Cursing and swearing just got me in trouble.
Sitting there on the toilet blowing bubbles.
Yeah I never really learned from soap.
Until one day I lost all my glee and hope.
My mother was being rude to my sis.
I swear I'll never forget this.
She was trying to force feed her *** roast.
But Lacey dislikes meat at the very most.
So I yelled at my mom calling her a bad name.
After that things just weren't the same.
All I remember of that tragic day.
Was being pinned to the floor to pay.
A bar of Ivory was shoved in and out.
I could here my sister cry and shout.
Mom told me to start chewing it all up.
Well that's what happened sure enough.
I was gagging I felt so dead.
What was going through my moms head?
Abuse!

Crazy little things, crazy little cuts.
The voice in my head tells me its a must.
Staying alive is driving me fckng nuts.

Hate myself and all the people in the world.
The emotions trapped in my mind are hurled.
The vision of wisdom has been blurred.

If I could ask you to **** me, would you?
Loving me with hatred its what I want you to do.
Strangle my thoughts until my lips turn blue.

No more love, no more life, just stains of me.
Blame my suicide on the sole fact it was curiosity.
Its your own fault you didn't set me free.

The conclusion is you never really understood.
The evil in me was actually meant to be good.
Living, this I am aware that I should.

To late now forever frozen in space and time.
Meeting in the afterlife we can finally unwind.
Even though I am gone you will always be mine.

It started with friendly innocent chat
Like a magician pulling tricks from my hat
I opened my door of false pleasures
Over love, money, and the rarest of treasures
Like a spooky haunted house I held a surprise
Your so beautiful, your skin, hair, and those eyes
A serenade of love I softly sing from night into day
Knowing the winds will carry my feelings your way

Just like a sucker, I ****** you deep within
What my plans are, are beyond all and every sin
I look to the skies and smile because I know he doesn't exist
Madly laughing and taunting this date you shall not miss
Be here at five for a surprise before dinner is served at eight
Like a helpless naive lost little sheep wandering back home
Inviting you in with intoxicating drinks and **** to get you ******

Make yourself at home, relax, unwind, watch some tv
So excited she graciously smiles and thanks me
I reply with a cursed smile and replied "no, thank you" with a wink
Touching her soft skin I gladly pour her another drink
Its almost time to prepare the meal, would you like to help
So excited she says yes. Yes to her own demise and hell

The drinks finally set in as she helplessly falls to the floor
Dimming the lights and carefully locking all of the doors
Heaping her almost lifeless like body onto the kitchen table
Shaking with knives and tools, feeling quit unstable
I cut deep into her luscious thighs
So out of it, but she still manages to cry
Taking her slabs over to the frying pan
Season to taste I work with haste carefully using my ingenious hands, this beauty will not rot and waste

Glancing to clock, I still have plenty of time
Tonight at eight, you and I love, will finely dine
A little more flesh, a little more meat
You my dear are two weeks worth of white meat treats
Almost eight and nearly done on time and this meal is free
Its not me going deep into you, its you going deep into me

The date I ate at eight was magnificent indeed
Draining her of life and blood for two weeks I will feed
Packaging leftovers placed in the freezer nice and sealed
Back to the computer, patiently looking for my next meal

I'm a man of love, I am a man of hate.
Bi-polar consequences with no means of escape.
Never knowing what my mentally instability my bring.
One day a common peasant, the other day an angry king.
No hope for me, I struggle just to get through the day.
Often letting go, watching myself slip further away.
Madness to happiness, happiness to tormenting pain.
I often question myself, am I really sane?
The stress of my ever changing moods leaves me blind.
And I will regret leaving my loved ones behind.
Suicide tempts me as God turns away.
Another emotional disaster is under way.
The life I live is not the choice I made.
To far gone for any medication to save.
Dreams are nightmares and nightmares are my life.
Struggling once again to make things right.
But how many of my wrongs will be forgiven?
Staying quiet, keeping my emotional fears hidden.
A laugh is never a burden, my happiness has just gone away.
Self tormented and I can only make others pay.
I know deep down inside there's a happiness to be set free.
But how much more can I drive with my tank on empty?
A compliment or positive gesture is often discarded.
As my sadness and emptiness remain unguarded.
This is the end as the shadows of my mind draw near.
Everything in my life still remains murky and unclear.
Bleeding myself to death I never thought it would go this far.
Fading away only to say good-bye with one final scar.
I really loved you all and I am sorry I failed to repent.
From hell my love letters shall be sent.

if your reading this, than thank you.
the unimaginable feels my head and thoughts  
I'm alone, I'm always alone.  
trying to reach out for friendship and love
But I'm just a suicidal, depressed freak
I've fallen victim to my own critical thinking
Things are strange. very very ******* strange
I have this feeling like a feeling never before
Its far from happiness and hope. its empty and dark
I'm still ok to smile twitch I'm trying, ok?  
where is everyone? Why is no one here?
Alone, nobody to talk to but myself and I scare me
phone calls never answered, same with texts  
All I ever did was care and give a ****
I guess not enough for me.  
not enough for me.
that doesn't matter though. does it? twitch
what is this feeling? Did I do something wrong?
I always **** it up. every time. I'm no good. Or am I?
what is happening? I'm still alone. I just need a friend.  
I can no longer save myself from me.
A simple friend someone just who will listen.
pretend to care! because I longer do.
The feeling twitch its scaring me. where are you?
anyone at all? Is this death? Heaven? Hell?
I'm going under now, please grab my hand.

