Everything happens for a reason,
Sometimes for a good reason,
Other times...
Not so much.
But from each thing that happens,
You learn.
Each experience we endure,
There is a lesson to be taught.
You can take that lesson to heart,
Or you can completely ignore it.
Its all up to you.
But everything happens for a reason,
So dont dwell,
Dont sorrow,
It will all turn out ok,
In the big picture that is life.

I chose the steps as my place to write
Because the steps are my place where I sit and think night after night.
My never ending thoughts of blood pouring from my arm
Physically inflicting myself with enough harm
To end this life all together
Because let's be honest nothing lasts forever.
But tonight my steps are an analogy
For everything that could possibly be
Because although they are nothing but a stairwell
They paint a mental picture for me of descending into hell.
I know it's only to the basement that they lead
But I panic and begin to plead;
"Dear God if you would
Free my soul from only the things that you could.
I feel that my sins have caused too much heart ache
That maybe it would be a mistake
To help me at all."
Because I'm just a simple girl who took a great fall
Out of my saviors hands
And into the corrupted land.
Night after night I say I apologize
But I feel that it's nothing but lies
Because I only repeat the same sins
Without change time and time again.
And yet I still ask for forgiveness
To create this temporary internal bliss
That will flee my heart
Faster than a flying dart.
Because my mind is black
Tainted too much to ever go back
To it's original form.
Therefore I am stuck in a dorm
With death as my lover and roommate
And a nightly date.
Time to get ready
Because me and death, we're going steady.

A week ago today I got the news,
A friend of mine had been killed in a car crash,
Along with a boy from my school,
And two other friends were injured.
On Wednesday the whole school had a memorial for anyone who wanted to say goodbye.
I wasn't ready to.
And I'm still not. I feel weak.

What is poetry?
Poetry is more than just words.
Its more than letters on paper.
Its a persons soul.
They transfer their soul into words,
So that they can express themselves.
Its not stupid,
And it doesn't make them a *****.
It makes them beautiful.

We sit there,
And talk,
For hours on end.
And the entire time we're together,
I just want to kiss you.

"Whats wrong?"
They ask.
"Nothing."
I say.
"I'm fine."
"You don't look fine."
They say.
"Then quit looking."

If I could show you the world,
Would you go with me?
Would you be daring enough,
To take that crucial first step,
Out into the light,
And out into love?

Because darling,
I can show you the world.
A world in the way in which you never thought imaginable.
A different world,
With no shame,
No hate.

This world,
This is what I see when I look at you.
Let me show you,
This magnificent world,
That I see in you.

I wanted to write a poem about how I felt.
I sat there with a pen in my hand
And a blank piece of paper.

I then realized that was exactly how I felt.
And I was done.

I'm homesick for a land where I've not yet lived.
I'm yearning for a change to bliss
Peacefulness
The kind that's only obtained when the remnants of this life are 6 feet under.

Suicide
Understaning. Don't think that people don't understand, because they do.
I** love you. People love you.
Care. Care about your life. It's important, I promise.
Inform. Inform other people of what you're going through. They cant help you if they dont know.
Don't think to fast. You only get one life. Don't end it with one bad thought.
Eventually everyone feels like you do. You're not alone.

All around me.
They surround me.
My demons,
They're everywhere.
Some are inside my head,
But others are not.
Some are people.
People who cause me harm,
Or heart ache,
They are demons too.
But they're the ones I cant push aside.
Or make go away.
Because I love them?
Those demons in my head,
They're sometimes my friends,
And my friends...
They're sometimes my demons.

I trusted you,
I gave you my heart,
And you broke it.
Its shattered.
Broken,
Beyond repair.

Sometimes I feel that I'm in my own hell,
But I know that Heaven is still there.
I know that someones up there,
Watching out for me.
I know.
I have moments where I feel ridiculous.
Like I have someone elses perspective.
I see myself as a silly child.
A monster...
I tell myself,
"Just cheer up."
"Your life is good."
"What do you have to worry about?"
But then I go back to seeing me the way I always do...
I dont want to be like this.

This is my plead,
My cry for help.
I need help.
I need you.
I dont want to need you,
But I do...
If not,
I dont know what will happen.
I dont want help,
But I need it.
This is my cry for help,
Help me before I change my mind.

I see a pattern of you choosing him over me time and time again and yet its always me you come running to with tears streaming down your face.

If I could draw a picture to describe Heaven,
Then I would but I can't and maybe that's Gods will,
The grace of beyond shouldn't be bestowed upon all eyes,
But with the preview I saw with my departed loved ones,
In that tiny white room
With my grandfather in the corner,
Observing...
Curious for someone who is yet to be departed.

