god ****** she misses you

and god ****** i miss you

and im sorry, god, for swearing but i have run out of ideas on how to make this no good shapeshifting warm handed boy notice me remember when he said i love you

this is not a goodbye you don't deserve one this is not a plea for help see previous poems, twitter, my wrists, etc this is not a romanticization of your destructive ways and i no longer hear birds sing when you torch cities and i can't bring myself to see the love in your inferno so what the hell do i have left to say to you

i once wrote that you left love letters on my tongue and that you made drowning fun but i have come to the conclusion that those are both in fact lies and that the only thing you left on my tongue is the bitter taste of your name and beer and that drowning is ******* terrible and so are you

i remind myself everyday that you must have been a good person somewhere along the way and that there must have been some point where you actually did miss the feeling of my skin and that i was the only one you cared for- but i must also remember the day you filled my vacancy and turned on the lights and i still see you in the smiling pictures hung on the walls like your head in the hall whenever i pass by and i remember the day you moved out and on to nicer things and to this day you have succeeded in making the whole thing feel like an eviction, like it was me that wanted you gone and my peeling wallpaper has since revealed that the only thing holding me together was you

funny how every part of this poem ends with you and funny how every thought these days ends with you

and it's funny how when things ended with you you were the only one laughing

this is not a cry or a plea or an appology

this is a eulogy from me to you and i will not waste any more metaphors or adjectives or nights where i should be fast asleep on your whirlpool eyes and twisted smile

you once said, at 3 am, "you know when you're as close to loving someone as physically possible without actually saying it?" and i replied with "yes" and i love you i love you i love you

i hope flowers grow from your rotting heart and i hope you wake up some life and feel just a hint of remorse as you look into her eyes

i'm not a poet and you're not a nice boy and there was a time when i would devote my life to writing about the way you touched my cheek and you would devote your life to exploring the small of my back

that life has ended and i hope she holds you close enough at night

(my own hands will find comfort in the folds you left unnoticed and i will let myself hear the whispers of flattery upon every surface i touch. i will love myself and i will learn to not love you and i will find someone that i can love without pushing myself aside)

To the girl who stays home
from school because shes too depressed to get out.
I love you.

To the girl who stands infront of the mirror crying
unable to fight the tears
That criticizes every inch
I love you.

To the girl ,that can't keep her dinner down
Because shes lost only two pounds
I love you.

To the girl who cries on the cold tile of her bathroom floor
With a ****** razor in her hand.
I love you .


To the girl who wears long sleeve shirt in August
To hide all the scars which memory leaves
I love you.

To the girl who pops a handful of pills in her mouth
Just to feel normal. I love you.

To the girl who watches the one person she loves
Love someone else,I love you.

To the girl who has a family which reminds her she is not
good enough.
I love you.

To the girl,who gets critiscim for being just who she is,
I love you.

.
                                Hot Hot
                            Hot Hot Hot
                           Hot  Hot  Hot
                            Hot Hot Hot
                            Hot Hot Hot
                            Hot Hot Hot
                            Hot Hot Hot
                            Hot Hot Hot
                            Hot Hot Hot
                            Hot Hot Hot
                            Hot Hot Hot
                            Hot Hot Hot
                            Hot Hot Hot
                            Hot Hot Hot
                            Hot Hot Hot
               Hot  Hot  Hot     Hot  Hot  Hot
            Hot Hot Hot **   Hot Hot Hot **  
               Hot Hot Hot         Hot Hot Hot
                    Hot Hot                 Hot Hot

The only way I have left to describe how I'm feeling is gray. Empty and gray and like I'm not anything at all, because in all reality, I'm not. Someday, I will be dead, and this will be all that's left, these words right here. I'll be words on a screen on a website.

One, two, three
He walks in
Like a burning rose with
Icy flames
Making my head burns
And freezes my eyes
Looking at him.

Four, five, six
He caught my staring
And smiles sweetly
His voice trembles, saying
"Hello, what's up?"

Seven, eight, nine
I hold my breath as hard as I can
Wanting to scream
On how much he made me feel
Of a single hello
Could made me think of nothing
But making him my
Golden cage.

Ten.
He claps his hands
And walks away
And talks about
How my eyes froze
At him.
Looking
At
Him.