I hate myself, I wish I would die.
Its like starring death in his eyes.
But death never makes a move or sound.
Its like time stopped but everyone moves around.
I flirt with razors and guns.
Only stopping because of my daughters and son.
If something takes me, take me soon.
I wish I would die this very afternoon.
To much stress, to much pressure.
To much pain, not enough pleasure.
Quietly laying and starring at the ceiling.
Suffering from a malfunctioning thing called feelings.

Ok so you wanted to see a lighter side
Dive wide in, open eyes wide
I'm not going to lie I like your attention
Your profile is pic is cute thought I mention
The way you use words its almost a live conversation
Lost, than a message from you breaks concentration
Somehow that frown became a smile its because of you
However being darker in heart I must remain true
Your pain enlightens me and gives a good vibe
Because I was nearly there, I too nearly died
Its that billionth try and finally someone understands
I can leave the happiness to pull you back to land
And when there's those rivers of tears, yeah you what im talking about
Come along they revive my dry and scathed drought
You may again come, you may again go.
You may be well, you may be out of control.
Its all good though because I'm a friend a friend indeed
Perhaps in the darkest of times together we will bleed

There is something that I solely created.
Wishing now I would have sedated.
A self amusement of a lying truth.
The razor blades inflict self abuse.
Trying to hold onto whatever life means.
Still awake in this nightmarish dream.
\There is something that I solely created.
Wishing now I would have debated.
Confused and dragging myself into depression.
Creating a self hated person of aggression.

deep in the inner circle I stood.
surrounded by people. wanting to hurt or **** me. I produced my gun and shot. i shot to **** and defend and that's what happened. but no one ran or fled. they froze in fear. my yells and war Cry's did not move them the slightest. I roared and howled with no avail. I shot again killing this time just killing. And still they all stood around not moving not making a sound. just standing, watching, and staring but still blocking my way to freedom an escape. Another shot, another death, closer to an escape.

Nearly 48 hours now and still wide awake
Exhausted, depressed, the anxiety over takes
Thoughts racing, blurring, spiraling out of control
Wishing for some ****, I'm at ease when I'm ******
Music fills my ears but its not what's playing on the radio
Am I lost? Here, over there, what is this show
Sleep deprived, shaky, in a dream like state
Nervous, manic looking for someone to relate
Should I call in to life and take this crazy day off
Blurry eyes, hair stands on end I'm here but lost
Almost tripping, yet I have had no drugs to try
So amazing how this anxiety takes hold and makes time fly
Should I just press forward and continue to stay awake
Regretting something but what was this mistake
Clearly distraught the madness will not loosen its grip
Outside semi calm, inside a nervous raging fit
I'm ok right? The mirror is refusing to answer
Inside something testers and grows like a hidden cancer
I should have taken the offering of pills from the doc
Two seconds with every click why this clock
Sick, queasy, I have to regain control not for me but my kids
The hallway seems longer, is it blood? What the **** is this
Only halloween props thank God everyone is ok
Backwards going in reverse yet birds and sun start the day
Run, I want to run. I need to run but nowhere to run to
I'm now realizing I'm online live and writing poetry
This, this.. It hurts... Very bad. This anxiety is taking over me
Breath deep in and out relax your mind find a happy place
Back to my feet, can't relax I have dreams to chase
How can I possibly catch my dreams without any sleep
Darker unwanted thoughts begin to stir and creep
Writing this now almost a hour in but it feels like mere fraction
Stress to my already broken heart what is going to happen
Its gone now, it just up and left as quick as it came
Mental troubles, depression, anxiety loving to play these games
I can't possibly prepare for another surprise round
Laying my head now, relaxed, at ease than the alarm sounds

To those who say suicide is selfish
Understand you can never understand what they delt with
You may say you have it worse than they did
On deeper levels that **** was well hid
Somethings easy to you may be the hardest for others
Its not easy to leave mothers, fathers, sons, and daughters
Your strength my weakness, your weakness my strength
Those who suffer go through many trials of a dark never ending length
Some wear there scars on there sleeves
Others hide it tucked well deep beneath
Help sometimes is not what they really need
I can assure you this wasn't a selfish and greedy deed
They loved you so much, more than you'll ever know
Sometimes in an ironic way the better is finally letting go
Whether you believe in afterlife or rather nothing at all
Remember the best of times and for them stand proud and tall
There being may no longer reside on our earthly plane
But forever in our hearts and mind they shall always remain
We will never fully understand and comprehend
I'm not a religious man but I know we will reunite in the end

