I float
Between destinations
My physical body
Worn down and aching
My spiritual side nonexistent
I fear they’ve crossed over
And have left me here
An empty bag of bones
Arriving at your door.

For a long time I took refuge in you
Nothing mattered except my tear stained cheeks
And heart palpitations from grief
The throw up bottle in my car
For when my stomach wanted to be as empty as my arms.
The brands on my legs to stop keep myself from crying.
Now I choose me.
And whoever I am with you
Bringing melancholy to my every step.
Let your reach spread into my new memories
Paint a world showing the impossible pursuit of happiness.
I will not fight you off.
I will be your comforting friend.
The hug the others refuse to give you.
Come sadness.
Let us take steps forward.
Afraid and sad.
Together.

Like my pair of safety scissors
I leave the mesh on my window intact
My outlets remain hidden in their covers
My keys tucked away in a different drawer each day.
The pills down the toilet drain only to be bought over and over again.
The razors tossed out after a longing caress
My weighted blanket anchoring me to my bed
Pulling all the stops to keep my mind from repeating “I’d be better off dead”.

Dear Mia,

I don’t know where I’d be without you. Perhaps a thousand more scars would line my thighs and decorate my arms. You gave me something to distract myself with when I thought a blade was the only way to punish myself.

Mia, oh how you came to me at dinner every night like a reliable friend. Reminding me to take sips between bites and chew my food to oblivion. Instructing me like a caring guide on all the right positions to make me sick faster and get everything out. You’d make sure I mouthwashed every night and knew I slept better with the ache of an empty stomach.

But you also left my knuckles raw from the scraping of my teeth. And when I rid of my stomachs contents the headaches I’d get were immensely painful. My heartbeat so fast I couldn’t move for fear of fainting. Constantly checking my breath for halitosis and the fear of eating in public. My family should hire me instead of a plumber having to clean out drains so often when I felt more deserving than the porcelain toilet bowl.

You took a lot out of me Mia. You’re absolutely no good for the dreams my heart holds anymore. And although your shadow will always flicker during meals, I won’t let you be a solid spirit in my life.

-Goodbye✌
P. S. Tell Ana she’s next