Want:Lust::Need:Love

You say if I'm actively suicidal you'll have to commit me, so can I please verify whether this is a passive or active feeling?
You don't seem to understand that I am passively active at all times, that suicide is not something you have to die to commit.
You don't grasp that I am both fine and alive while being broken and empty, all at the same time.
You don't see that I can comprehend that something is wrong with my mind for the way it whispers to me of deaths inviting embrace, that I know this isn't normal, but oh, oh do I wish it was.
You ask me to rate my feelings on a scale of 1-5, quantifying my mind's nuances before I have a chance to explain that I don't even know myself half the time.
Do your best, you say.

My best ran out when I stepped over the threshold, next time I'll know not to waste it on a visit to you.

we live in a box
with endless walls and tiny windows
unseen beings
lurking in the creeks
of despair and desperation
whilst barrows of bodies
whisked away and turned to
ash that soils the otherwise
spotless home you've made
within the cell...
ular confines of existence

It's an echo of a scream,
lost in the midst of thousands.
All of whom just need one chance
to live a life dictated by their own hands.

Plaster poured upon bowed heads,
forever to be frozen as beggars.
Not one whisper to be said
from those immortalized together.

It's funny how easy it is to do what's forbidden.
I care not for following guidelines and rules anymore.
So what if I'm ruining my life?

I shan't hold you accountable, don't worry your head about it. I've gotten a taste for self-exploration and for the freedom to do it.
No amount of your sickly sweet lectures will wash it away.

Tell me I'm wrong, see if I care.
I'll respond same as tonight-
With an open window and an empty bed.

I panic at the thought of being alone
I found solace in a classroom
and even that was taken away
I get dizzy when I encounter my blood
though everyone says the bond is unconditional
I sit in the midst of those that say they love me
I weep and not one of them sees
I cry out and not one of them understands the pain in my shell of a heart
I try to be good but sometimes I can't control it
It all comes out- actions, words, thoughts, feelings
in a mess of emotion and release
A release that causes nothing but pain
I wish I could control my fate
I need control of something
The slight reprimands of actions not yet taken
Just instigate what shouldn't be started
I can't keep up to the future
I want to tear my heart in pieces
Hand one to everything that has a greater control
Over my blood than I do
And tell them all to do as they please
Mold a new heart from the old
Recycle the broken me into a machine
Because it's feelings and freedom of thought
That started this mess
My insecurities and weaknesses lead me to the brink
But a machine is monotone and cold and hard and
Frankly much more suited to the others
Than my blood-pumping heart is.
I want to stop living under the perception of control
Give everything up once and for all
Allow the gears to slip from my unwanted brain
Into the hands of the finest technician
Or perhaps the cheapest, as that would be what I deserve
Become reprogrammed to follow the whims of
Everything that controls my blood.

I am a *******.

My hands are not my own,
my words are spoken for me.
I do not have a choice
in where my legs drag me.

If not a *******, then what?

Let's dance to the ends of the wold.
Let's dance to the golden gates of heaven.
However,
Be warned-
For that is where I leave you

happiness
lingers in the crevices
of my brain
longing for a
chance to breathe
and to grow
but the thoughts
that overcame the
happiness
in the first place
are too dark
and resemble
the ever so cliche
black hole
******* up all the
light
leaving few traces-
just enough
to keep
the memory of true happiness
present
and the pure darkness
alive

I'm Sorry.

It seems only fitting to apologize,
especially when addressing someone
as pure as you.
You make all my
imperfections feel insignificant,
You make me feel so much better
than I really am.

My ugly nature is so strong though,
that the moment I step away from
your beautiful light, the darkness
comes crashing down upon my aura.

Your perfection holds true always-
never will you blame or bring another to
shame, as deserving as they may be of it.
As deserving as I especially may be.

Your sweet essence cleanses mine,
I feel unworthy of your care, and
overwhelmed by your optimism.
How much I wish I could stay pure as you.
You personify the metaphorical angel
of dreams- belief is unnecessary for
heavenly light to shine from you.

I don't know if I'll ever repay your love
but know this- I truly apologize for what
burdens I've placed upon you- I'm learning
to carry my weight, I don't want your
perfection to break.

You ask nothing of me, but I ask it of myself.
How did I come to deserve you?

