sliding on hardwood floors in fuzzy socks
hearing an song i haven’t heard in years and still knowing all the lyrics
swinging on the swing set in my backyard
the calm and quiet
movie nights with friends
the shiver that runs up my spine on occasion
feeling the warm lights on me as i stand center stage
much needed hugs
absently scrolling through social media
the smell of smoke lingering on your clothes
chocolate
feeling my heartbeat spike a million beats a minute
catching up on life
walking next to someone on the sidewalk
looking up at the stars
being able to talk about anything and everything
the smell of books
spending the day at the beach
the grin i get on my face after a performance
seeing a friend after a while
putting on comfy clothes after a long day
having the wind blow past me in a gust
being stupid with my best friends

I've been having moods lately. Not good moods either. These are the moods I hide from people. Moods where I snap at a harmless comment. Moods when I cry for no reason. Moods when I cry for a dark reason. I hide these moods so you won't pity me. When it's late at night and I'm crying and I feel so alone. I start thinking then. Thinking when I'm in these moods are never good. I've never acted on these thoughts but these thoughts are still there. When it's late at night and I'm crying and I feel so alone. You assume my thoughts. Where could I feel hurt and no one could see? What "great plans" are supposedly in store for me? What am I supposed to do with my life? Will I amount to anything? The pressure sets in then. It sits on my chest and creeps into my heart and lungs.
I have to remain strong. These thoughts and moods will pass.

sunsets
lipstick stains on coffee cups
laughing until you're crying
laundry fresh out of the dryer
rain of the roof
the smell of fresh flowers
a mini wing on your eyeliner
chick flicks
thumbing through a book
wearing a dress and heels
sitting after being on your feet for hours
sunflowers seeds
a hot shower
snuggling with a stuffed animal
amazon's two day shipping
tea
reading in bed

i cannot describe how thankful i am for my mother. she is the pillar i lean on when there are hard times and she is the one i share good news with. she is my counselor and friend. she is the glue that holds the family together. she gives and gives and gives and doesn’t expect anything in return. she delights in my delight and i can finally say that i know she is proud of me as I am finally following the Lord and the path He has for me. she’s always been proud of me and her love has never wavered, even when i was in my darkest times and when i was furthest from the Lord. she has always been there for me and i know that will never change.

eyes a myriad of colors
blue, green, grey
blonde or brunette
you can't even say

i have a ***** secret
something hidden to everyone around me, that i hide with smiles and laughter
something that brings tears to my eyes and a weight to my shoulders
i ran away from home when i was twenty
i didn't know what i would be leaving for good when i did leave
i thought it was just for a visit to sunny california
there, however, i found a second home
i broke my first home, my parents and sister, in the process
not just them but the rest of my family and friends
i have lived with the guilt
of knowing how much i have broken them
of not knowing the depths of their pain
that is what hurts me the most
knowing just how much i've broken and hurt them
how much i still grapple with the guilt
how much i feel i have shamed them
acting as though it does not bother me
when, in reality, it kills me every day
knowing what i did to them
knowing how much i changed their lives
knowing how much i hurt them
however
they have forgiven me
they love me
we see each other when we're able to
we call and text and stay in contact
i am truly blessed to be in their lives
that they still want me in their lives
i do not deserve their forgiveness
i still struggle with the guilt
some days are easier than others
even still
i am not worthy of their love
i will always carry the guilt
it is my burden to bear

i am nothing but a bundle of nerves
coming apart at every end
shaking and nervous
about to fray and fly away

I call you my Draco and you call me your Luna. You, however, are far more than the sun, moon, and stars to me.

I can see the huge flashes of lightning through my window and hear the huge raindrops on my roof.
It's nights like these that make me happy

i have these notebooks
they're nothing truly special
red, green, and black
70 sheets of college ruled paper
(less than that from torn out pages)
battered and worn
months of wear and tear
but they hold so much value to me
pages of thoughts scribbled out
some pages half torn
to-do lists that were never completed
poems that are half completed
notes of poems that could be
random thoughts throughout the day
a song that i heard and liked
it's just random notes
thoughts that were filling my head
thoughts i had to get out
there's so many things i can share
and someday, i will
but now
i'll leave you with this poem

i didn't want to accept it
i'd done research
i knew what it was
i just didn't want to admit it
now i know
i've been diagnosed
now i have to accept it
three simple words
I. AM. DEPRESSED.

people call me beautiful
but they don't see what's underneath
that's who i really am
ugly thoughts, ugly person

there are times where you feel so tired
you just need to shut yourself away
slip on your headphones
hearing nothing else but your music
taking some time away for yourself
being a little selfish
and stealing away a little time
so you can rest
and relax
and recoup

Simplicity is one of the best things in life. You know what’s simple? Sunsets, pouring rain, running barefoot through grass, walking hand and hand with your significant other on the beach. The simplest things in life are what usually take the breath away and create the most powerful memories.

