Most children want toys for Christmas but I wanted revenge.
Santa put me on his naughty list and what I did made him cringe.
I called the cops and told them that Santa molested me.
The cops went to the North Pole and arrested him, there will be no presents under people's trees.

He put me on the naughty list because I yanked a girl's ponytail.
The punishment didn't fit the crime so now Santa is rotting in jail.
What Santa did was unfair so now I'm making him pay.
And he's really unhappy because his cellmate is gay.

I heard that Santa has been sexually assaulted every day he's been in jail.
There is no money at the North Pole so the elves aren't able to post bail.
What I did may have been wrong but it feels so right.
I got revenge and no gifts will be delivered on Christmas night.

My name is Timmy and I had a dog named Lassie.
My father is an alcoholic and my mother is sassy.
Mom has affairs with every man who comes to town.
When it comes to Mom, you'd better believe she's been around.
My mom is pregnant but it isn't Dad's baby.
I had to shoot Lassie because she had rabies.
But before I could shoot her, she sank her teeth into my *****.
I had to get some painful shots and I didn't like that at all.
Lassie got out because Dad was drunk and didn't shut the door.
Lassie got in a fight with a rabid wolf and my ***** are still sore.
I constantly daydream about being kidnapped.
I want somebody to take me away from this crap.
My mom is the loosest woman in town and my dad stays plastered.
Mom and Dad never got married so I guess that makes me a *******.

I won't be home for Christmas even though I tried.
I won't be home because my parole was denied.
My wife said she'd leave me if I didn't buy her a $20,000 ring.
I robbed a bank to get the money and my *** was in a sling.
This may be hard for you to believe.
I robbed that bank on Christmas Eve.
A policeman put a bullet in my *** when he fired a shot.
I couldn't sit down for weeks and 20 years was what I got.
True to her word, my wife did leave.
She abandoned her family on Christmas Eve.
My twenty year old son is a pervert, he wears ******* and bras.
And even though he's twenty, he still believes in Santa Claus.
He's been taking care of his younger siblings ever since I was put away.
But he's an alcoholic who will sell his siblings in order to get drunk on Christmas Day.
Before my wife packed her bags and left for good, she threw a hissy fit.
Now I realize that when it came to committing that crime, she wasn't worth it.

Something happened and my son is ******.
He found out that he's on Santa's naughty list.
But he's not only on that list this year, he's on it permanently.
When I tell you why he's been banned, it will be clear to see.
My son put hair remover in my shampoo.
And when I sat in my chair, I sat on super glue.
Thinking about what he'll do next, fills me with dread.
Yesterday, the brat put a live rattlesnake in his sister's bed.
He sold all of my clothes and bought an XBOX One.
Now I have to go out in public in my underwear because of my stupid son.
He spiked his mother's coffee and when she drove to work, she was drunk.
My son is on Santa's naughty list forever because he's nothing but a punk.

The Christmas of 2012 was the last Christmas that you celebrated on Earth.
You were a kind and loving mother for 41 and a half years after my birth.
When March the 6th arrived, you wouldn't have a tomorrow.
It took two years for me to get over the pain and sorrow.
I can't spend anymore Christmases with you, now I spend my Christmases alone.
You were a terrific woman and the best person who I've ever known.
March of 2013 was the worst month and year that I've ever experienced.
When you passed away, it hurt me terribly and I've missed you ever since.
But I feel much better now, time does heal a man's wounds.
Merry Christmas Mom, I'm sorry that you died too soon.

I have a sad story that requires music that's played by a fiddle.
I've been wounded and I'm spending Black Friday at the hospital.
Gamestop announced that they were knocking 80 percent off of Playstation 4s.
Less than one hour later, paramedics wheeled me through the hospital doors.
I tried to grab a PS4 from a woman, I thought because she was a woman, she wouldn't put up a fight.
But she stabbed, clawed, poked and she even decided to bite.
I really wanted that Playstation 4 because of how little it cost.
But when that woman was through, a lot of my blood was lost.
I'm at the hospital on Black Friday and it's a real shame.
Why did I want that PS4, I don't even like video games.

People should be thankful for their families.
We should be thankful not to be in a country that is plagued by starvation and disease.
We should be thankful for our Thanksgiving meals because starving people don't have it to eat.
We should be thankful to have our homes instead of being homeless and living on the streets.
We should be thankful to be healthy and to still be living.
We have so much to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.