they make me want to bite my lips raw
put my hands in my hair and tug
that's not me, that person making all of those terrible decisions
I didn't know better
let me go back in time

my brain overtrained in ways to say no, ways to guard my well being
why is it that I never listen to my brain until it's too late, why do I disregard the gut feeling telling me I don't need to drown myself in my terrible habits
that these habits can take everything away from me
my brain is the only thing telling me no
it used to be a whisper, but now it's a stern voice
it's progress but it's nothing in comparison to the rest of my body screaming yes
my heart beating wildly in my chest and my veins burning in my body
when I need reassurance I tell myself just one more time
sometimes I don't even try to hide it, I'm lying to myself and I know it
I'm watching myself act like a ****** in it for the thrill
the funny thing is I know I'm not stupid, I know I'm able
but I'm weak and my body bends at the knees everytime I find a way to get myself off
I act like someone completely different than I feel
I make these decisions wildly, ignoring the sweet, smart girl I am

Regret, binding and drowning
The rough feeling of overwashed blankets and the smell of ***
Warm skin at night only makes me feel colder in the morning

He drew a figure eight on my spine, absentmindedly,
and traced the nape of my neck with his fingertip when he said,
“You are beautiful to me.”

But the ellipsis in the silence spoke louder than he did, and the look in his eye was not born because I was lovely;
It was not because he loved me.

A thing too small for love-
But far too large to be lust;

Simple. Ugly.

He looked at me like he was hungry.

So sweetly he critiqued each curve, every line, blurring my edges with the images of every bent perception pulled from the mire of his mind;

and I
could not
satisfy


Pretty innocence diminished in the grip of his vice,
Pressed tight against my body, despised in dark eyes.
I am not the inhuman creatures you contrived in the middle of the night.
I am not the feminine expression of your ******* pride.

What a wicked crime,
to take a woman’s body and leave the woman behind.

i'll chase the dreams that are part of my control,
and live the rest on fate's parole.
-
i am beyond what
i've perceived of me.
i just have to keep my eyes shut
and complete my journey.
the path ahead lies
my destiny
and i will rise
in order to be free.
-