Ha. And I haven't been suicidal? That I had scars that faded. That I haven't been through hell and back with a smile on my face? That I haven't seen my fair share of hurt and pain? That I have had so many moment where I've been suicidal. That I've had moments where I seriously thought about swallowing a bottle of bathroom cleaner. That I was monitored as I flushed tramadol down the toilet so I wouldn't overdose. I've been through hell and I've learned how to be strong. There are moments where my armor cracks and I'm left with heartache but I sober up and continue on my way. That I have to be strong. That I'm always going to have love on my side and when I don't have strength and energy, I look to those who I love

it's starting again
and again and again
     over and over
it keeps beating me down
                       keeping me down
it knows
     how to get to me the best
it knows everything
                         all i can do is hope it won't be any worse than before
foolish girl
        don't you know by now?
stress
          will always be there
always
                beating and knocking
everywhere you turn
                                                                                             it will find you

the two words
i've heard over and over
throughout this time
is 'strong and proud'
somehow, that's me.
it's not really though
that's not me at all
that's what i pretend to be
that's what i seek for
that's what i pray for
i get my strength
from the Lord
and through that
i can be proud
the ears that once
had turned away
have finally, finally
turned back to Him
actively seeking
and pursuing
the strength from Him
so i can be proud
in knowing what
i was made to do

you did nothing to have someone act the way they did. yet, you still feel as though you did something wrong. you apologize and try to convince them that it was you, it was all you and they had nothing to do with the wrong that was committed. as time goes on, you realize that it was nothing that you did at all, that you weren’t in the wrong. by then, it’s too late…god, i don’t know where i’m going with this...maybe this isn’t for you, but for me instead. because i have to constantly remind myself that i am worth it, that i’m valuable. no matter how much rejection or heartbreak that i face, i still pick myself up at the end of the day. i’m the one who will dust off my shoulders, wipe the tears from my eyes, bandage the wounds left by the ones who ran me over, and continue the long weary journey alone, save for a few people that want to join me. many start with me but few stay with. others say that they’re going to be there for me but then drop off the face of the earth with a simple “i’m sorry but i can’t do this” and leave me dumbfounded and confused and wondering what it was that i did and if there had been anything i could have done to change their mind. there was nothing and i didn’t do anything wrong and it wasn’t me at all, but it was them, leaving me trampled into the ground with my soul broken into a million shards. i’ll be sitting there, reassembling my heart, missing a few pieces, cursing the existence of everyone and swearing, “no, i won’t allow myself to be attracted to another person” until i see someone else and they see me too and oh gosh, it’s happening again. i should learn to brace myself against such things because i know that i’m going to get hurt again and it’s going to be even more painful than the last. and then it happens and  yet again, i’m sitting there, bewildered because i don’t know what happened or why it happened or the other several hundred questions running through my mind, so i begin gluing the shards together again, noticing a few more are gone, stuck to the sole of his shoe from where he crushed my soul. ironic, isn’t it?

they say not to worry
they say not to stress
how can i not?
it's my future
it's my path
yet, i know
i have to give
the control over
to one who knows
my path and future
stop taking
start giving
stop worrying
start trusting
stop stressing
start relaxing
maybe then
the pieces
will fall
in place

i didn't want to tell people that there was something wrong. i thought it was all in my head; i thought i would be told it was all in my head. turns out, it wasn't. i was depressed. i am depressed, technically. you wouldn't expect that, just looking at me. i tried to hide it as much as possible. now, i can't hide it. so i'm going to be open and say it, not to seek attention and not to cause harm. i am depressed and i am getting help. i am getting better. my mum even noticed. "it's nice to have our daughter back. you have that spark of life again."

i wandered through a cemetery
i saw my ancestors
great, great grandparents
my grandfather's brother
i saw other people
babies who weren't a year
sisters who died on the same day
a father who outlived all his children
and to think
those people
those families
lived lives just as complex
and wonderful
as the lives we each have....

you stand there
uncertainty rising
anxiety building
flooding your veins
with a shaking arm
you raise your hand
a flare gun clutched
within your sweaty palm
fingers furling and unfurling
you know
it’s now or never
do it while you still
have the nerve
you’ve built up
mentally counting
‘one, two, three’
finger squeezing
body recoiling
from the impact
you did it
no going back now
the signal is out
landing who knows where
not knowing if
it’s even been seen
hope sparks with
the flash of the flare
the only unknown
is if someone saw
that spark and
wants to ignite
their own spark too

