Dont blame me if I just stop talking,
To everyone.
Dont blame me if I never speak to you again.
Its not my fault.
I cant stand to look at you anymore.
I'm going away,
There will be no more...
No more of me.
Dont blame me,
If when you try to talk to me,
I turn the other way.
I've been hurt too much,
I'm trying to protect myself.

Momma, Daddy,
Im sorry.
Im sorry Im not the girl you wanted me to be.
The one who grows up to marry a good Christian boy.
Im sorry its not gonna end up that way.
Because your baby girl,
Likes girls herself,
And not by option.
I would give anything just to be normal,
And make you proud.
Your baby girl aint gonna grow up to marry that boy you want me to,
The good old Christian one...
Shes gonna grow up to marry a girl,
And shes gonna fight the crazy Christians every step of the way.
I wish I liked boys as much as girls.
I wish I was the way you want me to be.
But Im not.
And Im sorry.
But Im not going to change,
By anything you say,
Because trust me,
Anything you can and will say,
Ive already said to myself.
But all thats left is say now is...
Im sorry.

"What the **** did I just do?"
That line keeps repeating over and over in my head.
It made me so happy,
But the guilt is eating me alive.
What the **** did I just do?
And why did I do it?

You are not physically sick.
--- Its anxiety making you sick.
You are not lazy, you are not pathetic.
--- Its depression whispering in your ear.
Everyone does not hate you.
--- You are just insecure and fear abandonment.

Reasons to stay alive:
1. It would hurt those close to me.
2. No more adventures.
3. I would miss graduating from college.
4. I would miss out on my future family.
5. Because I promised.

You can't just lock people out of your life every time something goes wrong. Instead, set your boundaries and discuss them with the people in your life. You can't get mad at people for crossing boundaries they didn't know where there to begin with.

Change does not come from a place of comfort.

You won't be sad for the rest of your life. Yes, there will be sad days, but there will also be happy ones. Live for the memories you have yet to make.

I have moments where I feel that my world is spinning out of control,
That I'm spinning down a hole,
But not to Wonderland.

The only thing that soothes my aching heart,
Is when we are not apart.
I feel a need to be back in her arms.

Drip,
Drip,
Drip...
There it goes,
Another drop of life.

The loss of a friend,
Physical heartbreak.
Hes gone.
Never to return.
Goodbye Max.
You will be missed.

Just a kiss
To say goodbye
But instead I said hello
To painful memories
That I had already said goodbye to
Long long ago

There are so many ways,
So many empty ways to say 1 word.
Sorry.
Am I sorry?
Do I really mean it?
I want them to think I mean it.
I dont mean it.
If I did,
The act would feel shameful,
But it doesn't.
Only their faces...
When they stare at me.
They stare like I'm a monster.
Am I?

Dear God,
Are you there?
If you are,
Please hear me out.
I'm not perfect,
And you've already done so much for me,
But please do this.
Please save her.
Please make her healthy,
Because I'm scared,
Lord.
And I'm turning to you,
Because our worldly things aren't enough.

We may not know why,
Or how,
Or anything about the life we were given,
Other than the obvious fact that it was given to us,
And its ours,
But it can easily be taken away,
By many unexpected things.
We have so much knowledge of it,
But so little understanding.
We take it for grated,
But we'll want it the most when its taken from us,
In our sleep,
Or on the way to school,
Never to be returned again.
Be thankful for what was given to you,
And dont dwell to terribly much on the little fact of not understanding,
Accept it,
Love it,
Cherish it.
Because while you're taking life for granted,
Somebody else is fighting for another breath,
And another,
They've just lost their war.
A war that you don't have to face,
Not yet.

Things I ask myself,
They have already been asked to me by others dear.
But no matter the asker,
My answer remains the same.
Would I go all the way with you?
Follow you to the end of the world?
Would I?
With no gaurentee that you wouldnt just shake me off and go on with your life like I was  never even there.
I don't have that gaurentee...
Would I follow you to the end of the world?
Just on the basis of a delusion,
That I think was falsly approved.

Lets take these scars and turn them into art,
Into beauty.
Lets take something ugly and make it beautiful.
Lets take our story and make a novel.
Lets live out our fairy tale.

