sometimes i wish i was never born
sometimes i have to fullfill those          meaningless places with clothes,
makeup and my smile.
sometimes i want to mute my voice so that no one can listen to what im saying
they dont understand me anyways.
  
     i want to mean something in this world
                      mean something to someone

But no one is looking for the good.
they all want to look only when i’m failing.

• am i interesting only when
i end up    
                  dead?

give me love because lately I've been trying to tie a ribbon in my mouth. I forget too soon all the lessons i learned from leaving the south.

i bend over backwards and open my chest in a position to bring it to rest like Prima the Ballerina. My fingers ***** the empty air as if to pluck a rosy twang from a long bow I just imagined. my circumference dissipates to reveal my core, wake up not any more in  a beaten trailer, but a nest full of hope.

i'm wearing a black body suit and i finally have strength to stand on my toes. My point is I wish I had stood up for myself.

I can't forget looking down at the sad scene and I knew : I could never write again.

I lived in a place where the windows were nailed shut. You had to drink from a broken cup. Still. There's a place within that I refused to give up.



An angel above watched the figure of a girl stumble out from a tunnel into a staggering light, her feet ***** through the next 3 years of her life. The angel was forbidden to break a strict law of interference. The angel stood like an innocent bystander at a bar, babysitting her drink as the tall young brunette the one with beachy hair, she had sailor striped earrings,  staggered into womanhood. The angel hovered closely over her shoulder during the young lady's independent study of the greatest lesson in life's classroom: Acceptance. Finally. On the brink of the greatest love of all.

"Give me love!" She shouted from a rooftop and crossed that off her to-do list. Then she danced like there was no one who could judge her except the angel who sat there in Lovely Sally leggings in a wistful stare, her blood had turned into alcohol. She wondered who this person was, too full of music to be filled with sorrow, dancing in a **** hole and on rooftops. She knew as an angel, she shouldn't drink, but no one judged her. She knew a few monks that smoked.

This chick had drank more than enough, hollered on a rooftop, kissed a girl, and now was too tired to stand, she swayed like willow tree. The 20 year old traveled without stopping to a park & sat
in the same seat she did when she was 17 and made love for the first time.  Now the angel was seeing double.

The angel had this silly thought to take her to a rural town in Germany. Angels were allowed to visit any where and with any one. That's what she was doing now.


She watched her pick herself up and find herself home after a long wistful silence.  The angel glanced at the spot under the oak tree after she dissapeared from her eyes.   She left behind a checkerboard composition notebook bookmarked with a  pink mechanical pencil. It was her to-do list.

- learn ballet
- buy my cat the most toys on the block
- afford sophisticated clothes
- get new violin strings and bow
- drink more water
- love myself
-donate nice clothes to an unfortunate girl
-deforestation

The angel read all 47 items through her bloodshot eyes and decided she'd help fullfill it.

She's the girl with the Bambi Eyes
Hidden behind a pair
of heart-shaped sunglasses
The ones I bought her

I like to roll her name
off the tip of my tongue
from the pit
of the fire
of my *****

Great artists steal
She took my heart
and fueled it with temptation
and had me
fullfill her wish lists

with kisses of wishful thinking
if I thought I was going
to get more than pics

Seductive
snapshots
slipping
Something beautiful
in the back of my mind for once
'cause all I see dark
things sometimes

It'd be nice to shed some light
on the situation
like I'm worthy of enlightenment
we are all one narrative
choose your own anima archetype

******,
operative
word
plays
my heart like a harp
and makes life seem
more
harmonious

The more she stares me down
with
assisted
spontaneous
combustion
on her mind

is not a wolf
in a sheeps clothing
but a goth
in a flame
torturing your being
to hear you screaming my name
ravishing your body
with weapons and heat
beating you shameless
till you collapse at my feet
pain isnt the issue
its more about trust
a safe word not needed
i fullfill your lust
pulling of hair
scratching at skin
biting you there
i get deep within
pleasures the name
pain is the vice
come play if you dare
to pay the price

I think some R here
For Adulation
Not merily
Concocked Expajulation
But Rather 2
Find Some Praise
2 Their Creations
2  fullfill
Some Sensation
That Their TIME
Spent With *******
Was Something MORE
Then Emancupation
4 ALL of U
I GIVE
adulation

In the depths of your minds I wander
in red and black I saunter

from your fiery hot desires I stay
to fullfill your fantasies, so I play

In my minds eye I wonder
do I exist in a world from lascivious blunders

Or am I just that.....
an empty mind and soul
exist only for your salacious cold.

Ciao to the world. . .my hand is free. . .
hope to penetrate all your misery. . .
stand on beside you feeling my glee. . .
what them can't I can't see, we both can just be. . .
Happy and free. . . .

Ciao to the world. . .where do you see?
Unspeakable motions relenting through notions. . .
That you are the world and I am the world. . .
Ride up beside planted come tree. . .
Choosing to sense, what life doesn't chance. . .
If was so easy to speak without kissing the *****. . .
Learning together, binded by teather on unspeacable measure. . . .

Ciao to the world. . .
What pleasure do feel?
Sensations at leasure, stranded by seasure.
What is so pure then to run with a cure, of being you just you, and I just me. . .
When it doesn't matter. . .
For we are and can be, and always I sensed that, friends with the power to smile on the world. . . .