A past of sugar and modern day spice

In the past of a golden age.
To the future we turn a page.
Nothing to little, nothing to small.
But over time we have created all.
A golden thorn now settles beneath.
it settles beneath the working mans feet.
Great pyramids torn to the ground.
As the bombs drop, our hearts pound.
Was more for the better and good?
We have given all we could.
A tragic display of a wasteland.
Falling down, losing our stand.
Robots and machines create this way.
The sun drops and rises to a new day.
Further and further we **** us all.
Our generation shown big but taught small.
Look what we have into.
Do we understand? Do you?
From a sharpened stick to a firing gun.
The sugar is devoured but the spices still done.
Once you go so far you can’t go back.
Here we live in the days of black.

I sit here in a quiet and thoughtless state
Isolated I watch all around me connect and communicate
Trying to see these "colors" everyone supposedly talks about
I try and speak, even laugh, but nothing comes aloud
Seeing ones smile, laugh, even breaking down to cry
What is it like to live? What is it like to die
So distant in thoughts that resemble near nothingness
Double eye patched pirate sailing without a compass
I wonder what its like to feel, I wonder what its like to live
Sitting ****** silent waiting for this apathy to give

?????Do you feel that in the air?????
That's static I'm erratic coming right back at it like crackhead addict poetry in the attic its free so have at it misery and symphony gotta combat it leave it be or attack at it

I am a little bit strange.
I may even be a bit insane.
But somethings keeps me going inside.
Something makes me wish I wouldn't of died.
I am a little bit far from reality.
Really look at me and you can see.
Now it's cold, dark almost all the time.
I wish I knew how to unwind.
I may fall short of a winner everytime.
And living was a punishment for all my crime.
I didn't think it would be sin to be born.
I didn't ask, now my life's torn.
Im crashing into waves of darkness.
It's the only thing I can possibly harness.
I know now of all my wrongs and it's to late.
I wish there was someone out there to relate.
It's ok though, I'll just sit here and fade.
Please realize I never had it made.
And no matter how much I constantly tried.
I was left alone sad and lost only to cry.

As cold as the air might have seemed.
No matter how many nights you have screamed.
Nothing comes and nothing goes.
In your world nothing heals nothing grows.
A field of mass frustration in your mind.
What exactly are you trying to find?
The angels whimper and the devil laughs.
Watching your mind fall apart and crash.
You seem to me that you want something great.
But in your mind it is I you sedate.
You wanted the world and you could of had it.
Laying in your own ***** and spit.
You seem to be going insane.
Was it me that made you lose your brain?
As hot as this blood may feel.
It is cold as ice sitting on steel.
You ran and cannot be found.
So quiet not even a sound.
You torment your self today.
As we watch you fade away.

I seriously am fighting off depression. I feel it creep up on me. I feel it try to take hold. its so scary. if you seen what depression has done to me. the things it allowed me to do to myself. its ******* terrifying. absolutely ******* terrifying. twice this year I strangled myself. ironically both times the cops pounded on the door. It was that second time I was nearly gone. I even took pics and a video of it. seeing the sweat and the gray in my face. the incoherent look on my face the lack of muscle response. I was nearly asleep. So close. Than that loud familiar bang on the door. It caused a great shot of panic in my resting nearly sleeping body. I felt the veins in my neck pulse forcing the blood past the wrapped extension cord on my neck. I tried to ignore the knock and adrenaline rush. Than my phone rang. they were calling me now. my anxiety grew and I came fully back into reality scared and nervous I frantically shuffle around trying to remove the the cord that was wrapped at least five times around my neck. I struggled and panicked because I couldn't loosen the knot. The banging continued. I was so afraid they were going to kick the door in. the Phone rang again. I knew it was them "unknown" caller at 2am I finally got the cords off from around my neck as i look up i see flash lights shinning into the basement windows. my panic grew, the thoughts of me going to prison because i tried to **** myself. flood my mind. the Phone rang again, hastily I answered. "yeah everything is ok" I spoke as soon as I hit answer. "Mr. Joyce this is the Charlotte police dept. we need you to answer your door." all I could think was there going to take me away again. I'm in trouble because of how I feel. I responded "I'm coming right now I was in the basement" I make my way up the stairs and the music from my tv had to be blaring at nearly max. I didn't remember having it so loud. I run over and hit the ps3 power button cutting all the music entirely and made my way to the front door.

