Susie gazed out at the atlantic. Great waves crashed against the cliffs . A gust of wind caught the girl almost knocking her off her feet. She seemed not to notice, her eyes remained fixed on the wild sea. Unbidden the words came to her
“Till the slow sea rise and the sheer cliff crumble,
    Till terrace and meadow the deep gulfs drink,
Till the strength of the waves of the high tides humble
     The fields that lessen, the rocks that shrink,
Here now in his triumph where all things falter,
     Stretched out on the spoils that his own hand spread,
As a god self-slain on his own strange altar,
                      Death lies dead.”
Susie’s salty tears mingled with the sea water which the ever increasing wind blew into her eyes.
“I’m not crying, it’s the sea water making my eyes sting” So what if I am crying? All this will pass and go. Long after I am dead this will remain, the uncaring ocean buffeting the cliffs as it has for millennia. Eventually the cliffs and the surrounding habitations will be claimed by the sea. Out of the sea life came and to the ocean humanity will return.
But I’m 20, I don’t want to die”.
All flesh is dust a mocking voice intoned. Susie whirled around. There was no one save for the gulls which wheeled and screeched overhead.
“Yes I will die but please god not yet. I have my whole life to look forward to” Susie said burying her face in her hands.  
“Stupid girl” the voice, like some  insidious demon crept into her brain.
“Shut up, shut up” the girl wept sticking her fingers into her ears attempting to silence the tormentor.
“Stupid slapper. Silly *****” the voice said undaunted by Susie’s attempts to silence it.
Doing her best to ignore whatever devil was taunting her Susie reached into her coat pocket. She felt the plain brown official envelope.
“I can’t, I won’t open it. I’ll throw it away. Better not to know”.
“Ignorance is bliss, little miss a coward is” the voice sneered.
“*******, *******” Susie screamed. Her words where lost in the howling of the wind and the crashing of the waves. Susie became aware of the crumpled envelope in her hands. In her agitation she had ******* it into a ball. How easy it would be to rid herself of the thing. One flick of her wrist and the letter would be lost forever in the depths of the Atlantic.
“Coward, coward” the voice taunted.
With a supreme effort Susie unscrewed the envelope and with trembling hands opened it. Reluctantly the girl extracted a crumpled letter.
“I can’t read it, I can’t” Susie wept. “Why did I do it? God let it be good news. Please, oh Christ I can’t bare it”.

Susie’s mind went back 4 months. She was drunk. She had never been so drunk in her entire life. The thump, thump of the music transported the girl into a world where only she and the beat, beat of the bass existed. She danced wildly letting herself be taken by the music to another realm.
Susie didn’t remember him arriving. One moment she was dancing alone, the next Susie was spinning around in the arms of a total stranger. Later that evening Susie recalled having *** in a cubicle in the gents toilets. Susie thought that she had consented but she had been so drunk she wasn’t sure.
“Christ, no ******. How could I have been so ****** stupid. I went to a good school, got all the right exams and I’m now at uni. I should have known better”.
Susie had gon to the hospital on the following day and had been tested for sexually transmitted diseases.
“You have ****** but that can easily be dealt with by antibiotics” the nurse had said.
Susie breathed a sigh of relief.
“You will, however need to come back in 3 months time for a *** test”.
“Can’t I have that today?”
“The *** virus can take upto 3 months to manifest itself so any test conducted today would be extremely unlikely to show whether you are, or are not carrying the virus”.
Susie had thrown herself into her studies for the next 3 months. When not studying she partied hard. Alcohol helped her to forget for some of the time but, in the early hours of the morning she would wake up sweating.
“What if I am infected? Christ only knows how many other girls that bloke slept with before we had ***”.
Eventually the 3 months passed and Susie returned to the hospital for her *** test.
“You can call in for your results in a few days time or, if you prefer just telephone the number on your card quoting your clinic number” the nurse said handing Susie a small slip of paper.
Susie had meant to call. She really had. However there always seemed to be something preventing her from making that call. There had been her friend’s wedding, her mum’s birthday and so, so many other things.
“Don’t make excuses. Of course you could have found a few minutes to make such an important telephone call” the insidious voice whispered in her ear.
“Yes, OK, I could. now ******* back to whatever rock you crawled out from under” Susie shouted.
Slowly Susie raised the paper to her face.
“Dear Miss Armstrong,
I refer to your visit of 4 July and the test conducted on that date. We have, unsuccessfully attempted to contact you on several occasions. Having been unable to do so I am writing to inform you of the result of your test for ***. I am pleased to advise that the test is negative (I.E. you are not *** positive).
Should you have any queries regarding this letter please call the number above and quote your clinic number to the health adviser.

