There are so many ways,
So many empty ways to say 1 word.
Sorry.
Am I sorry?
Do I really mean it?
I want them to think I mean it.
I dont mean it.
If I did,
The act would feel shameful,
But it doesn't.
Only their faces...
When they stare at me.
They stare like I'm a monster.
Am I?

Drip,
Drip,
Drip...
There it goes,
Another drop of life.

Just a kiss
To say goodbye
But instead I said hello
To painful memories
That I had already said goodbye to
Long long ago

I have moments where I feel that my world is spinning out of control,
That I'm spinning down a hole,
But not to Wonderland.

The only thing that soothes my aching heart,
Is when we are not apart.
I feel a need to be back in her arms.

Music is my escape,
And my way out of the world.
With every emotion I feel,
There's a song that's just right for it...
Except for one emotion.
There's all these songs about love,
But only a few about girls who had loved other girls.
I'm in search for the perfect one,
Something I may have to create myself.

The loss of a friend,
Physical heartbreak.
Hes gone.
Never to return.
Goodbye Max.
You will be missed.

As a kid, at about 6 or so, my father and I would go down to the lake and skip rocks.
At first mine would only go a few skips, but my fathers would go nearly 30.
Then I practiced and practiced.
By the time I was 7, I could make it to 15 skips.
By 8 I was at 25 skips.
By 9 mine could go farther than my fathers.
It was that day when my rock went 30 skips that I gazed wide eyed at the world.
I sat on the bank and stared at the lake.
I looked up at my father and asked a very dramatic question for a 9 year old.
"What is the meaning to life? Why do we live?"
Puzzled my dad asked "What do you mean?"
I responded with " I just spent 3 years trying to beat you, at skipping a rock across water of all things. So why?"
Still to this day 7 years later I don't have an answer to that question.

You are my friend,
And I love you.
I would do anything for you.
I'm here for you when you need help,
Just as you are for me.
I know you're holding on by a thread,
But I wont let you fall.
And if you do,
Which you wont,
I will go get you.
I will travel to the depths of hell,
And pull you back up out of the flames,
And on to the clouds.
Cloud nine.
Because thats what friends do.

I once was broken,
But now I’m healed.
My life was ruined,
Down in the deeps.
You broke my heart,
It shattered like glass.
My angel made me better,
No thanks to you.
I have someone now,
To fill in the hole.
When you left,
So did my pain.
My pain is gone.
My heart is healed.
I am now happy,
All thanks to my angel.
I would have never met my angel if not for you,
And for that,
My dear,
I must thank you.

There comes a moment,
When you're too broken,
And you're laying on your bed,
Flat on your stomach,
With your head to the side,
And your limbs sprawled out,
Like a fallen ****** victim.
With your music up as loud as it can go,
With people screaming at you,
That you just break down.
Breathe in,
And hyperventilate it back out.
Take a moment,
To be broken.

Such a bad,
Sad,
And terrible thing...
When somebody says,
"Its great to finally see your smiling face."
Shes known me for years.
But she never sees it,
Because I'm never smiling.

If I was to tell you,
How I felt about you...
Would you be upset?
Would you turn and hide?
Would you treat me any different?
Or would you possibly,
Hopefully,
Impossibly,
Tell me you felt the same way,
About me.
You're the guy,
The mystery one,
That I talk about to my friends.
They act shocked,
That I actually like a guy.
I don't see you as a guy,
I just see you as a person I love.

Slowly I changed,
Bit by bit,
I became what I really wanted to be.
Now that I'm what I want,
I need to be open with it,
And have crucial pride in myself.

I'm burning.
I'm in hell.
I feel removed,
Almost like I'm watching a movie.
Watching everything buzz around me.
I'm not sure how long I can stay...
Good?
Clean?
I'm slipping back.
I don't want to.
But I am.
"I can't escape this hell,
So many times I've tried."
Can somebody please...
Please.
Just listen to those lyrics.
Get me through this hell.
I need help,
I need out,
Please.

