There's those bad days you know?
Some never forget, some let go.
Some will blow it off, I choose to cry.
Some push on, I wish to die.
I feel I'm more important than the tv.
Obviously without words you disagree
I seen it happen so many **** times
Your too busy and sorry that's fine
But some simple attention here and there
Your just another when I'm dead you'll care
It seems like that is the best way to deal
Unfortunately it's absolutely real
When I'm dead and gone I left with the thought you didn't cared
It doesn't matter what poems at my funeral you share
I hope your happy you lost this pitiful friend
Because no one will give a **** in your end
I of course would but I'm already dead and gone
You can reflect back on my poetry and songs
Its to late to say sorry because nothing will bring me back
So maybe this poem will make think of that
I love you and somehow always will
Even over you the reasons why I choose to ****
Don't look to the heavens or into the skies
Because your filling yourself with nothing but lies
There is nothing special about death but erasing of the pain
I hope you come to mind when it storms and rains

yeah, yeah, oh yeah

living alone feeling non exsistant
so close to the world yet so distant
where is life? I must of missed it
could i get another ******* ticket?

devil man says no! God man creeps away on his tippy toes. was I destined to be a ghost? gobble up souls I eat the most.

-depressed yet its so amusing-

living in reverse. forced to smile life's biggest curse. alive and riding in the back of a hearse.
deep gashes of self hate.. the blood carried it all away. what can I say? to feel the pain you got to pay. not for tomorrow but yesterday and today come into my head won't you stay?

yeah... oh yeah...

I've been looking for someone like you. to help me understand what to do. trapped lost confused no clue
seeing myself pale skin lips blue
the body dropped spirit flew. high in the sky and back into her

best friends for over half my life.
taken bullets from guns and dulling the knife.
a connection of care and true love
showing the good and who I really was.
your smile and compassionate hugs
better choices suggested than these **** drugs.
every night dreaming and screaming for the end
saved once again by my true best friend
many years pass so many trials of self hate
your beautiful eyes show me there's an escape.
when I'm in doubt I know I can rely on you
if you were gone forever what would I do
can't help but fall in love and deep into you
the savior you've become is real and something true

than came that time i feel darker and less of a man
you seem confused and less willing to understand
my rock, my pillow, the one that kept me alive
alone now dying, crying, wondering how to survive.
its work, the relationship and a new house
fading from your eyes and mind wondering how
I know now I'm a grown *** man
without you I feel like I can't even stand.
the texts and the calls become lesser by the day
but that depression has its ways.
calling out for help but you can't be reached
Sad on the outside deeper within suicide creeps
waking another day am I alive wondering in panic
living day to day I can't ******* handle it
you say you love me and really do care
but in the darkest times your longer never aware

A phone call placed to you not by me but the police
locked up in a mental ward with more drugs no release.
we talk every night and you choose to call me
the connection we had mends and feels healthy
My confidence grows and I feel like a man
Giving me support and love whenever you can.
the doubts, anger, worries all subside
but deep beneath this smile I think of suicide

again more time passes and you become to busy
Always missing you, wishing you missed me
dark feelings engulf and slowly take over
Suicide sounds fine thinking of that closure.
one last call, voicemail again my final feelings heard
your my best friend I'm sorry this may seem absurd
When that breaking point hits like a ton of bricks
Left alone to worry about me being mentally sick
I wish you were there at least this ******* time
because this is farewell my suicide my final goodbye

You dont have to respond... But I love you
I can't make sense of it. I don't know what to do
To scared to make a move and look like a fool
To nervous and nerdy to play this off cool
I know your smiling as your eyes read this
And even though we never met it's you I miss
Feeling like an absolute idiot with no relative thoughts
To write this was a self battle something well fought
I write on, in this poem of love I continue
Only after it was to late I realized it wasn't you
How love plays us in such cruel and undesirable ways
Ill continue to write, love and hope for that special day

Another poem written, be warned nothing nice
80 degrees today and I am feeling cold as ice
4 beers in not even a mere buzz nor tingle
Work the math work with me
Were now at 320 minus the one for feelings of (insert rhyme)
And came the flood of 100 emotions taking there toll
Trying to find relief with intoxication and rock and roll
That one minute just stole my 420
And there's 69 stinging bees, nothing producing honey
Add that to 37 years of chaos and madness
Its that time once again that we derail the crazy train
Another 12 plus 13 plus that sweet 16, not enough love to much pain
100 sleeping pills drowsy now definitely feeling sick
And I can't help but notice, I am dying with the numbers 666

there here, they have arrived
through the chaos they survived
wrapped in plastic and ready to serve
Telling myself these two I deserve
A dance and date
One for lust and one for escape
Making me feel like a real man
blue eyes and a California tan
They wanted me until they were done
Leaving as fast as they had come

I want to be...
I want to be seen.