Yours Sincerely “.
Susie wondered idly why doctors signatures almost always resembled squashed spiders. For the first time in many hours she smiled.
“Thank you god. Thank you”.
The gulls screeched overhead, the icey wind buffeted the girl and the great waves continued to crash against the crumbling cliffs. Susie no longer cared. She embraced the storm for it represented nature of which she was an integral part. It felt good to be alive. Susie took deep breaths.  The touch of the wind on her face  was wonderful. She smiled as her long black hair blew wildly in the sea breeze.  
“If you exist god, thank you, thank you” Susie said.

Little Susie was eager to go to the toy store.
Her mother was buying her the newest doll
“Charming Cherry”. She had to have one.
All of her friends had one. She was already
dressed in mixed match clothing. Proudly,
shaking her mother, modeling her new look.
However, mother was tired and scolded
Little Susie for awakening her so early in
the morning. Oh, Susie was so anxious
as she went in and out of the house, irritating
the neighbors with her frequent hellos and goodbyes.
Finally, her mother was ready. Susie was to eager
to eat breakfast. “Let's go mother, someone may
buy them all up.” Hurry... As they arrived at
the toy store,  she nicely asked the clerk, “where are
the Charming Cherry dolls?” She raced down aisle
number five. Her mother so tired from working
the graveyard shift could barely keep pace.
Susie big brown eyes, looked fearlessly as a
hunter stalking its prey. She looked and looked until
her eagerness started to fade. “Where are they, she
asked her mother?” Her mother went and got a
stock boy to help look for the doll. It appeared to
be sold out. Susie couldn't believe it. Now what
was she going to show her best friend Barbie.
Her emotions ran along side her flushed red face.
She was very upset , to the point she went into a tantrum.
Susie began knocking other dolls off the shelves.
She reached high as her short legs could to do damage.
Not much considering her fist was about as big as a  
golf ball. However, she hit hard enough to cause a
seen in the store. She and her mother were politely
asked to leave. When Susie got home, her mother
threatened to punish her by not allowing any play time.
Susie slammed the room door, kicking the walls, leaving
shoe prints. Screaming, it's all your fault repeatedly.!
All of a sudden , she took the Raggedy Ann doll and
beat it until the seams started to loose. She beat the doll
against her dresser, walls, even stomped on it.
As the poor, innocent Raggedy Ann laid on the bed; the
stuffing coming out from around her head. Susie, screamed
one more time, “ it's all your fault!” When her mother
entered the room, she found Susie in the corner just staring.
“The manager said a new shipment of Charming Cherry
will be in tomorrow.”  “You see, never give up my Little Susie.”
(I'm sorry Raggedy Ann)

