People always tell me that it gets better.
They tell me to be strong.
They tell me to keep fighting.
They say how I'll be happy again one day.

But I don't believe any of it anymore.
I'm tired of trying.
I'm tired of being strong.
I'm tired of fighting.

What they don't see is my everyday life.
They don't see how hard it is for me just to get out of bed.
They don't see me crying for no reason.
They don't see me contemplating cutting myself.

They don't understand how hard life is when you're depressed.
They relate it to just being sad,
But it's not.
I'm not just sad.

I hate who I am.
I hate that I let people down.
I hate that I can't get out of bed.
I hate that I have scars on my arms.

It won't get better.
I can't handle this anymore.
I can't keep fighting for "better".

I'm sorry that I'm a wreck,
I cry for no reason at all
I talk too fast,
I can't get out of bed sometimes,
I laugh so hard at nothing.

I'm sorry that I don't even understand it,
I can't explain to you how I feel,
I feel different every week,
I can't control my emotions,
I cope by cutting my own skin.

I'm sorry that it's hard to be my friend,
I don't want to talk sometimes,
Sometimes I talk so much,
I don't want to be friends sometimes,
Sometimes I just want to be friends.

I'm sorry that I'm not like your other friends,
I don't take jokes like others,
I take things too personally,
You have to watch what you say,
I am sensitive.

I'm sorry I'm not normal,
I'm not funny,
I'm not fun to be around,
I'm not happy,
I'm not sad.

I'm sorry I don't focus on you,
I don't ask about you enough,
I don't make you feel better,
I don't talk about you long enough,
I'm selfish sometimes.

I'm sorry.

Do you ever see a picture, and it brings back tons of memories?
You see yourself there again.
Like nothing ever changed.
You remember how you felt in that exact moment.
You remember how happy you were,
how many friends you had at the time.

Do you ever hear a song, and it takes you to a certain time in your life?
You listen cloesely.
You remember how lost you felt.
You remember the people that weren't there for you, but the song was.
You flashback to the nights you spent crying listening to the song.

Do you ever see somebody's name come up and the memories just flood in?
The good times, the laughs, the hugs, the talks, the friendship.
The bad times, the crying, the fighting, the ending of a friendship.

Do you ever get a text and think "wow I'm glad I have you"?
You think how much your life has changed.
How much better things are now.
How much they have helped you.
How happy you are they stepped in.

Looking back at all of the memories, the good and bad memories, definitely don't compare to the new memories being made.
Life is worth living.

People that don't self harm
Don't seem to understand it.
But I don't expect them to.

First, it hurts, A LOT.
It hurts when you first do it
And it hurts the next day.
It hurts when your long sleeves rub against it
And it hurts when you look at what you did.

Next, cuts bleed, A LOT.
At first they don't bleed,
You start cutting deeper,
Then they bleed, a lot.
It doesn't stop bleeding.

Please don't tell me to just stop.
I can't just stop.
It's so addicting.
Even though I want to stop,
I can't.

It starts out as you control it,
But then it ends up controlling you.
You want to wear short sleeves?
Think again, you can't.
You want to go swimming with friends?
Oh yeah, they'll probably think you're crazy.

Every time you do it one more time,
It becomes more and more addicting.
Just one more you think, but no.
This is the last time, but it's not.
You can't just stop.

I don't mean to hurt the people around me.
In that moment, all I can think about is
Hurting myself.
I'm sorry for hurting everyone else
While I'm hurting myself.

I'm not sure where I went wrong.
One day we were best friends,
The next we were not.
What happened?

It was you who carried me home,
when I could not walk.
It was you who made me laugh,
when I could not smile.
It was you who stood up for me,
when I could not talk.

It was you who ****** me,
knowing I was drunk.
It was you who took advantage of me,
knowing I was in a relationship.
It was you who did not stop,
knowing I had asked you to.

You are the reason for,
the tears rolling down my face.
You are the reason for,
the cuts and scars on my arms.
You are the reason for,
all of my anxiety and trust issues.

I should hate you for all of this,
But I don't...

Depression is so much more than being sad.
Depression is feeling alone,
even when you're not.
Depression is feeling worthless,
like you can't do anything right.
Depression is feeling trapped
inside your own dark mind.

Depression is so much more than being sad.
Depression is feeling so empty
like there's nothing left inside of you.
Depression is randomly crying
for no reason at all.
Depression is waking up in the morning
and wishing you didn't.

Depression is so much more than being sad.
Depression is getting sad
about nothing at all.
Depression is when you feel so empty
you cut your own skin open-
Just to feel something.

Depression is so much more than being sad.
Depression is an illness
that is so hard to fight off.

Emptiness
That's what I feel.
It's like the world is going on
But I'm stuck in this hole.

I can't get out.
I can't breathe.
Why do I feel this way?
Empty.

It's not sadness,
It's not pain
It's nothing.
I feel nothing.

Nobody notices
Nobody asks why
Nobody asks about the cuts
Nobody.

Nothing motivates me.
Nothing makes me happy yet-
Nothing makes me sad.
Nothing.

The worst feeling in the world-
Is not feeling at all.
Everything is happening around you
And you're not there.