Swift attacks on ones weak points will bring them to their knees in an instant.
Delayed blows to ones high points will slowly cause one to shrink smaller than ever thought possible.

You may be able to get up off your knees, but darling growing and rebuilding is near impossible when you don't know where to begin.

Endless and intangible,
yet the only reality that makes sense.

Stop.
Shhhhhhh.

Listen.
To the roaring in your head.

Notice the chill.
The chill that comes with realizing how long it has been
since you stopped.

Do you remember?
When you were alone in the midst of society?
When you took a moment to listen to yourself?
When you gave in to the roaring behind your ears?

Sometimes all you need to do is
stop.

enlightened persons
drift like the wayward souls
knowing what others cannot fathom
living in a realm unlike all else
finding no one
and needing nothing
for what they've come to know now
supplements them
in ways that our forlorn talks
of ideals and perfections can not

Never will it be said
That she was a genius.
Never will it be said
That she was talented.
Never will it be said
That she spoke kindly.
Never will it be said
That she was beautiful.
Never will it be said
That she carried value.

What will be said
Is that she was normal.
That she was average.
That she was capable
of ******* everything up.
That she didn't try enough,
didn't achieve enough,
didn't listen to what
would have saved her soul.
What will be said
Is that she wasn't terrible,
just mean.
Is that she wasn't stupid,
just dumb.
Is that she wasn't a gem,
just a pebble.

Scuffed soul,
scuffed body.
Imperfections layered
to cover the disappointments
of never being
anything
of worth.

Explain to me this
Why does the world say that love is the best feeling?
When all I feel is cold
Empty words from empty people
****** words tumbling from my mouth
Masking the ****** up feelings inside
The tough face I put on melting for moments
Before I realize that those moments of weakness
Ruin my chances to live
Because being numb is better than being vulnerable

Explain to me this
Why does everyone say it's okay to take a chance?
That it'll be worth it to say what I feel?
When all that leaves is ****** souls
and broken hearts. Jagged words pierce
skin, leave blood on my fingers.
Whose blood is it?
Because what hurts even more than rejection
is being rejected by someone you had a chance with.
Not even rejected actually-
But completely sidelined by.

Explain to me this
Why can't I have a life of friendships?
Why do I have to live through others,
Without seeing anything for myself?
Learning and yearning
Wishing for something different
Hoping for someone to save me.

I sit
Listening to the
accusations.
Letting it all wash over me

"Why couldn't you be perfect?"
"Why can't you turn back time?"
"Why did you have to ruin everything?"
"Why didn't you think everything was fine?"

I seethe
Listening to the
advice.
Letting it all sink in

"Don't do it again."
"Just listen to me."
"Repent for your sins."
"Obedience is key."

Nothing is clear
Was I wrong?
Was I right?
I've got my life to fear

Everyone thinks they're right
Everyone thinks I'm wrong
Everyone's got an opinion
But nobody's got an answer

I sit
and
I seethe

If only I could
drop everything
and walk away

I'd never look back.
Not once.

But I can't
Because
I'm weak
and so
I sit
and
I seethe

Repent?
Obey?
Give in to the wise
& win the ultimate prize.

The problem is
I don't think
I want the prize

I never did.

Please stop
I give in, time after time
Promises to myself
Promises to my faith
Broken- shattered so easily. Too easily.
Fragmented pieces flying
Embedding themselves within my soul
Like the pain a newborn feels from a splinter
Like the ache an arthritic man feels as he ages
Like the sting a toddler feels from a bee
Seemingly insignificant
Yet so terrifyingly huge
You keep coming back
I need you to stop

Stop
Please please please
I can't handle
You.
You're everywhere
You're smothering me
Please leave

Gone.
You left.
Why did you leave
the flames?
Dancing flames
Stop
You're mocking me
Stop
I'm burning
Stop
I'm losing everything
Stop
The flame are everywhere
Stop
Don't leave me
Please

Please
Please please please
Come back
I was wrong
Please please please
Don't go
Wait
I didn't mean it

****
****
you.
YOU.
****
me.

I lose my focus
Get lost in thoughts of you
Wonder how you're doing
Wish I could talk to you
Hate that it's become so much of a problem
Think of where I'd be
If I hadn't done what I did

I wish your brightness
Hadn't brought me to you
Like a moth to a flame

It was instantaneous
You filled my soul
And I drowned in the newness of it all

Other people talked to me
Other people showed me what love could be
But I never forgot you
I fell in something with the others
But I fell in love with you

The others don't know
No one knows.
You're my secret
But I don't- no. I can't
keep you anymore.