Its a beautiful day and Im with you.
Shamless regrets are forgotten to.
I see you smile and laugh.
I put behind me the misserble past.
You make me feel so wonderful tonight,
I know being held in your arms Im alright.
The nights may be slighty colder.
And the seasons might get older.
But when we sit it seems time stands still.
The love the passion the care the thrill.
Im falling in love this season.
And for all the right reasons.
A true beauty and a beautiful day.
Nothing will ever get in our way.
Friends for now lovers next fall.
Theres nothing more to write thats all

Bashful sins keep you away.
Greedy thoughts cause you to decay.
Gasping in the air of the imagery bull.
Your body so overwhelmed and getting cold.
Traces and images roam your mind.
Careless neglect and fear is all you'l find.
For heavens pride has been laid to rest.
Sitting all alone with the red eyes gazing into you.
Felling sad, frightened and perhaps a bit blue.
Knowing when you took the devils hand.
That you have betrayed the heavens and holy land.
Now waiting for him to take you away.
God would not have wated it this way

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Deep Underground Poetry
Poems   Death  Best friend (Dec.1st 2017)

Image for the poem Best friend (Dec.1st 2017)
Best friend (Dec.1st 2017)
That day my best friend took his life
It wasn't pills, gun, or a knife
Instead he took an extension cord and put it to use
For what brought life to electronics caused the ultimate abuse
The last words he spoke
Before the final choke
I love you man, I'm sorry...

Many calls and messages I tried to send
Was this happening? Was I losing my best friend
A pray to the skies even though I do not believe
Your number rings in the late a.m I awoke semi relived

A female voice spoke I knew than before a word was said
My dearest best friend was really gone and dead
A feeling like never before enveloped me into awareness
Living how we want too but to **** embarrassed

Two days prior you asked, you asked if I would be at your side
And together best friends would honor the welcoming of suicide
And here I sit alone waiting for your guidance to the unknown
Slit wrists, electrical nooses, belly of pills gun shots left my mind blown

I stare into the emptiness of the lost sky
Confused, mentally damanged, still I cry
Life is torn like feathers from a bird
And all of the worlds whispers were heard
Im not so much blinded by the light as I die
It's more of the burning that I tried
But in the end I ultimately failed
And so I stare as the stars began to sail
The sky is thicker now, a little bit alive
But I know that it was to late for good-byes
The words drill in my head forcing me to see
All the sinful things that dwelled inside me
I lost all feeling and I am collapsing inside
And once your walls collapse you cannot hide
The sky is complete stars, planets, and light
I knew at that very moment I wouldent live through the night
Now the whispers and secrets are gone too
Only to wake with the devil and you

I feel alone in a world with so many friends.
Falling fast behind on all the new trends.
Like a worn out work horse. being laid to rest.
My heart was icy cold. behind this warmed chest.
I often wonder how I survived so long.
Pretending to be happy when all was wrong.
I was supposed to die three long years ago.
But I need final closure and wanted you to know.
I was never sad or mad because of you.
You turned things red when they were a saddened blue.
I disappeared like shadow in the night.
I fought through the hate one more time to the light
I wanted you to know just how much you meant.
Even when things unraveled and my mind was bent.
To you who made me feel at ease.
But now I must say goodbye to ride of this disease.
Its not your fault you were always there for me.
Take these words as a gift my final poetry.
Live long, happy and well Don't let them get in the way
On the other side we will meet again some gloomy day

Depression Report #718

f*ck if I know...
It's a good day today. Found a bit of relief.
Sigh...
I just don't know...
I wonder about tomorrow. Will it bring pain?
Sigh... It takes all I have just to sigh.
One more time?
Sigh... It feels better.
But only for now. Hopefully later!
Sigh...
I just want to sleep...

I don't know how I should feel today
My mind slowly drifts away
I feel lonely, lost, with no dedication
And again I am told to take more medication
Is this life what I really want to live?
I have nothing more I could possibly give
To many mistakes leads to a miserable life
Now once again flirting with this knife
I feel worthless, *****, stupid, and dumb
The depression leaves so much pain, yet numb
Suicide is the most thought of everyday
So suicidal I forget to pray
I wish someone would come and save me
With more haste than delay.
Because today I think I'm falling apart.
I'm killing myself with all of my heart.
If it means anything to you who reads.
In the end we all together bleed.
I was sick of hurting and trying.
The relief sets in knowing I am dying.

Foundation of the family blood ties.
Have lost it all in the house of lies.
The demon holds the hellish crest.
As, daddy feels the daughters breast.
Kiss of warmth soon turns cold.
As daddy begins to take the hold.
Muffled with silence, shattered by fears.
The daughter reveals her crystal clear tears.
As daddy stares into her eyes.
He feels her pain as the daughter sleeps in.
As daddy wears the sinister grin.

So beautiful, **** and clean.
It’s something I wish I could be.
Dying so young now I really never had a chance.
She walks so proud in tight designer pants.
Miss popular there’s no doubt in any ones mind.
I try and try to keep up but only ending up losing time.
As she brushes her long beautiful brown hair.
I sit with a hat on covering what is not there.
And you’d think maybe I could get a little attention.
It feels like I am in never ending detention.
She drives a very nice car and has it all.
I stand alone on the yard hoping to play some ball.
She has her life ahead of her, it must be so nice.
Thinking of these lonely wrists, slice, slice.
***, fashion, happiness and rock and roll.
I have nothing and it’s spiraling out of control.
Shes going to live for a very long time indeed.
The doctor told me I have five years left to take it easy.
How ironic is life, when she crashes and dies the next night.
As I keep pushing through this five year fight.

