In January I felt so free
Wanting to explore vast infinity

In February I started school
Ditching classes like any fool

In March I was at work and met you
A man with brown eyes and a gaze so blue

In April my heart did sing
With all the love you did bring

In May I felt brand new
******* for the first time in front of you

In June I was so uneasy
Fearing that you'd up and leave me

In July you ended it all
Telling me you'd never call

In August I wept through the season
Feeling like my life had no reason

In September I regained my strength
Deciding to cut my depression's length

In October we met again
Darkness in your eyes did reign

In November you tried to play with me
But your false words didn't drown me in misery

In December you told me about your cheating
When you found your heart wounded and bleeding

It’s 3:00am; I’m sitting here in the dark trying to come up with something sweeter to imprint than all the dirt my pen aches to trail behind. I want to be sunny with my words because I feel sunny. I feel the steadiness of life mending every broken bone in my body. But I’m afraid the sunny road is not the honest one. I’ve begun to learn on this journey of written words that I do not choose what goes on paper and what does not; my mind feels before I do, it writes before I do. My mind is guiding me to write the pain I’ve already felt, to use it. —you didn't feel those feelings for nothing, so you could let them die in vain; take them, make them tears that perish in jars of untouched honey—. But I can’t offer honey without offering the mess and stickiness it beacons.
So as I plunge myself into a mess only made pure with ink, I realize that I am not responsible for the honey dripping on my paper,
but I am responsible for the taste it leaves when it reaches your tongue.

Walk yourself through it again
You'll get yourself through this again.

Deep breath in
Count to four
Let it out
Go once more.

Remind yourself of why you're here
This day will end, silence the fear

Deep breath in
Count to four
Let it out
Go once more.

Shut your brain off to the lies
Ignore the hurt, numb your mind

Deep breath in
Count to four
Let it out
Go once more.

You deserve life.
You deserve to enjoy life.
Don't let this cut off the only source to living your life that exists.

Deep breath in
Count to four
Let it out
Go once more.

on the worse days,
i do not let it show.
i watch the ones whom i love most
out of the corner of my eye.
their faces are bright.
i watch them - hope and love and surety - and think,
i am sorry.
i am sorry.
and i do not let it show.

everything is loud around me
and i am an apology left unheard, unspoken;
i myself am left deafened,
too lost to speak.

my love, my love,
i look at you and think:
i am sorry.
do you know? do you know?

do you know:
i am a plane crash,
i am leaping off this cliff that is my breakdown,
i am drowned in my own waters.
do you know, do you know?
my ribcage has been paper-thin for so long,
and my own heart is knocking it down
(it pounds so loud);
and so i am trembling fingers and empty feet,
burning palms and everyday fatigue.
i am the moment
the calm leaves the storm
and everything comes crashing;
i am a star about to die,
and not once did i ever seem to shine;
i am an explosion,
and do you know:
i am so terrified
you will be caught in my aftermath.

in the end,
none of the metaphors will ever fit:
i am sad.
it has been this way for some time.
do you know?
if i think too much my eyes might tear up,
and this is why i can never seem to meet your gaze.

no; of course not:
my apologies are always unspoken.
i am sorry;
perhaps one day the bravery will return
(if it was ever there)
and neither of us will be so lost.

my love, my love,
i am sorry. give me time.

my love,
worry not about me.
not yet, not now.
your quiet love - it is bright,
and i think: no,
you do not have to know.
for this moment, i will be all right.
i will not let it show.
(i will try to stop apologizing for faults that aren't mine.)
my love,
stay with me in this moment.
i ask for little more.

I still believe in love
But I don't believe love lasts
I still believe in promises
But I don't put any faith into them
I still believe that everyone has a soulmate
But I fear that there are too many people for me to find my own

I still believe in love
I believe it lasts if work is put in by both lovers
I still believe in promises
If they come from a place of genuine care and honesty
I still believe that everyone has a soul mate
And I hope mine is preparing for me

m.h.