Sleeplessness
Brought to you by sparkling espresso in a can
I have underestimated you yet again, oh humble coffee bean
But back to work
Eight tabs open, going back and forth
It's nothing short of a miracle if any given task is given more than a minute of attention at a time
Muscle spasms, trembling, fascinating
Overwhelming urge to mindlessly flex the muscles I don't have
Fake machissimo brought about by exhauation?
Or the exhileration of having to complete 8 projects in a day
While simultaneously trying to grasp a breaking down of my mind which hasn't happened since...forever
Hmm
These are the prime conditions to breed a taxing marathon of productivity
Or a chain of costly impulsive decisions to perpetuate procrastination.
Signs that someone is going crazy range from ****** to inability to stick to a single topic to excessive use of run on sentences
"How meta, acknowledging your insanity deconstructs the very notion of it if you normalize it within yourself and just look as everyone else as crazy! Ha.ha."
That made no sense, i don't think.
I like using big words to make myself sound smart you can make anyone believe anything if you use big words also it scares those
Hippopotomonstroesquipedaliophobixlcs
Grumble grumble
Good night/morning/whatever

Those purple circles
Under my eyes
Marks of sleeplessness
I can't disguise
Concealer only covers
The layer of skin
But underneath the makeup
There's still weary eyes within
I haven't slept
Not a wink of rest
Ever since you came
And made this mess.
*Sweet Dreams

Sleeplessness plagues my body,
Whilst emotions run about my head in an endless parade,
Most empty, whilst others weigh me down below,
Run, hide, leave, fly free,
I dare not obey them, for they shall lead me to my demise,
Untimely, yet fate claims otherwise.

They tell me I’m too young to understand.
Are they sure of what they say?
My maturity is beyond my age, or so I’m told,
It may grow with me, or merely just be put in bold,
This is all my mind can hold,
All I can bare.

Love turns to ashes,
With all that I wish I could say,
I dream it were still here,
The ghost by my side,
With all I hold dear,
I dream it’s still here.

Phantom, it stares into my soul,
I dream of escape,
When I was it disappears,
So easily,
I feel it slipping away,
Every night.

See the truth lying in their eyes,
The truth that they buried inside,
The fire, seething within,
Burning your heart,
Your very soul,
If only these scars would heal.

- Jay M
January 31st, 2019

SLEEPLESSNESS

I try my best to fall asleep at a decent hour
Yet, sometimes it seems I don’t have the power
No matter how hard I give it a try
Something always stops me and makes me want to cry

I have tried all the tricks in the book
If you only knew how many hours it took
Counting sheep, counting backward, or saying prayers
Nothing seems to work-I’m pulling out my hair

When I finally do fall asleep at night
My dreams always wake me with a horrid fright
Running, running, running but staying in one place
It’s as though I am stuck and will never win the race

Oh, how I wish I could dream of happier things to come
Instead of trying to get away from these things in which I run
I am mentally exhausted and need a good sleep
I feel like a bag of bones lying down in one large heap

There is always tomorrow I constantly say
I need some help-so I begin to pray
Dear Lord, help me make this pain go away
If you do, once I fall asleep, I know I will be okay

Tightened skin stretched around burning sockets
dry eyes that want nothing more then to weep
staring at non existent patterns of the ceiling
trying to decipher something
anything
to bring release, blessed unconsciousness
to float away for a time and timeless
to not exist
nothing
until time to wake again to face this hateful world
torn full of words and screaming to be heard
only to rush to another endless night
to lay alone with the voices
and wish desperately
to sleep
tortuously the weary mind tired beyond comprehension
is denied this most basic of escapes from life
seemingly trapped here in this stale
empty bed that reflects
waking life.

Send me out to the emptiness between galaxies
and let me sleep forever in the cold dark
peace.

Another week is done and little has been accomplished
It seems lately I only exist to eat, I’ve barely left the house
Sleepless nights filled with scrambled egg thoughts of a time which doesn’t exist any longer, served up on a plate come breakfast time
My new home although filled with animals, holds no resemblance to what we had built together
The home I finally deserved left desiccated come springtime’s-battle with mental health
The cats although great company do not replace the steady hum of your computer fans
The rhythm of your breathing knowing you were somewhere close in proximity
Weekends brought a time when we felt whole
6 am memories releasing silent fountains of tears do not bring us back together
Hours passing can’t erase the 4 months it’s been since you left me
Or the wintertime when everything had been perfectly comfortable
No, our love left me with a void of blankness impossible to just shake away
Entirely unforgiving feelings, grieving for every kind word you ever said
Id be lying if I didn’t miss you.

Dead skin and dirt under crescent shaped keratin claws
I'll take a shower- fix the problem, but
Sin isn’t grime, and pain isn’t filth
and the lines on my arms
aren’t a map
directing you anywhere
but you’ll trace them from my wrists to my eyes and you’ll
wonder

Sleepless nights
I wake up often
No reason to be seen
It just happens

I wake up in darkness
No sight to use
I feel panic rise
I know this experience well

I wake up in fear
The darkness scares
What could be there,
Scare me the most

I never got over it
The fear of darkness
The fear of what could be
The uncertainty of it all

Take deep breaths
Pull the sheets up
Cover my face and head
Keep feet unexposed

It doesn't help usually
Turn a light on
Make sure door is shut tight
Turn TV on for sound

Fall asleep
Wake up
Turn off light and TV
Go back to sleep.

The cycle starts again
Initially asleep
Wake up
Fear

eye lids move slowly
over the eyeballs
in an effort to garner
sleep to a worn out
body to restore the
metabolism to normality
yet sleep eludes

the slight movement
of the eyelids never felt before
is sensed as the brine tear
a lubricant between the interface
where surface tension dominates
all other forces of physics
what force dominates my heart?
I know not
and sleep eludes me

Unconstrained emotions flow
around like unsettled dust
particles glowing in the sunlight
that escapes in through a ventilator hole
sedatives themselves are sedated
and sleep eludes me

I still have five more days I foresee
before hallucinations and delusions
take over me
before that oh sleep like gandalf
arriving at helms deep
please come back to me
but not at the breaking of the dawn
not when light is bright
but in silence of the mysterious night