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 Jul 2015 Nina
OnwardFlame
Wifi
 Jul 2015 Nina
OnwardFlame
I should write and type
A hundred million ******* times
Remember how we fled to the
New York City bathroom
Only to pretend we would
Never really love--
Each other again.

Research, research
I pitch and I pitch
Lets talk about ***.
Lets film and celebrate our *****
A flurry of images
A faux fur coat, how he or he meant the most
It all ended so fast, so soon.
But he's a Leo--he ain't never gonna say
A **** thing back.
Too proud.

A bull in a china shop,
You loved it best
When my favorite glass would shatter
All around us like pixie dust
Or ******* on my fragrant
***--you wanna do everything you can
To forget and quit.

I wish I hadn't bothered to utter a sound
As swarms of love echo around me
"Do not talk to him again."
I don't know what I hoped for.

Sunshine boy wants to give me his all
As I hear murmurs of fields that have been played
I dribble and bounce the ball back
Errybody got somethin' to say
I'm so tired, so tired all the time
Give me that money
Just wanna ink my limbs
Make everything into an artistic palette of sensuality.


Strawberry smoothie,
Stomach always feels so empty
Run, go running, run run
I've run and discovered so much
I wonder if they wonder
Weep a little bit--for the loss
Of me?

Don't lose me.
I don't want to lose you either.
I'm sorry I was selfish today.
Its true--I see eggs from my old fridge
Shattering around me
As my friends can't help but look on and be tickled
But maybe
Everything around me
Maybe I
Don't have to be broken.
 Jun 2015 Nina
OnwardFlame
Sweaty tank top, got that Chicago running fume
I can see him and his kissing lips
Read his poetry, he writes all this poetry
Right next to my side.

Let Freedom Ring!!
I want to exclaim and celebrate
Confetti all around us.
I remember when you came back to the bar
After I so iconically stated:
"I can't live my life worrying about the cops."
****.
I'm so in love with you.

"I love your poem...and you"
I run through Avondale, but men are casing our apartment
Gotta hide camera equipment
In my tomb of clothes
But I put myself in the room, put myself in the room
Can't wait
Manilla envelopes, the size of my head
Mr. Mailman make sure my career
So safely make me stand out.

Coffee and a windy city day
I wish you could have stayed
But I can see you, with your strong legs
Tapping and leaping
Into the air, like you were meant to do
My eloquent and boyish cardinal.

A flurry of "Don't forget me's"
We FaceTime at the approximate o'clock
You know I'm gonna have my dinner bought for me
Kisses to spare
But you leap in the air
While I set fires
On the highest, looming stairs.

I don't think I'll share this one with you
But 43 days--count em' down
I contemplate and pontificate
I just got here.
So I just go here.
You wont, and don't
Be a coward like the rest--
Find me among the flames.
 Jun 2015 Nina
WickedHope
Buy me a bottle of whatever you're drinking
cause I'm trying to bury myself in the grave next to your hollow bones

Pace through the traffic back and forth
Maybe I'm blindfolded or just plain blind

Buy me another bottle of whatever you're drinking
cause I'm tired of pretending I'm at war when all I want is peace

I'm staring at the stars, I followed your eyes there
Now I find myself praying you might shift your gaze
Maybe glance at me when I'm not looking

I'll take another round of whatever you're drinking
cause I'm hoping your skeletons are as dark as they look

Lately it's been too bright to sleep
I can see carpe noctem etched in your fingertips
Like a print: your identity

I'll have another glass of whatever you're drinking
cause I can't think of another way to get close to you

For I'm already buried by your hollow bones

I'll take one last shot of whatever we've been drinking
cause it has to be better than drinking the same old **** alone
I don't feel the same way as I used to, and I'm more apologetic than anything. But ever since I met you, you've been easy to write about.
And I won't consider this fiction, because at another time it was true.
 May 2015 Nina
Emily Tyler
That I'm cute
Beautiful
Pretty

And I tell them that
It's okay that I'm not
Because I know I'm not
But I don't like being lied to

I know I'm not
Because I can't let tears
Drip down my cheeks
As they shimmer in the dim light
Of the movie credits

I sob until
My face is red and damp and puffy
And I'm clinging to your sleeve
And just crying so uncontrollably
That people sitting next to us
In the dark theater
Might glimpse over to see if maybe
I have a reason to cry so hard.

Does shehave cancer?
Is she missing a leg?
Did her crack-addict mother die when she was an infant?
Why is this bratty straight white blonde girl crying while watching Selma/Dallas Buyer's Club/The Help?

I have to brush my hair
Instantly
When I get out of the pool
In the summer
(Hopping from foot to foot of course
Because the sun has baked the concrete)
Because if I don't
It becomes a half-curly knotted mess.