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder."
Or at least thats what they say.
What a beautiful world it must be to the blind.

I heart you.

Why do we talk in hearts?
Can we not say love?
So we must talk in a symbol.
Heart,
I heart you,
Not I love you.

Why do we make hearts on our papers?
They're not the easiest shape,
But still not difficult.
But why not draw a circle?

Why do we draw hearts?
When hearts symbolize love?
And we dont love the work that we put hearts all over,
In fact,
We despise it.

Why do we put hearts beside our names?
Did it suddenly become a must have in our signature?
Are we that in love with ourselves?
How coincided does that prove us to be?

This is not the life that I expected,
Its not the outcome that I had planned,
Or wanted.
But its here,
And it happening.
I'm going to make it work,
And greet it with a smile,
And let nothing hold me back.

Thank God for rainy autumn mornings,
where the mist lies just above the amber leaves,
Lord, for the dragging dreary days,
to remind me of your peace.
For the mountains that blend into the sky,
like an ocean on the darkening horizon,
the morning turns to day, and the day turns to night,
then you emerge, God, showing your stars like diamonds.

My weapon of choice,
Tonight,
Is a pen,
So pardon me while I write.
Its not a blade,
Its not a light.
Its not smoke held from my lips,
Just words that are held before my sight.
You should be proud of me,
For what I didn't do tonight.
Because for once in my life,
I did what's right.

I like my body when it's with you. You make me feel perfectly imperfect. You're my greatest cheerleader and my worst critic. You know me better than anyone else. You've seen me at my worst, and somehow still want to stick around to see me at my best. You hold the roadmap to my body, knowing every curve, taking some at 110 miles per hour. You know my boundaries and you push my limits. I feel on top of the world when I'm with you. There are days where I'm starved for your touch, the same one that makes me feel loved. You took the quiet girl and made her scream. "Scream for daddy." I've told you once, and I'll say it again. You've got me ******. I've tried. I can't kiss anyone else without thinking of you. You're my best friend, and I wouldn't trade you for the world. But you've got me ******. You make me want to scream in frustration, in excitement, in moans of pleasure, in gasps of pain. Your hands feel like lightning and they're just as powerful with each strike. You take my breath away in a heartbeat. Each shake of my leg is beg for your touch. Is that what I have to do? Beg? Please daddy, harder. You make me want you in every way.

Some might say that poetry is a beauty
An artistic masterpiece
Crafted by a person with magic
Flowing from their fingertips
Others might say that poetry is the sky
Dark at times
But always beautiful with something new each day
And each cloud having its own story to tell.
To me, poetry is my soul.
It's the journal
Of my journey
Called life
It's my outlet
My way of expressing words
Onto paper
Rather than from my mouth
In the most elegant and graceful
Way possible.
I am not a poet.
I am poetry.

Lets go back to the beginning,
Back to before I knew you,
And before you knew me,
Back to when you were just a familiar face,
Back to when we were practically strangers.
We need a reset.

I just want to hide,
From the entire world,
Sit there in my room,
And cry.
I want to be alone,
But I don't trust me by myself.

You cant go.
Please don't go.
I would die.
I would cease to exist,
Because I would follow you.
If you are to go,
Within a matter of weeks,
I would be gone too.
Because without you,
Why is it worth it?
You are so beautiful,
You're my world.
But my world needs to keep spinning.
When I hug you,
I put my head on your chest,
And I can feel your heartbeat.
Oh lord,
Please,
Never let the day come,
To where I cant no longer hear that song.
The song that your heart sings to me.

With you by my side,
the world is calm,
and for once,
no thoughts of death.
You put my aching mind to rest.

With all the things I say,
If you listen close enough,
To the words coming from my mouth,
And then read my poems,
Is there much difference?

We all have secrets,
Anybody can have secrets,
But are they ***** secrets?

The ones that you never speak of,
Or the ones that make you giggle,
Or blush,
Just thinking about them.

I have ***** secrets,
Don't you?

Ohh...
Another year has passed?
How little I've grown.
How little I've changed.
Another year down the drain.
I'm just the same as the year before.
Sad,
Depressed,
Upset,
Broken...
But smiling,
Just like always.

To my sobriety:
I am afraid.
But I am brave.
I hate you.
But I will not misbehave.
I am broken.
I am determined.
I am tempted.
But I maintain my distance from bourbon.
For once my mind is clear.
But there’s a new kind of turmoil in my head.
I’m afraid of the fire.
But I have made my bed.

I write my poems out of despair and now that I am happy, my inspiration has vanished. No matter how poetical I may be.

