?????Do you feel that in the air?????
That's static I'm erratic coming right back at it like crackhead addict poetry in the attic its free so have at it misery and symphony gotta combat it leave it be or attack at it

Nearly 48 hours now and still wide awake
Exhausted, depressed, the anxiety over takes
Thoughts racing, blurring, spiraling out of control
Wishing for some ****, I'm at ease when I'm ******
Music fills my ears but its not what's playing on the radio
Am I lost? Here, over there, what is this show
Sleep deprived, shaky, in a dream like state
Nervous, manic looking for someone to relate
Should I call in to life and take this crazy day off
Blurry eyes, hair stands on end I'm here but lost
Almost tripping, yet I have had no drugs to try
So amazing how this anxiety takes hold and makes time fly
Should I just press forward and continue to stay awake
Regretting something but what was this mistake
Clearly distraught the madness will not loosen its grip
Outside semi calm, inside a nervous raging fit
I'm ok right? The mirror is refusing to answer
Inside something testers and grows like a hidden cancer
I should have taken the offering of pills from the doc
Two seconds with every click why this clock
Sick, queasy, I have to regain control not for me but my kids
The hallway seems longer, is it blood? What the **** is this
Only halloween props thank God everyone is ok
Backwards going in reverse yet birds and sun start the day
Run, I want to run. I need to run but nowhere to run to
I'm now realizing I'm online live and writing poetry
This, this.. It hurts... Very bad. This anxiety is taking over me
Breath deep in and out relax your mind find a happy place
Back to my feet, can't relax I have dreams to chase
How can I possibly catch my dreams without any sleep
Darker unwanted thoughts begin to stir and creep
Writing this now almost a hour in but it feels like mere fraction
Stress to my already broken heart what is going to happen
Its gone now, it just up and left as quick as it came
Mental troubles, depression, anxiety loving to play these games
I can't possibly prepare for another surprise round
Laying my head now, relaxed, at ease than the alarm sounds

I don't know how I should feel today
My mind slowly drifts away
I feel lonely, lost, with no dedication
And again I am told to take more medication
Is this life what I really want to live?
I have nothing more I could possibly give
To many mistakes leads to a miserable life
Now once again flirting with this knife
I feel worthless, *****, stupid, and dumb
The depression leaves so much pain, yet numb
Suicide is the most thought of everyday
So suicidal I forget to pray
I wish someone would come and save me
With more haste than delay.
Because today I think I'm falling apart.
I'm killing myself with all of my heart.
If it means anything to you who reads.
In the end we all together bleed.
I was sick of hurting and trying.
The relief sets in knowing I am dying.

yeah, yeah, oh yeah

living alone feeling non exsistant
so close to the world yet so distant
where is life? I must of missed it
could i get another ******* ticket?

devil man says no! God man creeps away on his tippy toes. was I destined to be a ghost? gobble up souls I eat the most.

-depressed yet its so amusing-

living in reverse. forced to smile life's biggest curse. alive and riding in the back of a hearse.
deep gashes of self hate.. the blood carried it all away. what can I say? to feel the pain you got to pay. not for tomorrow but yesterday and today come into my head won't you stay?

yeah... oh yeah...

I've been looking for someone like you. to help me understand what to do. trapped lost confused no clue
seeing myself pale skin lips blue
the body dropped spirit flew. high in the sky and back into her

Today I am offered another chance.
Drifting far away from the devils dance.
I take a silent sudle glance.
I see the flowers grow with delight.
The days and nights are always bright.
I have no more reasons to fight.
Looking into the crystals eve.
Yes I certainly do indeed believe.
The blood has left my white sleeve.
Today I have found the new inner me.
Something has found me and set me free.
Today I am no longer blind I can see.
Thank you to the one who has saved me today.
There were so many darker days.
But now it is so easy to say.
That I do truly love you.
Everything I want to do I can do.
Finally I have found the right fitting shoe.

Strangers stay away.
Anxiety stirs another day.
I don't know you.
What are you going to do?
Hurt me, **** me?
Take away my family?
Strangers stay away.
Allow me to live another day.