I have anxiety for the fact that anxiety will be the death if me.

Nine razors at access but
I only need one
To **** myself with.

Things I ask myself,
They have already been asked to me by others dear.
But no matter the asker,
My answer remains the same.
Would I go all the way with you?
Follow you to the end of the world?
Would I?
With no gaurentee that you wouldnt just shake me off and go on with your life like I was  never even there.
I don't have that gaurentee...
Would I follow you to the end of the world?
Just on the basis of a delusion,
That I think was falsly approved.

The nights of the bitter cold winter,
Leave me lying awake in pain.
But they dont come close to being able to compare,
The pain that you left me in my heart.

Who am I?
What am I?
The way she makes me feel,
Its just...
Wow.
She makes me feel alive,
And new.
No man has ever done that for me.
It makes me wonder...
Who am I?
What am I?

I like my body when it's with you. You make me feel perfectly imperfect. You're my greatest cheerleader and my worst critic. You know me better than anyone else. You've seen me at my worst, and somehow still want to stick around to see me at my best. You hold the roadmap to my body, knowing every curve, taking some at 110 miles per hour. You know my boundaries and you push my limits. I feel on top of the world when I'm with you. There are days where I'm starved for your touch, the same one that makes me feel loved. You took the quiet girl and made her scream. "Scream for daddy." I've told you once, and I'll say it again. You've got me ******. I've tried. I can't kiss anyone else without thinking of you. You're my best friend, and I wouldn't trade you for the world. But you've got me ******. You make me want to scream in frustration, in excitement, in moans of pleasure, in gasps of pain. Your hands feel like lightning and they're just as powerful with each strike. You take my breath away in a heartbeat. Each shake of my leg is beg for your touch. Is that what I have to do? Beg? Please daddy, harder. You make me want you in every way.

I cant focus,
On anything.
I cant think,
Or remember.
And its all your fault.
I cant breathe when you're around...
I sound miserable right?
Quite the contrary.
When I'm with you,
I'm happy,
And my world is perfect.

Dear God,
Are you there?
If you are,
Please hear me out.
I'm not perfect,
And you've already done so much for me,
But please do this.
Please save her.
Please make her healthy,
Because I'm scared,
Lord.
And I'm turning to you,
Because our worldly things aren't enough.

My heart is exploding into a million pieces.
Shes more of a drug
More addicting than ****** could ever be.

Lets take this rope,
lets slip it around my neck.
Lets take the leap of a life time,
and jump off the chair to the floor,
only 3 feet away.
Lets take a moment,
say thank you,
and say a prayer,
say goodbye,
with one last breath.
Lets jump,
and lets dangle.
Let the light fade away,
and let the dark take control.

Lets take these scars and turn them into art,
Into beauty.
Lets take something ugly and make it beautiful.
Lets take our story and make a novel.
Lets live out our fairy tale.

To my sobriety:
I am afraid.
But I am brave.
I hate you.
But I will not misbehave.
I am broken.
I am determined.
I am tempted.
But I maintain my distance from bourbon.
For once my mind is clear.
But there’s a new kind of turmoil in my head.
I’m afraid of the fire.
But I have made my bed.

You broke my heart,
Not once,
But over and over again.
Dont come crawling back,
And expect another chance,
Because I cant forgive you,
Not this time.

You stupid little girl,
You should have known.
You should have protected your heart.
You should have locked it up,
And threw away the key,
So no one could hurt you.
But,
You didn't.
You let him in.
You let him love you,
And hold you,
And then he left.
He tore your heart right out of your chest,
And left nothing but a shell.
Now you're sitting there,
Tired,
Betrayed,
Heart broken,
Lost,
And just plain broken inside.
So there,
Stupid little girl?...
Will you ever love again?

Today is day number 18.
It may not seem that long,
Or that big of a number,
But it is for me.
At one point,
I couldn't make it one day without...
Doing that.
18 days clean.
Tomorrow will be 19,
And then 20,
And then before I know it,
It will be a month,
A month clean,
And free.
No more need for the the blades,
And the blood.
The need and the hunger,
Its becoming weak,
And fading away,
As I'm becoming strong.

