When I found out I had to see you again,
I was terrified.
My body shook, I was petrified.
I lost all sense in me. I was horrified.
I couldn't breathe I was mortified.

The memories came rushing in leaving my bruised heart traumatised.
I couldn't breathe as I thought about how good we used to be,
How happy I was.
How your pearly whites took me further than cloud 9,
How your laugh was filled with so much enthusiasm and honesty,
How your piercing brown eyes took me to utopia,
How your touch was euphoric, better than ecstasy.
How just being with you made me believe in soul mates.

But now it's just sheer pain.
I can't bear to lock my eyes with yours.
My heart holds the pain of a thousand needles pierced in.
It hurts more when I see you.
I still love you.
It hurts so ******* bad knowing you're still in control.

The stars give me hope.
Their attitude towards darkness is inspiring.
They are forever shinning.

In this post apocalyptic world.
Happiness isn't as important as acceptance

I never really understood how a heart breaks.

I guess it starts with one little crack.
One disappointment from the one you love, one nasty word from your best friend, or one time you fell and no one picked you.

You fell so hard that a little crack started in your heart. As you picked yourself up off the ground and began to dust your knees off, you realized how alone you truly are.

And after this realization, there's one more little crack added to your once whole heart.

You pass through middle school...
One crack here, another there.
Oh, that crack grew a few more centimeters.

You're moving into high school and you don't know if your heart can take any more.  

You meet someone who changes your world.

This boy... He's wonderful and caring, smart and loving. Everything you've wanted in your life.

You get upset by the small things- he doesn't send good morning texts, he's not always the most talkative, and he's surely not giving you the attention you want.

Each of these small things send a small crack to your heart.

Eventually, your heart is broken.

No big heart breaking event, just so many small things led to the break.

He helps to fix your heart, and all is well for a while.

Suddenly, you're heart broken again. This time, the incident was even smaller than before.

I guess, the more your heart gets broken, the easier it is to break.  If things continue at this rate, how long will it be until crawling out of bed, or going into work breaks your heart...?

Like nature I do not want to be dependent on you.
I want to be one with myself.
I want to grow and evolve.

Like the tiniest seeds, I want to be carried away by the wind, the rain or the animals.
I want to find myself in the soil as it protects me from ****** birds and excited worms.
I want to sprout out from the soil, experience the sun,
Embrace the wind,
Harbor the cold
And face pure germination.

As they say germination can be thought of as anything expanding into greater being from a small existence or germ.

Like nature I do not wish to be dependent on you.
Regardless of the love you do not give me,
I will extend my roots and find it within me.
Because you might think I need you, but the truth is I don't.
I have learned to evolve just like nature

The need for these pills so survive is stronger than ever.

If not them I just need somebody that's going to stay with me. I can't trust myself when I'm alone.
With all this darkness the only light I see is these pills

You know my heart may be a little messy and all broken.
But I do miss you.
And I still Love you.
And not enough pain is going to take that away.

You're the one I want to marry.
The one I want to spend my entire life with.
Have babies and little animals with.
Gosh I hope we get through this.