I have so many secrets,
Secrets I want to tell you,
But I don't know how.
I want to,
But I cant.
I feel that I cant trust you,
Trust you with the information that I hold so dear to me.
I'm afraid.
I dont want to tell you and then you leave.
Think I'm weird,
And just go.
And then all the progress I would have made,
The progress within my secrets,
It will have vanished.
So now I sit,
Alone,
Silent.
Holding all my secrets on the inside.

Sometimes I feel that I'm in my own hell,
But I know that Heaven is still there.
I know that someones up there,
Watching out for me.
I know.
I have moments where I feel ridiculous.
Like I have someone elses perspective.
I see myself as a silly child.
A monster...
I tell myself,
"Just cheer up."
"Your life is good."
"What do you have to worry about?"
But then I go back to seeing me the way I always do...
I dont want to be like this.

What is poetry?
Poetry is more than just words.
Its more than letters on paper.
Its a persons soul.
They transfer their soul into words,
So that they can express themselves.
Its not stupid,
And it doesn't make them a *****.
It makes them beautiful.

I heart you.

Why do we talk in hearts?
Can we not say love?
So we must talk in a symbol.
Heart,
I heart you,
Not I love you.

Why do we make hearts on our papers?
They're not the easiest shape,
But still not difficult.
But why not draw a circle?

Why do we draw hearts?
When hearts symbolize love?
And we dont love the work that we put hearts all over,
In fact,
We despise it.

Why do we put hearts beside our names?
Did it suddenly become a must have in our signature?
Are we that in love with ourselves?
How coincided does that prove us to be?

I don’t want to be sober.
I don’t want to have to be sober.
But I want to be healthy and if I can’t control my drinking then I need help.
Self control has never been what I’m best at.
I want to go out to the bars with my friends and enjoy alcohol that way.
Not drink myself into the next dimension at 1am so that I don’t **** myself.
I want to tell my parents.
But I can’t stand the thought of adding another reason for them to be disappointed in me.
I’m not ready for the accountability and pressure of someone breathing down my neck.
I don’t want to be sober.
I just want to be normal.

The pains within my chest
Are nothing but the physical representation
Of my broken
Aching heart.

This is my plead,
My cry for help.
I need help.
I need you.
I dont want to need you,
But I do...
If not,
I dont know what will happen.
I dont want help,
But I need it.
This is my cry for help,
Help me before I change my mind.

If I could draw a picture to describe Heaven,
Then I would but I can't and maybe that's Gods will,
The grace of beyond shouldn't be bestowed upon all eyes,
But with the preview I saw with my departed loved ones,
In that tiny white room
With my grandfather in the corner,
Observing...
Curious for someone who is yet to be departed.

I've fell before,
Into her arms,
And she caught me,
But then quickly dropped me,
Like the nothing that I am.
I'm about to fall again.
The rope's about to break.
Is it safe to fall,
Into her loving arms,
For one last time,
Is it safe to fall again?

I chose the steps as my place to write
Because the steps are my place where I sit and think night after night.
My never ending thoughts of blood pouring from my arm
Physically inflicting myself with enough harm
To end this life all together
Because let's be honest nothing lasts forever.
But tonight my steps are an analogy
For everything that could possibly be
Because although they are nothing but a stairwell
They paint a mental picture for me of descending into hell.
I know it's only to the basement that they lead
But I panic and begin to plead;
"Dear God if you would
Free my soul from only the things that you could.
I feel that my sins have caused too much heart ache
That maybe it would be a mistake
To help me at all."
Because I'm just a simple girl who took a great fall
Out of my saviors hands
And into the corrupted land.
Night after night I say I apologize
But I feel that it's nothing but lies
Because I only repeat the same sins
Without change time and time again.
And yet I still ask for forgiveness
To create this temporary internal bliss
That will flee my heart
Faster than a flying dart.
Because my mind is black
Tainted too much to ever go back
To it's original form.
Therefore I am stuck in a dorm
With death as my lover and roommate
And a nightly date.
Time to get ready
Because me and death, we're going steady.

My weapon of choice,
Tonight,
Is a pen,
So pardon me while I write.
Its not a blade,
Its not a light.
Its not smoke held from my lips,
Just words that are held before my sight.
You should be proud of me,
For what I didn't do tonight.
Because for once in my life,
I did what's right.

This is not the life that I expected,
Its not the outcome that I had planned,
Or wanted.
But its here,
And it happening.
I'm going to make it work,
And greet it with a smile,
And let nothing hold me back.

If I could show you the world,
Would you go with me?
Would you be daring enough,
To take that crucial first step,
Out into the light,
And out into love?

