i stopped my habit of stealing flowers from graveyards when i found out you were giving them to someone else.

there was salvation in his smile.
an undeniable warm feeling
that would trickle in your crimson veins
like cold tears on radiant burning cheeks.

he looked like one of those crafty handcrafted
statues in those expensive-looking art museums. you can’t help but admire him and his scenery. god could return on earth in a
mortal body, but all i will see is my apollo.

golden honey hair and fresh water hazel eyes— eyes that could bring you to your knees in one simple glare

sun kissed bronze skin with rose and sword tattoos, my oh my, he’s blessed with michelangelo’s paintbrush! he’s a painting on god’s favorite art wall!

all i see is him.
all i see is art.

the woman lays her halo on the pillow that used to be mine.

she sips my red wine and gets drunk off his fermented words, her long legs are wrapped around his body as she lets out a laugh

she knows what she’s doing
so now this drink is too hard to swallow

does she ******* margarita tongue when kisses him?
i really hope she does.

your vampire teeth
likes biting on what’s not yours
so you afford a fleeting ******
between a descendant tableaux
and your rosy cheeky maiden who you
****** the life out of

and when you’re done
you rest your head on my shoulder.

she was listening to the songs he put on the playlist he made for her at 4:23am in an oversized *** pistols shirt, barefoot in the kitchen with tears streaming down her cheeks as her hips swayed, a white mug in between her palms as the dark black coffee fills the emptiness he left inside of her, and the clouds of light grey smoke fill the air and replaces the aching silence in her head.

cigarettes and black coffee as food for the ones hungry for love.

you’re alluring yet elusive
cooler than the autumn breeze and anyone i have ever come in contact with

toss me in your car and we’ll go out for ice cream while you make promises you’ll swear to keep but we all know deep down, you have your fingers crossed.

you can show me the world or another bar, either is fine because i’m with you. you could even take me to a ******* dumpster and i’d still look at you with puppy dog eyes.

you can drench me in gasoline and alcohol
and maybe then that’ll help us forget the pain
that we both hold deep inside in our hearts
you can light me on fire afterwards then take pictures of my ashes and post it with some stupid caption

you have tattoos that tell a story and ink your ivory skin
you have the world wrapped around your finger

the tours, the girls, the ***. you have it all, and you’re still craving more. i cant give you anything because i know you’ll drop me once you get it. i’m not good enough.

you could paint your heart and soul any color
so why did you choose the darkest black?

baby, come get drunk off my sins.
i’ll whisper your holy name with words
from the bible in french and kiss your scars
before letting you ******* honey mixed with poison.

i’m now breathing the air that you stole
and it fills and spills into my heaving lungs

baby, why does your love hurt so bad?
you said everything that’s beautiful comes with pain, and darling, you’re a true masterpiece. i should’ve known.

i’m swallowing the lump in my throat
while you’re swallowing pills one by one

we’re not the same anymore, my love
you’re far too broken
and i am healed.

you
love
setting
things
on
fire
when
there
is
nothing
to
break


so
you
set
yourself
ablazed
to
forget
me
in
the
morning.

i.

i ripped a page of my mixtape heart and watched the lyrics of a sad love song burn in a fourth degree. i’m so sorry, honey. you are the only memento i have of him; the only remembrance i have left.

but as i hold on to your tragic melody that rings in my ear drums, the more i feel the sting of love decaying like ashes from a cigarette that die with the wind

even now, thoughts of him fade in and out of my foggy brain, flickering like the lights in a horror movie. his smile could set the whole town ablaze, and his eyes, oh his eyes held a hellfire.

he buried himself alive in my head along with yesterday’s bones and yet, when i close my eyes, i am still haunted by his eulogy like a phantom of the sun. and i suppose the only song i will ever sing is his name, until his memory fades away and vanishes like my last breath on my deathbed

ii.

