I stand so proud and tall.
With my nose pressed against the wall.
I know I was naughty, is this why your punishing me?
pssng my pants, you make me get on my knees.
Naughty Boy! Naughty Boy you shout.
After your done smelling that, I am washing your mouth out!
My nose sore from being punished by you.
What next? What now are you going to do?
the bar of soap inserts my mouth all the way to my throat.
I wont be naughty anymore than my privates were groped.
I know I looked in your ***** drawer today.
Now I am going to really pay.
Trying them on I know there for you.
I guess this naughty boy had no clue.
Putting them on my head and shoving them in my mouth.
Still at the same time washing my mouth out.
Waiting for you to come back today.
I am not scared Iv’e been naughty in every way.
No please I am not hungry, don’t make me eat the vegetables.
I sit and pout at the kitchen table.
forcing them into my mouth and making me swallow.
You lead on a leash and I am forced to follow.
I am your pet, your naughty little slave.
And it’s almost time to play.
But we both know what comes first.
The cutting of my arms to satisfy your thirst.

To those who say suicide is selfish
Understand you can never understand what they delt with
You may say you have it worse than they did
On deeper levels that **** was well hid
Somethings easy to you may be the hardest for others
Its not easy to leave mothers, fathers, sons, and daughters
Your strength my weakness, your weakness my strength
Those who suffer go through many trials of a dark never ending length
Some wear there scars on there sleeves
Others hide it tucked well deep beneath
Help sometimes is not what they really need
I can assure you this wasn't a selfish and greedy deed
They loved you so much, more than you'll ever know
Sometimes in an ironic way the better is finally letting go
Whether you believe in afterlife or rather nothing at all
Remember the best of times and for them stand proud and tall
There being may no longer reside on our earthly plane
But forever in our hearts and mind they shall always remain
We will never fully understand and comprehend
I'm not a religious man but I know we will reunite in the end

Suicide is the worlds horror.
We cut open our wrists more and more.
The bullet lodged in his head.
Left him twitching but not dead.
Will he try again?
Or will he be saved by a friend?
That's kinda of hard when you have none.
As another bullet is placed into the gun.
Depressed and paralyzed from the waist down.
His eyes are closed not even looking around.
Swallow his pride like if had any at all.
Soon emotions will be painted on the wall.
suicide is the worlds horror.
We delay our lies more and more.
Pills, guns, love, depression it's all here.
No longer is suicide something we fear.
Because when pain gets so great.
We will do anything for the great escape.
Suicide is the worlds horror.
Would you like a little more?

The words came out faster than I thought.
Than mother and I argued and fought.
It should not happened this way.
I will never forget my cleansing that day.
In and out repeat and rinse.
Never again have swore since.

A handful of sleeping pills and some beer
Reckless behavior I engage because I longer care... Its near
The only people that love me are judgemental *******
That's ok though.
Because when I am dead and gone you'll pretend you care
I seen it first hand weeping because I am no longer there
I sit here and think about me and my pain

Thoughts of suicide I try and refrain
It only gets harder though
As I mentally spiral out of control
Ill leave behind my writings of poetry
Expressing my distaste in life and ever living agony

The mood is set, the coffin comes to rest.
Tears and laughter God bless.
The dirt topples over my new found home.
Set to rot and reveal my emotions and bones.

Wait... Why am I still thinking?
My heart beats my eyes blinking.
Hard to breathe, so hard to breathe.
A slight jerking motion, whats beneath?

The coffin moves, I know its moving.
The sound of flowing water so soothing.
Scraps and bumps the coffin rattles around.
Screaming for nothing I can't make a sound.

Razor roots intrude into my resting space.
Cutting at my wrists and my confused face.
Water seeps in quickly turning to a flood.
Thrashing in razors water and mud.

Fighting and holding on to life whatever that means.
A small speck of light can be seen!
I can do this I can escape.
Drowning in emotions of hysterical rage.

Almost there I can feel the way out.
Still struggling to scream and shout.
Water fills the remaining spaces only to suffocate.
Two deaths in a day can anyone relate?

Stick me with needles deep into my skin
Extracting the innocence that is held in my mind, deep within
To the social eye I am a monster a demented creep
Behind these scars and sadness better lies beneath
So quick to judge and make an assumption
To fearful to approach, afraid of pushing buttons
I look evil and my poetry is even darker
Separating myself from you all even farther
If you took the time to get to know me
Id bring rest to your worries and curiosity
But make no mistake, you hurt me I will ****
Begging to lock me up because I am mentally ill
I've given my last dime and the shirt of my back
To a homeless man and he was black
Racist, monster, ill tempered, you got it all wrong
Judge me for my looks, my poetry, and my songs
Once that needle is inserted and you take out my seed
Finally you'll realize this world needs misunderstood people like me

Crazy little things, crazy little cuts.
The voice in my head tells me its a must.
Staying alive is driving me fckng nuts.

