i thought that if i left it
in the yesteryear
i might finally get to sleep

you can’t leave a heavy it
on the stoop of a goodbye
and expect the door to contain its grisliness

like a puppy
it chased me
and clung to my leg
like a three year old

but those things are light
and my it dragged me down like quicksand
like a lover
begging me to come back to bed

just ten more minutes
of mind numbing pain
masked in silent nights
and silent cries

i’m such a fool

to think i could leave my it
when i hadn’t said goodbye.

-z.z

what happens when i no longer like your pink, sweet, version of me you’ve curated?
what would happen if i erased all colour completely?

no, i’m not talking about choosing blue over pink or yellow or green
“gender neutral” clothing isn’t any shade on the colour wheel

i’m talking about if i never associated the colour pink with femininity
and blue with masculinity

and yellow and green with “gender neutrality”

what if my life was just void of colour?

like if i were to say i didn’t feel like a girl nor a boy
nor the brief possibility of both

i just feel
like that grey space in between the most diluted shades on the colour wheel

would you still force me to call myself “daughter”?

i am apathetic.
which is funny, for an empath
to go from feeling too much
to feeling nothing
what stress caused the strings to break within me?
what bitterness and hatred caused a sudden lack of feeling?
oh
chronic depression
you’re back.
****.
-rgp

if you’ve ever gone through withdrawal,
you know that the awful part is not in the obvious shakes and pains
but in the facts that state how it was so that you got to this point
and the fact that your once saviour can’t save you anymore

the awful part is in the shame that follows—-
don’t ******* shame me for medicating my mind
or making decisions that provide me some temporary bliss,
some temporary ease,
some temporary it-doesn’t-*******-hurt-so-much
i know what i “got myself into”
i also “got myself out”
and i’d willingly go back

it’s silent at night
and then it’s not
it’s like someone is having a house party two feet away and the thermostat has been repossessed by a pixie and one second you’re fine but then the next it feels like you are quite literally shedding your skin

but that’s not the awful part.

you’re right in that the come down is just absolutely awful
but if i had the chance to do it over,
i’d still pick this.

-rgp

here’s a lie to keep you living
a veil of truth to shade your eyes
what searing pains your body has endured
are illusions from your mind

it’s nothing big, it’ll be alright
you shout above the cacophony upstairs
my monsters have just come out to play
they do that, you know, in my nightmares

we dance an endless waltz with darkness
and convince ourselves we’re fine
so what if we haven’t seen the sun in months
we’re alive, we swear, we’re not dying

but what happens when we stop showing up?
are we still here, or no?
does anybody miss us
or stop to ask “where did they go?”

will they notice the lack of color
will they miss our favorite songs?
will they wonder how we lived
with all of this darkness for so long?

nah, they won’t notice
it’s all an illusion anyway
at least that’s what the doctor said
that, and $150 for your stay

-rgp

i was planted in rocky soil
and raised by lies
i found a saviour in alternative music
and a god i could relate to in poetry

i don’t remember when
the world spun upside down
but i’ve been walking backwards on the celling ever since

the sun doesn’t rise here
it only sets
and when the stars come out to play
i like that i’m staring into the eyes of death

i guess my head was never ******* on right
maybe that’s the point
i hardly ever know what i’m doing
but **** that

-rgp

i am not bitter
i’m tired
of seeing headlines flood my timelines
worded similarly with a name substituted in as allegations break

i am not privileged
to be tired of seeing headlines flood my timelines
worded by way of another celebrity letting us down

i do not ignore
the bile headlines that sneak their way into my timelines
how can i?
but i am tired
of feeling let down

i am not blind
to the immense pain caused by a scream, silenced
but i am tired
of seeing the duct tape over her mouth

i wonder
if one day soon
i will no longer be bitter
or tired
of seeing headlines flood my timelines
worded by way of claiming
it was her fault

-rgp