Its nearly 3 am yet again
Up late lonely wondering about friends
I look back on all the friends that come and go
Than there's that rare few that remained for the show
As time presses on suicides leaving me behind
A couple left so distant "busy" sure that's fine
Attempts to find new friends and again just used
Money, greed, my time stolen just more abuse
I fall back on the few true friends that remain
And again just to busy, from them all its just the same
Lonely, stressed, looking for that friend to talk to
Unanswered texts for days, calls ignored from me to you
Feelings darken, questions flood my mind
Why I am no longer worth anyone's thoughts and time
Checking back in to me seldomly here and there
I really think but no longer feel you really care
A self image in the mirror ugly, depressed, broken teeth
Caring, loyal, honest, fun, loving, creative this is what lies beneath
Hating myself, because I feel you in fact hate me
Is this what is created after years of laughter and insanity
I know you live a busy life, well so do I
But a time in need is a time indeed, alone asking why
I've poured all my emotions, strength, love and effort into you
A slight fraction of that in return would be amazing and true
Yet I struggle alone in the chaos and madness of life
Sorting through the emotional pieces sorting wrongs from right
Destined to be alone I regretfully and sadly realize
I'm nothing special nor important just a lost memory in everyone minds
I accept the failure, I accept this dreadful defeat
Just know after this suicide you will never be able to call on me
Cry tears of nothing and act like now you really did care
But those little texts and smiles, those times you could have been there.
Its to late now, no its not your fault it was a personal choice
My life, my emotions, my body, my unheard voice
Just please when I'm dead and gone dont act like you give a ****
Because truly in the end it was you all I missed

friends have came and gone over the years
but to those who remained through my trials and fears
I really thought like way down deep inside
with love and compassion your in for the life long ride
only those few I entrust the deepest inner me
now stranded in darkness with no friends to see
reaching out not for pity but to see how you've been
the lack of emotions and compassion is this really my friend
swept aside claims of being too busy followed by an empty sorry
communication sparks a smile feeling now ok with me
more silence as days pass on into nights
often wondering if I should call to make sure your alright
I take it with a grain of salt and wait a few more days
inside my head all the fun crazy times with you play
wishing to smile but those joyous memories bring pain
Am I no longer worth it, worthless, stupid perhaps insane
shaky hands and a deep depressed mind
what to text and say carefully choosing my rhymes
afraid of a response that will sink me even darker in my mind
instead no response at all counting down the time
I wish you were there even for a second at least
feeling sadder drifting farther from any kind of peace
I am always here for you always have been always will
starring into an empty phone time seems to stand still
feeling less important now almost worthless in ways
a reply back after a week, month, to many days
same story just from another best  friend
Is being to busy how this friendship ends?

The sun hazed out by the winters snow.
Time will rot, for time is to slow.
It’s to late now all has gone up in smoke
And in the warmth I was just a joke
Now frozen to the bone we try to survive
Doing all we can to stay alive
I pray for protection from the frost giants that near
The torturing of this slow death we all fear
If we make it through this cold night
Will we awake tomorrow with our sight
Frozen, Frozen, Frozen
The doors to life are closing
As the sun takes a peak it smiles as if he’s teasing
Only for us to try and cry, we were freezing
the temperature goes down even colder
I was so cold I could not even hold her
Frozen, frozen, frozen
This is not the life I have chosen

Do you feel depressed and all alone?
Passing depressing thoughts by getting ******.
Listening to your parents because they know whats best.
Going to school and the bully pokes at your chest.
Coming home every other day with black and blue eyes.
You keep your self locked away and everyone wonders why.
Does it seem like everyone so smiley and happy?
Do you wonder why you can't be?
Don't you hate when it seems like you don't exist?
Still keeping to yourself filling with rage getting pist?
Wondering how you could get back at them.
As you remove your *** from its last stem.
Getting closer to those feelings of suicide.
Everyone asks and still the feelings you hide.
Filled in a world with sad and stupid regrets.
Thinking of all the ******* taunts and threats.
And when people push you to listen and talk.
Thinking empty thoughts on that cold lonely walk.
But the control over them is on your side.
It's up to you if your ready for your suicide.

