nina - Hello Poetry

nina Oct 2023

i once recalled your memory,
full of heart & sorrow,
heavy is the weight of speaking your name.
i sang a song of longing & regret,
begging for a conversation
to fill the empty air you left me with.
but once the air was full
& satiated by a newcomer,
the glass wall i built around me
had shattered at my feet.
left with nothing but the ever-open,
bleeding wound that i call you.
his words & thoughts may flow likewise,
but his eyes could never hold you
the way mine so selfishly long to
& i feel the familiar ache for the millionth time.
you haunt me like my shadow,
you come to me in waves,
you carved your name in my chambers
& left it desolate for the next.
although my love has renovated,
your name is embedded in the walls.
i cover it with beautiful paintings,
made with new memories, hoping to forget.
so when does it end, the ache, the guilt,
the longing, the love?
i pray to god to grant me mercy
& leave me with an answer
of how to let it go.

#love #heartbreak #sad

nina Sep 2023

⛓

what have you done to me?
how have you consumed me once again?
𝘄𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗵𝗮𝘃𝗲 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗱𝗼𝗻𝗲 𝘁𝗼 𝗺𝗲?
what is this spell you cast to keep me at your mercy?
₩Ⱨ₳₮ Ⱨ₳VɆ ɎØɄ ĐØ₦Ɇ ₮Ø ₥Ɇ?
a puppet on a string as i worship at your shrine

w̷̡̖͍̭̗͚̠͍͍̑̄̿͂́̽͐͠h̶̺̓a̶̳͕̙̘̙̼̯͑̆t̴̯͈͓͎͓̅̑̿͑͑̉͜͝ ̷̣̙̓̈̈́͋̒͛̀h̷̥̣̟̭̹͕̫̱͈͗́̿͒̉̈́̕ȃ̴̱̬̣̱̼̩ṽ̷̩̔̓̂͐́̌͑͆̈́e̴̗̅̄̀͠ ̵̛̦̠̤̍͆̒̀̚ỷ̵͖̪͓͕̃̒̑̈́̉̈̀̓͝ở̴͇̟̲̤͕̮̗̎́̿̌̚u̴̢̪̻̪̯̘̮̻̝͔̓̉̓̂̈͠ ̴͖̞̘̞̔̇̈́̐̍̍̿͘͠ͅd̶̥̯̍̎o̸̡͚̠̺̓̓̽̏̈́͐͜ǹ̸͈͉͚͍̣̟̯̱̣́e̶͇̯̼̘̞̱̔̓̇̓͛̂̓̐ ̶̡̰̺͔͚̺͍̞̱̿̽͗́́̏͛͐̚͠t̴̮̲͍̝̹̭̺͈͛͌̂͑̏̀̆͛o̸̬̮̼̫̱̫̪̺͊ ̶̢̧̙͖̟̠̯̼͑̔̐̂̑͛̔ͅm̶̧̟̜͓͚̣̪͙̺̾͌e̷̢͍̰͙̬̜̎͑̏̎̆̅͂?̸̢̜͉͖̺̆͛̓̏́̅̈́͝