Because darling,
I can show you the world.
A world in the way in which you never thought imaginable.
A different world,
With no shame,
No hate.

This world,
This is what I see when I look at you.
Let me show you,
This magnificent world,
That I see in you.

I see a pattern of you choosing him over me time and time again and yet its always me you come running to with tears streaming down your face.

I am so tired.
I wake up every day more exhausted than the last.
I’m tired of fighting my body,
Through a war I know I cannot win.
I feel like I’m constantly fighting gravity just to stand on my own two feet.
I don’t trust myself when I’m alone,
And I only feel alive when I’m with you,
So please don’t get mad if I hug you a little bit longer,
Or ask to hold your hand,
Because I am so tired
And you are what I’m fighting for.

The darkness can creep around you
And hold you
Like you would a grieving loved one
But it can also hold you
Like a prisoner
And you will be traped
Within the stronghold
Of darkness.

I just want to hide,
From the entire world,
Sit there in my room,
And cry.
I want to be alone,
But I don't trust me by myself.

I’m tired of writing poems about suicide. I want to write about the trees, how they dance in the wind, and how mother nature’s artistry shows through the leaves as autumn approaches. But it’s hard to write about the beauty of this world when every thought is consuming you, telling you to leave.

Lets go back to the beginning,
Back to before I knew you,
And before you knew me,
Back to when you were just a familiar face,
Back to when we were practically strangers.
We need a reset.

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder."
Or at least thats what they say.
What a beautiful world it must be to the blind.

With all the things I say,
If you listen close enough,
To the words coming from my mouth,
And then read my poems,
Is there much difference?

I wanted to write a poem about how I felt.
I sat there with a pen in my hand
And a blank piece of paper.

I then realized that was exactly how I felt.
And I was done.

Suicide
Understaning. Don't think that people don't understand, because they do.
I** love you. People love you.
Care. Care about your life. It's important, I promise.
Inform. Inform other people of what you're going through. They cant help you if they dont know.
Don't think to fast. You only get one life. Don't end it with one bad thought.
Eventually everyone feels like you do. You're not alone.

You cant go.
Please don't go.
I would die.
I would cease to exist,
Because I would follow you.
If you are to go,
Within a matter of weeks,
I would be gone too.
Because without you,
Why is it worth it?
You are so beautiful,
You're my world.
But my world needs to keep spinning.
When I hug you,
I put my head on your chest,
And I can feel your heartbeat.
Oh lord,
Please,
Never let the day come,
To where I cant no longer hear that song.
The song that your heart sings to me.

We all have secrets,
Anybody can have secrets,
But are they ***** secrets?

The ones that you never speak of,
Or the ones that make you giggle,
Or blush,
Just thinking about them.

I have ***** secrets,
Don't you?

I write my poems out of despair and now that I am happy, my inspiration has vanished. No matter how poetical I may be.

Shh,
Dont speak.
Treasure this moment,
Hold on to it,
Then file it in your memories,
You never know when we will have the possibility of this moment again.
So dont speak,
Just shut your lips,
And come in close.
Treasure this moment,
Forever and always.

Some might say that poetry is a beauty
An artistic masterpiece
Crafted by a person with magic
Flowing from their fingertips
Others might say that poetry is the sky
Dark at times
But always beautiful with something new each day
And each cloud having its own story to tell.
To me, poetry is my soul.
It's the journal
Of my journey
Called life
It's my outlet
My way of expressing words
Onto paper
Rather than from my mouth
In the most elegant and graceful
Way possible.
I am not a poet.
I am poetry.

As I wrote before,
"Pardon me while I write,
Because for once in my life I did whats right."
And "My weapon of choice is a pen."
This time,
Pardon me while I cry,
Because if I don't....
I wont do whats right.
I wont write.
I'll draw.

With you by my side,
the world is calm,
and for once,
no thoughts of death.
You put my aching mind to rest.

People say that the window to the soul is through the eyes, but the door to the soul is through the words.

Depression,
Sadness; gloom; dejection.
Depression cannot particularly be described in words.
With depression you're suffering,
And suffocating.
Its like you're a fish,
In a bag,
With holes in it,
And all the water is slowly draining out,
Waiting for your life to go with the water out of the holes.
Its like you're in a cage,
On display.
You have to smile,
And put on a show,
But its all an act,
And you're dying inside.
Depression is also where you cant move.
You're laying in bed,
And you physically cant get up,
Because all your energy is going into breathing.
This is what depression is.

We sneak around,
Trying not to make a sound.
Our love is forbidden,
And it must stay hidden.
For you are important to me,
You are my love.

Dont let them see you cry,
You cant be that weak,
Not in front of them.

