violent body of mine
take me away
my shoulder
hurts

but
no match
for the haze
that muddles my mind

i
am ashamed
of my body
all of the hate

that i am missing
i make up
for that
absence

they
tell me
i am great
i am everywhere too

i can bleed my
heart out on
a library
computer

and
feel no
more exposed no
less strong i am

filled with that hate
where i can
lay everything
bare

if
i so
choose i am
not stifled by this

body which i cannot
love i am
stifled by
my

mind
the guilt
the shame of
eyes-half-shut looking

blinking through tears equal
parts wind and
limitless possibilities
i,

terrified
of what
will soon be
inevitable i just can't

i just can't admit
that i can
do anything
i

want
whenever i
want however i
want forever i want

i got creepings
crawlings
in first and
second vertebrae

You got slow
tears
anguish you chained
since forever

i got wails
panting
fissures break then
who, me?

You got people
everywhere
you say alone
i understand

i dug my
fingers
into my pockets
you worked

You want to
run
empty words with
great meaning

there is no
We
i know you
but can't

the We lies
between
we **** it
always fleeting

back to normal so quickly
in an instant melting
the alien coating
that flavored my ache
layered my peculiar humor

night with every one gone upstairs
sitting with toxic concoctions that
i only knew i needed
when my mind went
blank

the pizza box i stepped
on melted by snow fused
to the ground i stepped
on it twice and the moisture
soaked itself stuck on my bones

passive bellicose falling asleep screaming cleaning down the dark street nobody there shave my neck with a switch-blade and we sink together into a comfort that makes us sick sad and listless just this quiet nowhere

my nowhere in the sterile kitchen
scrubbed with a solution fading
with circular wipes but ring stains
persist condensation lifting me out
of my body to see where the real
indeterminacy lies

i haven't dreamt in a while
and i never dreamed that would happen

i fear falling asleep
because i hate waking up or
at least i hate the outside
that my open eyes reveal

i'm losing my imagination
because all i think of is better
and better is pretty mundane
the more you think about it

i was running down the street today
then saw a bus pull up at the perfect time
i got on the bus disappointed
logic subverts the unique

i stopped at a door today
for 5 or so minutes
thinking about coffee
then strange footsteps unfroze me

i woke up early today
but the more time i have
the more i get done
the more never enough it is

we got a few days left dont we?
will be better will be better will be better will be better
we wasted days looking forward, didnt we?
trapped cant stay awake trapped wake up wake up WAKE UP
we afraid of it ending, aint we?
what they gonna say? what am i gonna say?
afraid of beginning that ending
ugly out-of-shape stupid lazy worthless NOTHING
dont want to start nothing temporary
run away run away run away RUN AWAY
and only one thing in this world that lasts, right?
dont think dont think dont think dont think dont think
the REAL end, nothing old, nothing new
**** **** **** **** **** **** **** STOP
but we aint gonna do that, are we?
release release release just need a RELEASE
nah, we in the **** now, we're invested
PLEASE
and that just makes it worse, dont it?
oh god what god oh god what god oh god what god
no matter how bad we want to, we cant
all my fault all my fault all my fault
we destined for great things, aint we?
oh no
we can be whatever we want to be
please no
so we just gonna ride this out
no
and see where it takes us

My ancestors (i hesitate to even call them such)
came to this land centuries ago
they came with nothing
hoping to start a new life
but this is not about my proud heritage
not about immigrants following the
American Dream (Nightmare would be more accurate)

No
my ancestors
my White Anglo Saxon Protestant ancestors
descended upon this pristine landmass
like so many parasitic WASPs
injecting their prey (the people, the land) with venom
laying their eggs that would **** the hosts upon hatching

No
my ancestors
who helped perpetrate an ethnic cleansing
the likes of which 20th century fascists could only dream of
did so under the title of Manifest Destiny
divine right
their religion masking opportunistic genocide

No
my ancestors
laid the foundation
for the greatest country in the world
where ALL (White, English, Heteronormative, Cisnormative, Land-owning, Slave-Owning, Women Hating , Native-American-Murdering, Capitalistic, Perverted) MEN are created equal

No
my ancestors
partook in genocide
condoned slavery
oppressed women (and every other divergent identity)
destroyed the environment
and did so with such arrogance
such unheard of righteousness

No
my ancestors
were the lifeblood of America
the lifeblood of oppression
and that blood runs through my veins
the screams of American-Indian Warriors
of African Slaves
of Women labeled Witches and Gays and People of Color and anyone who opposed the hideous behemoth, anyone who dared to be different

their screams echo in my head
and i am ashamed