jenna elizabeth: Poems

words

jenna elizabeth Jun 2016

words

for every one word spoken, there are ten that cannot be

jenna elizabeth Oct 2017

Today is World Mental Health Day.
I never thought I would celebrate it.
I never thought anything was wrong with me
(Can you even say something is wrong?)
On the outside, there I am:
Strong, carefree, smiling, laughing
On the inside?
That’s a different story.
Weak, worrying, whimpering, crying.
I hid it as well as I could,
Cracking when the pressure was too much.
That pressure, that weight,
I put it upon myself.
Over and over and over,
I kept telling myself,
Just one more day.
Just one more day.
Just one more day.
Over and over and over.
Nothing is wrong.
You’re just hurting.
You’re just broken.
I didn’t know how broken I was.
Not until I was diagnosed.
I started crying when I was told.
I was broken.
It wasn’t just in my head.
It was and it wasn’t.
I took the tests.
I got my meds.
I started getting better.
Today? I’m still healing.
I’m still working on getting better.
Life has knocked me down,
More than I had hoped,
In my 20, almost 21, years.
It just makes me stronger.
I realize that now.
I’m stronger than I was.
I’m happier than I was.
I’m still struggling.
Who isn’t?
I am depressed.
I will not let that define me.
I will not let that become me.
Depression is a part of me.
It is not me.
It does not fully make up me.
I am still me.
Jenna Elizabeth Friesen.
Strong.
(Even if I don’t feel like it)
Happy.
(There is bad with the good)
Living and loving life,
For once.
For once in a long time,
I can say that I want life.
I relish it.
That is me beating depression.
That is me beating that part,
That part of myself.

Cheers, love. I'm still here, living and loving.

#world #mental #health #day

writing a novel

jenna elizabeth Aug 2019

writing a novel

i have so many words
itching to get out
plots and characters
living at my fingertips
waiting for me to breathe life
and bring them onto the page
why can't i?
they are stuck
waiting for me
should they simply
go find someone else?
should they simply
stop wishing for me?
no
i can do this
i think i can
i shall try
to write
and breathe life
and breathe hope
and breathe courage
maybe into myself
maybe into others
but *******
i will do this
i will write
and breathe something
into the world
something that will
impact others
make them talk
make them think
make them hope
dangerous weapon
to have and hold
i would much rather not
i suppose i have no other choice
to find the words
and get the courage
because i know what i must do
this is what i want
this is what i need
this is for me
and for others
to make an impact
to make a difference
to make my life
mean something

the curse of being a type 4, wing 5

you

jenna elizabeth Jan 2016

you

you ruined me
do you know that?
you ruined me
do you even care?
that ruin changed me
people say that change is good
it’s healthy for you
i’m not sure about my change

do you want to know more?
how you ruined me?

i was blind
blind and stupid
i fell for you
i fell long and hard
and the crash into reality ruined me
i still have the scars on my heart
scars that won’t heal
do you want to see them?
see the damage you caused?
see the ruin?

the rest is a tad more complicated

you had a pair of rose-colored glasses
you didn’t know what would happen
you put those glasses on me
you forced those glasses on me
suddenly, i saw what you saw
your world, your ideas, your opinions, your words
never mine, only yours
you didn’t know the glasses would ruin me
you took me to places i’d never been
you took me to places i didn’t want to be
then the illusion shattered
those rose-colored lenses splintered
flying into a million pieces
and some of those pieces flew into my eyes
those pieces that traveled into my mind
those pieces that ruined me

i’d like to say i carry you in my heart
but i carry you in my mind instead

do you remember now?
do you know when you ruined me?
i do
i’ll always know
you’ve probably forgotten
i’ll always remember
when you ruined me
it’s a hard thing to forget
the moment when i was ruined

i had asked you a question
an innocent harmless question
or so i thought
your answer, that was it
that was what ruined me
your answer ruined me
those two words
i asked you why you weren’t interested
why you didn’t ask me out
(is this starting to sound familiar?)
those two words
that small phrase
it ruined me
(you know those words?)
you said “physically unattractive”
i was physically unattractive to you
you liked my mind
but you hated my body
you liked the soul
but you hated the vessel

and that was the moment
i crashed into reality
the illusion shattered
you ruined me

that was in june of 2014
those words still haunt me
i’m ruined
thanks to you
something inside me changed
i won’t ever be the same
and i hate that
i was ruined
with deep scars on my heart
scars that won’t heal

you want to know the ruin?
i’m going to tell you anyway

i can’t look in a mirror
without thinking of your words
i don’t believe people
when they compliment me
if someone tells me i’m pretty
i wonder what they see
or if it’s me they’re looking at
i don’t get it
when i’m told i’m cute
because i’ve been ruined

you ruined me
do you know that?
you ruined me
do you even care?
you ruined me
do you remember now?
i do
i always will
because i’ve been ruined

— The End —