I'm the twelve year old girl looking for escape.
I'm the slutty little innocence looking for ****.
Take my hand, kiss me, love me, stand by my side.
Play with me, I'll be at the playground around five.
Feel my preteen ******* as your **** grows.
Give me attention, tell me I'm ****, don't let go.
Let me flatter you with the little I know.
Faster and faster please don't slow.
Tell me how cute I look in my skirt today.
Hold my hand and take me far, far away.
I know your older and I think that's ****.
Do whatever, whatever you want to me.
Smiling at school as my braces shine in the light.
Keeping my teeth straight and a stuffed bra to look right.
Everyone warns me, but don't worry I don't listen.
Because after school it's you I'll be kissin'.
I know you'll love and take care of me.
**** the world, counseling, and therapy.
I lost my family and friends but your still there.
And the money and drugs you have, you share.
No more school and far away from home.
Where are you? Now I am all alone.

I am three years old and it s ***** training time
I m so excited this whole day is going to be mine
On the toilet I try an try
I can t do it, I let out a cry
Babysitter is not mad though, she just smiles
Looking at me she says it s ok we will try in awhile
Mom comes home from a bad day at work again
As I say good-bye to my babysitting friend
Mommy sees the messy underwear in the bathroom
She picks them up, I feel a certain doom
She yells at me what is this
The poopy, pss infested ****** are clenched in her fist
Sit on the toilet now, it s time you learn
Rubbing the ****** on my face until it burned
*** now dmn it, she rubs and yells
My eyes fill with tears and my eye lids swell
I really want to learn mommy I really do
Did you go? She shouts, I m not done with you
Putting the ****** over my face and made to lay on the floor
Forced into a diaper, humiliated to the core
Left in the corner of discipline all through  the night
I hope tomorrow babysitter will help me get it right

Plastic eyeballs, wood fingers, strings to pull.
Never ate, But I'm always still full.
Tossed in the corner left unattended.
Feeling so sad and threatened.
Colored on, made fun of, treated like crap.
Feeling the insert of nails and wooden bones snap.
Once a favorite but now nothing at all.
The strings are cut and I begin to fall.
Carved with a smile, I cannot frown.
One forced emotion, always smiling like a clown.
Behind this creativity of man made joy.
I am something special, much more than a toy.

A handful of sleeping pills and some beer
Reckless behavior I engage because I longer care... Its near
The only people that love me are judgemental *******
That's ok though.
Because when I am dead and gone you'll pretend you care
I seen it first hand weeping because I am no longer there
I sit here and think about me and my pain

Thoughts of suicide I try and refrain
It only gets harder though
As I mentally spiral out of control
Ill leave behind my writings of poetry
Expressing my distaste in life and ever living agony

I am lifeless forced sitting still.
Hundreds of cuts no blood to spill.
Slaps and punches still I won't bruise.
Just don't leave me I am here to abuse.

Spill your pain onto me.
Lost on a suicidal journey.
Breaking through.
To something new.

Still lifeless, still no pain.
Come and attack me again.
Force your fears into my mind.
Seal it away never to remind.

Just don't leave me.
I will take your agony.

I feel so sick and I'm alone.
Listening to the empty dial tone.
Starring out the window at a miserable dream.
I sit quietly because no one would hear me scream.
Watching the fury things scramble on the T.V.
Pumped full of depression, sitting in the world that killed me.
Pacing around wondering how I even managed to move.
I know below these wrists my blood still runs blue.
Sitting, standing, walking, anything to pass the time.
The way I think should be considered a crime.
I can't speak of what I really think and feel.
And the nightmares become all to real.
I look outside as I turn off the lights.
Letting the manic episodes give way to eerie voices and sights.
If I could let my mind rest than I would know.
When I come to lively and deadly fork in the road Ill know which way to go.

The mood is set, the coffin comes to rest.
Tears and laughter God bless.
The dirt topples over my new found home.
Set to rot and reveal my emotions and bones.

Wait... Why am I still thinking?
My heart beats my eyes blinking.
Hard to breathe, so hard to breathe.
A slight jerking motion, whats beneath?