b̵̳̓̿͐̓͊͛̕r̶͚͙͈͊͋̕͜e̵̥̜͓̘̞̊̈́̍͐̅̍̕ͅͅa̶̛̩̮̗͋̀̊́̄͑̽̈k̷̛͉̟̣͔̥̟͇̈ ̸̹̥̪̆͗̑͋͝m̶̲̀́͋̂͑̕e̷̟͍̺͖̙̺͇̐̐̈̊̎͆̚͜ ̶͇̠͕̠̌̊̏̅̿̐̃́͠ö̴̧̜̺̩̲́́̕͜f̸̱̙͚͉̣̣̘̮͇͌̾́ ̷̱̞͔̈́t̵̢̧̟̺͍̤̤̯̙͓́̀̀̏̀̔ḩ̶̧̢̖̱̜͙̪̪̈̅́̋̈̆̍̎e̵̼͒̾̆s̷̝͚͍͔̊̎̈́͜e̴͎̬̥̦͓̰͂̿̒̇͆̏͊͝ ̶̨̘̔̀ç̵̺͈͉̱̦̘͈͑͆͜h̴̻̞̜̼͚̭̯͋͊͐̓͂͂̔̓̂̚ȧ̸͎̍̕͘ȋ̴̗̭͍̫̗̻͕̞̪n̴͈͜͜͝s̴̛͓̞͉̜͛̐̈̓ ̷͙͚̘̥̓̆̀̐̆̍y̶̝̣̮̫͙̹̗̥͔̓̋̒̎̿͛̕͘ͅo̸̧̘̟̜͚̥̻͒͛̈͑̾̋̓̈́ú̷̻̟͕̜͎̹̜͂̋̽̌͛͝ ̷̜̥̼̪̭̗̈́̑̃͜͝ă̶̲͈͉͖̟̯̘͐̏̒͐͠b̴̢̮̠͎̺͙̤̉̾̋́̓̓̃͜͠a̶͔̘̋̓́͑̅͒͂̄͘n̸̡̠̤̰̗̺̥͓̄̉d̸̛̤̰̲̹͙̲͈̈́̿͑̓̈͂̒͘̕ͅő̶̱̕n̵͔̝͉̪̦̳͈͓̾͐͆̆̃͠ͅę̴̛͈̮̪̇̊̆͌́̿̆͠ď̵̼̤̰͕̠̩̝̱̝̆͌́́͑ ̴̗͍̌̎͆̀͂͛m̴̡͈̼̪̱͙͍͕̉̈́̍͗̅̑̓͘͜͝ͅe̸̛̘͌͋̌̿̃̀͂ ̵̟̰͇͉͓̝͎́́͌͌͊͊͊́̑͘i̸̡̢̠̺̬̘͖̣̲͙͂̏́͆̓͆͠͝n̸̢͍̉̅̀̂͒̋̊̚͝͠
t̶̢̧͉͔̠̲̥̞̫̃́̐̕͝͠ḩ̸͉̙̖̼̻̮̦͇̽͐͆̕͘e̵̗͍̘̙͔̘͇̺̊̍͋s̴̛̝̦̙̜̲͓̰̹͌͆͂̓̆e̶̖͓̭̯̻̦̞̊̔̍̋̅͒̒ ̴̨̢̪̬̠̳̓̐̇̏̕͝͝͝t̶̢͇̩̏͒̈͗͂̌͌́͝͝h̸̢̬̆̾͗̑̐̆o̸̧̬̞̥͍͇̥̞̯̾̽ü̵̺͚̑̄̈́͋g̸̨̧̘̹̺̳̣̜͜͝h̵̖̟̞̠̺̜͗̋̄̋͝t̷̖̻͍̘̍͐̏͆̎s̴̲̰͔̰͂̒͆̃̃̈̿͛̈́̚ͅ ̸̨̢̡͓̻̬̖̑̎̈́̾̄̓͛̂o̵̢̭͎͙̱̙̯̾̓̓̀̊͛̇̈f̵̨̨̣̞͒̚ ̸̛̛̻̲̤̤̻̭̮̥̰̪̑̀̏̍́̄́͂y̶̡̢̖̞̜͍̣͖̭̮͒͋ö̶̹̼͚̇͌̕̕u̵̢̹̙͖͉̱̦͈̝̾̿̈́̔͌͋́̔̅̕ͅ ̴̡͉̲̪̻̗͔̒́́́͋͒̄̈́̇a̶̢̢̨͔͇̱̋̓̃̂̌͌̄̋r̴͎͔̃̃͗̅̊͐͂̔͠ȅ̷̡̨̻̙̹͍͙͔͓̮̉̂͆̐͌̊͠ ̸̨̫̘̜̳̙͎̲͕̬̆́͆͂ś̷̡̼͖̱̳̟̱̿̊o̸͙̒ ̵̢̫̈́l̸̛͖͎͇͖̉̇̋͊̈́̎̈́̂o̵̧̠͇͓͇͔͙̠͒͑̌̅̚̚͘͜ử̸͎͎̯̬̲̃͛͆̃̑̃͘d̵̮͓̣̘͚͔̈́,̴̘̳̻̞̔ ̸̖̓͆̇̂̀̓̀͐̈͠g̸̢̼̈͛͑̊̀̓͌̓̚͜ͅe̷̠̰͍͈̳͎̘̗̋͂̒ͅt̶̪̻͍̜̲̻̓̚̕̚͝ ̴̡̹̻͕̝͓͗̑̓̎͛̊ͅͅo̸̢̱̹̳̼̻̦̓̾u̸̝̲̹̹̐̀̓̑t̸̨͍̯͉̺̖͔́́ ̴̡̢̻̱͔̈͐̅͠ơ̷̡̟͈̪͈͉͙͒́̅̽̃́͠f̶̹̮̺̪͙̫̙̏͐͝ ̷̳̥̾͐̽m̷̬̦̞͛͒y̷̛̖̺̪͙͇̱̌̍̀͆͐͝ ̷̧̞̖͉̹̓̽͗̎͐̚͠m̷͙̩͉͚̥̼̝͓͖̞̑̅̔̐͑̈́͝i̶̢̫͓͎̠̭̇̉́́͒̾̀͌̅ͅn̴̗̂͗̀ḑ̵̤̣̈́͊͑͂̾̌̾̌͠