Hate myself and all the people in the world.
The emotions trapped in my mind are hurled.
The vision of wisdom has been blurred.

If I could ask you to **** me, would you?
Loving me with hatred its what I want you to do.
Strangle my thoughts until my lips turn blue.

No more love, no more life, just stains of me.
Blame my suicide on the sole fact it was curiosity.
Its your own fault you didn't set me free.

The conclusion is you never really understood.
The evil in me was actually meant to be good.
Living, this I am aware that I should.

To late now forever frozen in space and time.
Meeting in the afterlife we can finally unwind.
Even though I am gone you will always be mine.

I feel so sick and I'm alone.
Listening to the empty dial tone.
Starring out the window at a miserable dream.
I sit quietly because no one would hear me scream.
Watching the fury things scramble on the T.V.
Pumped full of depression, sitting in the world that killed me.
Pacing around wondering how I even managed to move.
I know below these wrists my blood still runs blue.
Sitting, standing, walking, anything to pass the time.
The way I think should be considered a crime.
I can't speak of what I really think and feel.
And the nightmares become all to real.
I look outside as I turn off the lights.
Letting the manic episodes give way to eerie voices and sights.
If I could let my mind rest than I would know.
When I come to lively and deadly fork in the road Ill know which way to go.

Going to school today not even making a sound.
The adrenaline rush makes my heart pound.
Just me and my lunch box today thats all I need.
I got so much food in here the whole lunchroom I could feed.
No ones going to have to steal my lunch today.
I will practically be giving it away.
The bell rings it’s time to begin with first hour.
I sit front row with my lunch box and don’t even cower.
They laugh at me saying “Oh did mommy make your lunch?”
After first hour I am in the halls, they taunt and punch.
I stagger to second hour still holding my lunch box.
These sticks and stones fell like logs and rocks.
It’s ok though.
Only two more hours to go.
By third class Iv’e been quite abused.
Teachers laughing so fckng amused.
the bell rings its finally time to go and eat.
Once again in the lunchroom I have no seat.
I raise my lunch box standing proud and high.
I yell as loud as I can “who’s ready to die?”
They all laugh like I am some fckng joke.
This lunch box is about to open and smoke.
I reach inside and flailed my armed hand.
Firing off rounds of hate, I am making a stand.
I don’t know how many I shot and killed that day.
But this lunch box warrior got his way

Dress me up Im all about glamour.
Take these nuts and bust them with a hammer.
Time to go to the bathroom and powder my nose.
Fixing my skirt and fishnet pantyhose.
I don't want to be me, I want to be a girl.
Skinny I need to be, belimac watch me hurl.
God I love this **** silky bra.
In everyones eyes a man they saw.
But underneath the clothes and skin.
Waits a happy little girl waiting to begin.
Her happy little life in gogo boots and mini skirts.
I think about the **** sl*t in me and it hurts.
No money for an operation, so I'll just cut it off.
No more turn your head and cough.
One day by all I will be seen.
As the inner me transforms into a beauty queen

I hate myself, I wish I would die.
Its like starring death in his eyes.
But death never makes a move or sound.
Its like time stopped but everyone moves around.
I flirt with razors and guns.
Only stopping because of my daughters and son.
If something takes me, take me soon.
I wish I would die this very afternoon.
To much stress, to much pressure.
To much pain, not enough pleasure.
Quietly laying and starring at the ceiling.
Suffering from a malfunctioning thing called feelings.

Im so empty, not much left to love.
I shake my head riding of.
Oh I don't want to live this life.
Slice... with the knife.
Coral reefs and other pretty things.
Angel's with harps begin to sing.
Oh these things were destroyed.
Stab... This life I try to void.
Running coverd in honey falling to my knees.
Spoiled meat, feeling the stings of the bees.
Please... Oh God help me please.
Come and set me free.
Troubled, sad, lost, confused.
I am never happy and never amused.
This life was not for me.
Dialated pupils, sunglasses, I cannot see.
We are all made of static and tv.
Now I have lost my envy.
This life was not for me.
This life was not for me

Depression Report #718

f*ck if I know...
It's a good day today. Found a bit of relief.
Sigh...
I just don't know...
I wonder about tomorrow. Will it bring pain?
Sigh... It takes all I have just to sigh.
One more time?
Sigh... It feels better.
But only for now. Hopefully later!
Sigh...
I just want to sleep...