The coffin moves, I know its moving.
The sound of flowing water so soothing.
Scraps and bumps the coffin rattles around.
Screaming for nothing I can't make a sound.

Razor roots intrude into my resting space.
Cutting at my wrists and my confused face.
Water seeps in quickly turning to a flood.
Thrashing in razors water and mud.

Fighting and holding on to life whatever that means.
A small speck of light can be seen!
I can do this I can escape.
Drowning in emotions of hysterical rage.

Almost there I can feel the way out.
Still struggling to scream and shout.
Water fills the remaining spaces only to suffocate.
Two deaths in a day can anyone relate?

The words came out faster than I thought.
Than mother and I argued and fought.
It should not happened this way.
I will never forget my cleansing that day.
In and out repeat and rinse.
Never again have swore since.

Stick me with needles deep into my skin
Extracting the innocence that is held in my mind, deep within
To the social eye I am a monster a demented creep
Behind these scars and sadness better lies beneath
So quick to judge and make an assumption
To fearful to approach, afraid of pushing buttons
I look evil and my poetry is even darker
Separating myself from you all even farther
If you took the time to get to know me
Id bring rest to your worries and curiosity
But make no mistake, you hurt me I will ****
Begging to lock me up because I am mentally ill
I've given my last dime and the shirt of my back
To a homeless man and he was black
Racist, monster, ill tempered, you got it all wrong
Judge me for my looks, my poetry, and my songs
Once that needle is inserted and you take out my seed
Finally you'll realize this world needs misunderstood people like me

Its kinda of embarrassing it kills me even more
The only two lovers a loving aunt and a lying *****
What is ***? I often wonder why its so highly talked about
Whenever I try, the past haunts and taunts they always walk out
I'm so full of love, caring, respectful gratitude
Does anyone understand the traumatizing magnitude
****** exploitation before I knew what *** was, just another toy
A ****** waiting for a pure love and lies quickly and swiftly destroyed
Humiliated and abused in every way made to feel like ****
I was the man, I was guilty, no way she did it
Almost eight years now... Since any kind of romantic relationship
I convince myself its ok, though There's days I often question and slip
Is it so important that *** thing everyone talks about
Or would someone love me and bring rain to this drought

Something preys on the souls of the ******.
It marches fourth this sickness at hand.
When your born its to late your gonna die.
As they throw flowers on your grave to cry.
Its hateful world we try to love.
But it all ends once push comes to shove.
We all had wishes, sometimes they came true.
But it's the devils work painted in a blue.
I know you don't belive what I say.
So go ahead pray for a better day.
It will only come for some.
The ones that killed themselves young.

How much I feel inside today is painful to mention.
Naughty again sitting in detention.
This medication doesn't help how I feel.
Is there anything that will allow me to heal.
I'm in danger every minute of my pitiful life.
Looking once again to get ahold of a knife.
I'm going crazy and I don't know what to do.
To feel better I fantasize about you.
But your already dead and gone.
And we continue life as nothing is wrong.
Sin emerges out of nowhere like an earthquake.
There's not much more of this I can take.
So far from reality everyone is gone again.
I can't even rely on a single friend.
But in the end I think it will be ok.
Every night I sleep I pray again for a better day.
Will it come? No one knows.
I guess we wait for spring rain to drip from the rose.

Strangers stay away.
Anxiety stirs another day.
I don't know you.
What are you going to do?
Hurt me, **** me?
Take away my family?
Strangers stay away.
Allow me to live another day.

I am all about life
Yet I am still suicidal
Come drink and laugh for awhile
Killing ourselves again this night

The potential for abuse was high
Not a day went by that I didn't cry
Sitting in silence, suffering through the pain
Grinding on gears with rusted and faulty chains
After thirty-five long and lonely years
Still living in darkness, anger and fear
I can't help but often as myself why
Why after all this pain am I still alive
Its self abuse to the fullest and I'm forever trapped
Blind, in search for a new beginning with no map
Holding onto whatever life means
The pressure from depression is breaking the seams
Waking again choosing a mask from my closet
Happiness isn't there, someone went and robbed it
Tired now of being fake and playing pretend
A blood stained rose petal and suicide letter I send
I know you have received them before
But I'm already gone before this reaches your door

Suicide is the worlds horror.
We cut open our wrists more and more.
The bullet lodged in his head.
Left him twitching but not dead.
Will he try again?
Or will he be saved by a friend?
That's kinda of hard when you have none.
As another bullet is placed into the gun.
Depressed and paralyzed from the waist down.
His eyes are closed not even looking around.
Swallow his pride like if had any at all.
Soon emotions will be painted on the wall.
suicide is the worlds horror.
We delay our lies more and more.
Pills, guns, love, depression it's all here.
No longer is suicide something we fear.
Because when pain gets so great.
We will do anything for the great escape.
Suicide is the worlds horror.
Would you like a little more?