I'm a man of love, I am a man of hate.
Bi-polar consequences with no means of escape.
Never knowing what my mentally instability my bring.
One day a common peasant, the other day an angry king.
No hope for me, I struggle just to get through the day.
Often letting go, watching myself slip further away.
Madness to happiness, happiness to tormenting pain.
I often question myself, am I really sane?
The stress of my ever changing moods leaves me blind.
And I will regret leaving my loved ones behind.
Suicide tempts me as God turns away.
Another emotional disaster is under way.
The life I live is not the choice I made.
To far gone for any medication to save.
Dreams are nightmares and nightmares are my life.
Struggling once again to make things right.
But how many of my wrongs will be forgiven?
Staying quiet, keeping my emotional fears hidden.
A laugh is never a burden, my happiness has just gone away.
Self tormented and I can only make others pay.
I know deep down inside there's a happiness to be set free.
But how much more can I drive with my tank on empty?
A compliment or positive gesture is often discarded.
As my sadness and emptiness remain unguarded.
This is the end as the shadows of my mind draw near.
Everything in my life still remains murky and unclear.
Bleeding myself to death I never thought it would go this far.
Fading away only to say good-bye with one final scar.
I really loved you all and I am sorry I failed to repent.
From hell my love letters shall be sent.

The night sky was split into two
When I fell deep into you
The mere thought of suicide
Left wrists of sadness open wide

The night sky cried, yet it wasn't rain
Only sad memories, blood and pain
Loving you one last time, a final try
Kissing lifeless lips, your empty eyes I dry

A ancient spell I speak, reunite we will
The night sky flashes, time stands still
Reaching inside all the way to your soul
Through the madness I lost control

I can't help but want to remove your skin
Touching your cold body I grin
You can live! Well as long as I
The excitement builds as I look to the sky

Reaching for your sad and suicidal blade
Feeling your emotions wanting to play
The cutting, is quite easier than I thought
Glancing to the sky the clouds and moon fought

So much skin I nearly have it all
Nervous laughter echoes from the hall
The night sky sent us a friend indeed
Sowing the seeds of flesh is what we need

Needles and thread the work was quick
Nails to lips I felt every poke and *****
A look into the mirror the skies creation
A horrifying, grotesque, abomination

What exactly is it I have unknowing done
Moonlight from the sky glistens the gun
Crying, I fall back into your life
One shot rang I wasn't finished where's the knife

Time stood quiet as I held onto you
Crying and holding you is all I could do
The night sky swallowed by the daybreak
Your suicide was not the only mistake

The sun hazed out by the winters snow.
Time will rot, for time is to slow.
It’s to late now all has gone up in smoke
And in the warmth I was just a joke
Now frozen to the bone we try to survive
Doing all we can to stay alive
I pray for protection from the frost giants that near
The torturing of this slow death we all fear
If we make it through this cold night
Will we awake tomorrow with our sight
Frozen, Frozen, Frozen
The doors to life are closing
As the sun takes a peak it smiles as if he’s teasing
Only for us to try and cry, we were freezing
the temperature goes down even colder
I was so cold I could not even hold her
Frozen, frozen, frozen
This is not the life I have chosen

Ok so you wanted to see a lighter side
Dive wide in, open eyes wide
I'm not going to lie I like your attention
Your profile is pic is cute thought I mention
The way you use words its almost a live conversation
Lost, than a message from you breaks concentration
Somehow that frown became a smile its because of you
However being darker in heart I must remain true
Your pain enlightens me and gives a good vibe
Because I was nearly there, I too nearly died
Its that billionth try and finally someone understands
I can leave the happiness to pull you back to land
And when there's those rivers of tears, yeah you what im talking about
Come along they revive my dry and scathed drought
You may again come, you may again go.
You may be well, you may be out of control.
Its all good though because I'm a friend a friend indeed
Perhaps in the darkest of times together we will bleed

So I decide to show up to the "bubble show". I make eye contact with those green eyes as the little rusty bell sounds my entry. A smile and a wink I approach with a smooth confident stroll. The look on your face, amused and confused. As I lean on the counter the only thing that separated us. You pose your self for an incoming kiss. I lean in close, close enough for that kiss. Instead I whisper softly in your ear "lets play some pinball" setting a rusty quarter down inviting you to play. Locking eyes in a romantic daze you giggle and say "its fifty cents a play".

