when my son was younger
he asked -

how old are the mountains
from where did the First People come
why does the sun sleep in the ocean
what is the color of rain

now that my son is older
stronger, wiser and bolder
he asks -

how old are the mountains...
...what is the color of rain


some things don't change.

They say things will get easier
as the years go by,
so I wait to see the difference
but then I question, "why?"

Sometimes I feel like I'm ok
and accept that you're gone,
yet there are other times
it's so very hard to carry on

November brings this emptiness
at the end of every day,
the daylight brings me comfort
but at night, a hole, is where I lay

My mind is still reminded
of the games that we would play,
the trouble we'd get into
and all the lies we'd have to say

We knew we had a bond
that would always be just ours,
and as the years past along
we shared so many scars

I felt the burden of your pain
and of the damage you would do,
every time your heart would bleed
mine would pour out too

They say to just be THANKFUL
for the years I had with you,
to share in all the holidays
but now they'll always be too few

As November's door closes
and the calendar moves along,
December rears its ugly head
and you're heard in every song

Here comes Santa Claus
ringing through my ears,
Silent Night is only heard
through my falling tears

No one will ever understand
how we'd scour through the house,
hoping to find some presents
you'd say, "be quiet as a mouse"

They say it will get better
sadness will turn to cheer,
memories should be precious
but its so hard this time of year

As Christmas comes upon on us
I force myself from my bed,
to decorate the tree and shop
when I'd rather sleep instead

The empty seat at the table
hits me every time,
a symbolic rememberance
as the clock begins to chime

The conversation's always lacking
without your voice amongst the noise,
then my mind flashes back
to former Christmas mornings and all the toys

Things changed as we got older
but laughter still filled the room,
now opening the presents
just fills my heart with doom

As the day comes to an end
I sigh and breath relief,
only a few more days
and the month will be complete

In those final days
a weight's placed on my chest,
our last conversation was so heavy
my mind runs without a rest

It's as if I see myself
from some other point of view,
answering the phone
to hysteria about you

Her voice was full of fear
but I still hear my mother say,
"your brother, he's gone"
I knew the Lord took him away

The 30th will mark five years
I've survived without you,
but anyone who says "it gets easier"
just doesn't have a clue

I know it might sound crazy
even I don't understand,
why sometimes I'm still a little girl
in need of my *big brother's hand

For hours upon hours
I sit on a flimsy, old chair
amongst a large gathering of people
too engrossed in their troubles to notice
that the hours feel like days and days
of loneliness, trapped inside these walls
looking out to see that no one has a care
for the things I feel inside
day in and day out
365 days of the year.

I think I'm dying.
There's a pain in my chest
and my hands shake like crazy
and all that plays in my head
is the way you kissed me on my forehead
and said, "I'm so, so sorry."

I feel so pathetic
because I know it's over
but you still bring me to my knees
and I still beg for you to stay.
But nothing keeps you in my arms
and there's gotta be a way I can deal with that.

Sometimes you need to learn
that moving on is painful
and moving on is hard
but moving on is needed
when you have nowhere else to turn and
no one else to rely on.