I should be asleep by now.

on and off
and two
and a half years later
and you’ve still never called me
      beautiful.

kindly forgive me

but i seem to have misplaced my

mind.

            maybe to planet mars, or,

                                   is it buried    in   the   park?

i feel like i might be going    insane

and everything is a  blur

and i    didn’t mean to

            disappear.

it happens to me every time

i just

      get tired

and  i  slink  away  to  be  by  myself

it isn’t easy

i didn’t mean to    go so soon

i just   don’t know how i can speak to you after i left off on such

     cruel terms

and i am so very sorry

i never intended on hurting you

You always looked at me as if you were better.
Maybe it is because drugs were never your forte and
through me they flowed so easily.
but I do recall a boy who craved
to be a part of my
scene, but he didn't belong what
with his Nike socks and his
Polo shirts.
That couldn't be it,
because you wanted
every other girl there
over me and nearly ****** my
best friend in the bed that
held me the day before.
I was never good enough for you.
I didn't work out and
especially didn't not in
matching gear from all of your
expensive favorites.
I preferred botched up jeans and
a flannel that didn't quite match
my beanie or
my shoes.

You always looked at me as if you were better.
Hell, you'd rarely even
hold my hand in
your car let alone in
public, did you worry about
how it looked to be seen with
someone like me? Someone who
you'd give that same disgusted look
every ******* day?
You'd look at me with complete
self-glorification and absolute
lack of empathy, no love
left for the girl who would
slit her own ******* throat
if you truly desired it.

You always looked at me as if you were better.
****, maybe you are.

I know this, I know this, I know this, I don't, I do.
I understand how to find the
acceleration of a runner when
given the change in time but
I don't know what that runner would
rather be doing, who they'd rather
be with,
if anyone.
I don't know who I'd rather be with,
if anyone.
I am learning, I have learned.
I am smart by the books,
by the state, by the curriculum,
but I don't how how I will go on
when everyone I love is dead, or
if I will cry tonight.
I know that distance times time is
speed but I don't know when I will
run out of it.
Time.
Time.
Time.
Time is irrelevant.
Focus in class,
do as you're asked and
be like the rest.
Don't forget to brush your teeth
and don't forget to stay asleep and
don't forget to forget to think because
when you think, you know
and when you know you're not
following.
Follow.
Follow.
Follow.
Sleep.