i wrote these sunburned verses, dripping wet with asteroid tears in each paragraph. my pen resembled a syringe used to inject these words into the water stained page while preparing a cocktail drink of rubbing alcohol and mountain dew before swallowing it all in one gulp. you were utter complete poison. threatening to ****** my sanity with a switchblade called your kiss on my skin. and perhaps one day, my heart will learn to fall in and out of love without feeling an overwhelming amount of guilt.

you really are the embodiment of hades in another lifetime. your hands are filthy and covered with the screams of the dark entities that you held inside that chest cavity of yours.
you hold so much more than i could ever know.

my hands are shaking and they are matching the tempo of your vantablack heart.

iii.

it seems i can’t write a single thing that wasn’t about you. you had murdered my words and made the thought of you bleed through my brain with your aftertaste.

love had become a distant memory where you ethereal face began haunting my dreams and my whispers were no longer whispers, they were blood curdling screams of agony.

your words breathed like they had a life after you stole mine, and since you did, i’ve been holding onto what’s left of my anatomy and die slowly.

iv.

you killed me with your sharp as a blade
cyanide tongue as i overdosed on my yesterday’s delusions while i closed my eyes
and sunk deeper into the abyss called nirvana.

red laced button up shirts and long shoulder length golden honey hair
he was carefully handcrafted, and i knew god took his time on this sunkissed angel. i just hope he had me in mind when he made the sun angel’s soulmate.

sun baby can play the harp with my ribcage and it’ll still sound heavenly because anything he touches will never turn to stone; they’ll simply be crystalline.

i wish to be as enchanting as my sun angel, but he doesn’t have any beauty to spare, he’s very greedy. he likes to absorb all the light from the sun, and keep it for himself. baby, i may like the dark but i like you even more.

i feel like i have summer’s guilt chilling my bones, and i can see him in the rear view mirror with his brightly beaming aura

so hold your breath, we’ll be just fine.

he was warm and his torso was wrapped with moonlight cologne, sweat & ink. he’s a filthy boy who loves being bruised up by innocent girls who don’t know any better, my hands are on his chest and my lips are touching his neck.

2. he was older. wiser. he made me forget who i was and i no longer knew myself because of him. but i loved him. so i got used to it.

3. i guess you can say he taught me how to make all of the pretty boys cry in euphoria and cry tears of neediness.

4. he had fingers that felt like acid, but also felt like a god putting me back together again after breaking me. his words cut me like a blade, but he kissed my wounds.

5. he didn’t love me, but i loved him. he claimed to, but i knew better. he was older. wiser. rougher. i was too soft for this man, but i got used to it.

when i told you i’d give you the moon and the stars, i really meant it.

i gave you everything that was pretty **** close to the galaxy, but you said it wasn’t enough.

you didn’t say it verbally with your tongue, but your actions did. actions speak louder than words, and it hurts way worse than you telling me you don’t want me anymore.

i gave you a place to run to, a place to sleep. when you needed to get away, you knew where to go. maybe i should’ve let you be on the streets, but you know you mean too **** much to me.

i gave you true love that was genuine and wholesome. only to get a love that was one sided and filled with trauma. you only loved me whenever it was convenient for you.

i gave you a family for crying out loud. we were going to have our amaryllis and crimson, our happily ever after was just around the corner but you decided at the last minute that you didn’t want to settle down.

mama warned me about guys like you
tearing my sweet innocent heart into two

but the craziest thing that hurts the most isn’t about you
it’s about me
because i’d still take you back in a heart beat.

bruised bandaged knuckles
and a cigarette between lips
it seemed as if i fell in love
with the boy who seemed bad for me

his hair was as black as the blackest ink
just like the ones on his skin
his eyes were as dark as the chocolate i loved devouring in the middle of the night when i needed a midnight snack

he wore leather as dark as his heart
and he smelled of expensive cologne and regret

he tasted like cherries and shame
but i loved the way our tongues danced

for once i want to be the one he chases after
instead being the one who chases him.

