You believed in me before you knew my name
but you asked it anyway.

I long to hold a secret.
To have a place that feels like home,
And know I never have to leave it.
There's glimpses of it all around
Feelings I can't shake,
Moments I can't explain.
I cling to anything
Remotely resembling
All these invisible nudges
Whispering,
Telling me to hold on.
That it's out there.
It's real. It exists.

If you give up, it can't find you.
Keep searching.

There are creatures inside me
Thrashing and squirming
Eating away bits they fancy.
Redefining who I am.
Invisible to the subtle glance
Silent to those who question selfishly.

But it’s there.
Growing.
Progressing.
Screaming so loud I can’t ignore it.

Just because you choose not to see it
Doesn’t make it any less real.

I have many things I don’t deserve
Yet I look forward to the day the pain stops
And the anxiety ebbs again.
I hesitate to wish away these days
Because they could take the good things with them.
The very thought of that possibility
Brings tears to my eyes.

I do my best to appreciate
The things that bring the smiles to my face
While I endure through the things that break me.

I cry a lot.
I don’t write much.

I grieve the day I breathe my last and
can no longer see the way the
spring sun shines through trees and
dances through the grass in
so many shades of green.
Or how it brings out the red in your hair you
always swore was there as the
wind tousles it across your face,
getting caught in the corner of the
smirk you can’t hide.
I’ll miss you being mine.

The storm I grew to love betrayed me
Thats what I get for putting
My trust in the elements.

The room where pain was my company
The bed I sat on when breakthrough happened
The Blinds I opened so I could stare the storm in the eye
It’s all gone now
Destroyed by the very thing that comforted me.
The same very thing that used to scare me.

No sooner I learned accepted it
I’m reminded that nothing is predictable.
Plans are just guesses at a future we hope for.
Mine went a little differently.

I’m older now.
Wiser.
Stronger.
The rain washed out things I didn’t know were holding me back.

I’m rebuilding myself.
Better than before.
I’m letting go of the past I used to define myself.
Stepping in to the future ahead.

Those unpredictable guesses at what tomorrow holds.

I’m making sense of the mess I’ve been left with,
Holding on to the Hope that’s never left me

I can endure the pain
Bring on the rain.