Do you feel depressed and all alone?
Passing depressing thoughts by getting ******.
Listening to your parents because they know whats best.
Going to school and the bully pokes at your chest.
Coming home every other day with black and blue eyes.
You keep your self locked away and everyone wonders why.
Does it seem like everyone so smiley and happy?
Do you wonder why you can't be?
Don't you hate when it seems like you don't exist?
Still keeping to yourself filling with rage getting pist?
Wondering how you could get back at them.
As you remove your *** from its last stem.
Getting closer to those feelings of suicide.
Everyone asks and still the feelings you hide.
Filled in a world with sad and stupid regrets.
Thinking of all the ******* taunts and threats.
And when people push you to listen and talk.
Thinking empty thoughts on that cold lonely walk.
But the control over them is on your side.
It's up to you if your ready for your suicide.

How much I feel inside today is painful to mention.
Naughty again sitting in detention.
This medication doesn't help how I feel.
Is there anything that will allow me to heal.
I'm in danger every minute of my pitiful life.
Looking once again to get ahold of a knife.
I'm going crazy and I don't know what to do.
To feel better I fantasize about you.
But your already dead and gone.
And we continue life as nothing is wrong.
Sin emerges out of nowhere like an earthquake.
There's not much more of this I can take.
So far from reality everyone is gone again.
I can't even rely on a single friend.
But in the end I think it will be ok.
Every night I sleep I pray again for a better day.
Will it come? No one knows.
I guess we wait for spring rain to drip from the rose.

I feel alone in a world with so many friends.
Falling fast behind on all the new trends.
Like a worn out work horse. being laid to rest.
My heart was icy cold. behind this warmed chest.
I often wonder how I survived so long.
Pretending to be happy when all was wrong.
I was supposed to die three long years ago.
But I need final closure and wanted you to know.
I was never sad or mad because of you.
You turned things red when they were a saddened blue.
I disappeared like shadow in the night.
I fought through the hate one more time to the light
I wanted you to know just how much you meant.
Even when things unraveled and my mind was bent.
To you who made me feel at ease.
But now I must say goodbye to ride of this disease.
Its not your fault you were always there for me.
Take these words as a gift my final poetry.
Live long, happy and well Don't let them get in the way
On the other side we will meet again some gloomy day

deep in the inner circle I stood.
surrounded by people. wanting to hurt or **** me. I produced my gun and shot. i shot to **** and defend and that's what happened. but no one ran or fled. they froze in fear. my yells and war Cry's did not move them the slightest. I roared and howled with no avail. I shot again killing this time just killing. And still they all stood around not moving not making a sound. just standing, watching, and staring but still blocking my way to freedom an escape. Another shot, another death, closer to an escape.

I want to be...
I want to be seen.

I'm the twelve year old girl looking for escape.
I'm the slutty little innocence looking for ****.
Take my hand, kiss me, love me, stand by my side.
Play with me, I'll be at the playground around five.
Feel my preteen ******* as your **** grows.
Give me attention, tell me I'm ****, don't let go.
Let me flatter you with the little I know.
Faster and faster please don't slow.
Tell me how cute I look in my skirt today.
Hold my hand and take me far, far away.
I know your older and I think that's ****.
Do whatever, whatever you want to me.
Smiling at school as my braces shine in the light.
Keeping my teeth straight and a stuffed bra to look right.
Everyone warns me, but don't worry I don't listen.
Because after school it's you I'll be kissin'.
I know you'll love and take care of me.
**** the world, counseling, and therapy.
I lost my family and friends but your still there.
And the money and drugs you have, you share.
No more school and far away from home.
Where are you? Now I am all alone.