YA SEE I AM GETTING LAUGHED AT, FOR DRESSING UP AS A GIRL



YA SEE I AIN’T INTO BEING A TRANSGENDER, I JUST WANT PEOPLE TO UNDERSTAND I AIN’T SHY

YA SEE I WANNA DEVELOP CHARACTERS, AND SUSIE IS A CHARACTER OF MINE

YA SEE I HEAR VOICES OF OLD MATES LAIUGHING AT ME, AS I MOVE AROUND

I DON’T WANT TO BE A TRANSGENDER, NO, I JUST DRESS UP AS SUSIE

TO PROVIDE A BIT OF FUN, FUN FUN FUN TILL THEIR DADDY TAKES YOUR TEABIRD AWAY

YA SEE AS I GET UP TO WORK ON THE COMPUTER, I HEAR HIM SAY, YOU ARE STUPID

YOU ARE DRESSING UP AS A GIRL, AND YOU ARE A ******

I SAID, NO, I HATE BEING TREATED LIKE A HOOLIGAN, I HATE BEING TREATED LIKE A STRANGE PERSON

JUST BECAUSE I CREATE FEMALE CHARACTERS

I LIKE TO HAVE, AND I CAN CREATE THE FEMALE CHARACTER VERY WELL

AND AS I ENTERED THE OUTER SPACE, EVERYONE LAUGHING AT ME SAYING

HA HA HA HA HA HA, AS I GOT UP, TO USE MY COMPUTER, I GOT UP AND USE THE COMPUTER

AND PEOPLE LAUGH AT ME, CAUSE I LIKE TO USE MY GIRL CHARACTERS

YA SEE, I CAN DO THE GIRL CHARACTER VERY WELL, SO I WANT TO DO THIS

I KNOW I USED TO BE TOO SHY TO DRESS UP AS A FEMALE WHEN I WAS YOUNG

BUT, I PREFER TO JUST LOOK AT IT, AS I ENJOY LIFE, BEING THE HYP SUSIE

SAYING, YOU DRESS UP AS A GIRL, HA HA HA HA, YOU DRESS UP AS A GIRL

YOU ARE STILL SHY, AS WE TREAT YA LIKE A TRANSGENDER, WHEN YOU ARE DRESSING UP IN WOMENS STUFF

YA SEE, I WANNA SHOW, THAT I AM NOT SHY TO DRESS UP LIKE THIS

I DON’T WANT TO HEAR THE VOICE OF PATRICK LAUGHING WEIRDLY WHEN I DO THAT

CAUSE I WANNA EXPRESS MY INNER GIRL, THE TYPE OF GIRL WHO PARTIES ALL NIGHT

I KNOW IT SOUNDS WEIRD, BUT WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO COPE WITH THIS AWFUL TEASING

YA SEE, I WAS GIVEN WEE, AND THERE IS NO WAY YOU CAN STICK A **** IN A FRUIT BOX

BUT IN HINDSIGHT, NOTHING WENT WRONG, BUT GETTING TEASED IN MY MIND

JUST BECAUSE I PUT PINK HAIR ON AND A FEW PINK AND PURPLE SCARVES

DOESN’T GIVE YOU THE RIGHT TO LAUGH AT ME LIKE A TRANSGENDER

I WANNA HAVE FUN, I WANNA BRING THESE CHARACTERS TO THE STAGE

I DON’T WANT TO BE A TRANSGENDER, I WANNA BE SOMEONE WHO DOESN’T CARE HOW HE LOOKS

YA SEE, I HEAR VOICES SAYING, YOU ARE A TRANSGENDER, AND WE HAVE NO PLACE IN THIS COMMUNITY FOR YOU

AND I FEEL SOMETIMES LIKE THAT TRANSGENDER ON ALL MY CHILDREN

BUT I AM NOM TRANSGENDER, I AM AN ACTOR, I AM PLAYING A WOMAN

NOT FOR TRANSGENDER PURPOSES, NO FOR READING AND ENJOYING PARTYING PURPOSES

YOU SEE, I DON’T WANT TO GET TEASED JUST BECAUUSE I AM OPENING MY LITTLE GIRLIE

YA KNOW PINK HAIR, AND SCARF AND BANNER, NO I AM A COOL PERSON

DRESSING UP LIKE THIS, IS CALLED HAVING FUN, YA SHOULD TRY IT SOMEDAY

SOMEDAY SOMEDAY, I WILL BE AN ACTOR, SOME DAY SOME DAY, I CAN BRING SUSIE INTO THE REAL WORLD

I KNOW I AM A MAN, BUT I DON’T WANT TO GET LAUGHED AT, ALL BECAUSE I DO THE DRESSING UP AS A GIRL THING VERY WELL

SOME DAY SOME DAY, I WANT TO GET WHAT I WANT, SOME DAY SOME DAY, I WANT TO BE BIG ON YOUTUBE