Too much stress i feel depressed
my lifes so fast its blurring past
Hells an eternity so big and bold,
my world possessions i wish i'd sold
I dont need them here or anywhere
its not like anyones gonna care
To Hell with you I'll pull myself through
I've been here before, at deaths door
Dont cry for me when i'm gone, just sell my house and burn my lawn
She said the flowers didnt die... they sat there idle and made her cry
Dont say goodbye, its too late
so shut the door and lock the gate
leave me here in my room today
hello to hell is all i'll say

Hey there stranger, you want to know something about me?
The struggles from manic thinking to a peaceful zone of apathy
I look in the mirror and think, think back on my childhood days
Hiding in closets, attics and further outside my home
The abuse endured daily, finding comfort being alone
The sadistic thinking of a troubled mother and father
Exhausting my self to please and make you happy, why even bother
The choices you made and the darkness you brought upon me
The self in the mirror is engulfed in a mental, torturous, agony
All the negatives have stored themselves deep within
A look back on any happy days and notice none were mine
I got through it and I moved far and beyond that
They still linger and attack though, pulling me back into the dark
The past haunts in the most unusual and complex ways
I find myself most comfortable on my darkest days
I can smile when I cut myself, punch myself and even eat soap
I look for someone that mistreat me and hang me from this rope
I dont think I can handle or even understand love
Keep smiling as the dusty memories are swept under the rug
Its when that rug is shaken I see and feel the real me
Masochism borderline sadism, stuck in this abuse for eternity
The only thing I know is how to not treat my kids and loved ones
Have yet to slip, only with myself. If that time comes my hand is on the gun

I do a lot of great things and I really do like me
I can honestly look into the mirror and see beyond insecurity
But when I slip and become that blurry shadow of shame
Your there to prove its all true and I'm just part of your game
I feel like I'm above average and that feels good
On any given day this goes away because your misunderstood
I can look at myself and say I love you
Those dark days you make it feel so untrue
I can love myself for me but I have my dark days
The only time you want to love is when your ready to prey
I may be yours for now, but do know this
I will stop you  from putting holes in my happiness

So I'm sitting here kind of awake
This is probably for you make no mistake
I can't help but feel your stress and pain
I call myself genius to some I'm just insane
I had a dream last night and I actually remembered
That I have a friend this crazy September
I really don't know what you will bring to share
Honestly I dont even care
Sorry that kind of sounded wrong
Perks of writing a random poem and or song
Anyway for whatever reason your helping make it right
Because down and depressed and I still find the urge to write
I suppose I owe you another thank you
For whatever it is that you do
I hope you were able to smile today
I did just for a short while anyway
So I guess this is a hello and goodnight
Tossing and turning in my nightmares I will help you fight

Distant not by my choice but mental corruption
Smiling and laughing involuntarily participating in self destruction
I miss all your smiles and laughs those good times
Covered in more emotional and physical scars lying "im fine"
Dont worry about me this life is better and its great
Sadly I lie to all who care, I just dont want you to see me this way.
I'm afraid if I open up my feelings to any of you
The dark and tormented will grab hold and stick like glue
I'm sorry I lie but its only because i love and care for you all
Even I dont know you, id never wish you on this side of The wall
I know there are ones out there that relate and understand
Even than feeling I should keep distant though wishing to hold hands
I dont know how much longer I really have to live
The best I can do is thank you for taking the time to read this

I have this thought, it never leaves my head
I imagine I'm better off gone just a memory, dead
You see, the afterlife is maybe unknown but I am sure
So sure that the pain of this life will end the greatest cure
Than you have the ones that would suffer and relive your pain
Double edged sword, everyone pays the same
Selfish they all say, but I am living for you
I'm miserable and beyond help there's nothing anyone can do
Sure future smiles and laughs I would definitely miss
But look around you, violence, hate, greed, all of this
I am good and I mean even better
But just like a bird that flies gracefully and loses a feather
The bird can fly and carry on a peaceful life indeed
I'm just the falling feather waiting to land, imbed and seed
There's more beyond this life of misery and pain of decaying
When your finally gone and here you'll know what I am saying

Dress me up Im all about glamour.
Take these nuts and bust them with a hammer.
Time to go to the bathroom and powder my nose.
Fixing my skirt and fishnet pantyhose.
I don't want to be me, I want to be a girl.
Skinny I need to be, belimac watch me hurl.
God I love this **** silky bra.
In everyones eyes a man they saw.
But underneath the clothes and skin.
Waits a happy little girl waiting to begin.
Her happy little life in gogo boots and mini skirts.
I think about the **** sl*t in me and it hurts.
No money for an operation, so I'll just cut it off.
No more turn your head and cough.
One day by all I will be seen.
As the inner me transforms into a beauty queen