If her eyes are dead,
Then her soul is dead,
And if her soul is dead, what's the point in living anyways.
Just a corpse wasting air,
Wasting breath.
Let the girl rest in peace.

People say that the window to the soul is through the eyes, but the door to the soul is through the words.

Shh,
Dont speak.
Treasure this moment,
Hold on to it,
Then file it in your memories,
You never know when we will have the possibility of this moment again.
So dont speak,
Just shut your lips,
And come in close.
Treasure this moment,
Forever and always.

There's nothing more I can hide from you.
Only the secrets that are kept between me and God,
And the devil of course,
That no other soul knows.
I assume that you assume things,
Just by my past,
That could be expected from someone who is...was gay.
Secrets of love and ***,
But that's an expected unextraordinary story that could be told by any teenager of today.
You've seen me raw,
With an innermost secret I wished to stay hidden.
But here I am.
No more acting for you,
Or being who you want me to be.
I'm just me now. You know.
Love me or hate me.

As I wrote before,
"Pardon me while I write,
Because for once in my life I did whats right."
And "My weapon of choice is a pen."
This time,
Pardon me while I cry,
Because if I don't....
I wont do whats right.
I wont write.
I'll draw.

I look in the mirror,
and what do I see?
I see pain.
I see no beauty,
Only an ugly face,
And a fat body.
I see red marks all over my legs,
And on the inside of my arms,
They're ugly.
They're imperfections.
And then I feel horrible,
So horrible to the point that I make more,
And more,
And more.
And then I feel even more hideous.
It feels like a never ending cycle.

Dont blame me if I just stop talking,
To everyone.
Dont blame me if I never speak to you again.
Its not my fault.
I cant stand to look at you anymore.
I'm going away,
There will be no more...
No more of me.
Dont blame me,
If when you try to talk to me,
I turn the other way.
I've been hurt too much,
I'm trying to protect myself.

These are the things that I wish for you-
I wish that you will always find a friend to lead you from the darkness, and into the light.
That you will find the strength to hold on and overcome.
That you find a way to smile, even when things seem to be doomed.
I wish that you find love in the arms of someone who loves you even more than I do.
That you learn to love yourself,
That you will find your path to happiness.
I wish that you will figure out who you are, and who you want to be.
That you are confident in yourself.
That people learn to love you just as much as I do, because you deserve it.

I am a quiet ticking time bomb to self destruction.

We sneak around,
Trying not to make a sound.
Our love is forbidden,
And it must stay hidden.
For you are important to me,
You are my love.

Dont let them see you cry,
You cant be that weak,
Not in front of them.

Dry your eyes,
Straighten up your back,
And stiffen up your upper lip.

Show them what you're made of,
And how strong you are,
Not how broken.

Pull down those sleeves,
Do you want them to see your cuts?
They're living proof of the mental pain.

Dont be stupid,
You know how to act,
Be an actress.

Dont let them see the real you,
The one that inside is crumbled up,
Be strong.

Tonight is one of the nights that make me wish that I wouldn't have stopped.
I need it.
Tonight,
I need it.
I need its warm embrace.
I need to feel the cool metal as it goes across my skin,
And then the warm rush I get afterwards.
I need it,
And I cant do it.

I don't know how to express to you in a non-toxic way that you make me want to **** myself. And I know that isn't your responsibility to carry, but I swore there was some part of you that cared about me.

You are not physically sick.
--- Its anxiety making you sick.
You are not lazy, you are not pathetic.
--- Its depression whispering in your ear.
Everyone does not hate you.
--- You are just insecure and fear abandonment.

Reasons to stay alive:
1. It would hurt those close to me.
2. No more adventures.
3. I would miss graduating from college.
4. I would miss out on my future family.
5. Because I promised.

You can't just lock people out of your life every time something goes wrong. Instead, set your boundaries and discuss them with the people in your life. You can't get mad at people for crossing boundaries they didn't know where there to begin with.

Change does not come from a place of comfort.

You won't be sad for the rest of your life. Yes, there will be sad days, but there will also be happy ones. Live for the memories you have yet to make.

Depression,
Sadness; gloom; dejection.
Depression cannot particularly be described in words.
With depression you're suffering,
And suffocating.
Its like you're a fish,
In a bag,
With holes in it,
And all the water is slowly draining out,
Waiting for your life to go with the water out of the holes.
Its like you're in a cage,
On display.
You have to smile,
And put on a show,
But its all an act,
And you're dying inside.
Depression is also where you cant move.
You're laying in bed,
And you physically cant get up,
Because all your energy is going into breathing.
This is what depression is.