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Sep 6 · 41
a glimpse
SMS Sep 6
Boring was never a word to describe her
She was unique and exotic
Hair falling below her *******
Bangs tickling the freckles dotting the bridge of her nose
Her eyelashes swooped outward
Trapping anyone brave enough to meet her heated gaze
Her shoulders draped in the softest of silk
Blouse pulled taught and fitted into her belt.
Top button undone leaving the smallest sliver of skin begging to be touched.
Her hips swayed to the beat of her slacks
Making swishing noises as her thighs
Soft and plump rubbed the pant seams
stepping on her tippy toes to avoid the clickety clacks usually emitted from her signature well worn combat boots
She was far from boring
Jan 10 · 40
little fighter
SMS Jan 10
What is sleep I ponder
Flashes of your small body collapsing in my hands
Your exhausted trusting heartbeat fading under my touch
Feeling the last sigh of your tired soul
As the suffering came to an end
As you got a token of peace from the pain
I’m a monster a selfish monster to only think of how sad I am about it
When you are at ease
I’m sorry
I hope we did enough
I hope it wasn’t my fault
I’m sorry
Dec 2021 · 467
I wish I could wake you
SMS Dec 2021
Rouse you from your slumber
Feel your tight embrace
Soothe the worry from my brow
Instead the knots are twisting
The uneasy shadows nearing
All alone. Deep in thought. Turmoil.
Aug 2021 · 529
my tires are insured
SMS Aug 2021
There it goes again
The never ending potholes
My mind keeps falling into
I guess the same way I drive
Reckless and fast hoping
Everything turns out okay
Falling into every dip and pit
Just barely making it out

The cogs in my brain need tuning
The nerves need repair
My body needs a new engine
I’m just hanging in there
My body’s cracking
The paint is peeled
I feel like there’s no salvation
No way to get it healed.

Is there a mechanic for a broken human?
SMS Jun 2021
I’ve never been a destination
More like the interesting statue
Your mind stumbled upon on accident
Leaned on for a moment
And continued on its way.

So every day I wake up and you
You my darling my precious my soul
Are still holding my hand
Still brushing the hair from my face
I’ll lie awake at night confused
Too scared to sink into your arms
Because it’s not possible
For you to chose me
As your home
Is it?
SMS Feb 2021
Because I swear I miss the way your arms felt around me
I miss the way your smile grew after you saw mine
I miss the way you dressed me up and made my hair
I miss you , your presence just in spirit
A ghost from the afterlife
I miss you
But I don’t even know what I miss.
SMS Jan 2021
Every night I can’t help but lay awake
Replaying your voice and laughter in my mind
Trying to guess the moment
The world assigned you as my soul mate
Trying to piece together what stupid **** you must have done
To be punished with such a foul handful.
Trying to remember if I helped an old woman cross the street or something equally as cheesy to be so blessed
You are my heart my soul
The breath of air that hits my face when I lower the windows .
Something you hate but something I cannot live without.
The outdoor air fuels my lungs the way you ignite my will to live and love.
You,my beautiful moonlighted man,
Are what I long for
For in your arms
I am home.
SMS Nov 2020
No one talks about the left over baby food
All the toys littering the floor
The lingering smell that covers the room
Or the simple sorrow hanging in the air.

when a baby dies
all you can do is hold their hand
kiss their soft heads
and whisper how proud you are
That they’ve come this far
That they fought so hard
all you can do is pretend to be strong

But once your baby’s heartbeat fades
And the nurses give you a moment alone
Your hands feel cold
Your legs shake without purpose
And your heart aches