And if I don't braid it directly after that
Then it dries
In resemblance to a Yield Sign
In a somewhat triangular form

And I'm chubby.
Not fat. It would be better if I were fat.
If I were fat then things would be
Proportionalish
But instead I'm just
A 5'2 and 3/4" girl
With DDs that no one wants
Because "***** don't count when you're chubby"
And baby fat that lounges on my stomach
No matter how many kilometers I row.

My fingers are too small for my hands.
My glasses make my eyes look huge.
My lips are forever chapped.
My cheeks are overly red.
My eyes are too dark to be pretty
And I know it.
I know all of it.

I've lived in my body for longer than you have.
So don't lie to me.
Don't tell me that I'm cute
Beautiful
Or god forbid pretty
Because I really
Really
Hate being lied to.
 May 2015 Nina
Emily Tyler
Huggies
 May 2015 Nina
Emily Tyler
It was my cousin's wedding reception,
And I wore some creamy lacey dress
That had to be approved of by my mother
Before I shoved it in a bulging duffel bag to endure the
Six hours of Dunkin Donuts bathroom stops
And that weird stop-and-go traffic that makes me
Feel like the color green.

As I stood at the brim of the dance floor,
Trying to ignore the half-drunk staggering relatives of mine,
I thought about whether it's
Polite to pry your eight inch
Torture-o-thon heels
From your swollen toes
Before anyone else bothers.

There was a boy on the other end of the disco lights,
A silhouette that I knew to be slightly more muscular than the last time I'd seen it.
Just about my age, or maybe eight months older if you had to ask him,
Which I had about thirteen years earlier
With some sand in the crotch of
My Gymboree bathing suit.

I tried my best not to look over.
The lights mostly blinded me,
But I still wished to glance at him to see how straight his teeth were and how his acne had cleared up
Because of
Neutrogena SkinID Plus
Or something.

I could tell that he was looking at me,
At the too short lacey dress
And my straight teeth
And my peachy skin
And I wanted so badly to peek over.

I wanted him to ask me to dance,
Please oh God ask me to dance.

(Of course he didn't.)
He was a shy kid, even at seventeen.
He didn't say a word to me all night,
Even though we'd gone to the beach together
Since I was in Huggies.
This actually happened last week.
 May 2015 Nina
OnwardFlame
Andrew.
 May 2015 Nina
OnwardFlame
Prepare for cocktails
Blue versus green ink
******* tape sits so carefully in the corner
My eyes so heavy but unwilling to slumber.
Sleeping such a chore, but once my eyes are so closed
The light from my windows egg me on.
As I heard myself whimper and coo your name
As though searching, looking for you
Through a walkie talkie
Or a paper cup connected through string
But I knew at the end,
I would never hear your
Answering.

Kitty cat slumbers on 3 suitcases
As I recall how you didn't want to hear my mind
My philosophy
"Have you played out all the scenarios in your mind?"
It never goes the way I fantasize.

Perhaps you won't show up
With your scraggly beard and worn down clothes
A hobo clown, the damsels and I would jest
A silver screen starlet
I imagine us arm in arm
Neck to neck
Tied and tangled
Because neither of us can seem to forget.

Those blue depths I would plummet into
With a short blonde bob
I would cry and cry when your skin
Left mine
I would cry and cry
When I felt neglected by you
Night by night.

But there is something different in the air
Something different in the sea
Something so ******* different in me

"We love each other"
I can almost hear myself say
Lingerie mirroring my face
But just because we love each other
That doesn't make us right for each other
I would so famously,
Say.

I wonder if your knock, kn-kn--kno-knock-knock
Will pound a few times on my door
Like you use to before
When we would laugh and laugh
We never grew bored.

Cat nip and our own fantastical fumes
I was your crack for a while, you still exclaim
I hope I leave you with withdrawal
Always.


But I digress
The cat on all those suitcases--
She soon will belong to another
The suitcases--They will be stacked and packed
Rolling on carpeted floors
A fedora on my head
And new opening doors.

The Goodbye Dinner
You would look at me with that coy
Icicle heart fire grin
As I remember all the times I tried to erase
That face from my mind.

I don't try anymore
I don't fight anymore
I don't erase anymore
I just live.

Maybe this is dumb
Maybe this is the stupidest thing I've ever done
Maybe we are ******* so dumb
"But we love each oth--"
I start to hear myself say, in my day dream
Of us on a roof top
Unable to escape


And then I remember,
I go my own way.
 May 2015 Nina
OnwardFlame
Got that green leafed feeling
In a green grass park
Sorry for being such a nymph
Sorry for denying the love
You have never had before.

It's true
I'm really ******' bored
But I gear up, become so wise
Why tell lies?

I can feel it around me
Like the fathers who flap their hands
As child 1 says "daddy!"
Baseball bat, I just wanted
To eat candy and flirt

I grow my hair
My boots shiny and flaming
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