not known you longer?
I am fond of you,
Your deep blue eyes make me wonder...

Configurations don't lead to conclusions
I have mashups of inklings
But it's all still confusing
Looking back at past relationships,
Well, I don't want to repeat those mistakes again,
But I think we have a good shot of having a happy ending,
And an even better beginning.

I believe
With this heart that's beating within me,
With every fiber of my being,
Even though as of now I may not be seeing,
The results I'm needing
I'm believing
I will get to the point,
Where I need to be
To turn this agony into
Tranquility.

Do you ever consider your own mortality?
Or how beautiful life is?
Do you ever wonder about the point of it all?
And why there is suffering?
•
Dear child,
So lost and all alone
Where do these tears originate from?
Are you a foreigner in a strange land?
Have you forgotten your name?
You've been abandoned.
But I'll give you a new name,
And I'll give you a new home
And I'll give you a new family,
All these will be better then before
I promise
Rest, dear one
You hold heavy concepts in your mind and they weigh you down
Even for a moment, try to believe that there is a God who cares for you,
So that you don't need to figure everything out on your own any longer
You can lay your troubled head to rest now, darling
Most of the quarrels exist only in your mind
I know you've had a hard life
But now it's time to release
And finally be at ease
Once you were a victim, but you aren't anymore
Because you got through it
And it's made you stronger
Just allow yourself to love
And love also without reservation
Giving without expectation
And you'll be free,
You'll finally be free of your own mental prison.

Air is always crisp, no
matter where I am

Cool air swirls into my lungs
I think, I think and I think
I'd like to shut off this part of me
that over-analyzes
Because I have this feeling
that if I just quiet my mind
I'll experience such profound insight
like never before
It sounds counter intuitive,
But ceasing to verbalize
just may be the gateway to
most of our solutions

When I dream
I go places or do things unfathomable
I use to live quite an unfathomable life
Even though back then I was really depressed
and disassociated
When I look back, it's weird
Because it seems to me like
I should have been having the best times of my life
But really I was just in situations
That looked fun and thrilling
But I was just so perturbed back then
I lived as wildly as Hunter S Thompson back then
Or maybe I was like Jack Kerouac,
On The Road
It sounds fun
But I was just always on the run
Always trying to escape to the point
of escaping my own mind by dissociating
Looking into the mirror and feeling so distant
from the reflected image
Taking dangerous concoctions of alcohol and drugs
And not a moment of my waking life
was their a point where I wasn't high on ****
Making that Mary Jane be my codependent lover
One I couldn't live without
Even with the paranoia and the panic attacks...

Last night I had a dream
that I smoked **** again
And my throat closed up
and I started choking...
In that dream I remember what it was like
Back in my senior year of high school
I can barely remember
It was all just an excruciatingly painful blur
I wake up to my reality,
and although it's not all I want it to be
I couldn't be more grateful
That I'm out of the self sabotage
With a healthier personality
It's weird to think of who I used to be
Because of how much I've changed
I can't believe that was who I used to be
Radically reformed is my identity
It's just really weird, you see
It's beyond human reason
to understand this change
that has happened in me.

Why?* is all I can manage from my lips
I don't understand this life
It's like some sort of cruel game
You think you know where you're going
But then everything gets taken away

All I ever wanted was certainty
Before I give my heart away
Because I've loved before and
I loved hard
But the ones I had loved left my bleeding heart dying on the floor

I can never quite express accurately
In love my heart races and my mind scatters, incoherently
I've got so much suppressed I say you've got to be kidding me
All I want is authenticity
But I'm so scared to be the real me

All I can see is me repeating the same cycles relentlessly
Love is the drug I shoot in my veins
To relieve all the suppressed pain
But it's all in vain
Because when I finally wake up from the daze
I realize the love I clung on to for my very life was shallow and blind
For the love that I put on a pedestal
Is revealed
No longer can infatuation conceal
The demons of the object of my affection
My head now is in a daze,
My life is in upheaval and needs correction
I sit here on a naked floor
Like lava the floor swallows me alive
As I witness the dream I dreamt of love
Disintegrate
Turned to ash
Right in my very hands
I smother the ashes on my face
As I wipe away the tears
Of another love gone asunder
Fake love,
Okay, I said it
Fake love.