Dry your eyes,
Straighten up your back,
And stiffen up your upper lip.

Show them what you're made of,
And how strong you are,
Not how broken.

Pull down those sleeves,
Do you want them to see your cuts?
They're living proof of the mental pain.

Dont be stupid,
You know how to act,
Be an actress.

Dont let them see the real you,
The one that inside is crumbled up,
Be strong.

Ohh...
Another year has passed?
How little I've grown.
How little I've changed.
Another year down the drain.
I'm just the same as the year before.
Sad,
Depressed,
Upset,
Broken...
But smiling,
Just like always.

Dont blame me if I just stop talking,
To everyone.
Dont blame me if I never speak to you again.
Its not my fault.
I cant stand to look at you anymore.
I'm going away,
There will be no more...
No more of me.
Dont blame me,
If when you try to talk to me,
I turn the other way.
I've been hurt too much,
I'm trying to protect myself.

What happens when life turns to hell and
even heaven has that offset view
of hells gates deceiving
Trickery, mockery.
Heavens lights are dimming
Hells fire is burning ever more.

"What the **** did I just do?"
That line keeps repeating over and over in my head.
It made me so happy,
But the guilt is eating me alive.
What the **** did I just do?
And why did I do it?

Tonight is one of the nights that make me wish that I wouldn't have stopped.
I need it.
Tonight,
I need it.
I need its warm embrace.
I need to feel the cool metal as it goes across my skin,
And then the warm rush I get afterwards.
I need it,
And I cant do it.

I am a quiet ticking time bomb to self destruction.

These are the things that I wish for you-
I wish that you will always find a friend to lead you from the darkness, and into the light.
That you will find the strength to hold on and overcome.
That you find a way to smile, even when things seem to be doomed.
I wish that you find love in the arms of someone who loves you even more than I do.
That you learn to love yourself,
That you will find your path to happiness.
I wish that you will figure out who you are, and who you want to be.
That you are confident in yourself.
That people learn to love you just as much as I do, because you deserve it.

Thank God for rainy autumn mornings,
where the mist lies just above the amber leaves,
Lord, for the dragging dreary days,
to remind me of your peace.
For the mountains that blend into the sky,
like an ocean on the darkening horizon,
the morning turns to day, and the day turns to night,
then you emerge, God, showing your stars like diamonds.

If her eyes are dead,
Then her soul is dead,
And if her soul is dead, what's the point in living anyways.
Just a corpse wasting air,
Wasting breath.
Let the girl rest in peace.

There's nothing more I can hide from you.
Only the secrets that are kept between me and God,
And the devil of course,
That no other soul knows.
I assume that you assume things,
Just by my past,
That could be expected from someone who is...was gay.
Secrets of love and ***,
But that's an expected unextraordinary story that could be told by any teenager of today.
You've seen me raw,
With an innermost secret I wished to stay hidden.
But here I am.
No more acting for you,
Or being who you want me to be.
I'm just me now. You know.
Love me or hate me.

We may not know why,
Or how,
Or anything about the life we were given,
Other than the obvious fact that it was given to us,
And its ours,
But it can easily be taken away,
By many unexpected things.
We have so much knowledge of it,
But so little understanding.
We take it for grated,
But we'll want it the most when its taken from us,
In our sleep,
Or on the way to school,
Never to be returned again.
Be thankful for what was given to you,
And dont dwell to terribly much on the little fact of not understanding,
Accept it,
Love it,
Cherish it.
Because while you're taking life for granted,
Somebody else is fighting for another breath,
And another,
They've just lost their war.
A war that you don't have to face,
Not yet.

I look in the mirror,
and what do I see?
I see pain.
I see no beauty,
Only an ugly face,
And a fat body.
I see red marks all over my legs,
And on the inside of my arms,
They're ugly.
They're imperfections.
And then I feel horrible,
So horrible to the point that I make more,
And more,
And more.
And then I feel even more hideous.
It feels like a never ending cycle.

Momma, Daddy,
Im sorry.
Im sorry Im not the girl you wanted me to be.
The one who grows up to marry a good Christian boy.
Im sorry its not gonna end up that way.
Because your baby girl,
Likes girls herself,
And not by option.
I would give anything just to be normal,
And make you proud.
Your baby girl aint gonna grow up to marry that boy you want me to,
The good old Christian one...
Shes gonna grow up to marry a girl,
And shes gonna fight the crazy Christians every step of the way.
I wish I liked boys as much as girls.
I wish I was the way you want me to be.
But Im not.
And Im sorry.
But Im not going to change,
By anything you say,
Because trust me,
Anything you can and will say,
Ive already said to myself.
But all thats left is say now is...
Im sorry.