Quick to anger harder to please, something lurks silently beneath.
Rusted skin like some kind of mechanical animal dying in the rain.
Only one thing to show and tell today and that is his pain.
Quiet, a mute perhaps? The final bow takes place the audience claps.
Back at home the rust is carved away with memories of displeasure.
The severity of this mans illness can not be measured.
Like in all the other poems he tattered and wrote.
So ***** nothing helps not even the harshest of soaps.
The rust falls to the floor, quick to cover his ****** scars.
Inhaling to a faint exhale gazing up into the infinite abyss of stars.
Walking back into his house with boarded windows and paper covered mirrors.
It s the only thing that silences and hides his fears.
Backstage again getting ready for his painful mechanic show.
Apply the make up just a couple of rusting wounds to sew.
Drugs to keep him going just for this one last time.
The sickness is set aside a voice in his head says all will be fine.
The entrance caused an uproar. The audience wants to see more.
The machine like puppet stripped of his clothes showing all the rust.
A self mistake of the same self hatred hate threw away all trust.
As he looks up and sees he is only the reflection in the mirror.
The changing inside became so unclear.
He finally realized he has never left his house in years.
Attacking himself in the mirror hoping to **** what he sees.
The screams of agony run, jump and flee.
A suicidal disaster nothing could save him this time.
A true inspiration, the next suicide shall be mine

We talk, we chat, typing on the keyboard.
Pictures you I collect, file and hoard.
I laugh, I cry, I tell you all about me.
Even being so beautiful, your so friendly.
Chat room to IM and IMs to e-mail.
Talking with you never gets stale.
E-mails to IMs and IMs to the phone.
Always making me feel better when I feel alone.
I get attached, you get attached, we fall in love.
So close to one, yet to far away for hugs.
You laugh at my jokes and cry with my pain.
We share childhood memories of playing in the rain.
From IMs, to phone, from phone to person we finally meet.
happy and joyful we hug and kiss, so happy to be.
time has passed we cherish, love and finally marry.
the laughter continues, over the sands it’s you I carry.
Together forever, always it was meant to be.
I guess good things come from Internet curiosity

My depression is greater than ever.
These sad lonely wrist I will sever.
I'm turning into someone I don't want to be.
everyone complains but no one is helping me.
I'm to gone and locked deep into myself.
Often wondering about this mental health.
I am not stable I am lost and sad.
I'm at the point, I have given all I had.
So if your not going to be here for me.
Than there's no time to wait and see.
Because I'm dying and I have no time left.
Before I finally lay to rest.
I often wondered if you cared.
Because those feelings were not shared.
It's not only you that I have died.
It's not only you that made me cry.
It was life it self, that's for sure.
Now everything is sad and hateful blur.
I'm sorry that I left you all and died.
This grieving process drove me to suicide.

Its stuck inside like a barbed pin needle in a voodoo doll
Stuffed away, pressed down and to be made to feel nothing all
Sometimes discarded for days, unlucky streaks leaves me laying for months
Since I've been bought I haven't felt love, not even once
Just propped up put on sad and pathetic display
Waiting for some kind of attention any kind of play
Sitting here quietly collecting dust and partial sun
Wishing these lifeless legs could get up and run
Treated and discarded as an old raggedy doll
Forever waiting for attention... That is all

Tonight, I just dont feel the same
Kinda nice, kinda a shame
Two friends left and there fading away  
Living yet another ******* day  
Depressed but I feel for all the wrong reasons  
Standing outside watching the skies change season's  
Sick of being a puppet, sick of being used  
Sick of my own messed up abuse  
Why can't I just let go tonight and be done  
No matter what I try life has become dull, nothing fun  
I don't even know why I write and communicate it seems all a waste    
I'm not even bleeding yet and blood I can taste  
Another struggle, another poem, another ******* day  
I'm at the point I could care less of feelings and what you say  
Most likely your just another problem I let into my life  
**** the gun, lets do this painfully slow with this here knife  
I've bleed nearly everyday just sitting writing this ****  
Another suicidal poem written for you all to put up with  
Dont worry though life isn't forever and neither am I  
But as long as I write Ill be your painful reminder to as why

I am very sorry if you hate me.
I am very sorry if you don't like my poetry.
I am very sorry for me being me.
I will change if you ask politely.
I am just a fleshy little puppet.
Just tell me to shut up.
Take your hate out on my guts.

I hear a knock on the door
I take notice to the whisky on the floor
A quick spray of fragrance
Adrenaline pumps, lets dance
Kicking the bottle under the bed
Quickly fixing the hair on my face and head
Answering the door, greeting with a smile
Chatting and laughing for quit a awhile
The dark thoughts enter my head
Her and I are forever dead
Control myself and play it cool
Laughing with beauty she thinks I'm a fool
I can feel it, she wants my money and worth
Not me though and that **** hurts
What hurts more is the stabbing of her pretty face
Faster and faster like some kind of death race
Now she's ******, silent, yet still pretty cute
I grab my gun, aim to my head and try too shoot
No bang just a click, I'm frozen with fear
A knock at the door! She's finally here

I hear myself cry in mental pain.
The struggle with life and death only gains.
And inside my flooding head it still rains.
Release me from this rusting clasping chains.
There must be some kind of promising change.
I'm so numb and stupid I don't know my name.
My head is changing, it never stays the same.
Here I am in control of the wrecking train.
Who's to blame, who's to blame?
I swallowed it, I swallowed it all today.
It was the toughest to ever come my way.
feeling memories sadly fade away.
It was so hard living day by day.
I lived forever and watched all decay.
And it comes the last days of May.
Speechless with just one last thing to say.
Maybe your world wasn't made for me to hide.
Once again I have committed myself to suicide.

