Currently
drinking
in my childhood memories
Oh, sorry! I’m intoxicated.

thinking in quiet
at the end of a busy day
about what you have actually done
can yield sobering results

Dandelion seed parachutes
Fly up to castles in the sky
Little child’s eyes open wide
Weightless little puffs float
Fearlessly holding all hopes
High, to castles in the clouds.

Life was a drug. I'm smoking what could of been. Inhaling the thought of freedom and where I should be. Embracing the sadness of withdrawing and going back to where I started.

broken conversation
awkward and too overly formal for both our tastes
I tried to hide my anger and pain behind politeness
feigned interest about your day and life
when really the only thing I wanted to know was how you were doing without me
you expected to do better without me
I dont think you're doing better without me
I won't say it though,
trying to give you some semblance of pride in the mess you created
in our short conversation I tried to make you feel something again for me
not love, no--
maybe something along the lines of regret and jealousy
I am doing better
I am doing fine without you
My world is moving on just like how you said yours would
I think your world is moving too
only yours is in a slow reverse
and mine is in a steady, forward pace

It should have been easy
I shouldnt have had that unsettled feeling in my stomach when kissing you
And honestly I really don't
But the thought of anything else makes me uneasy
I'm attracted to you
I'm comfortable with you
So why can't I make myself go further?
I thought it was just that I hadnt found the right person
Or maybe we just hadn't been together long enough
Or that my religious upbringing caused me to have an avoidance to ***
Some psychological training in the back of my mind telling me I would be shunned from God
I never understood cheaters
How *** could be so tempting
How anyone could get addicted to it
How random hook-ups and one night stands were the norm in our world
I am out of place here
It's not like I dont want to have that connection
I just don't feel the drive
Then I thought it was my medication
But I realized long before the chemistry in my brain was artificial that I wasn't intrested in the ****** acts most people were
And to be honest even when I am in the act, I dont really have a drive
Never felt the need to ******
Always focused on satisfying the other partner
Because this was a relationship and it's what I'm supposed to give and I dont want to keep that from them
It causes strain in them
Causes a distance that I dont feel is there
For a long time I thought I was broken
Now I know for sure that I am
But I want you to feel secure,
So I'll fake it again and again
Let you do to me what I have no interest in
Maybe this time will be different.