you make me so aware of how unfair i am to myself by loving you, it pains me to not be able to just rip you from my chest, to take you and pin you to my refrigerator just like all of the rest, a mere memory of what i felt for you instead of having you invade my body with thoughts and a touch that never breaks the surface because you’re more than two worlds away and it makes me feel pathetic.

god, you make feel like i can have the world at my finger tips because it wrapped so easily around yours. you drive me absolutely mad, but at the same time, you’re what keeps me sane. don’t ask me how that works, it just does, and only you can make me feel this way. i’m so lonely, and i lost almost half the time, the thought of you grounds me and nails my feet to the ground but tell me, how can i love you even when you’re not around?

you’re the boy of my ******* dreams, sweet and oozing with charm, ****, just take me now why don’t you? you don’t know how much i’d give to have an ounce of your love. you don’t look my way, most of the time it’s in my head if you do. i like the idea of being with you, but maybe it’s just the thought of not being so alone. i’m so sick of being ******* lonely, it’s devastating. it always seems to creep up when i’m in bed, it’s like me dipping my toe in the ocean before being utterly consumed by the tides

i hope you hear the angel’s song and i hope it helps you sleep at night because you being happy is what keeps me at ease.

i have a throbbing aching heart in my ribcage that’s being accompanied by heaving lungs that are craving fresh air

i don’t know how many times i’ve lost my mind in the past hour, but i know i’d lose my head if it wasn’t attached to my shoulders.

your smile is making my knees weak
and it’s making aphrodite weep
it’s a beautiful reflection for firework eyes  

these are the haunted hearts we melt over
we’re melting on your cold tile floor
and i apologize for the mess

i’d wear your bones as a necklace
because i reek like death
and have your blood on my satin dress

but darling, don’t you know i’d die for you?

you feel too little
and i feel too much.

drinking hot peppermint mochas in the hot shower because i've learned i love the way the boiling liquid goes down my throat while the water droplets from the shower go down my spine at the same time

it reminds me of the days i slept next to you and you would trace shapes on my spine and lower back
while i drank hot chocolate

i guess even when things change
i still find a way to find familiarity

i like change and always seem to be a different person than when you last saw me

blue hair and pale skin
turns into brown hair and tanned skin
while my eyeliner is no longer big and bold
but small and thin

i'm always changing and i don't know who i'll be next, but i know it wont last long

you told me you can't keep up with my pace
and i told you no one could
yet you still tried to follow me like a lost puppy
looking for a home

you told me i was your home
but i don't see how a broken vacant lot
could ever be home

i could never be someone's safe haven
i could never be someone's fairy tale when i'm living a brother's grimm book

so i'll keep changing my hair
the way i dress
my makeup
and the way i talk

because that's when i feel i have the most control.

his noceur soul leaves me wondering if he’s ever tired of the same **** thing. the endless sleepless nights, the fireball going down his throat as he inhales nicotine. i’m waiting through his phases, but the paroxysm in my heart and soul is overbearing.

this handsome devil had a way with my heart
he had a personality of a sly serial killer
and it wasn’t surprising when he had my blood on his hands

he told me that he’d give me the stars if i wanted them, the moon, and even the sun.

handsome devil always knew what to say to get me into his bed
he knew how to touch me to make me beg for more
he knew what he was doing when he pulled down my sundress

he called me angel who didn’t deserve to be corrupted by him, but somehow, he went back on his word. i’m now bathing in my sins.

you remind me of the sun
burning and brightly beaming
but if i get too close, i’ll simply
melt

but i was always the one to take risks.

and i’m still waking every morning, but it’s not with you anymore.

i’m no longer waking up to smudged eyeliner and mascara, with an arm wrapped around my stomach, tugging my back closer to a chest as i hear steady breathing

it sounds calming when you say it like that
but if people only knew what happened an hour prior, they’d be calling it chaos and no longer ‘relationship goals’

relationship goals.
that’s what people called us.
but i don’t think endless fighting and make up *** could ever be relationship goals.

