does the inside of your head ever feel like a radio thats constantly changing stations with lots of static and all the stations are bad thoughts that are strung together in a sort of continuous narrative of constantly escalating fear and compounding dread?
But when we sit down and think about it I'm really not sure I have no idea in fact I can't tell you why No one else seems to know And there aren't any distinct feelings about it Its just there My life that is
And in the end it is all the same men are the same women are the same you are the exact same... its boring but its true life in its stillness will never be gratifying yet perpetual motion isn't that great either
I hope you never see the things I've seen And I hope you never do what I've done I hope you never felt what I felt And I hope you never fall like I have I hope you never see someone get hurt And I hope no one ever hurts you I hope you don't get scared And if you do, you come to me I hope that if you comply with any of these requests And you aren't truly happy I hope you break each one And find what all they can bring.
" My mamma said there will be days like this, there will be days like this my mamma said"
oh god didn't you see? she traded smiles for stares. didn't you hear? she traded laughing for heavy sighs and a wounded expression didn't you smell? she traded sweaty sports for 3 showers a day. didn't you feel? she traded hugs for nervous jumps and apologetic giggles. didn't you taste? her lips, they said no. she traded everything to get back what was stolen.
when I was in high school a girl I knew (not well) was ***** at a party. no one said anything, she never admitted to it, and when asked she said it was consensual, but she changed. i hardly talked to her, but i think about lauren almost everyday. its been 5 years.
everyday I reflect on what I could have said could have done could have used and everyday I realize that I will never stop learning and I will never get it right but the beautiful thing about that is its ok.
Yelling at people in public and other things I regret.
sleepy sad and sticky hands oh yeah smelling of burning hot warm heady air in the moonlight dark night heavy body falling catching dizzy happy smart ****** aware of the fact that I must *** stumbling down giggle at the less serious and sneers at the men following tripping more and sometimes water if someone is helping out hugging ******* goodnight good night.
and in the dark he felt me and i felt him it was breathtaking he held me i floated away he kissed me and i was gone
i was drunk but sober in his eyes i had fallen into his arms-steady oh, there was a smell of bad choices left behind he touched me and i crumbled he loved me and I cried
I said too much and he gave it little notice i came so quickly and left even faster i tried to scare him but further he crawled i told him the truth and he turned them into fiction i gave him my hand and he asked me to marry him
I take it in waves the heart-pounding the ear-ringing calorie-counting run-tracking grade-tracking
I take it in waves Am I social enough? watch too much tv? not enough? care too much? care too little? pray enough? drink enough? have enough ***? too much ***? with the right people enough? are these the wrong people?
I take it in waves no one cares no one notices dont make this my issue dont make this anyone else's issue do I have a thing? do I need a thing? will I be a good teacher? will I be a good mother?
I take it in waves Die it will be easy just cut your wrists you know where to get the pills the drugs the needles drive off a bridge jump off a bridge they are well adjusted people they wont miss you they dont need you you dont need you
I take it in waves I deserve this I need this happy is a good feeling you are strong you are smart you are right people do like you God loves you he loves you they love you they need you you need you dont give up dont cop out dont die live
And on the days I can actually breath in without a sharp pain in my mind I know that the reason I can is you And I know that you might go away But for the time being I love you And that is enough for me
There's magic Between discomfort and perfection That moment you have faked it Perfect charismatic facade Chatter Feeling Smiles Questions Jokes Oh, the constant conversation Parties Church School Work Family Pretending in its purest from There is a formula for people And I have found it Charming it's called **** it feels And beautiful they say I'm dying I want to be alone Don't touch me Hugs feel like bad compliments in the dark And talking for hours makes my face hurt Oh, people Why do we do this? Social beings Barely being social That's my game There's my Magic It's a lie