Everyday is another day
To either repeat my mistakes or consider forgetting this hate
But everyday I wake up and think of two things
First I think of him
Then I think of you
And I'm sorry my heads out of order
Excuse me for crossing these borders
But I still love him
Can I be infatuated with two?
I'd say yes
Because I'll love you both forever
Though we don't talk I can't let you escape my mind for you are every unanswered question I've ever asked and you are every cell I've left unexplored
Meanwhile
You
I love you as of the current
And I've known this for a long while
But I've sailed every inch of your sea and left a trail of small bruises and remanimts of red lipstick
But I don't want you to leave
I'm just afraid I'll go forever without knowing what he'd be like
Afraid of the unknown
Because with you I am home
With you I am free
But when I exit that ******* door it's him
**** I hate how it's always him and never home
But I love you of the current
And I'm sorry
Don't let me go
Don't leave me stranded in this bed without that well memorized map most call a mind, body and soul
I'm only 15
Why do I feel so old?

i have racked my mind
trying to figure this whole thing out
the staying, the going
the threads we claim hold us here
& the people who've stopped to play a tune on them
i sometimes relate it
to waking up in waist deep snow
in our former selves
the us we wish we could give one another
the children we've sat on the shelves
trapped, like the looks
we leave behind in snow globes
i sometimes imagine ships
dragging the bottom to the sea of "me"
for sleep & pieces of my old self
to sell to the new one
like history doesn't repeat itself
it gets me wondering
if you too want an apology from the rain
or if you dream of burning family photo albums
and wearing the ashes like perfume
if you're anything like me
how i hope god chokes
on memories of me blowing out candles as a child
i know i shouldn't reference my reader  
but don't you know, the only difference
between alone & lonely is you?
that if my hands could talk
the only thing they'd be able to say
is "dear god we've missed you"
and how can you tell me it isn't love
when even the rain refuses to fall
in places where i've kissed you
i remember the day
you found my smile at a yard sale
it reminds me of how you'll leave
i wonder if when you go
you'll tell yourself
the person in the rear view mirror
is closer than they appear

complacency is killing us; our blind acceptance of who and what and where God is will **** us. we are not fighting, not the way we should be. i have all the fires and brimstone of hell inside of me-- does that mean all of those sinners get sent to me? i am dissatisfied with this and i will fight, fire with fire, until one has been put out and the other consumes all. if i have options, i have one right to choose. we need to question, we need to strike, because we are the people and no one can silence this, no one can put this down. fight back and ponder the credibility of your God and walk into your church and stare at that cross and ask your God the questions you weren't taught to ask. o farmers: pick up the rifle and put down the plow-- the time to fight is now because it's now or never, blindly loving children of God, but do not give me your answers. keep them to yourselves and let them fester with an infection that no amount of praying can drive out. are you going to keep fighting God, or are you going to collapse into the arms of God? question everything He has taught you but do not be afraid, because He will still let you into His kingdom once you have found in this cookie cutter religion what it is you need and want. you have to get out of this terrifying ignorance and into the harsh truth you formulate. the blind dark may be appealing, beckoning you, but however painful, the reality is your paradise so get out of the palace of the pharoh and into the new world; God will open his arms to you still