I have tried so hard to move forward
I really want to be happy
To accomplish things
Put the Past behind.

But the voices in my head
They whisper and yell
Lies, and half-truths
They make me doubt.

They can twist everything
Make it seem like I am
Unwanted, unloved
A failure.

I do not know how to silence them.

I am his little puppet
He calls, I run
He hits, I break
He touches, I cringe and endure
He controls me

He controls my spirit
He controls my mind

I try to untie the strings
And be a real person
But each time I slip one off
He is right back to tie it on tighter.

The puppet master
He beckons for me
He wants to see me dance
I dance for him
With silent tears
rolling down my cheeks.

I try so hard to not let him win
But then the letter or call comes
And I am right back there again
Under his control.

Feeling lost and hurting
Wanting all the pain to leave.

My head hurts
My heart is broken
I am a mess.

I cannot function like this anymore
I am done

He has ruined my day....again.

Happy Birthday to me
He's back.

Let's reflect today
This "Father's Day"
What have I learned from him:

I learned that I am worthless
Only good for his pleasure.

I learned that people you love
Will hurt and use you.

I learned that women
Are *** toys to be abused.

I learned to keep my mouth shut and not cry
If was only worse if you cried.

I learned how to lie there and pretend
So he could get his pleasure.

I learned that I am broken
Broken by his fists and words.

I learned that I will never be good enough
For his love and respect.

I learned that I am to be seen and not heard
Unless you want to be beaten senseless.

I learned that nobody should be trusted
Everybody lies and uses.

These are the lessons I have learned from "Daddy"
Lessons I don't wish for any little girl to have to learn.

Happy Father's Day to the worst father alive.
May you rot in hell someday!

Laying outside.
Got a shiny new blade in hand.
I love the way the sun shimmers off it.
A new blade...needs to be used.

I am actually feeling good.
But still have the urge.
The  urge  to cut.
To feel that  slice  into skin.

I am  addicted  to cutting.
I feel a rush knowing what is coming.
The quickness of the  blade.
The slight pull of the skin.
Then the  red  bubbles of  blood.
That led into a path of  red  running
Down my arm.

Initiating the new  blade.
Cutting tonight.
Not to dull a pain.
But out of a  desire  to feel it.

In a few hours I will be facing the monster.
The one who took my innocence,
My childhood, my soul.
I need to take back control
I pray for strength.
He needs to pay for the hurt
The hurt then and now.
My lack of being able to function normally....his doing.
I need to stand tall
Be firm...make him suffer
Like he made me.

I can do this
The time has come
Today you pay!

I am headed for a fight
Tired of running
He is always gonna win
Unless I take a stand
It is time
Only one of us
Will walk away.