Sometimes I’m reminded
How deeply obsessed
I have made men.
Some have told me
They’d rather be dead
Than without me
I’m too selfish
To care what happens
Every man
Who has treated me
Poorly or carelessly
Live a life of regret
That I got away
And I can’t help
But get off
To the thought
Of controlling
A single
Aspect of
Their life.
Sometimes
When I’m
On the brink
Of release
I remember
And it feels
like
Pure electricity.

it’s quite funny
nobody else exists when i’m around you
i don’t look around to see who notices me
i don’t try to spot pretty faces in crowds
the prettiest face is always looking right back at me
holding me, loving me, telling me sweet words.
i’ve been an attention ***** from childhood
fatherless and filling that void was my focus
i ate it up, it fueled me, it gave me purpose.
i’ve forgotten it because of you
the only person i want to see me is you.
i’d tear my eyes out if i’d never see you again
i’ll never want anything more from you
but you.
you fill that void, you’re the missing puzzle piece.
i’ve searched for you my entire life
shoving worthless people in to feel complete.
somehow i stumbled upon you accidentally
the pieces merged together and my eyes opened.
you complete me, fill me, shown me what love is;
i’ve lost that filter of being able to hold the tears
they stream out when i remember the abundance
of love you’ve given me when i needed it most.
life without you was nothing special:
eat, sleep, breathe, cry
—quite pathetic and never ending.
how did i manage to find you?
i’ve begged God for you.
i’ve asked what made me unworthy of love.
why i’ve been given dud after dud.
only pain came from my relationships.
every time you tell me how you feel
how you love me
how you crave me
how you’ll **** me
how you’ll hold me
how you’ll comfort me
how you’ll marry me
i yearn to tell my younger self to be patient.
if only i knew you were out there
i’d stop letting my body be used
i’d stop letting them hit me
i’d stop throwing up to be skinny
i’d stop starving myself
i’d stop cutting my wrists
I’ve cried endless tears waiting.
but the only tears i shed for you
are nothing less than formed from our love.
as much as i wish i could tell you this,
i’d never be able to get the words out.
therefore, i’ll write them,
and hope you love them as much as
i love you.

I have been through tragic amounts of trauma,
but I still want to protect you from what's happened to me.
I don't talk about it because I know you already know.
I want you to see the joyful parts of me.
How far I've come as a person, rather than a victim.
I know my scars are deep, but you kiss every inch anyways.
You hold my body and touch me without worrying about hurting me
because you know you never could.
I know you will always be there if it started getting the best of me.
The last thing I want for you
is to think I'm any less than I am
And the last thing I want for me
is to think you couldn't understand.

sometimes i smell you on my sheets,
but only for a brief moment and it’s gone.
it reminds me how easy i could lose you,
and it only makes me want you more.

your presence is addictive
i spend most of my day
waiting to see you
i sit here checking the time
for what feels like the millionth time
the day drags itself on
until i hear from you
the time is in overdrive
which seems as if only
when you’re around
my eyes light up
my smile widens
my heart races
i knew from the
first time i laid my eyes on you
that you were either going
to be the best or worst thing
to happen to me
will i continue to be
falling hard
or will i end up having a
hard falling.

the fog covers the grass
the air is filled with mist
the sun peaks over the mountains
a chill runs down my spine
i watch the trees sway
i see the squirrels hopping on them
the birds begin to sing
life begins to wake up, along with me
the red, orange, and yellow leaves
show themselves as the fog moves
i watch from my window
my marvelous window into nature

it is 2 a.m.
everything is dark.
my room is hot
but i shiver when i’m not surrounded by my comforter.
i don’t know why it’s hard to breathe
or hard to move
or why the tears won’t stop.
why do i feel stuck in my room?
why do i crave it when i leave?
why do i want to leave when i’m here?
i just want some air and some reassurance that i’m not losing it.
i just want my arms to stop shaking while my skin is so warm.
i want my pulse to calm down.
i want my mind to stop thinking.
i just want to sleep.

I am fine.
I can admit it.
Although I dedicated 7 months
to find out you're not the one for me.
I wasn't top pick.
I wasn't the one you longed for.
Yet, you kept me around,
because you knew i'd do anything you asked.
But here I am.
I stood my ground
I took back what was mine,
my dignity,
my happiness,
and most importantly,
my life.

I'm sorry you wasted my time.