IF THAT MEANS SUSIE CAN BE POPULAR, WELL, I GUESS THAT IS WHAT I WILL DO, OH YEAH

WATCH AAA YOUTUBE TV ON YOUTUBE

WATCH AAA YOUTUBE TV ON YOUTUBE

WATCH AAA YOUTUBE TV ON YOUTUBE

CAUSE TOO MANY PEOPLE COMPLAIN ORB TEASE PEOPLE WHO DRESS UP AS THE OPPOSITE ***, WHAT IS WRTONG WITH ME

DOING IT, I AM NOT HAVING *** WITH GUYS, NO, I AIN’T A ****, I AM DRESSING UP AS THE GREETING CARD TYPE OF GIRL

AND I DON’T WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A HOOLIGAN, BECAUSE, I PREFER TO LAY MY MESSAGE STRAIGHT

I AM NOT TRANSGENDER

I AM NOT TRANSGENDER

I AM NOT TRANSGENDER

I AM DEVELOPING CHARACTERS, WITH MY DRESSING UP LIKE WOMEN LIKE SUSIE AND BOGAN WOMAN SUE LONGWAYS

THERE COULD BE MORE WOMEN CHARACTERS EMERGING, PLEASE DON’T TREAT ME LIKE A TRANSGENDER

TREAT ME LIKE A FUN LOVING GUY, CAUSE MY SUSIE CHARACTER IS COOL, MAN

AND I DON’T WANNA BE SHY, BE A HOOLIGAN, OR BE A TRANSGENDER, I AM JUST A FUN LOVING STRAIGHT GUY

WHO DEVELOPS CHARACTERS ON YOUTUBE FOR FUTURE STUFF ON TELEVISION

WATCH AAA YOUTUBE TV ON YOUTUBE TO SHOW I AM NOT A TRANSGENDER

I AM A MAN WITH EVIL SPIRITS TRYING TO SAY I AM TOO WOOSEY FOR LIFE

THAT IS NOT TRUE, I LIVE MY LIFE EVERYDAY LIKE IT’S AN ADVENTURE, DUDE

MY AAA YOUTUBE TV PROFILE PHOTO IS THE TWO SOUTH SYDNEY CAKES

I AM NO TRANSGENDER, LEAVE ME ALONE, I AM NO HOOLIGAN LEAVE ME ALONE

I AM A POOR STRUGGLING BUDDHIST ARTIST WRITER AND YOUTUBE ENTERTAINER AND CHARACTER BUILDER, WHO WANTS TO PARTY

I AIN’T SHY TO KEEP SUSIE COOL, MAN

LAUGH AT ME ALL YA WANT, BUT I AM NOT GAY, OR ******, I AM COOL, I AM STRAIGHT

BUT I WANNA HAVE FUN,  YEAH

In the mid-1990s I worked as a bartender
on the second floor of a local hotdog joint
near the University of Pittsburgh.
I poured beers and mixed simple drinks
for working class drunks.
The felons always had a game or a magic trick
they’d use to milk rubes for a free gin and tonic.
College students mostly stayed away,
but the ones who stumbled in ordered drafts,
paid for by daddy’s allowance
or the petty drug rackets they ran on campus.
In the summer, the best ***** came around,
**** pushed out of their tops,
*** cheeks crept below their skirts.
They knew how to find action
every single night.

Except one overweight girl named Susie
from the all girl’s school down the road.
She’d come to the bar alone,
her lips caked with dark red lipstick.
Like many students, Susie wanted to be older.
She’d order ***** martinis,
drink quietly, and she’d patiently wait
for one of the older drunks to make a move.
It never happened.

Sometimes Susie complained to me
about other girls at her college,
that they were aggressive lesbians.
All of them wanted to eat her ******.
‘Those ******* are as bad as the men,’ she’d say.
But then she’d laugh it off.
‘I really love ****,’ she told me.
‘I think about **** and *** all the time.’

