i’m hungry
but the numbers on the scale from this morning tell me otherwise
and i’m hungry
but the way my stomach doesn’t lay flat
against my body says diversely
i’m hungry
but i want to feel the bones sticking out of me
i want to feel how sick i am

now i’ve given in
it holds control over everything i do
the way i drag my feet
the things that slowly come out of my mouth
the thoughts that encourage the purple tone in my skin
and the bags under my eyes

i’m hungry
but the hunger to starve, is much stronger
and the hunger to binge, is heavier than the rest

Wrapped in a blanket of cold,
a reaction that happened overnight,
and one that would disappear soon enough.

Once the sun warms the earth,
and the cars start running,
the birds start to chirp,
and the city wakes up again,
the blanket will disappear.

But once the sun sets again,
the animals scurry back into the forest,
the city goes dim,
and the silence takes control,
all of the plants will be wrapped in a blanket of cold.
Once again

The Pills
I take for my Head
I take for my thoughts
I take for my feelings
begin to look
Delicious,
Tempting,
Inviting.

Unlike the people
they accept me,
they want me,
they need me.
They haze my mind
making me uncontrollable
but oddly comfortable.

I’ve never been so high
not high enough to see the stars
or high enough to quit.
But i want to...
Not Quit.

I want to see the stars.
I want the world around me to go dim
stay there even.
And I want things to stop.
I want to be alone.

even though
you’re no longer lying beside me
face smooshed into the pillow
hiding under blankets
from the cold air outside
and even though
you’re not here to make fun of
the acting in this movie
or the taste of the popcorn
that i once again burnt
and even though
you’re not with me to save me
from the fire lit inside
and make me laugh until i’m
begging for air
i’m still sitting in this room
windows
ears
and heart
open
listening to the cars on the highway
reminding me of the
absence
you’ve left me with

i know one day i’ll be okay again.
one day i will be able to get through it.
one day i will stop having these thoughts.
one day i will see how beautiful the sunset is again,
instead of thinking how terrible it is that i have to go through this same pain over again tomorrow.
one day i know i will be happy again.
but for now,
i’m just not okay.

it’s ***** when every time someone gets near you,
you flinch,
and when people ask why you have to lie,
and when your at your lowest point
there’s no one to go home to
no one to talk to
because everyone you once loved
broke you
and everyone you once talked to
lied to you.
everything that has ever happened to you,
affected you
changed the way you think
changed the way you act
changed the way you felt when other come near you,
so every time someone gets near me i flinch,
i repeat and remember,
i remind myself that not everyone has the soft hands of an angel
just trying to help me out.