i'm not proud to say
i'm 85 lbs
that's not much of a girl
but i remember
when being 85 lbs
was all i ever wanted
when i craved a flat stomach
thin wrists
a gap between my thighs so wide
when i spent my days
filling my belly with water and air
taking lunches to school
but not eating them
instead tossing them in the trash because the smell of fresh fruit
made me sick
when i look in the mirror
i see the ghost and skeleton of a girl
who's in recovery
and i'm disgusted
85 lbs
is not much of a girl
i remember when all i wanted
was to be smaller, smaller
when i was 80 i wanted to be 75
75 wasn't enough so i kept purging til i hit 70
70 wasn't enough
65 wasn't enough
nothing would ever be enough
0 would never be enough
-10 would never be enough
i remember when they forced needles into my papery skin
i remember when 80 was enough for me to keep my life
and i remember
when i decided
i would always be enough

I didn't cry today
I can't write it in a resume or post in a status or sing it in a song
But I didn't cry today so maybe that means I'll be okay
Maybe the unprompted tears or sudden screams are over
Maybe I'll never sit in the shower hyperventilating
Because I accidentally pictured his eyes
Again

When I hear his name
It’s like every one of those horrible moments all rolled into one
It’s like every time I pick up the phone to call him
And the universe waits till the third digit to remind me that he’s gone
Because that’s what he is: gone
But I can't forget the way he held my face
Or his laugh at three in the morning

I avoid sitting in certain rooms
Because when I walk by his spot
It's like it’s mocking me
"You're still here and he's not"

So I'll celebrate the first day without tears
I'll ignore people who may mention him
And when I walk into the dining room
I'll keep my eyes on the floor
So I'm not reminded that it's no longer his chair
And he’ll never be there
Again
{bcg}

I know
mostly
I don't even write anymore
in my streaks of
4 o'clock
the words barely come to my throat
and then fall into a knot
clotted coughs
taste like red roots and hip hop

I know that
with your
little fixes
you're always
just trying
to help me get better
but
I am
so much better where
I am

exhausting
every possibility
of how I am
becoming
                 limitless

when I perceive
that I am
not enough

I cannot help but think
it's because
I have lived in constant
fear
of being too much

it took me
many nights
torment
of swallowing
the salt water
and everything
we meant

but
somehow
in the mornings
I no longer taste
your name

I have some books
and their pages stay crisp
and they remain clean
kept in a state
of perfection

I have
no holes
in those sweaters
that stay on the shelf
(those that always
reminded me of you)

what I love
I destroy
(it wasn't meant
to happen with people too)

Do you remember
The first time we kissed?
It was like I couldn't breathe anything
But the smell of your skin.
You were, are, will be
Every poetic sentiment
That I ever need.
I don't know how to live,
If not with you,
I'm scared shitless
Now that I have to,
But 3,377 miles
Can't stop me from loving you
More than  
All the daisies under the sun
And all the bubbles in the sea
I love you more than lightning storms
And every leaf on every tree
You are the sun, moon and stars
The very air that I breathe.
Distancing myself won't help
Because I had to choke down
An imperfect goodbye
No words in any language
Exist to say what I need
You echo in my existence
Every time I laugh, kiss, cry or bleed
And no physical distance
Changes that first kiss
Or touch, or love.
When I'm lost
Ill remember your lips
That tought me how to miss you
I kissed you goodbye
But nothing near final
Because together
Ill settle for nothing less than forever
Before long you'll be seeing me
I'm scared as hell but
I'm still on my feet
Step by step
Moment by moment
Breath by breath
We will learn
How to be.

I miss your familiarity
with my silence
your understanding
of my laughter
and your simple way
of letting me know
that I was not alone

~

Color me in dark red apathy.