One night Susie owed the bar $27.50.
She always tried to flirt her way past the tab.
I never let her get away with it.
‘Do you like me?’ she said.
I laid down my trademark response,
‘You’re the best.’
‘No, do you really like me?’
I figured she deserved a real compliment.
‘You have the sexiest lips here.’

She climbed off the barstool
and walked to the backdoor, the fire escape.
She then curled her finger at me to join her.
Outside on the small rusted iron landing,
above the roach-filled dumpster,
Susie crouched between my legs.
Both of us worked to unbuckle my belt.
A swarm of hands pulled down my jeans.
I looked up at the few stars between buildings
as those red lips and soft tongue became my drug,
a back alley escape from a ******* life.
When I unloaded, she refused to let go.
She swallowed it all. $27.50 paid in full,
plus tip.

That’s how we went for a while.
I gave Susie small escapes from lesbians.
Susie gave me small escapes from life.
Eventually, she stopped coming around.
I figured she graduated.
Perhaps her classmates finally got their wish.
Either way, I never saw her again.

That year Susie Hydes went to school wearing a pink skirt.
So the girl bought a pink skirt with her money.
But hers was cheap.
And her brother laughed at her.

That year Susie Hydes wore black eyeshadow to a party.
So the girl went back home and used her mom’s eye shadow.
But she didn’t look pretty.
She looked silly.

That year Susie Hydes let a boy touch her breast under her shirt.
But nobody wanted to touch the girl’s breast.
So she went home.
And touched it herself.
But it wasn’t nice.
It was sad.

That year Susie Hydes wasn’t Susie anymore, she was Susan.
So the girl told everybody to call her Amanda ‘cause that was a misterious name.
But nobody listened.
So she was just the girl.

That year Susie Hydes was prom queen.
But that year the girl didn’t do anything.
She just gave herself a shot in the head with her dad’s gun.

Polly wants to sleep more,
but the bell
from the church
tells it's time
to get up.

Susie's beside her,
just beginning to wake,
opening her eyes.

She smiles that stupid smile,
Polly thinks,
remembering her cold feet
against her legs
in the night,
her arms about her waist.

If only it was Master George's
hands about her waist,
his feet on her legs.

But he is at war,
some cold wet trench.

Susie sits up
says something
about wanting to turn over
and go back to sleep.

Polly tries to push thoughts
of the day ahead
from her mind.

A maid's work
is never done.

Fires to start,
cleaning to begin,
breakfasts to help prepare,
on beck and call.

If only Master George
was home,
she could look forward
to his bed at night,
his arms about her,
his lips on her skin.

Susie looks at Polly.
She had managed
to get her arms
around Polly's waist,
feel her skin on hers.
She had wanted
to kiss her neck,
but refrained.

Temptations always there.
Watching her undress at night
getting ready for bed,
seeing her standing there,
semi bare, waiting there.

She remembers her lips
being just inches
from Polly's back,
her lips wanting to settle
on Polly's shoulder.

Polly sits up,
pushes the blankets back,
and sits on the edge
of the double bed.

Feet dangle, hands in lap.
The chill air about her.
The wash basin
on the washstand.

Break the ice in the jug,
cold wash.
*** first
in the chamber ***
under the bed.

Susie watches Polly's back,
the way her body
narrows in at the waist,
her bottom on the bed,
her hands in the lap.
She sighs softly.

Polly gets out
the chamber ***
and squats.

Susie looks away.
Closes her eyes.
She can hear
the musical sounds
of water on metal ring.

She kissed Polly's arm once
(pretended she was sleeping)
Polly pushed her lips away,
muttered words.

If only she'd let her
kiss her just the once.
She could store it away
and bring it out
and relive it each day.

Polly stands up
and goes  
to the washstand
and breaks the ice
in the jug,
pours water
in the basin,
washes quickly.

Susie watches,
eyes searching Polly,
taking in each
aspect of her,
each inch of skin.
If only Polly would relent
and let her in.

Polly dries
on the rough
white towel,
face, neck,
arms and hands.

She peers out
of the attic window.
Cold dawn.
Light beginning.

If only Master George
was in bed
instead of Susie,
if only,
then she wouldn't be
so fed up
and bed time lonely.