we showed everyone what we wanted them
to see, but behind closed doors
we were falling apart

i’m no longer going to sleep every night with ace bandages wrapped around my wrist and your warm breath going down my neck as you tell me it’s gonna be okay

i’m going to sleep with my cats and telling my nana that i’ll see her in the morning because i know for sure i will

i’m waking up with a smile on my face with my own embrace
i’m no longer waking up with heartbreak.

we’re fighting again.

and i don’t know if the chill in my bones was from it being cold, or if it was from you screaming you hated me before the line went dead.

i tried telling you something that you wanted to hear, but it seemed as if the words that were coming out of my mouth was gasoline fueling the fire within you

you’re always angry
and i’m always sorry

the silence has never been so loud
and my anxiety has never been this overbearing

and baby, i don’t know where our love is hiding
but i’ll let you know when i find it.

i don't need anyone
i like to tell myself i don't because
if i'm being honest with you
(usually i'm not)
i rely on people more than i should.

your golden hair strands are covering your
face as your chain dangles off your neck
it makes me want to give the world to you
and give you this devotion and adoration
i have that's suffocating me.

do you hear my heart thumping rapidly
in my ribcage?
will you still kiss me if my lips tasted like
asphalt and red wine?
my last lover was a dying god and it was fitting
but you're the reincarnation of apollo and you need
more of a ravishing taste.

i never been touched by a god
but i had my body ruined by a dying one
will you touch me and make me whole again?

please talk to me!
i don't like being alone
i hate being alone
i don't like it
i need you.

i want you to breathe me in as deep as you breathe in those packs of menthol cigarettes that you keep behind your ear just in case you need a quick fix. i never really understood, but you told me i don’t have to. live life in the fast lane.

your hands touched my body in ways friends don’t touch, but you told me we were just friends. friends touch each other and crave each other’s lust apparently.

lips tasting like fireball and cigarettes, i still crave that same taste when i’m kissing someone else but no other lips could satisfy me. why did you bury yourself six feet deep within me? this hurts so bad.

i remember the nights where you would lie with me, we would talk about the nonsense chaos in our lives and we’d share oxygen and smoke from each other’s lips

this is gonna be a long night, i can’t escape you. you’re stuck in my head, and you’re in my dreams. please go away.

i’m still in love with you.

meet me anywhere under the sun!
i’ll be waiting for you in a white sundress.
i’ve been waiting for you to come home.
we can share a strawberry and drink sweet honey iced tea in bottles
we could talk about how you captured the sun in your bare hands and swallowed it whole!
are you waiting for me? are you waiting for me, my love? because i’m waiting for you. it's all i do.

they told me i'd be signing the DNR papers
if i fell in love with you
and i remember putting down my signature

his lips tasted like coffee beans and tobacco, i don't know if i like the taste but if it's his, then i'll love it for days on end. kissing him is like drinking coffee, i love both.

we would run down the halls playing tag in the first hotel i got before they turned to motels. little did i know the game of tag, we've always played. i was always it, and i was always trying to catch him.

the only difference was, during the game while running around down halls, he was chasing me. and i loved how he was so desperate to get his hands on me as if i was prey and he was the predator wanting his food. he wanted me relentlessly and violently.

then he would peck my lips and run before i could catch him, and it would repeat. if only i knew that this would turn into a vicious cycle of kissing each other's lips and then running for the other to catch us. we loved the chase, but hated being caught.

he lived for rock n' roll, and ****, he was the human embodiment of a rockstar. the voice, the hair, the makeup. everything.

he told me that when he makes it big, he'd come back for me and he'd give me everything i ever dreamed of and i just had to say the words.

but let me tell you something about myself
i could never take what is given to me
yet i give and give and people just take
i could never understand how they can take
what's given them so effortlessly without feeling guilty

when he did his first sold out show, i was the first one he called to scream and exclaim about the exciting news.