I am three years old and it s ***** training time
I m so excited this whole day is going to be mine
On the toilet I try an try
I can t do it, I let out a cry
Babysitter is not mad though, she just smiles
Looking at me she says it s ok we will try in awhile
Mom comes home from a bad day at work again
As I say good-bye to my babysitting friend
Mommy sees the messy underwear in the bathroom
She picks them up, I feel a certain doom
She yells at me what is this
The poopy, pss infested ****** are clenched in her fist
Sit on the toilet now, it s time you learn
Rubbing the ****** on my face until it burned
*** now dmn it, she rubs and yells
My eyes fill with tears and my eye lids swell
I really want to learn mommy I really do
Did you go? She shouts, I m not done with you
Putting the ****** over my face and made to lay on the floor
Forced into a diaper, humiliated to the core
Left in the corner of discipline all through  the night
I hope tomorrow babysitter will help me get it right

As cold as the air might have seemed.
No matter how many nights you have screamed.
Nothing comes and nothing goes.
In your world nothing heals nothing grows.
A field of mass frustration in your mind.
What exactly are you trying to find?
The angels whimper and the devil laughs.
Watching your mind fall apart and crash.
You seem to me that you want something great.
But in your mind it is I you sedate.
You wanted the world and you could of had it.
Laying in your own ***** and spit.
You seem to be going insane.
Was it me that made you lose your brain?
As hot as this blood may feel.
It is cold as ice sitting on steel.
You ran and cannot be found.
So quiet not even a sound.
You torment your self today.
As we watch you fade away.

friends have came and gone over the years
but to those who remained through my trials and fears
I really thought like way down deep inside
with love and compassion your in for the life long ride
only those few I entrust the deepest inner me
now stranded in darkness with no friends to see
reaching out not for pity but to see how you've been
the lack of emotions and compassion is this really my friend
swept aside claims of being too busy followed by an empty sorry
communication sparks a smile feeling now ok with me
more silence as days pass on into nights
often wondering if I should call to make sure your alright
I take it with a grain of salt and wait a few more days
inside my head all the fun crazy times with you play
wishing to smile but those joyous memories bring pain
Am I no longer worth it, worthless, stupid perhaps insane
shaky hands and a deep depressed mind
what to text and say carefully choosing my rhymes
afraid of a response that will sink me even darker in my mind
instead no response at all counting down the time
I wish you were there even for a second at least
feeling sadder drifting farther from any kind of peace
I am always here for you always have been always will
starring into an empty phone time seems to stand still
feeling less important now almost worthless in ways
a reply back after a week, month, to many days
same story just from another best  friend
Is being to busy how this friendship ends?

I stare into the emptiness of the lost sky
Confused, mentally damanged, still I cry
Life is torn like feathers from a bird
And all of the worlds whispers were heard
Im not so much blinded by the light as I die
It's more of the burning that I tried
But in the end I ultimately failed
And so I stare as the stars began to sail
The sky is thicker now, a little bit alive
But I know that it was to late for good-byes
The words drill in my head forcing me to see
All the sinful things that dwelled inside me
I lost all feeling and I am collapsing inside
And once your walls collapse you cannot hide
The sky is complete stars, planets, and light
I knew at that very moment I wouldent live through the night
Now the whispers and secrets are gone too
Only to wake with the devil and you

I am lifeless forced sitting still.
Hundreds of cuts no blood to spill.
Slaps and punches still I won't bruise.
Just don't leave me I am here to abuse.

Spill your pain onto me.
Lost on a suicidal journey.
Breaking through.
To something new.

Still lifeless, still no pain.
Come and attack me again.
Force your fears into my mind.
Seal it away never to remind.

Just don't leave me.
I will take your agony.

We talk, we chat, typing on the keyboard.
Pictures you I collect, file and hoard.
I laugh, I cry, I tell you all about me.
Even being so beautiful, your so friendly.
Chat room to IM and IMs to e-mail.
Talking with you never gets stale.
E-mails to IMs and IMs to the phone.
Always making me feel better when I feel alone.
I get attached, you get attached, we fall in love.
So close to one, yet to far away for hugs.
You laugh at my jokes and cry with my pain.
We share childhood memories of playing in the rain.
From IMs, to phone, from phone to person we finally meet.
happy and joyful we hug and kiss, so happy to be.
time has passed we cherish, love and finally marry.
the laughter continues, over the sands it’s you I carry.
Together forever, always it was meant to be.
I guess good things come from Internet curiosity

A psychedelic race has began.
Feeling this is so grand.
Walk with me hand in hand.
Show me how much you care.
Take this mushroom if you dare.
Your vision and feelings will impair.
Come walk with me into another world.
Let everything uncurl.
This summer breeze makes me feel alright.
So peaceful and non uptight.
Everything is fabulous and bright.
Come with me tonight.

Deep in the woods of sin holds a golden gallows.
The beautiful waters glisten in the shallows.

The trees weep with the sight of sad misery.
The ground buries the remnants of artillery.

A magical place of fantasy and death.
The creeping moss takes one final breath.