A psychedelic race has began.
Feeling this is so grand.
Walk with me hand in hand.
Show me how much you care.
Take this mushroom if you dare.
Your vision and feelings will impair.
Come walk with me into another world.
Let everything uncurl.
This summer breeze makes me feel alright.
So peaceful and non uptight.
Everything is fabulous and bright.
Come with me tonight.

As the summer turns cold.
The life in me is getting old.
And another story shall be told.
Fallen like angels with disease.
Soon the the summer will freeze.
Hold on summer, just one more day please.
I feel death brush over us like a sad decay.
And it's sad knowing this is my final day.
So get the hell out of my way.
Because I wont let this cold summer get me down.
This suicidal smile is my killing frown.
I am king of this where's my crown?
Summer of death, summer of deceased.
My anger and sadness slowly increase.
Come and rid of this horrible disease.

Today I am offered another chance.
Drifting far away from the devils dance.
I take a silent sudle glance.
I see the flowers grow with delight.
The days and nights are always bright.
I have no more reasons to fight.
Looking into the crystals eve.
Yes I certainly do indeed believe.
The blood has left my white sleeve.
Today I have found the new inner me.
Something has found me and set me free.
Today I am no longer blind I can see.
Thank you to the one who has saved me today.
There were so many darker days.
But now it is so easy to say.
That I do truly love you.
Everything I want to do I can do.
Finally I have found the right fitting shoe.

So I decide to show up to the "bubble show". I make eye contact with those green eyes as the little rusty bell sounds my entry. A smile and a wink I approach with a smooth confident stroll. The look on your face, amused and confused. As I lean on the counter the only thing that separated us. You pose your self for an incoming kiss. I lean in close, close enough for that kiss. Instead I whisper softly in your ear "lets play some pinball" setting a rusty quarter down inviting you to play. Locking eyes in a romantic daze you giggle and say "its fifty cents a play".

Hi there, you dont know me and I dont know you
What I'm about to say is uncomfortable but here goes
-***-
The true inner me is twisted, sad, ugly, full of truth wishing I could lie
I have kids but never really enjoyed *** due to molestation and victims of lies
Its been almost 8 years and still uncomfortable when it comes to ***
Only really in the mood with degrading acts but feel as though its disrespect
I have no idea why I am turned on by these crazy and awful things
Wanting to hurt, punish, humiliate are the softer side that thoughts bring
Loving to cuddle and laugh and share my time with someone I love
Always falls short because of demented thoughts wishing to just cuddle and hug
Its not just the *** there are deeper and darker things
-Loathing-
I look in the mirror and hate what the reflection reveals
Spitting, hitting, the dark emotions from my mind I painfully peel
Self absorbed in self hatred madness what is self-esteem
A pleasure arises from masochism self mutilation loving to hate on me
Ugly, stupid, worthless, Bruise me, bleed me, hang me to dry
I apologize for the rawness but in this writing I vowed I would not lie
-Other me-
A shell of a semi masculine bearded man
Tall, dark and maybe handsome sometimes I cannot stand
Feeling most confident in a skirt and adorable patterned tights
Pretty lipstick, tight fitting flare jeans a bra somehow feels right
The stigma from society its wrong, I'm gay, but I'm perfectly straight
Rare times I build the courage to step outside, fearful of a deadly hate
Inside the house looking and feeling confident and pretty
Confused, is it ok? Is it bad? These are struggles within me
-Outro-
So stranger that is what lies deep and dark beneath
Quit nervous to hit submit, a little hard to breathe
Thank you kindly for reading about the inner me
I mean this with much love, respect and deepest sincerity

Im so empty, not much left to love.
I shake my head riding of.
Oh I don't want to live this life.
Slice... with the knife.
Coral reefs and other pretty things.
Angel's with harps begin to sing.
Oh these things were destroyed.
Stab... This life I try to void.
Running coverd in honey falling to my knees.
Spoiled meat, feeling the stings of the bees.
Please... Oh God help me please.
Come and set me free.
Troubled, sad, lost, confused.
I am never happy and never amused.
This life was not for me.
Dialated pupils, sunglasses, I cannot see.
We are all made of static and tv.
Now I have lost my envy.
This life was not for me.
This life was not for me