“we're finally making it, baby!”

but let me tell you something about him
he was the one to always get lost in his head
almost as if he was stuck in his brain
and he only truly cared about himself and what he can easily gain

so it was no surprise that he started to distance himself from the girl he said he would marry when he got more fame and started making a fan base

i spent my nights on ***** bathroom floors behind a door, while he spent his nights on a stage or with a ******* his lap exchanging oxygen

i would pray he'd see my broken heart and would give me another night or give me another chance

but right now he doesn't even give me a second glance.

he had a moon tattooed on his arm because he loved the night

he told me i reminded him of the sun and he was ready to burn

but i don’t think he meant it because when my flames ignited, he was the first to run

or maybe those ashes on the floor were his.

it’s crazy how two years ago, we were calling every night just to see if we could see each other because we genuinely missed each other’s presence.

now we only call because we’re alone and filled with lust.

yank on my spinal cord before you rip it out of my bare back. before you get my ***** crimson blood on your hands and you have to wash and bleach your dna off the crime scene.

it feels as if i'm paralyzed from the waist down because all i ever ******* do is lay around, and if i move, it aches. everything aches.

i'm begging for you to swap some bones with me because i'm tired of this soreness on my hips and thighs. please tell me you're listening.

nobody ever ******* listens to me. am i on mute? does someone have the remote controller that is connected to my mouth and has it on the lowest volume? how do i get it back and turn it up?

the static in my ears is far too loud, i bet if you said something right now, i wouldn't hear a thing. wait— did you say something?

i'm in love with a boy whom i've decided to call apollo because ****, he's a modern tragedy. he's enchanting and extraordinary, i'm nothing compared to this god in human skin.

i'm nothing but delusional intoxication and hair dye, but i guess if there was something good about me, it would have to be that i love unconditionally.

you are somewhat of a ******* and how disgustingly i adore it. pathetic.

you are a moment too big for me. i’m caught up in insignificance but not because i deem myself unworthy of your touch, i just think you’re phenomenal. an angel in disguise. you live in a moment of ecstasy, and before i can even blink with my own eyes, you are gone in a cloud of smoke. you take my breath away like it belongs to you.

i always end up in a big pile of word ***** when it comes to you, words flow out of me like i had acid in my stomach and it’s purging into the oblivion. as it calms down, i’m now just sprawled on the floor, it’s freezing and my bones hurt.

so please deal with me while i talk about the universe and about a love that i may never have.

he was always a moment too big for me, everyone knew that. he was magnetic and electric, and my heart and entire being couldn't contain such a man as magnificent as him.

he was always torn with choosing me and his dreams, but i guess he finally had enough and decided to burn the bridge that connected us to each other.

sometimes i still find the ashes of the bridge's remains on my shoes and clothes from when i tried to get to him. i'm just speaking in metaphors, but no matter how many of them i use, they will never show you how miserable i truly am.

remington leith is and will always
be the bittersweet death of me.

these broken bones do not need another broken home. the rattling underneath my skin is not a wailing sound crying for help. i will not beg to be wanted. i will not beg for a love that feels like home only to be accused of trespassing.

i think i finally know why they called you lucifer.

it wasn’t just about your dark design and the ink covering your porcelain skin, it was about you as a person. the way you walked, the way you talked. everything.

you told me you were a god and i believed you. i put you on a pedestal and kissed your feet, but honey, you are not a saint.

you have skeletons in your closet that you swear don’t belong to you, but if i were to look closely enough, i would see your dna all over the crime scene.

you’re always on the run, who are you trying to run from? me or all of your problems?

you can wash your hands to clean the blood off, but you can’t wash them off the crime.

you left my body sore and hollow those two summers ago and you finally came back to bury me six feet under to leave me to decay once and for all

but if i learned anything from you
it would be reincarnation.