An untainted paradise that will remain for years.
Only holding memories of death and fears.

One day the grounds will be trampled yet again.
Lost in life death is truly my only friend.

-

Deep in the woods of sin holds sadness that is true.
The beautiful waters run with blood red hue.

The trees struggle for growth and might.
The ground slowly gives way into the night.
'
A magical place that has fallen to death of man.
Moss sharp and brittle cutting of fingers and hands.

The tainted paradise stained with screams and blood.
Quietly sweeping branches under natures rug.

The grounds have been trampled nature has been disturbed.
Death of man is truly deserved

Its nearly 3 am yet again
Up late lonely wondering about friends
I look back on all the friends that come and go
Than there's that rare few that remained for the show
As time presses on suicides leaving me behind
A couple left so distant "busy" sure that's fine
Attempts to find new friends and again just used
Money, greed, my time stolen just more abuse
I fall back on the few true friends that remain
And again just to busy, from them all its just the same
Lonely, stressed, looking for that friend to talk to
Unanswered texts for days, calls ignored from me to you
Feelings darken, questions flood my mind
Why I am no longer worth anyone's thoughts and time
Checking back in to me seldomly here and there
I really think but no longer feel you really care
A self image in the mirror ugly, depressed, broken teeth
Caring, loyal, honest, fun, loving, creative this is what lies beneath
Hating myself, because I feel you in fact hate me
Is this what is created after years of laughter and insanity
I know you live a busy life, well so do I
But a time in need is a time indeed, alone asking why
I've poured all my emotions, strength, love and effort into you
A slight fraction of that in return would be amazing and true
Yet I struggle alone in the chaos and madness of life
Sorting through the emotional pieces sorting wrongs from right
Destined to be alone I regretfully and sadly realize
I'm nothing special nor important just a lost memory in everyone minds
I accept the failure, I accept this dreadful defeat
Just know after this suicide you will never be able to call on me
Cry tears of nothing and act like now you really did care
But those little texts and smiles, those times you could have been there.
Its to late now, no its not your fault it was a personal choice
My life, my emotions, my body, my unheard voice
Just please when I'm dead and gone dont act like you give a ****
Because truly in the end it was you all I missed

Cursing and swearing just got me in trouble.
Sitting there on the toilet blowing bubbles.
Yeah I never really learned from soap.
Until one day I lost all my glee and hope.
My mother was being rude to my sis.
I swear I'll never forget this.
She was trying to force feed her *** roast.
But Lacey dislikes meat at the very most.
So I yelled at my mom calling her a bad name.
After that things just weren't the same.
All I remember of that tragic day.
Was being pinned to the floor to pay.
A bar of Ivory was shoved in and out.
I could here my sister cry and shout.
Mom told me to start chewing it all up.
Well that's what happened sure enough.
I was gagging I felt so dead.
What was going through my moms head?
Abuse!

Its a beautiful day and Im with you.
Shamless regrets are forgotten to.
I see you smile and laugh.
I put behind me the misserble past.
You make me feel so wonderful tonight,
I know being held in your arms Im alright.
The nights may be slighty colder.
And the seasons might get older.
But when we sit it seems time stands still.
The love the passion the care the thrill.
Im falling in love this season.
And for all the right reasons.
A true beauty and a beautiful day.
Nothing will ever get in our way.
Friends for now lovers next fall.
Theres nothing more to write thats all

Distant not by my choice but mental corruption
Smiling and laughing involuntarily participating in self destruction
I miss all your smiles and laughs those good times
Covered in more emotional and physical scars lying "im fine"
Dont worry about me this life is better and its great
Sadly I lie to all who care, I just dont want you to see me this way.
I'm afraid if I open up my feelings to any of you
The dark and tormented will grab hold and stick like glue
I'm sorry I lie but its only because i love and care for you all
Even I dont know you, id never wish you on this side of The wall
I know there are ones out there that relate and understand
Even than feeling I should keep distant though wishing to hold hands
I dont know how much longer I really have to live
The best I can do is thank you for taking the time to read this

I am a little bit strange.
I may even be a bit insane.
But somethings keeps me going inside.
Something makes me wish I wouldn't of died.
I am a little bit far from reality.
Really look at me and you can see.
Now it's cold, dark almost all the time.
I wish I knew how to unwind.
I may fall short of a winner everytime.
And living was a punishment for all my crime.
I didn't think it would be sin to be born.
I didn't ask, now my life's torn.
Im crashing into waves of darkness.
It's the only thing I can possibly harness.
I know now of all my wrongs and it's to late.
I wish there was someone out there to relate.
It's ok though, I'll just sit here and fade.
Please realize I never had it made.
And no matter how much I constantly tried.
I was left alone sad and lost only to cry.