I see pouting lips,
******* and hips
Wrapped ******* clad,
Skin tight

I see muscles and chiseled lines
Lust in their eyes
I see vanity in nearly every face
And I think it is a disgrace

For when I look instead
At a face so pure
Like the one of Mother Teresa,
Or MLK
I wonder,
What has happened to the valiant hearted today?
And why have they all gone away?
Where is their voice among all of this vanity?
I can't see them through all of this triviality.

I see you
I'm getting to know you
This process is
Gentle and patient
Moving along rhythmically
Like the streaming waters of a creek

I look up to the baby blue sky
And it soothes me
Just like our friendship
You're different but
the same
Yet the same merely on a surface level,
But I have an inkling that you
Have deep notions inside of you
That you don't easily unleash to the layman's ear
And you understand and know
More than you possibly could

Blue, like the surface of the ocean
And now I'm diving deep
To get to know you
And understand you better
And see you for the man you truly are
Underneath all the illusions I construct
And the persona you don
To fit in more graciously in our little town's culture
But I can see, when our eyes lock
That you have so much more depth
Than most people know

I'm a deep sea diver
And I'm diving into you
I'm brave, I'm courageous,
Through this process of getting to know you
Mental barriers are being incinerated,
My confidence is strengthening
And my desperate need for validation is withering
I know what I want,
And I will pursue
With the ease of a deep sea diver
With no oxygen tank
I go deeper and deeper,
Risking my heart, laying it bear and vulnerable
Not completely sure if you will handle it with care or
Trample it beyond repair
Pacing myself,
Holding my breathe
Losing consciousness
To reach deeper conclusions
I'm taking this last deep breathe of certainty,
And diving into the Unknown.

Bluebird singing
In the dawn
Perched upon the highest branch
As the pink sun
Kisses the hills

I wish I were you, Bluebird
You're so pretty and free,
Your feathers are painted
Bold blue
The most magnificent hue

If I were a bird,
I would be you
Wouldn't it be nice to be a bird?
Humans tend to complicate life,
Unnecessarily

If I were you
I would soar high
Or sometimes I would just
Fly swiftly through a field of tall grass
I would
Fly right into the sunset every evening
To the point where it would feel like I was spanning the
Entire globe
Then, I would have to let my bird instincts
Lead me back to my home.

Browsing, scrolling
Shopping
Consuming

A Blue Guitar,

A Corgi **** pillow.

Tonight I search aimlessly and find nothing
Nothing that resonates with me
It rains outside and the air has become crisp
I breathe it in clearly through my nostrils
And I feel at ease

On this rainy day I envision snow,
even though snow is an unlikely prospect for now
Snow is an emotion I am experiencing currently
That feeling of stillness, of a deep, deep knowing
That you don't understand
You don't understand how you know,
you just do

I see deep blue eyes in this snow
and a bearded chin and a mouth that speaks slowly and deliberately
It beguiles me and yet puzzles me
For it is an oddity
He, whom I behold tenderly with my dazzled and curious eyes

Is it a bird I hear in the distance
Quietly chirping out for help?
How many of us are quietly chirping out for help
Yet too scared to scream for help?
Well, sometimes we just have to scream.

Everyone is boring!*
I scream
I feel it with every fiber of my being
People go after vain and useless pursuits
Your ego rides shotgun
While your soul suffocates, ******* in the trunk
It's easy to be this mind numbingly empty in this day and age
With all of our distractions
It's so easy
To wear beautiful clothes,
Inject botox,
Paint our faces
And see ourselves in the mirror as a complete and presentable person,
But we never make time to peek at our own hearts.
No, instead
We persist in our vapid lives
That we try to decorate with meaning
But all that meaning fails in the long run
Because we have become Egos incapable of true love...
The only solution to this
Is to make the long journey from the head to the heart..

Maybe I'm just bored,
and you seemed like an escape

Bad boys always do
seem to be the portal
to access through
into dreams exhilirating

But bad boys have souls too
though they'd never admit it
Girls like me want to love them to gentleness
Sometimes we melt through the aloof exterior
and find chinks in his armor
But we find out inevitably
that he can't love you anyway
'Cause he doesn't love himself

Us good hearted girls
with wide open hearts
in deep need of healing,
Believe
"If I could love a wounded man like him
Maybe, one day,
Someone could possibly love me"

I guess I was just bored,
I guess I just wanted someone to kiss
I guess all my unconscious baggage
reemerged on the surface
when you came back into my life
I guess you made me question in some ways
the patterns I am hooked into
and how they make me not okay

But you're just a bad boy,
Though I see more
You've told me who you are
And even though I'm bored
I can't entertain chaos anymore
I don't wish to return to the fire,
Once again.