Ciao to the world. . .
Do you smile on yourself?
Getting it clearer, this sense that's titer so nearer. . .
so great of a mystery as to what cost it in history. . .
What paused it about among,
domeneering a crowd. . .
that ****** on that history and made life this lost mystery. . .

Ciao to the world.. .
It's so great that I see you. . .
Peeling your skin to taste on your roots. . .
Feeling my life has strapped on its boots. . .
what is so moving,
Is something no one can keep you in life from disproving. . .
For this is the part that always puts on the spot,
what idea is given as the source of this proving?

Ciao to the world. . .
Why we need for such pusher, who can't but press on for the moocher?. . .
And feed to the world what we don't aspire,
some even becoming blind to how life truly feels.
Because of what shameful desire it instills. . .
so they take flight to the hills, running their bills,
killing the time without the conception that people of each one's own doesn't need redemption from such a parole. . .
Derived from an old point of a hunt for the dead sea scroll. . . .

Ciao to the world. . .
Where in these hills do we ever tumble under strains,
put down under mockingly with such assumptive pains?
Who in the **** disallows what we all grow so heartedly to cherish,
and then take on to fight against what we don't embellish?
For sake of each one our own, blown from where we inspire,
life is but for pleasure and desire, for, to in happiness respire.
There isn't but hell in this place, in which we feel to replace. . .
Bit by bit, but always making it harder for in this pace, it's such a miserable and unfortunate case. . .
Of greed in its haste, molding most souls into waste.

Ciao to the world. . .
Where in the hell did you go in this haste,
loosing the sense of what built you in the first place?
Not God, nor feeble men,
but love for certain aspirations of good to make this world an ease for many admirations.
For centuries to come, where we behold on in under one world of pleasant desire to fullfill all that we were fighting for,
mirror image of what freedom by hearts could implore.
Sincerely we never need be, for some it's just an ease,
to want always please into the self, stand on top of the shelf like a beaten up trophy headed for disastrous catastrophy.. . .

Ciao to the world. . .
I'm sit in Jardin du Luxembourg. . .Where life is full of smorgesbourg, all we are so different, relenting to one thing of beauty of the peace and quite that we want always beside, be.
How this little part of the world in larger then life city of Paris,
won't stand all around for a day say on the other side of the planet,
because some would want for it to be a glamour for riches drowned in their clamour.. . .

Ciao to the world. . .
I'm sit by a stranger. . .Do you think I feel danger?
Do you see what's even a mistake, life is something not quiet so fake, even when you give a chance to let one other have the better miser dance,
given the glance with such bitter pretense is worth even to chance?

Ciao to the world. . .
I'm gather on all of my new experience. . .Better perciever then most think im deceiver. . .
When who is better then being the deceiver?
Is one getting by, the best of the deceiver. . . .slaughtered at the mind by vivid perception,
because in all case life has taught nonsense ridden by selfish perception of ones own misdirection. ..

Ciao to the world. . .
I'm satisfied to be pleasant without the need for so much in life,
all but to gather on what life is so abundant,
all the smiling faces passing with haste paces, from so many different places. . . . .

Last night in the deepest slumber
My mind forced upon me a sight
A terrifyng thing gave me a fright
A cruel and effective vision
Presentation of true value
By stripping it of it's purpose

Upon strolling by the lake
I saw a body in the water
A young woman, picture perfect
Stripped of her clothes
Floating, skin all blue
Did you fall and drift away
Did you get caught in the stream

I ventured in to the water
Cried over the loss of her life
A young woman
Isn't anyone looking for her
Where is everyone
Did you come here alone
Did you do this to yourself
I looked around adjusted my eyes

I took in great big stones
Covered by moss
A few of those on the beach
Branches fallen from trees
Nature's waste washed upon the shore
Then I looked closer
Is that a leg sticking out?

Then the reality hit me
The girl in the water
Was just one of the many
She must've drifted off
From the hundreds
Massacred and sterilized women on beach
Piled up like firewood

What a crime, for shame
What a loss, there aren't enough tears
They were used up and tossed
A momentary release
Of a monster within the perpetrator
Possibly looking for it's new victim
Behind my back for all I know

As if there is an infinite stock
As if their existance and growth
Could happen over night
As if It didn't take love and care
To ensure their wellness
As if two people didn't work
Tirelessly to raise their children
To shape the people they were going to be
As if they didn't have paths to walk
Friends to meet and destinies to fullfill
As if God hadn't given them any meaning at all

I stood there, amidst the rain
Amidst the flags, amidst the words
Amidst the thousands, amidst everything
Wondering where the feelings are

I searched it in the flags
I looked for it in the words
I sought for it in people
Still ******* find them

I did find relief though
Realising that they are not alive
Because for what they fought to raise(the tricolour)
Is being held by a machine

The sad part is
We couldn't fullfill that one promise
The promise of keeping our flag raising
Not by machines but by our efforts

As I stepped outside and looked on the corrupted road
I saw crushed flags I saw crushed hope
A man buying the tricolour from a child
I saw a struggling childhood, I saw a struggling independence
In the midst of all this, I saw a struggling independence

iSmile, iLaugh, iHug
Deep Within Me its All an Act.
iFroun, iScream, iCry
Deep Within Me iTs What iFeel
Why Do iFeel Empty?
They Tell Me iHave Everything
A Family, Wealth, Support
iKnow iKnow iKnow
They Say What More?
Idont Know, iDont Feel Alive
iFeel Souless, No interest, lifeless
What Do iWant? What Are
My Needs? To fullfill these Depression Thats deepining .