Bashful demons shaking my insides.
I got something that dose not hide.
So come in and watch my show.
And cover me in snow. cover me in snow.
Watch as I make the time begin to slow.
I will make the greed and envy flow.
I got something you could never touch.
Never to little, Never to much.
I am something that is never to be.
Something you thought you would never see.
Now the story is written and I come fourth.
Forked tongue, and flames to scorch.
Demonic fairytales in your room of curruption
Pushing fourth the ultimate of destruction.
I am the one who will create all.
And I am the one who will laugh when you fall
If you are not perfect than turn away.
You can **** yourself now there is no new day
I am the one who poisoned you. I am your God

Bashful sins keep you away.
Greedy thoughts cause you to decay.
Gasping in the air of the imagery bull.
Your body so overwhelmed and getting cold.
Traces and images roam your mind.
Careless neglect and fear is all you'l find.
For heavens pride has been laid to rest.
Sitting all alone with the red eyes gazing into you.
Felling sad, frightened and perhaps a bit blue.
Knowing when you took the devils hand.
That you have betrayed the heavens and holy land.
Now waiting for him to take you away.
God would not have wated it this way

As the summer turns cold.
The life in me is getting old.
And another story shall be told.
Fallen like angels with disease.
Soon the the summer will freeze.
Hold on summer, just one more day please.
I feel death brush over us like a sad decay.
And it's sad knowing this is my final day.
So get the hell out of my way.
Because I wont let this cold summer get me down.
This suicidal smile is my killing frown.
I am king of this where's my crown?
Summer of death, summer of deceased.
My anger and sadness slowly increase.
Come and rid of this horrible disease.

A past of sugar and modern day spice

In the past of a golden age.
To the future we turn a page.
Nothing to little, nothing to small.
But over time we have created all.
A golden thorn now settles beneath.
it settles beneath the working mans feet.
Great pyramids torn to the ground.
As the bombs drop, our hearts pound.
Was more for the better and good?
We have given all we could.
A tragic display of a wasteland.
Falling down, losing our stand.
Robots and machines create this way.
The sun drops and rises to a new day.
Further and further we **** us all.
Our generation shown big but taught small.
Look what we have into.
Do we understand? Do you?
From a sharpened stick to a firing gun.
The sugar is devoured but the spices still done.
Once you go so far you can’t go back.
Here we live in the days of black.

I am looking into the mirror at a madman.
Fist to chest and face as fast as I can.
I was only born and forced to be a man.
It is time to reveal what is in this minds eye.
It's either you or me but one of us are going to die.
The anger builds as I isolate my self to cry.
The words the slaps they all transform this.
Now finding that my old self doesn't exist.
And there is nothing now that I will ever miss.

I hear myself cry in mental pain.
The struggle with life and death only gains.
And inside my flooding head it still rains.
Release me from this rusting clasping chains.
There must be some kind of promising change.
I'm so numb and stupid I don't know my name.
My head is changing, it never stays the same.
Here I am in control of the wrecking train.
Who's to blame, who's to blame?
I swallowed it, I swallowed it all today.
It was the toughest to ever come my way.
feeling memories sadly fade away.
It was so hard living day by day.
I lived forever and watched all decay.
And it comes the last days of May.
Speechless with just one last thing to say.
Maybe your world wasn't made for me to hide.
Once again I have committed myself to suicide.

Quick to anger harder to please, something lurks silently beneath.
Rusted skin like some kind of mechanical animal dying in the rain.
Only one thing to show and tell today and that is his pain.
Quiet, a mute perhaps? The final bow takes place the audience claps.
Back at home the rust is carved away with memories of displeasure.
The severity of this mans illness can not be measured.
Like in all the other poems he tattered and wrote.
So ***** nothing helps not even the harshest of soaps.
The rust falls to the floor, quick to cover his ****** scars.
Inhaling to a faint exhale gazing up into the infinite abyss of stars.
Walking back into his house with boarded windows and paper covered mirrors.
It s the only thing that silences and hides his fears.
Backstage again getting ready for his painful mechanic show.
Apply the make up just a couple of rusting wounds to sew.
Drugs to keep him going just for this one last time.
The sickness is set aside a voice in his head says all will be fine.
The entrance caused an uproar. The audience wants to see more.
The machine like puppet stripped of his clothes showing all the rust.
A self mistake of the same self hatred hate threw away all trust.
As he looks up and sees he is only the reflection in the mirror.
The changing inside became so unclear.
He finally realized he has never left his house in years.
Attacking himself in the mirror hoping to **** what he sees.
The screams of agony run, jump and flee.
A suicidal disaster nothing could save him this time.
A true inspiration, the next suicide shall be mine