if your reading this, than thank you.
the unimaginable feels my head and thoughts  
I'm alone, I'm always alone.  
trying to reach out for friendship and love
But I'm just a suicidal, depressed freak
I've fallen victim to my own critical thinking
Things are strange. very very ******* strange
I have this feeling like a feeling never before
Its far from happiness and hope. its empty and dark
I'm still ok to smile twitch I'm trying, ok?  
where is everyone? Why is no one here?
Alone, nobody to talk to but myself and I scare me
phone calls never answered, same with texts  
All I ever did was care and give a ****
I guess not enough for me.  
not enough for me.
that doesn't matter though. does it? twitch
what is this feeling? Did I do something wrong?
I always **** it up. every time. I'm no good. Or am I?
what is happening? I'm still alone. I just need a friend.  
I can no longer save myself from me.
A simple friend someone just who will listen.
pretend to care! because I longer do.
The feeling twitch its scaring me. where are you?
anyone at all? Is this death? Heaven? Hell?
I'm going under now, please grab my hand.

It started with friendly innocent chat
Like a magician pulling tricks from my hat
I opened my door of false pleasures
Over love, money, and the rarest of treasures
Like a spooky haunted house I held a surprise
Your so beautiful, your skin, hair, and those eyes
A serenade of love I softly sing from night into day
Knowing the winds will carry my feelings your way

Just like a sucker, I ****** you deep within
What my plans are, are beyond all and every sin
I look to the skies and smile because I know he doesn't exist
Madly laughing and taunting this date you shall not miss
Be here at five for a surprise before dinner is served at eight
Like a helpless naive lost little sheep wandering back home
Inviting you in with intoxicating drinks and **** to get you ******

Make yourself at home, relax, unwind, watch some tv
So excited she graciously smiles and thanks me
I reply with a cursed smile and replied "no, thank you" with a wink
Touching her soft skin I gladly pour her another drink
Its almost time to prepare the meal, would you like to help
So excited she says yes. Yes to her own demise and hell

The drinks finally set in as she helplessly falls to the floor
Dimming the lights and carefully locking all of the doors
Heaping her almost lifeless like body onto the kitchen table
Shaking with knives and tools, feeling quit unstable
I cut deep into her luscious thighs
So out of it, but she still manages to cry
Taking her slabs over to the frying pan
Season to taste I work with haste carefully using my ingenious hands, this beauty will not rot and waste

Glancing to clock, I still have plenty of time
Tonight at eight, you and I love, will finely dine
A little more flesh, a little more meat
You my dear are two weeks worth of white meat treats
Almost eight and nearly done on time and this meal is free
Its not me going deep into you, its you going deep into me

The date I ate at eight was magnificent indeed
Draining her of life and blood for two weeks I will feed
Packaging leftovers placed in the freezer nice and sealed
Back to the computer, patiently looking for my next meal

Plastic eyeballs, wood fingers, strings to pull.
Never ate, But I'm always still full.
Tossed in the corner left unattended.
Feeling so sad and threatened.
Colored on, made fun of, treated like crap.
Feeling the insert of nails and wooden bones snap.
Once a favorite but now nothing at all.
The strings are cut and I begin to fall.
Carved with a smile, I cannot frown.
One forced emotion, always smiling like a clown.
Behind this creativity of man made joy.
I am something special, much more than a toy.

So I'm sitting here kind of awake
This is probably for you make no mistake
I can't help but feel your stress and pain
I call myself genius to some I'm just insane
I had a dream last night and I actually remembered
That I have a friend this crazy September
I really don't know what you will bring to share
Honestly I dont even care
Sorry that kind of sounded wrong
Perks of writing a random poem and or song
Anyway for whatever reason your helping make it right
Because down and depressed and I still find the urge to write
I suppose I owe you another thank you
For whatever it is that you do
I hope you were able to smile today
I did just for a short while anyway
So I guess this is a hello and goodnight
Tossing and turning in my nightmares I will help you fight