The nursery door stays shut at home
The toys placed softly on the un-used bed
And every time you pass
You creak the door open
And the sweet smell of your angel
Continues to tear you apart.
Nov 2020 · 268
my home
SMS Nov 2020
When the sun gets low
And the moon is just a glance away
I lay in silence, breath held. Counting.
Always counting.
Watching the rise and fall of your beloved chest and the flutter of your eyelids
As sleep brushes it’s spell upon you.
I burn holes in the carpet
Awaiting the blissful sunrise
Just counting your soft snores and small inhales.
I feel the gusts of air fill your lungs
And weep at the chance they may stop one day
So I pace and watch until the morning light
Filters through the window
Dancing angelically on your brow
Settling in bed I wipe my tears
And as I succumb to slumbers sweet spell
I’m thankful
Another night safe
Another night you’re mine.
Sep 2020 · 98
is this love? #68
SMS Sep 2020
~
Fires burning bright
Or the cold biting hard
You, by will alone,
Can always be safe and home.
~
SMS Jul 2020
If I could cut I wouldn’t forget
The little way you like things.
You see that’s how I programmed myself
To carve all the important details
I’d write “Die” so I could remember
I was only living until I had a chance
To achieve my ultimate goal.
I’d write “worthless”so I could remember
All the times I was a selfish *****
Who didn’t deserve to want things
I’d write “Please” so I could remember
All my nights begging for an end
Or even just relief on my cold closet floor
But you see those scars are fading
So I’m beginning to forget
And I can’t carve new ones
I’m sorry. So sorry. My memory slips.
May 2020 · 122
8 months in
SMS May 2020
Filling my ******* brain with praise
Hoping i won’t break down from stress
It’s hurts. I hurt.
As if kind words can make up for all the rest.

    yelling
                     screaming
                                         insults
                                                     sorry
                                            the
                           pain
               hurts
  me

Sorry
It hurts me so much greater than
Those few kind words
my boss is bipolar. It actually doesn’t hurt but like shes still annoying
Mar 2020 · 141
night owls
SMS Mar 2020
When did the ocean between us span across planets
No longer limiting us just on Earth.  
Who cut the strings that ran between our plastic cups
Cutting off our eager communication
What happened to the trills of laughter
Echoing off mountains bothering the moon at night.
Where? I ask of you. Where did you go?
Stretching my boundaries and whispering a “why?”
SMS Feb 2020
I wanted to write to myself
A love poem I’d want to receive
I thought for awhile that I could do it
That somehow I could look at myself as someone worth writing about.
That somehow I could find something beautiful about myself
That somehow I could love this *******
If I wasn’t her.

But no of course
There’s no love to give

So I’ll continue pretending
That somehow I can find one thing to love
And that somehow one day I’ll write to myself
A love letter

A letter about how strong she was
How brave how bold
How important and beautiful
About the way her laugh
Leaves you breathless and in awe

I’ll write that letter the day those become true.
and she’s something worth looking at twice.
Feb 2020 · 307
die for me-for you-for us
SMS Feb 2020
The words straight from my heart
Uttered with hatred in his mouth.
What’s stopping you? he would say
I can help you if you need it
Drive you to the highest cliff
Give you the sharpest blade
Just do me one favor
Make my life easier
The sooner the better.
Oct 2019 · 184
not Willing
SMS Oct 2019
Sometimes I go to bed
With so much pain
And I worry I won’t wake up
Won’t be able to hear your voice.
How can I let my eyes close
If there’s a chance I’ll miss out
On more days of us
SMS Oct 2019
Quick brisk hugs
And empty coffee mugs
Our mornings are like nothing before.

Cheek kisses
And no dinner dishes
Our nights are like nothing before.

Simply two souls entwined, so they won’t
Have to ever be alone
Our love is like nothing before
Oct 2019 · 830
fun times :/
SMS Oct 2019
Almost there- but I can’t
wrap my tiny fingers
Around the top of my arm
Maybe in a week or so
Then come the thighs

Almost there- but I can’t
Wrap my two tiny hands
Around the top of my thighs
Maybe in a week or so
Then comes the waist

Sorry sorry Ana I know I’m slow
but I’ll get there
I’ll get there again
And again.
Cinching my hands smaller
Each time
Until I’m as small as my worth
Only way to be happy
Sep 2019 · 248
soft snores
SMS Sep 2019
I wonder how the universe decided
to put this beautiful human being
As the person I sleep with every night
What was done for this reward,
is way beyond me,
All I can do is say thank you
SMS Aug 2019