I feel like a shadow, for I can only be seen with light.
I am losing focus of whats wrong and right.
I feel like I am losing my self worth everyday.
Falling behind on love and care and the bills to be paid.
Drinking myself quietly to sleep.
Forgetting about what secrets I should keep.
Waking to another agonizing day of light and sound.
In the bottom of the bottle I wish to drown.
back to sleep forgetting about this day.
So depressed I forgot to pray.
The past is catching up all my kids have grown.
Slowly slipping away into the unknown.
One day I was going to make that positive change.
Starring into the grey skies of falling rain.
But than I realized it was to late.
No chance left to make things right it all went away.
Lonely and sober and no one to love.
Wishing I would have given more kisses and hugs.

I am very sorry if you hate me.
I am very sorry if you don't like my poetry.
I am very sorry for me being me.
I will change if you ask politely.
I am just a fleshy little puppet.
Just tell me to shut up.
Take your hate out on my guts.

There is something that I solely created.
Wishing now I would have sedated.
A self amusement of a lying truth.
The razor blades inflict self abuse.
Trying to hold onto whatever life means.
Still awake in this nightmarish dream.
\There is something that I solely created.
Wishing now I would have debated.
Confused and dragging myself into depression.
Creating a self hated person of aggression.

best friends for over half my life.
taken bullets from guns and dulling the knife.
a connection of care and true love
showing the good and who I really was.
your smile and compassionate hugs
better choices suggested than these **** drugs.
every night dreaming and screaming for the end
saved once again by my true best friend
many years pass so many trials of self hate
your beautiful eyes show me there's an escape.
when I'm in doubt I know I can rely on you
if you were gone forever what would I do
can't help but fall in love and deep into you
the savior you've become is real and something true

than came that time i feel darker and less of a man
you seem confused and less willing to understand
my rock, my pillow, the one that kept me alive
alone now dying, crying, wondering how to survive.
its work, the relationship and a new house
fading from your eyes and mind wondering how
I know now I'm a grown *** man
without you I feel like I can't even stand.
the texts and the calls become lesser by the day
but that depression has its ways.
calling out for help but you can't be reached
Sad on the outside deeper within suicide creeps
waking another day am I alive wondering in panic
living day to day I can't ******* handle it
you say you love me and really do care
but in the darkest times your longer never aware

A phone call placed to you not by me but the police
locked up in a mental ward with more drugs no release.
we talk every night and you choose to call me
the connection we had mends and feels healthy
My confidence grows and I feel like a man
Giving me support and love whenever you can.
the doubts, anger, worries all subside
but deep beneath this smile I think of suicide

again more time passes and you become to busy
Always missing you, wishing you missed me
dark feelings engulf and slowly take over
Suicide sounds fine thinking of that closure.
one last call, voicemail again my final feelings heard
your my best friend I'm sorry this may seem absurd
When that breaking point hits like a ton of bricks
Left alone to worry about me being mentally sick
I wish you were there at least this ******* time
because this is farewell my suicide my final goodbye

Something preys on the souls of the ******.
It marches fourth this sickness at hand.
When your born its to late your gonna die.
As they throw flowers on your grave to cry.
Its hateful world we try to love.
But it all ends once push comes to shove.
We all had wishes, sometimes they came true.
But it's the devils work painted in a blue.
I know you don't belive what I say.
So go ahead pray for a better day.
It will only come for some.
The ones that killed themselves young.

So beautiful, **** and clean.
It’s something I wish I could be.
Dying so young now I really never had a chance.
She walks so proud in tight designer pants.
Miss popular there’s no doubt in any ones mind.
I try and try to keep up but only ending up losing time.
As she brushes her long beautiful brown hair.
I sit with a hat on covering what is not there.
And you’d think maybe I could get a little attention.
It feels like I am in never ending detention.
She drives a very nice car and has it all.
I stand alone on the yard hoping to play some ball.
She has her life ahead of her, it must be so nice.
Thinking of these lonely wrists, slice, slice.
***, fashion, happiness and rock and roll.
I have nothing and it’s spiraling out of control.
Shes going to live for a very long time indeed.
The doctor told me I have five years left to take it easy.
How ironic is life, when she crashes and dies the next night.
As I keep pushing through this five year fight.