Going to school today not even making a sound.
The adrenaline rush makes my heart pound.
Just me and my lunch box today thats all I need.
I got so much food in here the whole lunchroom I could feed.
No ones going to have to steal my lunch today.
I will practically be giving it away.
The bell rings it’s time to begin with first hour.
I sit front row with my lunch box and don’t even cower.
They laugh at me saying “Oh did mommy make your lunch?”
After first hour I am in the halls, they taunt and punch.
I stagger to second hour still holding my lunch box.
These sticks and stones fell like logs and rocks.
It’s ok though.
Only two more hours to go.
By third class Iv’e been quite abused.
Teachers laughing so fckng amused.
the bell rings its finally time to go and eat.
Once again in the lunchroom I have no seat.
I raise my lunch box standing proud and high.
I yell as loud as I can “who’s ready to die?”
They all laugh like I am some fckng joke.
This lunch box is about to open and smoke.
I reach inside and flailed my armed hand.
Firing off rounds of hate, I am making a stand.
I don’t know how many I shot and killed that day.
But this lunch box warrior got his way

I am looking into the mirror at a madman.
Fist to chest and face as fast as I can.
I was only born and forced to be a man.
It is time to reveal what is in this minds eye.
It's either you or me but one of us are going to die.
The anger builds as I isolate my self to cry.
The words the slaps they all transform this.
Now finding that my old self doesn't exist.
And there is nothing now that I will ever miss.

I stand so proud and tall.
With my nose pressed against the wall.
I know I was naughty, is this why your punishing me?
pssng my pants, you make me get on my knees.
Naughty Boy! Naughty Boy you shout.
After your done smelling that, I am washing your mouth out!
My nose sore from being punished by you.
What next? What now are you going to do?
the bar of soap inserts my mouth all the way to my throat.
I wont be naughty anymore than my privates were groped.
I know I looked in your ***** drawer today.
Now I am going to really pay.
Trying them on I know there for you.
I guess this naughty boy had no clue.
Putting them on my head and shoving them in my mouth.
Still at the same time washing my mouth out.
Waiting for you to come back today.
I am not scared Iv’e been naughty in every way.
No please I am not hungry, don’t make me eat the vegetables.
I sit and pout at the kitchen table.
forcing them into my mouth and making me swallow.
You lead on a leash and I am forced to follow.
I am your pet, your naughty little slave.
And it’s almost time to play.
But we both know what comes first.
The cutting of my arms to satisfy your thirst.

I sit alone, forcing myself in solitude
Fearing my anger and demolition of an attitude
Struggling with suicide and homicide thoughts alike
Living this nightmare, never knowing when I may strike

I pray for life, I pray for death
Mental shutdowns leaving one big mess
A struggle, A nightmare, no relief in sight
Closing the shades to the moon, it s to bright

The crazy thoughts come and go
Suicide watchman loses his way on patrol
Writing, striking, knocking on deaths door
Instead of me it s the few that I love and adore

Clenching teeth until they break
I m still paying for those fckd up mistakes
Still horrified at self actions and emotional pain
Knowing my loved ones ignore the signs of me being insane

But than again maybe I hide it all to well
A rotting empty self hiding in a happy little shell
Sometimes my true colors bleed through and show
Spreading my pain and emptiness for all to know

Sometimes it pushes some even farther away
And really truly, to me that s ok
I never needed the company of them or you
I will puzzle the pieces of my mental illness through and through

Once this nightmare is over and done
Another will arrive with the setting of the sun

The night sky was split into two
When I fell deep into you
The mere thought of suicide
Left wrists of sadness open wide

The night sky cried, yet it wasn't rain
Only sad memories, blood and pain
Loving you one last time, a final try
Kissing lifeless lips, your empty eyes I dry

A ancient spell I speak, reunite we will
The night sky flashes, time stands still
Reaching inside all the way to your soul
Through the madness I lost control

I can't help but want to remove your skin
Touching your cold body I grin
You can live! Well as long as I
The excitement builds as I look to the sky

Reaching for your sad and suicidal blade
Feeling your emotions wanting to play
The cutting, is quite easier than I thought
Glancing to the sky the clouds and moon fought

So much skin I nearly have it all
Nervous laughter echoes from the hall
The night sky sent us a friend indeed
Sowing the seeds of flesh is what we need

Needles and thread the work was quick
Nails to lips I felt every poke and *****
A look into the mirror the skies creation
A horrifying, grotesque, abomination

What exactly is it I have unknowing done
Moonlight from the sky glistens the gun
Crying, I fall back into your life
One shot rang I wasn't finished where's the knife

Time stood quiet as I held onto you
Crying and holding you is all I could do
The night sky swallowed by the daybreak
Your suicide was not the only mistake