My eyes were bloodshot and you told me I needed more sleep
And that's when I realized that you weren't who I thought you were
Because I always thought of all the people
You would understand
That some nights are not meant for sleeping

And some nights my body doesn't fit me right and I wrestle around trying to get in my own skin again.

And some night my dreams are so vivid I can't tell what's real and what's not the next morning and it scares me.

And some nights the spaces between my ribs grow and the world becomes filled with metaphors and wonder and the air is so sweet I can barely breathe.

And some nights,
the night is all I have and I'm afraid that if I fall asleep it'll be taken from me so I hold on as tight as I can.

Some nights are very very good
Some nights are very very bad
Sleep does not belong to either of those nights
Sleep is not worthy of those precious hours of darkness when my surroundings match my emotions

I thought you would understand.

I tell myself to snap out of it
But I can only think of the way you would snap at me when I did something wrong
But your eyes would soften and you would gently grab my face and say
"I'm sorry"
Over and over.

We weren't perfect.
We weren't even close.
But you gave me something I had never thought could be long to me
You gave me stability
When my world would spin round and around
backwards and forwards,
my head spinning with it.
Nothing making sense.
My knees trembling
and my ears ringing.
There was you.
The steady rock in the never ending tornado.
You were there for me in a way I could never be for you.
And maybe that's why you picked yourself up
And moved onto some other storm
One that would calm down for you.
I'm sorry I never could.
I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry.

Who am I
to think I was stronger
than the way you looked at me
when you thought I couldn't see.

Who am I
to think that my heart
would never quicken it's pace
when you touched my hand.

Who am I
to think that my head
would never spin stories
about the two of us together.

Who am I
to think that my mouth
would never curve into a smile
when you laugh at something I said.

Who am I
to think that I could have the willpower
to resist you.

today i realized that infinities are not about passion between lovers or promises of old but about the never ending truth that we will never belong to each other in all of the infinities and all of their never ending possibilities

I want only that you are happy.
That you find joy in unexpected places
and in unexpected ways.
That you find wealth in the rich spirits of others
and sweet new memories.
But mostly
I hope you find love in a doorway
that will refuse against all of your pushing
to stay shut.

It hardly seems fair
that some people have a heart
strong enough to support 600lbs.
And yet my heart
endlessly pounds.
Threatening to burst from my chest
and erupt without notice
with just the thought
of the weight of your lips
pressed against mine.