I know I shouldn't turn to you for anything,
but my dear I need to ask these of you.
You are a garden.
Please, please
Don’t liter it with self doubt and cigarettes.
Do these things for yourself, at my request.
Do not settle for someone who doesn't deserve you.
Love yourself, first.
Love whole heartedly.
Remember how much you matter.
Realize how loved you are.
Recognize your brilliant mind.
Use it and go to school.
Learn, learn, learn.
Be brave no matter how scary it is.
Don’t lose faith in people.
Learn to distance yourself.
Learn to grow toward something.
Eat a vegetable once in a while.
Hydration is key.
Develop a healthy sleeping pattern.
Learn to talk to others about your problems.
Don’t bottle everything up.
Learn to ask for and accept help when you need it.
Don’t be reckless.
Think before you act.
Think before you speak.
Don’t brood.
Count the stars when you get sad.
Take time to center yourself.
Learn to accept when you're wrong.
Take pride in your accomplishments
even if no one tells you how proud they are,
remember I am always proud of you
even from 2000 miles away.
Get as far away from the toxic place you call home as possible.
Avoid confrontations.
Don’t ever drink and drive.
Eat less fast food.
Give your all into everything you do.
Take every failure as a lesson to do better in the future,
Don’t ever get into hard drugs.
Spend time outside.
Travel.
Stop being so picky with your food.
Try new things.
Respect your mother.
Forgive your father.
Forgive yourself.
Forgive me for leaving you there.
Please as an old lover and a friend I beg these of you.
I never meant to leave you there.
I am so sorry.
I love you so much, still.
I never meant to leave you like that.
Please forgive me.
Please love yourself.
Please love again.
Please move on from me with ease.
I am having a more difficult time doing that even though
I was the one who ran away from it all.
Please be brave for me.

I haven't written in a while.
I feel thrown off.
I'm in this mode where my ability to
write how I feel
has been cast off.
My mind is filled with Manson playing
in the background of this coffee shop
in my new city of Austin.
And all I can write about is how
I can't write.

Sometimes it's not always morbid.
Sometimes I write when I'm happy.
Sometimes things make me feel good enough to write about them.
Those times are rare,
and right now is not one of them.

you make me need to write

and here i am again
at the intersection
of pedestrian language
& old wives tales
swallowing gum
like 7 year memories
opening umbrellas inside
cause i can't seem get away
from all of this rain
i ******* with my left hand
cause i was told
back in highschool that
"it feels like someone else is doing it"
it gets me wondering
about the difference between
losing you and finding out
that some one else found you
or my sleep
or lack thereof
its starting to tear me apart
i keep having this dream
where you are in
an unfamiliar body of water
trying to wash my poetry
off of your hands
or the one where
something happens in my chest
every time you sit
on someone else's bed
i'm tired of feeling like something you've misplaced
but don't have the heart
to look for anymore
tired of you saying my name
like you're trying to bury it
i'm tired of wondering
if you can tell the difference
between the absence
of my voice & silence
the other day
i almost started sobbing
at work when a woman
asked me about
our equipment
i was explaining how
things come apart
and almost mentioned your name
it made me think
of how you used to say
things like "what would you do
if i showed up on your doorstep
one day?" now, i haunt
the windows in my house
i don't leave for weeks at a time
i sit on the porch like the dog
you didn't shoot behind the shed
the one that refuses to die
until you come home again
i told somebody once, that
you didn't even know
what my voicemail sounded like
i wonder if they thought
it was because you
are so important that i never
let it ring that many times
before picking up
or if you dont know
what it sounds like
because you've never called
you can't be the ****** weapon
and the search party
i'm tired of all the seats
to the ferris wheel in my chest
being empty
tired of your voice
being the one i look for
in abandoned places
that one sound i beg
to bounce back
down vacant hallways
i just seem to stand there
in all of that quiet
like someone looking for a mistake
on an eviction notice
so i guess the hardest part
isn't letting go
it's forgetting
you ever had a grip
in the first place
and since you've been gone
i wonder if when
you pushed yourself away from me
you used your left hand
so it felt like someone else did it

how did i think i would feel about it?
maybe i just didnt expect you
to tell me so soon because im
still not fully okay but your
moving on much quicker
then you said you
were going to..

It took me nearly 8 months.

8 months down the drain
all because i couldn't see
that you didn't really love me.
you used me and
you lied to me and
you put me down and
you made me feel insignificant.
you told me you loved me
and at first
i made you more nervous than anyone ever has.
you made me feel like i meant something to someone.
you made me believe
i wasn't by myself in this world.
all the while,
when i was with you
i never felt more alone.
you never cared about me
or what i had to say
or how i felt or what my plans were
or what i wanted to do
or where i wanted to go.
these past 8 months I've followed you around
like you were the most important person,
because to me you were/are.
we always went where you wanted to go
and did what you wanted to do
and you always had some kind of complaint or argument.
i don't remember a day  
i didn't get an attitude from you
or something wasn't my fault
when i was only giving you a solution.

8 months of this before i realized you were a liar.
you never loved me.
you told me once
that loving someone and being in love with them
was the same to you.
you never loved me at all.


i'm moving half way across the country
in 6 days.
and you blew me off yesterday.
and i haven't seen you in 3 days, as is.
and i'm not going to see you again for a long time
and you told me you didn't want to lose me, even after i leave.



you're losing me.