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  Feb 2018 Sam
Emma Beckett
I think,
There are people in your life that are so big, they take up space in your body.

Eventually,
You become a tangled mess- an amalgamation of pieces of you and them.

Then,
When they leave, they take those pieces with them.

Suddenly,
You are empty, there is a hole in the place they once existed.

And,
You can  never truly be full again, the space they took up was far to big.
  Feb 2018 Sam
haley
i. the curly, green-haired
leo with the cry-baby tattoo
on her left calf; fish net stockings and
loud guitar playing and
menthol cigarettes. driving through
the park at 9 pm, ***** shots,
the white house with the a-frame roof,
hugs that made your heart feel as warm
as she did

crying as i left my room again to be
intertwined with a girl who did not love me, but i wanted to;
months pass, lonely car rides with
one-sided conversations and
seven years gone,
quiet disconnection
that made you feel as cold
as i did

ii. brown eyes, brown skin,
round glasses and chicago streetlights.
holding each other close on the subway
lakehouse parties in the beginning of spring and
pisces season and tarot readings and
soft kisses on the train.
holding hands at the aquarium,
sweet poetry and calm and
a sense of oneness that made you feel
important

hurt for the third time
a panic, a loss
i held their heart in my hands and
let it fall
harsh
unimportant
i still carry the guilt on my fingertips

iii. short hair. freckled cheeks, i
fell in love with the way the skin
crinkled around her eyes when she smiled.
an apartment, a home built
around our lips touching
wrapped in blankets on the couch,
dense smoke and her hand on my leg while she
drove. chinese food and
waking up against her chest and
laughing so hard
my ribs hurt

crashing. her anger withering away my
heartstrings; pain and
crying alone in the bathtub
moving away
drunk tears on the interstate
punching my thighs
in place of the way her
words made
me hurt
feeling extra lonely these days. they come and go.
  Feb 2018 Sam
Muted
all too often
we carry the
inexplicable burden
of perfection,
the weight balanced
upon our weakened shoulders,
we can hear our hollow bones
cracking like fallen leaves
under the pressure,
and still, we ignore it.
we see ourselves
through a looking glass
of social comparison
and self discrepancy.
she can't be better than me.
we want to believe that we are beautious beings.
we criticize what
intimidates us,
hatred falling from
our tongues
without a single,
rational thought.
it is then that we become wolves in sheep clothing

but let me tell you this:
you and i, will never be the same
my hair will never
fall the way yours does,
clothes will never
rest that delicately
upon my frame.
there is a divergence
in the way my
hips sway
and
that is okay.

i've a geyser
in my heart,
rosebuds in
my soul.
the faults,
crevices,
canyons in
my flesh
tell the story
of where i am
and have been.
i've inextinguishable embers
inside of me,
things that no other
being will
ever see.

and you,

you are
a monument,
too.

so, though
we all aspire to be
that image seared
into our minds,
from the cover
of that magazine
we read when we
were thirteen,
we will never be the same


and
that
is
incredible
Sam Feb 2018
If you were feeling -

If you were breathing normal and proper and thick with emotion -



The guilt would tear you apart.


*(and this is apathy's saving grace.)
Sam Feb 2018
You switched countries the first time when you were 3.
Stayed in one place 14 and a half years,
then switched from living on one continent and visiting another,
to just staying on one (other) continent,
and flip-flopping between two countries.

The Gross Total: 3 continents;
4 countries (lived), 14 countries (visited);
3 languages, 5 schools;
10 places of living (house, home, apartment - pick a word you like.)

*And you're one of the lucky ones.
Sam Feb 2018
I don't do anger (this is not a lie.)
Don't do rage, or fury.
Just sad. Just broken. Just hurt.

Because how can you feel anger,
when you are too empathetic
for your own **** good?
When understanding comes
before fury ever has a chance to?

Apparently, you let yourself shout
at the stars,
surrounded by a crowd
who muffles your volume
with their own,
and doesn't care about you
in the slightest,
encouraged along
by the hand
holding tight
to your own.

Apparently, you let yourself feel
everything you can:
the hurt
the terror
the loneliness
the overwhelming sense
and hollowing out of it all

And you let your tears run free
And have your voice follow.

There is nothing beautiful about it;
suppressed emotions forcing their way out in stutters and run-on sentences alike, the cadence of it all jumping through octaves, shrill and not enough air to low and soft and quiet, heartbeat too fast and too slow all at once, scared to death of confessing too much yet relieved, all at the same time.

There is nothing beautiful about it,
but it looks like and sounds like and feels like anger.

Like fury.
Like rage.

It feels directed at everything more so than anything specific, but more than that - it feels like something.

*Like being alive again.
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