what dictates a date anymore?
i'm unsure.
ever since the virus struck, i've questioned so much.
is my degree working toward something considered "essential"
or will one day in the future when another sickness rules, i be laid off
and labeled
non-essential?

my whole life i've been non-essential in people's lives.
i've been the off-brand toilet paper that people wait till the charmin's run out to buy.
i've been the wal-mart brand frozen pizza that serves slightly less purpose than digiorno.
why haven't i ever been the prego? the heinz?

i wonder why.

and what dictates who i am?
is it the labeling on my outside, or the contents within?
what did you look for first? my bright colored packaging or the nutritional value on the back of my canister?
did you search how many calories i carry? the baggage i've brought along during my stroll through the store?

if people are browsing ever so constantly, why am i always left to live through my shelf life?
until you picked me up.
oh, god, you picked me up off the shelf and you looked at me for much longer than anyone else did!

what happened to the stroll in the store? i'm gliding.
you've whisked me up and it seems as though you didn't even get a chance to see what i've been through: you've decided. you want me.
i want you too.

what dictates a date anymore?
is it a stroll in the grocery store?

i've met several people before and i've loved them in equally different ways,
but none of them were ever as captivating as you.
i could watch you do nothing for hours.
your smile, the way you part your hair, the way you rest your hand on your cheek when you're looking at me.
you're a dream.
for the longest time i had dreams of someone who never existed, but at this point i'm almost convinced the person in my dreams was you all along.

Borderline Personality Disorder.

1. The other day I woke up and thought I knew who I was
I fell asleep and somewhere in between I lost myself
I lost the feeling in my stomach too
but we're still talking about how much we have in common.

2. My sweater got stuck on the hanger this morning
I started to rip it down
eventually I broke plastic and skin.
I haven't been back in my room since.

3. 12:06 PM Today my best friend came home and took most of our makeup
12:07 PM I messaged her and mocked our friendship.
12:07 PM She was in trouble with her grandma and had to hurry. She didn't know.
12:08 PM I broke down crying.

4. I woke up at 7:32 AM and took 4 shots
drank 2 beers
smoked four bowls
drank half a bottle of NyQuil and woke up the next day.
I have yet to figure out why.

5. I wanted to be a horse trainer for 9 years
then I decided I wanted to be an artist
worked on becoming a tattoo artist
matured into a writer
fell in love with photography
now I'm not even sure if I like school.

6. First scars appeared at 9
worst scars at 15.
First attempt at 10
almost wasn't an attempt at 14.

7. I've been happy the past few days
but I still want to **** myself
because soon I'll be drowning in depression
and succumbing to anxiety.

9. Once I got so bored
I thought myself into sorrow.
I didn't come out for a few hours
but by dinner I was laughing.

10. I used to be in love with a boy
but I didn't know
so I used whatever I could get
and now I'm alone.
I don't blame him.

11. I've mentally lost myself
as I screamed into the mirror
and it wasn't me talking to myself.
I don't really remember being there
but I was.

it follows me like a shadow,
each day clinging onto my body for dear life;
i wish my memories would die before i do.

it has gotten smaller,
but it still hurts the same, as if it had just happened yesterday;
at night, the memories still creep into my mind.

i am going insane,
or maybe i've just stayed the same;
**** truly never goes away.

7:43
and i’m trying to not write your name,
you never appreciated my rhymes
maybe that’s why your name doesn’t rhyme with anything.
7:44
and i’m thinking of someone new,
someone better than you
i swear just one more drink then i’m through.
7:45
and i’m out of my mind,
head over heels for someone who’s not even mine
and once again i’m forced to leave you behind.
7:46
and your name makes me sick,
you’re such a
and i’m beyond over you and your heartless tricks.
7:47
and she makes me feel like i’m in heaven,
thank god you showed me hell
thanks to you my swollen heart's getting well.
7:48
i realize it all now but it’s too late,
you’ve already played your promiscuous game
thankfully she told me she loved me and stayed.

(god, in five minutes so much has changed)