I feel like a shadow, for I can only be seen with light.
I am losing focus of whats wrong and right.
I feel like I am losing my self worth everyday.
Falling behind on love and care and the bills to be paid.
Drinking myself quietly to sleep.
Forgetting about what secrets I should keep.
Waking to another agonizing day of light and sound.
In the bottom of the bottle I wish to drown.
back to sleep forgetting about this day.
So depressed I forgot to pray.
The past is catching up all my kids have grown.
Slowly slipping away into the unknown.
One day I was going to make that positive change.
Starring into the grey skies of falling rain.
But than I realized it was to late.
No chance left to make things right it all went away.
Lonely and sober and no one to love.
Wishing I would have given more kisses and hugs.

To whom this may concern.
Empty shadows never burn.
Complex life leading to suicide.
The pale horse we will ride.
Trapped in life never in death.
Blood flows silently as the body lays at rest.
Haunt me, haunt me if you can.
If you can find this soul plundered in the sands.
Rest now no need to cry.
In the end we all die.
Slit wrists shaking welcoming hands.
Strolling with a smile to the funeral bands.
I don't mean to depress you dear.
You will be most happy when your here.
Its like sweet honey and rosemary tea.
When your in your in says the bee.
The sting is the final shock.
Resting dry bones on the ancient rock.
Forbidden too see.
That was once me.
Death has its price to all who love you.
But personally its the best thing to do.
Weep now get it all out.
Quiet whispers wanting to shout.
Let the fear and anger fall fast away.
Living on hurts day by day.
Take my pale cold hand warm me with your touch.
Crippling alone, together we can crutch.
So many years away and I never loved you so much.

Right now I would like to say hello
******, chilled, relaxed and mellow
I was just sitting here and got to thinking

The way you smile and cringe at my poetry
Always makes me smile and that's the real me
Because without your reminder I feel alone
So lets take this moment and get ******

You might not comment or even like my ****
But we can't deny feelings are understood and legit
And to me that means a lot so here's a thank you
For letting me having a wonderful breakthrough

And just know ill keep an eye on you
Reading your struggles while you breakthrough
I might not comment or even like your ****
But I'm still there with you and never regretting it

Bashful demons shaking my insides.
I got something that dose not hide.
So come in and watch my show.
And cover me in snow. cover me in snow.
Watch as I make the time begin to slow.
I will make the greed and envy flow.
I got something you could never touch.
Never to little, Never to much.
I am something that is never to be.
Something you thought you would never see.
Now the story is written and I come fourth.
Forked tongue, and flames to scorch.
Demonic fairytales in your room of curruption
Pushing fourth the ultimate of destruction.
I am the one who will create all.
And I am the one who will laugh when you fall
If you are not perfect than turn away.
You can **** yourself now there is no new day
I am the one who poisoned you. I am your God

Deep in the woods of sin holds a golden gallows.
The beautiful waters glisten in the shallows.

The trees weep with the sight of sad misery.
The ground buries the remnants of artillery.

A magical place of fantasy and death.
The creeping moss takes one final breath.

An untainted paradise that will remain for years.
Only holding memories of death and fears.

One day the grounds will be trampled yet again.
Lost in life death is truly my only friend.

-

Deep in the woods of sin holds sadness that is true.
The beautiful waters run with blood red hue.

The trees struggle for growth and might.
The ground slowly gives way into the night.
'
A magical place that has fallen to death of man.
Moss sharp and brittle cutting of fingers and hands.

The tainted paradise stained with screams and blood.
Quietly sweeping branches under natures rug.

The grounds have been trampled nature has been disturbed.
Death of man is truly deserved

Tonight I drink to forget the harder times
But somehow it creeps in deeper darker and more insane
I want to be happy but the past all that **** still haunts
Smiles and laughs interrupted by old memories that taunt
Everyone says its the past just get over it and move on
Another drink another hit from the ****
I can realize one thing
The past has shaped who I am, still a broken king
I know I'm good and I mean well at least for now
The struggles and torment and I can't help but wonder how
How I made it through so much and am still able to be me
The Frankenstein and discarded freak amongst society
Hated, unloved, just a piece of trash to be thrown away
I suppose I can rise above that, I suppose one day
But until than I will remain a depressed and anxious freak
A better day and better life I will continue to seek