Excitement,
The type that thrums
Through the bodies
Of puppies and children
Is coursing through my body
Just think,
Tomorrow I’ll be in your arms
And my face buried in your neck
Shaking and wriggling from joy
Euphoria will take a new meaning.
Aug 2019 · 548
the smell of tobacco
SMS Aug 2019
I just want to be on someones porch
In a creaky rocking chair
Swinging back and forth with smoke
Escaping from my chapped lips
Aug 2019 · 410
why i cut #4
SMS Aug 2019
Cutters aren’t weak
They’re the cream of the crop
Nothing can get you down
You’re already keeping yourself there.
When you cut, the emotions die
There’s no need to laugh or cry
Not a single thing matters
It’s better that way sometimes
To feel nothing at all
Past tense title.
Perhaps I should say used to
Aug 2019 · 477
burnt out sizzling feelings
SMS Aug 2019
You didn’t realize
All the blinds were shut
For once I didn’t care
If you came back or not

You didn’t realize
All the lights were off
For once I didn’t care
If you tripped or not

You didn’t realize
All the pillows were damp
For once i didn’t care
If you knew I was crying or not

But perhaps you didn’t realize
Because you no longer care either
Aug 2019 · 452
willpower
SMS Aug 2019
Death is sitting in my corner
Exhaustion blurring my vision
My heart unable to find rythm
And my soul not ready to go

Fight all of it little warrior
It's the times you stare down at him
And confidently say you're not ready to go
That keeps you alive and breathing,
While your heart is barely beating.

This life won't slip away that easy
Aug 2019 · 185
fearing abandonment
SMS Aug 2019
And every morning of the summer
I would sit cross-legged
Face pressed against the windows glass
Waiting. Just waiting,
For my baba to come home.
Crying for hours on end
While he worked so far away.
And at 4 pm everyday,
His car would roll into the driveway
And everything was okay again
Because my baba came home.
Aug 2019 · 241
wrong avenues
SMS Aug 2019
You wouldn’t go to a phlebotomist
For a complex heart surgery
So why do you rely on yourself
To make you okay again?
Aug 2019 · 104
bile sticks to me
SMS Aug 2019
And that shard of glass
From that orange mug
That used to hold the hot cocoa
Of a toothy grinned girl.
Waits to be stepped on.
Helplessly laying broken  
Thrown against the floor
Shattered with hatred
No longer smelling homely.
Jul 2019 · 103
yours
SMS Jul 2019
I’m so sorry I had to go
It hurts. It hurts so bad
Leaving you isn’t easy
Even though i’ll be back.
Please remember I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
And I’ll be home, in your arms,
Soon again.
Jul 2019 · 171
streamline
SMS Jul 2019
Clenching her eyes tightly shut
Tears continued to flow.
Heartache is the hardest pain to soothe
Especially on your own.
Jul 2019 · 150
the sore thumb
SMS Jul 2019
And I’m not sure what we’re doing
Someone’s the tag along, the third wheel
The unnecessary, and I’m sure I’m just that
Are these moments hers, stolen by my presence
Am I supposed to stay quiet
Let the magic happen
Let you two fall in love
With all your memories
Tainted by my shadow?
SMS Jul 2019
walking around the isles of the corner store,
watermarks visible everywhere my feet take root,
lost, i start to find puddles i left behind,
the cashier glances three times over, concerned.

i trip, as i try to find the exit sign
sweat pooling, joining the puddles in an effort to drown me,
i pull out, crawling through sliding doors that have the decency to open for me, asphalt burning my palms as i get out, rocks scraping my knees.

the florist outside picks me up
with smiles and a bouquet of flowers,
unsure of what to say i duck my nose into their wiry stems,
just to find out, that the flowers are fake,
the smiles abundant of insincerity,

her kindness as meaningless
as the cashiers concern,
And once again,
I'm drowning.
Collabs give me so much stress. But as my man says, it’s the writing with him that I loved, not just the result. Thank you <3
Check out his poems!!
https://hellopoetry.com/JustBlankPages/
Jul 2019 · 231
your shirt smells like home
SMS Jul 2019
And in your shirt
I’ve cocooned myself
Built a catacomb to suffocate in
Drawing in your scent
Feeling it penetrate my lungs
Hoping it’ll convince my heart
To not burst out of my chest
So desperate to find you again.
Jul 2019 · 284
Buzzkill
SMS Jul 2019
Pack me in a box
Fill it up with rocks
Ship me to the sea
And please just let me be.
Sorry
Jul 2019 · 171
if only the sun never set
SMS Jul 2019
These nights rip off the calendar
In ever so slow torture
Leaving my mind swirling in madness
Desperate to take time in my hands
To speed up the world just a notch