I want lazy days. You and me, relaxing in pajama pants, with mugs of hot drinks, preferably tea, with the rain pouring down outside. I want hours of reading books, thought provoking and emotion provoking. Us reading separately or you reading to me or me reading to me. I want days where we do nothing but enjoy each other's company. That's what I want most out of life: books, tea, rain, and you. Mostly you. Completely you

it's almost 2 am
i'm on the floor
curled up
in the green blanket
the one you lent to me
it's been washed
but i'm smelling it
in hopes that it smells like you
because i miss you
i want you next to me
but you're there and i'm here
and there are tears in my eyes
with the green blanket around me

You round up because what difference is a quarter of a inch
Heels, depending on the size, will make you the average height
Leggings and sweats will bunch at your ankles
Shirts become dresses, but only for you
Dress hems hit the floor, but only for you
**** skirts become **** dresses
Having to hem every single pair of jeans
Sleeves. Sleeves are far too long
"Petite" clothing doesn't fit either
Step stools are your best friend
Jumping for something that's just out of reach works too
Constantly being mistaken for a 16 year old
(Even if you are turning 20 this year)
Being used as an armrest by someone who thinks they're funny
Stuck in the front for every group photo
There's that awkward height difference between you and everyone
Standing on tiptoes and having the guy lean down for a kiss
You hate sports that require tall people, like volleyball and basketball
And yet, you wouldn't change your height for the world

i thought senior year was hard
freshman year is harder
being accepted into a university
it was exciting
for twenty minutes
reality set in then
wondering how i was going to pay
student loans
getting a second job
while attending classes
and working part time
what about work study?
it's all so much
overwhelming
moving me to tears with the thought
of what am i going to do
they don't tell you this in high school

i know what i signed up for, working in the service industry, more specifically working as a barista.
maybe i didn't really know
(despite being told for years that i would make a great barista)
i had no idea what was in store
there's good and bad days
with the good outweighing the bad
there's customers who i am getting to know
names and orders standing out to me
there's the pet names i get called
'sweetie, sweetheart, darling, dear'
there's the customers who would rather
stare at their screens than give me
even a second of eye contact
making me feel a little less than a person
there are those who smile and say
how bubbly i am to them
and how they can't understand why
i can be so happy at 4 in the morning
(i don't either but i continue to do so)
there's the customers who talk on the phone
while placing their order
only adding to the chaos during a rush
there are the customers who take a second
pause and tell me their order
before going back to their phone call
there are two sides to every customer
two sides to every interaction
there are always good and bad days
however, it is the good
that always outweighs the bad

it is so wonderful
that even in these times
i can get together
and have time
with friends and mentors
that i have people
in my life
that i can lean on
they are the ones
to encourage me
and let me see how
they are doing
in all of this
for that
i am thankful

it's hard to believe
another year has come and gone
i used to call you daddy
i now call you dad
you have accomplished so much in 51 years
traveled the world
europe, asia, africa, australia, and north america
despite growing up in a small town
married for 22 years
two daughters turning 18 and 20
you have helped me through life, one step at a time
so, to the first man i've loved, thank you
you have accomplished so much
and have so much more to accomplish

It's late, the kind of late when there is nothing going on in the world outside. There are no cars out and everyone is at home, lost in their dreams.
She isn't though. Her mind is wide awake and it refuses to stop daydreaming. Despite how tired she is and how much she wants to sleep, she can't.
Instead, she tosses and turns and listens to the rain that's hitting her window. Instead, she thinks and daydreams. Instead, she stays in her cocoon of warmth while the rest of the world gets cold

to the man who said "who would want to work at a place like this":

I understand working part time at a frozen yogurt store is not ideal to you. Surely it does not measure up to your job. However, it is not your job; it is mine. And you know what?

I relish my job.

I enjoy opening a yogurt store in the morning and staying here throughout the afternoon. (The AC on the hot summer days is a welcome bonus). I enjoy interacting with my regular customers and meeting the new ones that come in. I enjoy calling out 'hello' and 'have a nice day' every time the door opens and the bell goes off. I enjoy being able to work hard and serve the people who come in. I enjoy being able to work on homework during the slow parts of the day.

There are struggles that come with every job, such as messes made without a second thought to apologize, children occasionally throwing a tantrum, or customers who are unhappy with something I cannot control.

It may not be ideal to you. You may wonder why I work in a place like this.