Goodbye.

There are choices
Choices to be good
to be someone who cares
Who does everything possible
to please the plethora of people
asking for your soul.
Choices to be bad
to be someone who is selfish
Who does everything possible
to please the heart that
resides within.

I hate myself
and my blandness.
I hate my hair
and my sadness.
I hate my nose
and my bruteness.
I hate my feet
and my bitterness.
I hate my legs
and my desperateness.
I hate my wrists
and my selfconsciousness.

Perfection
Beauty
Happy
Brilliance
Selfless
Excitement

Nothing.

Losing myself
In clouds of desperation
Oblivious to the hands
Reaching towards my trembling fingers
Just asking for me to try a little
Asking me to reach and reciprocate
To allow myself to be pulled to the other side
But I've made my home here
In the pits of despair
And the effort to accept the help
Seems infinite
Compared to the ease of huddling
Into the nooks of numbness

You make me sorry
for every breath I take
for the space I encompass
for my very existence
yet
I still love you.

If I tell you where my unkempt sneakers have been
will you still stay the night and caress my skin?
If I tell you what my wide brown eyes have seen
will you still want to learn about what resides between?

I know I'm not enough.
I promise, I know. So please,
I'm begging you,
stop reminding me.
I promise, I never forget.
But sometimes I get tired of
being sad, being upset.
I start to hold myself higher,
I let myself get past that roadblock.
But then you drop it suddenly atop me,
and I'm left further down the track than
I ever was before.
I know I'm not enough.
How many times will you remind me?

Everyone cares about their
image;
Self portrayal to those
unknown.

My life
is made up of
interesting lives.
People that seem
to always be in
motion, doing
and experiencing life
and all that it offers.
I merely sit and observe
from behind the railings,
Yearning to join in,
But having not the courage
That would be needed to
Step away from my life
Into the one I wish I had.

I don't consent,
I won't consent.
I know I said it was okay,
that I wanted to see where this would go.
I know I said that I was chill,
that I was ready, that there was no need to go slow.
But now I'm saying
Stop.
I'm saying I don't want it, want you, want this-
even if that makes me some sort of priss.
I'm saying step off,
and don't come back.
I'm not asking for a break,
you can't make up for what you lack.
I know I said I'd be down,
that I would be willing to try-
but boy, that's before I found my crown,
before I realized that it wasn't normal, how much you make me cry.
I won't tolerate any more teardrops, not in my sky.
So leave. Now.
Please.
Goodbye.

Sometimes I feel like the moon wouldn't shine so bright without your eyes being my lens to the world.
Other times I feel like the ground would stop swallowing me up in its earthy embrace if my mouth wasn't mistaken for yours as it taunts all that it can.

It doesn't seem like much
At least not at first
Just light little lines
Appearing so quickly
Seeming so innocent

But then the blood rushes up
And fills in the careful lines
Steadily in the beginning
But then you realize
That its not going to stop

Now they resemble smudges
A bit like a child's finger painting
Messy and uncontrolled
Varying shades of life's juice
Creating an unknown picture

Cool water pours down
Everything drips
Pink stains appear
But at last the blood runs out
Taking with it more than you know

I cleared you of your sins,
took them as my own.
I'd say yes when I
should've said no.
I begged for attention,
cried when it burned me.
I pried where I shouldn't have,
lost myself when the secrets swallowed me.

I listened without listening,
letting his words wash over me.
Yes, he was saying something
important, I'm sure-
But his animated actions and
quirky faces held my attention
in the way no words could.

I'll never be rid of the taint of ****. No matter how well I pretend, my nights are not my own. They forever belong to the shadows, to rough hands and blank eyes.

What karma did a child accumulate to be punished for such a lifetime?

Your hidden thoughts are not so hidden.
Reeking from every look you throw my way
Seeping through every word you boldly say
Creeping from your aura and penetrating mine

**How Could I Not Feel Worthless?

ride out into empty highways,
headlights off, windows down

let the eternity contained in the heavens
guide your way-
trace the footsteps of millennia

paint your life outside the lines,
let chasms overfill with your blood
before you give in