Today is day number 18.
It may not seem that long,
Or that big of a number,
But it is for me.
At one point,
I couldn't make it one day without...
Doing that.
18 days clean.
Tomorrow will be 19,
And then 20,
And then before I know it,
It will be a month,
A month clean,
And free.
No more need for the the blades,
And the blood.
The need and the hunger,
Its becoming weak,
And fading away,
As I'm becoming strong.

As a kid, at about 6 or so, my father and I would go down to the lake and skip rocks.
At first mine would only go a few skips, but my fathers would go nearly 30.
Then I practiced and practiced.
By the time I was 7, I could make it to 15 skips.
By 8 I was at 25 skips.
By 9 mine could go farther than my fathers.
It was that day when my rock went 30 skips that I gazed wide eyed at the world.
I sat on the bank and stared at the lake.
I looked up at my father and asked a very dramatic question for a 9 year old.
"What is the meaning to life? Why do we live?"
Puzzled my dad asked "What do you mean?"
I responded with " I just spent 3 years trying to beat you, at skipping a rock across water of all things. So why?"
Still to this day 7 years later I don't have an answer to that question.

I once was broken,
But now I’m healed.
My life was ruined,
Down in the deeps.
You broke my heart,
It shattered like glass.
My angel made me better,
No thanks to you.
I have someone now,
To fill in the hole.
When you left,
So did my pain.
My pain is gone.
My heart is healed.
I am now happy,
All thanks to my angel.
I would have never met my angel if not for you,
And for that,
My dear,
I must thank you.

Music is my escape,
And my way out of the world.
With every emotion I feel,
There's a song that's just right for it...
Except for one emotion.
There's all these songs about love,
But only a few about girls who had loved other girls.
I'm in search for the perfect one,
Something I may have to create myself.

I asked you what you were doing
Because I wanted to **** myself
And I was looking for something
Anything
For a reason not to do it
I’m looking for a sign
But I can’t see through my own smoke
There’s blood on the floor
There’s bruises around my neck
Maybe those are the signs meant for me.

I have anxiety for the fact that anxiety will be the death if me.

You are my friend,
And I love you.
I would do anything for you.
I'm here for you when you need help,
Just as you are for me.
I know you're holding on by a thread,
But I wont let you fall.
And if you do,
Which you wont,
I will go get you.
I will travel to the depths of hell,
And pull you back up out of the flames,
And on to the clouds.
Cloud nine.
Because thats what friends do.

Lets take this rope,
lets slip it around my neck.
Lets take the leap of a life time,
and jump off the chair to the floor,
only 3 feet away.
Lets take a moment,
say thank you,
and say a prayer,
say goodbye,
with one last breath.
Lets jump,
and lets dangle.
Let the light fade away,
and let the dark take control.

Its that moment when you realize you'll never see her again,
you realize how much she really meant to you.
"Only know you love her when you let her go."

There comes a moment,
When you're too broken,
And you're laying on your bed,
Flat on your stomach,
With your head to the side,
And your limbs sprawled out,
Like a fallen ****** victim.
With your music up as loud as it can go,
With people screaming at you,
That you just break down.
Breathe in,
And hyperventilate it back out.
Take a moment,
To be broken.

If I was to tell you,
How I felt about you...
Would you be upset?
Would you turn and hide?
Would you treat me any different?
Or would you possibly,
Hopefully,
Impossibly,
Tell me you felt the same way,
About me.
You're the guy,
The mystery one,
That I talk about to my friends.
They act shocked,
That I actually like a guy.
I don't see you as a guy,
I just see you as a person I love.

Death is a scary thing,
For everyone.
Its another step in the process of life,
Going into the unknown,
And never being able to return.
There's no opt out of death,
And frankly,
That scares the **** out of me.

Slowly I changed,
Bit by bit,
I became what I really wanted to be.
Now that I'm what I want,
I need to be open with it,
And have crucial pride in myself.

Nine razors at access but
I only need one
To **** myself with.

Such a bad,
Sad,
And terrible thing...
When somebody says,
"Its great to finally see your smiling face."
Shes known me for years.
But she never sees it,
Because I'm never smiling.

I cant focus,
On anything.
I cant think,
Or remember.
And its all your fault.
I cant breathe when you're around...
I sound miserable right?
Quite the contrary.
When I'm with you,
I'm happy,
And my world is perfect.

I'm burning.
I'm in hell.
I feel removed,
Almost like I'm watching a movie.
Watching everything buzz around me.
I'm not sure how long I can stay...
Good?
Clean?
I'm slipping back.
I don't want to.
But I am.
"I can't escape this hell,
So many times I've tried."
Can somebody please...
Please.
Just listen to those lyrics.
Get me through this hell.
I need help,
I need out,
Please.