Truth is: I’m tired and don’t need the nights
They aren’t bringing me peace
The shadows keep grabbing at me
The roof keeps caving in  
My hands restlessly punch the walls.
Spirit begging to be set free
Anxiety resides in my pillows
And my blankets suffocate my will to live
Instead of feathers my mattress
sinks me into a bit of despair.

Yes, you see, the nights bring me no peace
Jul 2019 · 166
freaking both leave
SMS Jul 2019
He left and I could finally breathe
But like the angel she is
She brought him back.
And once again I’m at a loss of air.
Jun 2019 · 794
twisted bedsheets
SMS Jun 2019
What are you supposed to do
When it’s 4 am and you can’t sleep
This isn’t home, nothing feels safe
Because his arms aren’t around you.
Jun 2019 · 547
flowing need
SMS Jun 2019
I told myself I was different
I didn’t excessively bleed
No one could see anything
I was doing just fine.
To me cutting became expected.
For others it wasn’t okay, but for me?
Just a daily routine
As normal as brushing my teeth.
Habits
Jun 2019 · 395
is this love? #67
SMS Jun 2019
~
Yes I am always desperate for your love, because it seems I only get the leftover scraps
~
Jun 2019 · 110
✧ An escapee ✧
SMS Jun 2019
✧                     ✧                       ✧           ✧  
         ✧                      ✧                    ✧
   ✧              If the man in the moon          ✧
              ✧                                  ­              ✧        
      ✧        Snitched on shooting stars       ✧

✧    How would I have ever found you?
       ✧                     ✧                       ✧           ✧  
         ✧                      ✧                    ✧
-Thank you Mr. Shiny Orb Of Cheese
Jun 2019 · 392
is this love? #66
SMS Jun 2019
~
Your lips paused, pursed and plump
Eyes on the road, heart on fire with mine
As I leaned over the armrest
One. Two. Three.
Little soft caresses
And your hand on my knee
~
Jun 2019 · 329
is this love? #65
SMS Jun 2019
~
When you are in the eye of the storm,
Know I will fight with everything
To be right there with you
~
May 2019 · 175
is this love? #64
SMS May 2019
~
Oh god the butterflies
I can feel their wings
Fluttering up a storm
~
Count: 11 hours, 9 minutes, and 22 seconds
May 2019 · 644
Umbrella
SMS May 2019
When I say I miss you
I really mean that my hand
is missing yours
My arms are no longer satisfied
just hanging at my sides

When I say I miss you
I really mean that I can still hear your laugh
echoing in my ears from yesterday night.
They are yearning to be blessed
by that lighthearted music once again.

When I say I miss you
I really mean I will do anything
to taste your light.
The way small plants grow
in between cement cracks thirsty for the sun.

When I say I miss you
I really mean you have taken over my senses.
I can only hear your laughter.
Taste your salty morning coffee.
Smell your heady comfort.
See the universe in your eyes.
Feel your heartbeat against my cheek.

When I say I miss you
I really mean to say so much more.
But I choke on my need for you
And let out only these three measly words.
Count: 4 days
May 2019 · 152
is this love? #63
SMS May 2019
~
I’m so sorry
This is the only thing I do to you
Leave you frustrated
Tired, no longer motivated.
**** the light in your voice
Estinguish the fire in your heart.
~
Count: 6 days
May 2019 · 364
is this love? #62
SMS May 2019
~
Fitful nights and unclosed eyes
Stars no longer shining as bright
im sorry
~
Count: 7 days
May 2019 · 315
is this love? #61
SMS May 2019
~
You are the reason for my smile, tears, and restless soul
~
Count: 10 days
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