you were scabbed with the bitter breath and air of december's tragedy, and perhaps it's truly better than it sounds but i can never tell. i never lived my life in violent indigos.

the sun seeps through your window in such a way your dark night eyes look like a desirable honey that drips from a bee's hive

your lips are pulled tight because your tongue is filled with secrets that are ready to spill out in the open like cream pouring into coffee. 

you never tell me about the foreign chapped lips against your skin, but i remember they made you feel what i couldn't give you.

you cut my heart out with a butter knife because your tongue isn't as sharp as you would like it to be. you place it on a silver platter and say bon appetit!

i hope for you my darling, my heart tastes like asphalt and red wine, because that's what's fit for dying gods.

you pull the trigger just for fun
forgetting i’m a loaded gun.

i still have the date of the day we met
and the date of when i told you i loved you imprinted in my mind

i still feel your lips on my body
and i still hear you telling me that
we’ll go through life together

and darling, i’m sorry i made things end too soon. and i’m sorry that i lied when i said i wouldn’t hurt you.

apologies can’t fix our love
but it can fix our closure

and i may be holding onto false hope
but you were clinging onto it

i’m not everything you wanted me to be
and i won’t pray for sanity, so baby, here’s a toast.

some things are better left alone.

you are an angel with the white, pink lips bathing in asphalt and blackened undertones of aching broken hearts. you’ll search and search for salvation, only to come back with empty hands and burns on your fingertips.

2. he’s a demon in the night who bathes in moonlight and innocent girls’ sins. he doesn’t keep love around, only for a good one night stand. he’ll search and search for lust, only to come back with his hands full and heart shaped bruises on his neck

3. you think he’ll change for you, but his tongue is sharpened at the tip and it will cut your lips when he kisses you.

4. you’ll try to force your bleeding heart into his palms and tell him to take it and be gentle, knowing he’s going to crush it. “shh, sweetheart. it’s okay. i won’t break it.” but he does so anyway.

5. sitting underneath the stars at midnight watching the night go by as he gets into another girl’s car. leaving you empty and hollow.

i told you i wanted to live amongst the stars
and sleep on the moon.
you smiled at me and said

“i would love that too
but won't you get scared of living in the darkness
without seeing the light?”

but oh darling, whom are you to speak?
you've been surrounded and consumed by darkness all of your life
what's a little less moonlight going to do to you?

two lips rings on the side of his lip
he would play with them with his straight
white teeth when he was nervous or feeling
risqué

he had them so for as long as he could remember
they became apart of his personality
but i don't think metal rings
could be a trait

but to him, that's what made him... him

besides the liquor and cigarettes
the guitars and midnight lustful
*** in motel rooms

he tasted like tobacco and liquor
if i concentrate hard enough
my tongue will take me back
to the familiar taste

he didn't like his curls
so he would straighten his hair
it's not rock and roll!
he would always tell me

you see, the metal rings on the side of his lip were the first thing i ever noticed about him
and those same exact rings were the last thing i tasted before he disappeared

if one day your
liquor washed mouth
would be as generous and kind
as my fingertips,
my heart would not find
salvation in other bodies that aren’t yours

my tongue and lips are too forgiving
of you and you do not deserve it

so drink up, liquor mouth
that’s all you ever do

tell me, my love, how did you rip off the warning labels on your body so i could be easily fooled? tell me! tell me!
you're exhaling chemicals and i'm inhaling them
the nicotine that fills your lungs is making them feel like they're going to explode, and you hold onto my shoulder for comfort

you claim you're better on your own
but i slept with you in your car because you were fist fighting demons on highway 90

so, baby boy, tell me how you ripped off those tags that were supposed to warn me about you? tell me how you got your friends to be quiet! tell me! tell me!

you're face to face
with death
and i'm about to shake his hand.

you are a holocaust

you are terror

but you are so divine in ways that i cannot bare to speak

you are my salvation

but you have a car crash in your chest cavity
and hellfire within your irises.