I sit alone, forcing myself in solitude
Fearing my anger and demolition of an attitude
Struggling with suicide and homicide thoughts alike
Living this nightmare, never knowing when I may strike

I pray for life, I pray for death
Mental shutdowns leaving one big mess
A struggle, A nightmare, no relief in sight
Closing the shades to the moon, it s to bright

The crazy thoughts come and go
Suicide watchman loses his way on patrol
Writing, striking, knocking on deaths door
Instead of me it s the few that I love and adore

Clenching teeth until they break
I m still paying for those fckd up mistakes
Still horrified at self actions and emotional pain
Knowing my loved ones ignore the signs of me being insane

But than again maybe I hide it all to well
A rotting empty self hiding in a happy little shell
Sometimes my true colors bleed through and show
Spreading my pain and emptiness for all to know

Sometimes it pushes some even farther away
And really truly, to me that s ok
I never needed the company of them or you
I will puzzle the pieces of my mental illness through and through

Once this nightmare is over and done
Another will arrive with the setting of the sun

My depression is greater than ever.
These sad lonely wrist I will sever.
I'm turning into someone I don't want to be.
everyone complains but no one is helping me.
I'm to gone and locked deep into myself.
Often wondering about this mental health.
I am not stable I am lost and sad.
I'm at the point, I have given all I had.
So if your not going to be here for me.
Than there's no time to wait and see.
Because I'm dying and I have no time left.
Before I finally lay to rest.
I often wondered if you cared.
Because those feelings were not shared.
It's not only you that I have died.
It's not only you that made me cry.
It was life it self, that's for sure.
Now everything is sad and hateful blur.
I'm sorry that I left you all and died.
This grieving process drove me to suicide.

Foundation of the family blood ties.
Have lost it all in the house of lies.
The demon holds the hellish crest.
As, daddy feels the daughters breast.
Kiss of warmth soon turns cold.
As daddy begins to take the hold.
Muffled with silence, shattered by fears.
The daughter reveals her crystal clear tears.
As daddy stares into her eyes.
He feels her pain as the daughter sleeps in.
As daddy wears the sinister grin.

Too much stress i feel depressed
my lifes so fast its blurring past
Hells an eternity so big and bold,
my world possessions i wish i'd sold
I dont need them here or anywhere
its not like anyones gonna care
To Hell with you I'll pull myself through
I've been here before, at deaths door
Dont cry for me when i'm gone, just sell my house and burn my lawn
She said the flowers didnt die... they sat there idle and made her cry
Dont say goodbye, its too late
so shut the door and lock the gate
leave me here in my room today
hello to hell is all i'll say

Hi there, you dont know me and I dont know you
What I'm about to say is uncomfortable but here goes
-***-
The true inner me is twisted, sad, ugly, full of truth wishing I could lie
I have kids but never really enjoyed *** due to molestation and victims of lies
Its been almost 8 years and still uncomfortable when it comes to ***
Only really in the mood with degrading acts but feel as though its disrespect
I have no idea why I am turned on by these crazy and awful things
Wanting to hurt, punish, humiliate are the softer side that thoughts bring
Loving to cuddle and laugh and share my time with someone I love
Always falls short because of demented thoughts wishing to just cuddle and hug
Its not just the *** there are deeper and darker things
-Loathing-
I look in the mirror and hate what the reflection reveals
Spitting, hitting, the dark emotions from my mind I painfully peel
Self absorbed in self hatred madness what is self-esteem
A pleasure arises from masochism self mutilation loving to hate on me
Ugly, stupid, worthless, Bruise me, bleed me, hang me to dry
I apologize for the rawness but in this writing I vowed I would not lie
-Other me-
A shell of a semi masculine bearded man
Tall, dark and maybe handsome sometimes I cannot stand
Feeling most confident in a skirt and adorable patterned tights
Pretty lipstick, tight fitting flare jeans a bra somehow feels right
The stigma from society its wrong, I'm gay, but I'm perfectly straight
Rare times I build the courage to step outside, fearful of a deadly hate
Inside the house looking and feeling confident and pretty
Confused, is it ok? Is it bad? These are struggles within me
-Outro-
So stranger that is what lies deep and dark beneath
Quit nervous to hit submit, a little hard to breathe
Thank you kindly for reading about the inner me
I mean this with much love, respect and deepest sincerity