Who am I?
What am I?
The way she makes me feel,
Its just...
Wow.
She makes me feel alive,
And new.
No man has ever done that for me.
It makes me wonder...
Who am I?
What am I?

I cant find her page and I cant find her pictures.
Im losing what the sight of what her face looked like.
Not only her did I lose,
But now Im losing memories.
Its getting harder to remember those little conversations we had.
I miss her.
Results of a teenage suicide.

My heart is exploding into a million pieces.
Shes more of a drug
More addicting than ****** could ever be.

You broke my heart,
Not once,
But over and over again.
Dont come crawling back,
And expect another chance,
Because I cant forgive you,
Not this time.

The nights of the bitter cold winter,
Leave me lying awake in pain.
But they dont come close to being able to compare,
The pain that you left me in my heart.

Why am I still here?
Why am I still breathing?

You stupid little girl,
You should have known.
You should have protected your heart.
You should have locked it up,
And threw away the key,
So no one could hurt you.
But,
You didn't.
You let him in.
You let him love you,
And hold you,
And then he left.
He tore your heart right out of your chest,
And left nothing but a shell.
Now you're sitting there,
Tired,
Betrayed,
Heart broken,
Lost,
And just plain broken inside.
So there,
Stupid little girl?...
Will you ever love again?

I thought they were hidden so well,
I thought I was doing a good job,
Apparently not.
She saw them,
And now I'm scared.

What if the world suddenly flipped,
And everything you knew was wrong?
You'd be lost.
Would you freak out?
Or perhaps make the best of it?
Or would you be the one behind it all...
Behind the questions of "how",
And "what happened"?
Would you be the one that caused it?
Who would you be in this alternate reality,
That follows the path of Alice.
P.S. - If it tells you to eat, don't.
Or do,
And see how your adventure will go.

I’m sick. I’m tired of breathing. It feels heavy and thick and I’m so tired of fighting. I’m exhausted. I don’t give in because complacency is easier than action. They say to take action and make your own destiny when it comes to your mental health. If I take action that means I’ll be dead. So for now I sit and wait for the storm to pass. But I keep crying and those tears are the rain. My screams are the thunder. These bruises are the craters on the mountain side made from the electrical power of the neurological lightening. I’m just tired. I miss my sunshine. I’m fried and I’m burnt. I’m so scared of dying but I think I’m more scared of trying to fight this and losing myself.

What is this?
What can it be?
For I love you...
I think.
I'm terribly confused.
You act as though you love me....
But do you?
I didn't think it was possible.
I didn't think I was your "type".

My heart aches for you, and she’s out there broken into dust, floating among the stars. If you ever go out looking, she’s sitting just above the tree line on the horizon of the place where I fell in love with you. I hope you find your heart, I hope you find your peace, I hope you find the one that you kiss like you care, even if that ones not me.

Just let me go
To the place
Where one day I will call my home
Let me go
To a place
Where I will no longer feel alone
Let me go
To the place
Where nothing but love is shown
Just let me go
To that place
And my body be nothing but bone.
Just let me go.

You say you're sorry?
Stop.
Just stop.
Its only empty words,
And lies.
You're not sorry,
You never were,
And you never will be.

Be strong, be thin, be smart, be small.
No food.
You're not really hungry you just think you are.
Don't eat. It's not worth it.
You're at fat ***. That's what you see and what others around you see.
Your image and how others see you is worth more than a meal.
Be an actress.
The greatest act you will ever put on is making people think you're happy living life this way.
100 down.
100 more to go.
Strive on and stay strong.

I have changed throughout the years,
Physically,
Mentally,
Spiritually,
And socially.
Day by day,
Only a little bit changed,
But if you look back over the years,
I'm not the same person.

Every year something goes wrong.
Every ******* year.
Is it so hard to not fight?
To not get hurt?
To not be mad at the people you love,
For just one day?
I dont want to be in the family anymore.
Today it is Thanksgiving...
So Santa,
I have a Christmas request.
Please fix my family,
Or get me a new one.

The way you make me feel,
Its magical.
It's like a spell.
It's like I'm in a trance.
It makes me feel completed,
And in a bliss happiness.

My best friends are noting but strangers with familiar faces.