Bored
Of all this noise and all these toys and this empty,
Empty void
I'm bored with rules and regulations
Tired of this home and this cold bed
I'm blinded by these white cracked walls that keep me in
I'm tired of this fear that doesn't let anyone in
I'm bored of this television and laptop
I'm tired of being twenty
Even though when I was a teen I was severely depressed
At least I looked forward to a brighter future
Now all I feel is intense anxiety and fear of leaving the nest
Accidents and crime prevail
And I let that hold me back from setting sail.

Bored, within these four walls
And I can barely breathe with ease
Because fear is constantly closing in on me
Sometimes I think all I need
Is arm that I can trust, to protect me from harm
But let's be realistic
There is no one in this world I can trust
Most hearts have hardened and become masochistic
So my own heart has begun to rust.

Boy, how I've dreamt of you
Waited like a damsel distress
For you to rescue my worn out soul
I ache for your succulent lips
To revive me with your sweet honey kiss
For your porcelain fingertips to graze my bare skin hungry for love
For you to look into my eyes
Past my facade of calculated charm
To see my beautifully wounded self trying to break through to you
Hold me, you fool
Let me unravel in your arms
I'm tired, my dear
Let me rest in your embrace.

I created all these ideals in my head,
I'm going to be the famous writer
With the perfect family I never had
But I just learned
You have to live at rock bottom for a while
Until you can live a fulfilling lifestyle

So, I'll brace myself,
I'll be prepared
For these ideals I have
Will take time to reach
Each a perilous path to the top of my dreams
No matter how much I scream
From the pain this upward climb will bring
I will persist, evermore
Until I have all that I deserve

I need to live fearlessly,
And do what I love
Because it's better to follow your heart's plan,
Than fail at something you never wanted in the first place.

You know,
You're never really gonna know
Just how brave you are,
You turn back
And see how far you've come
And yet you still doubt your worthiness

You've allowed people to hurt you for too long,
You walked around, boundary-less
Searching for a warm place to call your own

You stand out from any crowd,
Your heart pours out love,
You are joy embodied,
All the naysayers try to pull you down,
But don't let them!
They just can't bare to believe a person could actually be happy and purposeful in this world

You've been through some ****,
And yet you decided to not be an *******,
You decided to spread love instead
Give yourself a break for once,
You're doing great.

Sitting quietly
But my mind's on fire
I'm done with being a slave
You don't have to agree with me
I'm stealthily peeling off my chains
Pretending that I'm still okay with the status quo,
That I'm still going along with the flow,
No.
I'm going against the current,
But it's taking everything within me
To break free.
But I refuse to be a slave
To the crumbling systems
Of this society.

Walk my short way home

Open the door

Eat what I can find for dinner

Go on Snapchat,
Instagram,
Facebook

Searching for signals of you

I love you
I think

In this digital age
We're all so far away

I want to touch you
But my hands
aren't able to break through the screen

I'm bored
I'm lonely

Are you bored,
Are you lonely?

I don't trust myself enough
I always find myself
In sticky relationships,
Even with friends

Messed up people,
I always get caught in their web

But I just want to be free
I want someone
who wants to escape in a car with me

Convertible car,
Painted yellow
with rainbows
Driving away from
this wintry landscape
Into the Californian sun

I need someone to smile with me,
Someone with whom I can be crazy
Laughing my time away,
Savoring all life's beauty

I'm growing heavy with longing
I'm ready to break through
this box I've been confined in.

My mind was a dry well,
But it has rained
Finally
I feel my heartbeat
sustaining me
I'm so alive,
I almost can't believe it,
Everything is so beautiful,
I'm savoring it.

I walked to the mirror when I woke
I noticed that pieces of myself still lingered on my bed
cracked fragments of plaster made a trail behind me with my every step

I looked into that mirror
That mirror that told truths I did not want to know
It revealed a face wrought by troubles
A soul diseased with woes

This plaster was my makeshift armor
that I encased my too delicate self into
The plaster was hard and white
and just beneath it was my spirit
Still intact, though it only emitted a faint light

I can still recall a time
When I was allowed to broadcast my spirit
in all her riveting splendor
She was a kaleidoscope of lights
like the aurora borealis
dancing among the stars

But these systems and these expectations
Knotted her into limitation
Suffocating her every dream
and damning her to a life of monotony and trivilaity
Surrounding her with people
Who don't have the eyes to see
A destiny beyond their constant, choreographed agony

I quieted my mind
And pondered all these things in my heart
I took a sledge hammer
to the remaining plaster on my body
My armor broke to pieces
Strewn out on the floor, no longer serving as protection
and suffocation
I can finally breathe again.

