The girl you met at a party
And bonded with over how your father's are *******,
And which year you wanted to **** yourselves.

Who, you would laugh with
But never date
Not just because she's gay,
But because her anxiety is crazy,
Like yours.

You will talk about beer
And she will notice that boys with drunk families either love
Or hate the stuff

She will see you growing older
Becoming a drunk like your father
And watching your potential
Go down the drain

Because you tell her how you missed 80 days of school
And they can't technically expel you
Because you had a doctors note for your anxiety
She tells you how she didn't learn anything in 6th grade
Except which pills to take
To numb her brain

She will hold your hand while you run down a hill
Away from the other 'normal' kids,
For quiet.

She will grab your shoulder when you tell her you punched a brick wall till your fingers broke
And tell you "buddy, get some better coping mechanisms"

You'll talk about beer again
And she'll talk about how flowers make her angry

You'll play truth or dare
With normal kids
And you will get defensive of her

Why did you get defensive of me
So quickly

Is it because I was vulnerable with you?

Is it because I hugged you when you left and told you

If your father ever hits you again

Call the ******* cops.

Is it because you see you in me?

Is it because I am the healthy now you strive to be

If she could keep you alive a little longer
She would show you all the songs she wrote for you

"I wish I knew you in 8th grade
Because I would've never let you near that belt in the first place"

You say you're happy you didn't **** yourself, because now you have her.

She talks to you everyday
And her dark comedy flies through
Stupid movie quotes

With her
You talk about the future
Like something you look forward to,
Not like a fairy tale your mother told you,
Before you knew what scars looked like,
Before you knew the color of your blood.

Things doesn't have to be
Beautiful,
As long as they're
Real.

I'm here again,

It's me.

Again with many words,

Few messages.

A voice so loud,

Yet inaudible;

A resolve so strong,

Yet so spineless.

Again I'm overthrown by my weakness,

Again I turn to my drugs.

I wish that'd be the worse part of it all.

I lay at the couch half-sleeping, half-awake,

I lay my head down, I lay as my body ache,

I lay down and to there I see

A hand pulling mine;

Thrashed to the lobby.

Found me at the bathroom,

Still with breath cut short,

Left to me was rapport I hope so much to abort;

Body left helpless, body failed a last resort.

Now I write, barely sleeping, barely awake,

Life threw with everything at stake;

I can never unfeel the unspeakable things you've done,

I can never remove the handprints you have left upon me;

I can never undo the chaos you have left to run,

I will never forgive how you moved me.

Breath cut short,

Innocence left shorter.

Once. More.

i will end my life
not today
not tomorrow
maybe not even in a year from now
but i will leave this world
by my own hand
for i was brought here
not by choice
i was created
without any consent
signed a contract to keep breathing
the signature being my first breath
so i will leave on my own terms
by my own hand
my choice

s.s