ʷʰᵃᵗ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵈᵒⁿᵉ ᵗᵒ ᵐᵉˀ

¿ǝǝɹɟ ǝq ı llıʍ uǝɥʍ

#depression #love #heartbreak #ugh

nina Mar 2023

if i did not exist

if i did not exist
i wonder if the world would know
have i left enough of a mark
i wonder if i did not exist
who would kiss the stars
& tell the moon she is beautiful?
who would nap on the clouds
& sing to the trees?
who would thank the sun for shining
& watch the animals play?
if i did not exist
who would invite you to dance in the rain?
who's face would you see in the sunflowers?
who's name would linger on your tongue?
who would be resting in your heart right now?
if i did not exist
who'd make you laugh in the kitchen?
who'd ask you to taste her recipes?
who's arms would you feel safe in?
who would hold you tight at night?
who would make your eyes light up?
if i did not exist
who would give you advice & guidance?
who would tell you she's proud of you?
if i did not exist
who would have taught you it's okay to cry?
who would have taught you to be kind?
who would have taught you to embrace yourself?
if i did not exist
i don't know if the world would know it...
but i think it would feel it.

nina Feb 2023

glad that you're gone

sometimes i lie awake and think about
the way the pads of your fingertips
once felt against the softness of my skin
the way your tongue brushed my lips
and i once used to crave every touch
however, when i recall those nights
i am left feeling empty and numb
they no longer offer me an escape
they no longer offer an indulgent fantasy
i sit and think and no longer feel a thing
i was once so afraid to fall out of love with you
but i no longer feel afraid
i feel no pain or longing for what once was
what once was, simply happened
and i realize how much i hung on
to avoid feeling this emptiness you've left behind
however, all i am left thinking is
i have so much room now
to fill with things that make me happy
to fill with self-love and kindness
to fill with gratitude and peace
so much room without you
sometimes i lie awake and think about
how i wish i fell out of love with you sooner

i guess i was wrong about this being unconditional

#healing

nina Jan 2023

ill

black like licorice
& purple like poison
the cloud-like entity takes hold
seeps into the crevices of the mind
whispering to you to end it
it holds you in its pillowy arms
& sways you gently
like a mother holding their child
so comfortable in its cradle
you don't realize you're suffocating
until it's too late to breathe

get help

#bpd

nina Aug 2022

an open letter to my friends

how do i tell you?
how do i put into syllables the roaring of emotions i feel within?
the loneliness that plagues me
the regrets that haunt me
the ache in my chest
& the lack of air when i choke on all the words that are waiting behind my tongue to stumble out that i push back down so that i dont ruin the moment
how do i tell you i miss you?
without it sounding so desperate for connection?
how do i tell you i need you?
without causing you to worry that i should be hospitalized again?
how do i tell you how deeply i love you?
without suffocating you or making you assume it's romantic?
how do i tell you that i cry at your photos?
feeling left behind like a photograph of a memory you no longer have
i radiate with pride for how far you have come, for how beautiful your soul is
& slowly drips in the jealousy of a forgotten feeling, happiness
i can't remember the last time i woke up to feel content & secure within myself
i can't remember the last time i felt loved & grateful for more than a few fleeting seconds
before the imposter syndrome takes over to steal the moment away from me
somewhere deep in the cobwebbed hallways of my mind, i know
i know that you would care that im in pain
that im struggling to stay alive
somehow i know
& yet that very thought is exactly what prevents me from saying a word
you cannot know how hollow i've become
you cannot see the person you once knew wither away before your eyes
how do i tell you how ashamed i am of myself
falling back on all the bad habits you were once so proud i thought i had gotten past
falling victim to the same toxic love i barely escaped before
how do i tell you how desperately i cling to anything that can alleviate the pain for a single day
the food, the shopping, the desire to self destruct constantly looming over my existance
how do i tell you without being vulnerable
what joke could i tell that would reveal it all but keep me in the safety of my aloneness that i have grown to find comfort in
how do i tell you...

#friendship #depression #alone #loneliness #sad

nina Aug 2022

live with it

i'm so much stronger than you know
& if i gotta let you go
well, that's nothing for me
like the pheonix i will rise
from the ashes you left behind
don't worry about me
i always make it out alive

& i'll be back with a vengeance
i promise you
i will ****** every last part of me
that feels any love for you
& when the day comes
that you try to crawl your way back in
you'll have no one, no home to crawl back to

i know that you'll regret
losing the best thing you ever had
angry at yourself for all of your mistakes
wishing things were different
trapped in the confines of your mind
it's a sad sight to see
but a reality you brought upon yourself

so live with it
& leave me out of it

congratulations, you lost me ♥

#ex #angry #hurt #relationships #bye #strength