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Cyril Jan 29
I refuse to be caught in someone’s prayer,
To be the name they speak to a distant sky,
As they move on with their lives,
Until they tire of saying my name,
To a higher being who never answers.

Whispered wishes alone won’t shift a thing.
But who am I to think I’m worth the effort and bravery
When I, too, have grown selfish, tired,
And reluctant to breathe life into my own desires?

Why do I have to stifle the part of me,
Once quick to act,
Now sinking into the life I chose,
All to prove I can abide by the rules.
When will I run out of words to say about this?
Cyril Jan 29
I list my questions at night,  
About people and things I silently seek.  
In my dreams, I wait for those  
Who hold the answers I cannot reach.  
Sometimes, I wait patiently,  
Oftentimes, restlessly,  
Wondering if I’ll find them before the dawn.

These questions I keep in my nightstand,  
A quiet list of hopes, doubts, and love,  
Silent, steady, never gone.  

In the morning, I hope to wake a little more understood,  
And in turn, to understand,  
To bridge the space between hearts,  
To finally make sense of all I cannot grasp.
—to receive and provide answers.
Cyril Jan 29
You have always retreated into the depths, into places where I cannot follow
Unwillingly, you linger
Unwillingly, I grip harder
A fleeting presence is how you'll be remembered

Sleek and serpentine, a thread of liquid silver,  
I reach for your tail
But you were made to slip away

Teardrops fall, sending ripples across the still water
And when I say 'stay,'
Does it reach you?
Do soundwaves break through the barriers of our world
Or do they dissolve before they arrive?
"Nothing meant to be in your life requires a tight grip."
Cyril Jan 17
I will never know whether it's meant as praise or disapproval when friends tell me I'm being too transparent.
Conversations over coffee leave me wondering if they’ve ever truly known love—the kind that leaves you vulnerable.

Maybe they haven't grasped how terrifying it is to be misunderstood,
To deliver the wrong message,
To drop hints, only to have them left unexplored by someone too direct to see their meaning

Have they realized how a hint of opacity can blur everything, turning what was once clear into something unrecognizable?
How a single careless moment
or a slip of the tongue can lead to loss?

Isn't it a greater shame to leave everything to fate,
To let life unfold without intention?

In their eyes, am I foolish or brave?
Nonetheless, all I know is that pride is a heavy weight.
So I say;

I can only breathe when my words are laid bare,
Stripped of pretense and hesitation.
There is something freeing in that honesty, something necessary.
I love when I love,
Why hold back?
Cyril Jan 15
I try to avoid clichés, such as the word ‘someday,’ but I can’t deny the hope it carries. It’s beautiful and promising, like the first light of day. Seven simple letters that hold the weight of my dreams.

Someday, I’ll write about cool winds and peaceful rain, about afternoons spent wandering through gardens. I’ll describe the grass beneath my feet, as though it thanks me for walking this earth. I’ll write of vast cities, where new streets hum with life, new places I’ve visited, and those yet to come.

Someday, I will only wait for sunrises and sunsets. I’ll leave the sciences behind in favor of what nourishes the soul. I’ll indulge in simple joys, like flipping through recipe books and learning the art of crafting the perfect soup.

Someday, my writing will shift. It will be less about others and more about me—how I am loved, how I am loved well, and how those I love are lucky to have me. I’ll be hidden, only found by those who seek me in my absence, who know that I’ve always left the door open. At the dining table, I’ll sit with friends who stayed, who made me stay, and who never took me for granted.

Someday, I’ll spend more time analyzing constellations, and less on pondering why relationships fail. I’ll always have the right words to say, no hesitation, no delay. Someday, my writing will be simple and clear, no ironies, no hidden metaphors.
Short, and sweet;
No traces of past pains, or of having dealt with goodbyes.

But someday is still a distant thought. For now, I let the ink bleed a little longer. I let the pen spell words like grief and loss.
Prose.
Cyril Jan 14
Let the paper remember everything I ought to forget.
Cyril Jan 12
May this lifetime be enough for reconciliation.
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