Why am I still here?
Why am I still breathing?

Death is a scary thing,
For everyone.
Its another step in the process of life,
Going into the unknown,
And never being able to return.
There's no opt out of death,
And frankly,
That scares the **** out of me.

What is this?
What can it be?
For I love you...
I think.
I'm terribly confused.
You act as though you love me....
But do you?
I didn't think it was possible.
I didn't think I was your "type".

Every year something goes wrong.
Every ******* year.
Is it so hard to not fight?
To not get hurt?
To not be mad at the people you love,
For just one day?
I dont want to be in the family anymore.
Today it is Thanksgiving...
So Santa,
I have a Christmas request.
Please fix my family,
Or get me a new one.

I thought they were hidden so well,
I thought I was doing a good job,
Apparently not.
She saw them,
And now I'm scared.

I have changed throughout the years,
Physically,
Mentally,
Spiritually,
And socially.
Day by day,
Only a little bit changed,
But if you look back over the years,
I'm not the same person.

The way you make me feel,
Its magical.
It's like a spell.
It's like I'm in a trance.
It makes me feel completed,
And in a bliss happiness.

I believe in the afterlife
But only to a certain extent
For me it all just seems like Hell.

Its that moment when you realize you'll never see her again,
you realize how much she really meant to you.
"Only know you love her when you let her go."

Just let me go
To the place
Where one day I will call my home
Let me go
To a place
Where I will no longer feel alone
Let me go
To the place
Where nothing but love is shown
Just let me go
To that place
And my body be nothing but bone.
Just let me go.

I cant find her page and I cant find her pictures.
Im losing what the sight of what her face looked like.
Not only her did I lose,
But now Im losing memories.
Its getting harder to remember those little conversations we had.
I miss her.
Results of a teenage suicide.

I don't know how to express to you in a non-toxic way that you make me want to **** myself. And I know that isn't your responsibility to carry, but I swore there was some part of you that cared about me.

Be strong, be thin, be smart, be small.
No food.
You're not really hungry you just think you are.
Don't eat. It's not worth it.
You're at fat ***. That's what you see and what others around you see.
Your image and how others see you is worth more than a meal.
Be an actress.
The greatest act you will ever put on is making people think you're happy living life this way.
100 down.
100 more to go.
Strive on and stay strong.

I'm sorry that it made you cry,
I didn't mean to hurt you.
Maybe its best to say goodbye,
Before I REALLY hurt you.

You say you're sorry?
Stop.
Just stop.
Its only empty words,
And lies.
You're not sorry,
You never were,
And you never will be.

And I sit here wondering what all happened here before
Because you see
Mirrors tell a story
To the select few
Who tune into their energy enough to listen.
the mirrors tell two different stories one of the present
and just reflects everything being told.
And one of the past
that tells everything ever shown.
A mirror records all energy
ever witnessed
And a mirror doesn't lie.

Dream?
Floating through the air,
Looking at the sun.
It feels like a dream,
But it's not.
I'm on a cloud.
Cool air rushing past my face.
Maybe it's a dream.
It feels like a dream.
A dream I want to never end.

You think you can change me?
Go ahead an try.
You'll fail.

Every time you take a blade to your skin,
You flirt,
And play with death.
You toy with it,
Likes its a thorn on a beautiful,
Blood.
Red.
Rose.

The fact that one day I will die,
Saddens me.
I will have to say goodbye to the ones I love,
And jump into unknown,
Without option.
Imagine all the conversations,
And stories,
Shows,
And drama,
That will happen,
And I will miss,
After I'm gone.

Last night,
I dreamed of her.
When it started,
I panicked.
I always have nightmares,
And I didn't want to have a nightmare about her.
But this dream was not a nightmare,
It was beautiful,
And nice,
And it warmed my heart.
I had a dream of where she was mine.
We weren't the age we currently are though...
A prophesy,
Maybe,
Or just a delusional hope.