My spirit is regaining her health
Soon she will soar
I'm stepping out on this journey
And though in leaving the past there is so much uncertainty
I think with glee:
Oh, the things this magical existence has in store!

The leaves are changing color,
They’re falling to the ground
Everything is dying,
Without a whisper, without a sound
And I’m here crying
Cause the world as I know it is burning
And there’s no saving it

I look out from my attic window
At the world below
These people are unaffected, I would suppose
They cannot feel it, they cannot see
That the world I’ve known is coming to an end
And in its demise it’s taken my false security

It’s all burning in wild flames now,
My little, perfectly constructed world

I have no other choice now but to take an unknown path
Cause what’s behind me is gone
And I won’t look back,
I’ll use these ashes as soil
To plant my broken heart in
So it can mend,
So it can grow past all it’s current limitations
Cause I’ve learned this before--
Worlds inevitably get torn apart
But if you’d just make it through the wreckage
You’d find new life beyond all the death,
You’d find the green meadow beyond the smoldering aftermath.

I board a public bus
A graying bus driver is a woman and then morphs into a man
A normal experience within a dream

My eyes glaze over as I assume a state of aloofness
As I tend to do when surrounded by unfamiliar people
As some sort of defense mechanism
As if the otherworldly look in my eyes
Will thwart the formation of an ill intention forming in the mind of a stranger that occupies the bus with me
Just in case

Two older men are on the bus
I don't validate their existence
When I am aloof
It feels like I am the only person truly alive
Everything gradually grows dimmer
As my inner world roars as loudly as an amphitheater.

The bus drives for hours
I've never been on this bus before and I've never been to the town I am traveling to
I'm going there to check out a church
Even though I'm not a Christian
Hours pass...
I start falling asleep in my dream
The bus has no stops

Finally, the bus reaches the end of its route
I am dropped off in front of a CVS along with the other two male passengers
One scruffy old man leers at me and smiles at me
But I act as if I didn't see him
I have no idea how to get to the church
It's getting dark
All that is around is the CVS, the bus stop, and a road with an onslaught of cars driving in either direction
Why did I make this hours long trip if I didn't even know exactly where I was going?
If only I could cross the wide street to get to the other side where the bus stop for the bus back home is
But I can't
The cars were driving at fast speeds and their was a constant flow of them
So I stood in that nakedness of uncertainty and abounding possibility
Stuck and calculating
As the sun set over this foreign place I ended up in
All because I was seeking some purpose
And yet, it brought me so far away from home,
the comforts and luxuries and certainties of home
Yet, when I awoke, something deep and vital within me knew
That I will never find my purpose within the comfort of my home.

I'm tired

So don't tell me what to do

I've got a tragic mind

An everlasting spirit

And an open heart

I know there is something better,

There has to be something better,

Right?

Because I can't stay here,

Stuck in this metaphorical mire

I've suffered for too long,

And today I say no

No more wasting away

No more wasting my days

I follow the magic of my soul

So everyone can keep their opinion to themselves

While you trudge through another uneventful day

I will finally not be enslaved

To the nonsense of this society

I will no longer complain

And not even explain

To all the naysayers

I will just go

And follow the call of my soul.

Spiced Autumn air
Swirling through my home
It peppers my memory
With sadness and hope

It brings me back to seven years ago,
I was a broken-hearted girl
Perplexed over the telephone,
I tried so hard but he had made the decision to close his heart

But here I am now,
Older and wiser
Still dreamt of his distance last night
But truly,
My waking mind is over it

It's just my life is a river
And I'm going deeper into it
Once on the surface
There was so much agitation
So I held my breathe and went under,
Trying to fix the cause of my turbulence

I've definitely healed,
And learned a lot
Both the easy way and the hard way
These little internal shifts
That I've been making gradually
For seven years
Have produced something beautiful in me
Breaking through the seams of my previous tortured being

This river is winding,
So I never know what awaits me
But I've married uncertainty
Knowing it's always pregnant with possibility

I haven't met any cultural milestones
I'm not cool, popular or trendy
All I have to offer this world
Is a broken heart on the mend
But still I'm full of gratitude
And calling in more
For though on the outside
I don't appear to have arrived
I have a root of joy inside my heart
And it's rapidly proliferating
As my gratitude grows.