To me, there is no other place I'd rather be.

From the girl behind the counter

P.S: the tips are pretty nice too

i'm the one trapped in this hell
i'm the one stuck in my own head
this is getting to be too much
maybe i'm better off dead

I say "I'm fine"
Maybe one day
I'll believe
What I say

It’s nights like this that really get to me. The nights where nothing happens and you can feel something in your soul. There’s something there, lurking and you’re not sure what it is, but you know that it can’t be good. I can feel it now. It’s there, almost taunting me. I have to turn up my music so that’s all I can hear, not even hearing the buzzing of my phone against the wood desktop, not even the keys clicking as I tap e-a-c-h  i-n-d-i-v-i-d-u-a-l  o-n-e. I have to block it out or fill it with something. Something other than sadness and pain. Because I know that’s what’s going to happen if I dwell on it and I know that something is not what I need or want. I can tell what’s going to happen: that sadness is going to come and take me away. I’ll be swept up and carried away until I can’t tell what direction up is or my left from my right. I can’t listen to sad music either; that’ll only make it worse. Because I know what will happen. I can’t let that happen to me, not again. I have to distract myself, otherwise, I’m a goner.

the only reason i write so much is to quiet the voices in my head

You know what I want to do right now? I want to cry and scream and do something, anything. Anything but think about the veins and blood beneath my skin, my heart pumping that oh so precious blood all over my body, the blood that's now filled with adrenaline at those thoughts. I'm sure the coffee on an empty stomach and the lack of sleep isn't helping. I'm shaking now. Is it from the coffee or the thoughts, from the want? My stomach has dropped now and I feel sick. Again, I don't know why it's doing that. I think it's from the thoughts, that thought of the bright red against the pale white. That's an image I can't get out of my head. My god, I don't know that to do. I could go hide away and cut in a spot no one will ever see. It doesn't have to be the wrist to make it bleed. Yet, I have to smile and pretend that I'm not shaking, that I'm not about to break down, that the tears are pricking at my eyes, that I can think of at least five objects I can use to hurt myself. I have to continue to fake it. I have to be okay. I have to be strong, even though I'm not strong at all. I still want to cut. That's going to be a thought in the back of my mind all day, even though I took my 'happy' pills, even though I'm faking that I'm okay. I'm not okay. I can admit that, only to myself. I can't admit that to the world. I will put on a smile. I will hide the shaking. I will hide the thoughts. I will hide the hurt. I will carry on. I will be okay.

how am i flawed? let me count the ways
i am too emotional when i shouldn't be
i cry over the stupidest things
i will get angry at the smallest things
i overthink the simplest things
i give too much when i shouldn't
i hold onto things i shouldn't
i will be open and closed at the same time
i won't let people in when i should
the list goes on and on, i know
and yet, despite all of this, i am still loved and accepted
i am healed and mended through my brokenness
through my flaws, i am who i am

when will you realize
that you are not your body
you are not the skin you are in
you are your soul
you are your mind
you are your spirit
your favorite color
the movie that makes you cry the most
that joke that always makes you laugh
your dreams and visions
what makes you passionate
your dark secrets
what you think about when you're alone
your favorite snack
what you do when it's late and you're still awake
your favorite breakfast food
why you love
why you hope
why you cry
why you scream
why you're still here
those are what you are made of
everything precious and beautiful
that is who you are
not your body
but your soul instead

whenever you kiss my forehead
that adorable half-smirk
stroking my hair
your snicker (you know what i'm talking about)
the comfort of sitting in silence
you tolerate my love of books
how your stubble feels against my skin
walking together, hand in hand
i can't figure your eye color
you make my heart sing
all the nicknames you have for me
you're willing to work out the kinks in our relationship
stroking my face
'grabbing' my nose to make me laugh
whenever i catch you staring at me
you'll buy me books
talking about the future, our future
you help me with dishes, without a complaint
when you play with my hair
your fingers twitch as you drift off
always being so understanding about everything
brushing my hair out of my face
you pause your video games to talk with me
every time i hear your voice on the phone, i smile like an idiot
drying my tear-stained cheeks with your fingers
you want to talk about anything and everything
"duh"
always caring about my well-being
you see my perspective and i see yours
hugging for a long time
you want to go to church with me
knowing exactly what to say (most of the time)
you keep spoiling me, even though you joke
snuggling together
your mouth twitches before you kiss me
that soft smile you get from time to time
you've never treated me as an object
making me feeling safe and secure
whenever you compliment me
you take naps on me
letting me rest for a few minutes
you don't make sexist jokes

look how far we've come, my love
       and how far we have to go