To whom this may concern.
Empty shadows never burn.
Complex life leading to suicide.
The pale horse we will ride.
Trapped in life never in death.
Blood flows silently as the body lays at rest.
Haunt me, haunt me if you can.
If you can find this soul plundered in the sands.
Rest now no need to cry.
In the end we all die.
Slit wrists shaking welcoming hands.
Strolling with a smile to the funeral bands.
I don't mean to depress you dear.
You will be most happy when your here.
Its like sweet honey and rosemary tea.
When your in your in says the bee.
The sting is the final shock.
Resting dry bones on the ancient rock.
Forbidden too see.
That was once me.
Death has its price to all who love you.
But personally its the best thing to do.
Weep now get it all out.
Quiet whispers wanting to shout.
Let the fear and anger fall fast away.
Living on hurts day by day.
Take my pale cold hand warm me with your touch.
Crippling alone, together we can crutch.
So many years away and I never loved you so much.

I hear a knock on the door
I take notice to the whisky on the floor
A quick spray of fragrance
Adrenaline pumps, lets dance
Kicking the bottle under the bed
Quickly fixing the hair on my face and head
Answering the door, greeting with a smile
Chatting and laughing for quit a awhile
The dark thoughts enter my head
Her and I are forever dead
Control myself and play it cool
Laughing with beauty she thinks I'm a fool
I can feel it, she wants my money and worth
Not me though and that **** hurts
What hurts more is the stabbing of her pretty face
Faster and faster like some kind of death race
Now she's ******, silent, yet still pretty cute
I grab my gun, aim to my head and try too shoot
No bang just a click, I'm frozen with fear
A knock at the door! She's finally here

Its kinda of embarrassing it kills me even more
The only two lovers a loving aunt and a lying *****
What is ***? I often wonder why its so highly talked about
Whenever I try, the past haunts and taunts they always walk out
I'm so full of love, caring, respectful gratitude
Does anyone understand the traumatizing magnitude
****** exploitation before I knew what *** was, just another toy
A ****** waiting for a pure love and lies quickly and swiftly destroyed
Humiliated and abused in every way made to feel like ****
I was the man, I was guilty, no way she did it
Almost eight years now... Since any kind of romantic relationship
I convince myself its ok, though There's days I often question and slip
Is it so important that *** thing everyone talks about
Or would someone love me and bring rain to this drought

There's those bad days you know?
Some never forget, some let go.
Some will blow it off, I choose to cry.
Some push on, I wish to die.
I feel I'm more important than the tv.
Obviously without words you disagree
I seen it happen so many **** times
Your too busy and sorry that's fine
But some simple attention here and there
Your just another when I'm dead you'll care
It seems like that is the best way to deal
Unfortunately it's absolutely real
When I'm dead and gone I left with the thought you didn't cared
It doesn't matter what poems at my funeral you share
I hope your happy you lost this pitiful friend
Because no one will give a **** in your end
I of course would but I'm already dead and gone
You can reflect back on my poetry and songs
Its to late to say sorry because nothing will bring me back
So maybe this poem will make think of that
I love you and somehow always will
Even over you the reasons why I choose to ****
Don't look to the heavens or into the skies
Because your filling yourself with nothing but lies
There is nothing special about death but erasing of the pain
I hope you come to mind when it storms and rains

Tonight I drink to forget the harder times
But somehow it creeps in deeper darker and more insane
I want to be happy but the past all that **** still haunts
Smiles and laughs interrupted by old memories that taunt
Everyone says its the past just get over it and move on
Another drink another hit from the ****
I can realize one thing
The past has shaped who I am, still a broken king
I know I'm good and I mean well at least for now
The struggles and torment and I can't help but wonder how
How I made it through so much and am still able to be me
The Frankenstein and discarded freak amongst society
Hated, unloved, just a piece of trash to be thrown away
I suppose I can rise above that, I suppose one day
But until than I will remain a depressed and anxious freak
A better day and better life I will continue to seek

I have this thought, it never leaves my head
I imagine I'm better off gone just a memory, dead
You see, the afterlife is maybe unknown but I am sure
So sure that the pain of this life will end the greatest cure
Than you have the ones that would suffer and relive your pain
Double edged sword, everyone pays the same
Selfish they all say, but I am living for you
I'm miserable and beyond help there's nothing anyone can do
Sure future smiles and laughs I would definitely miss
But look around you, violence, hate, greed, all of this
I am good and I mean even better
But just like a bird that flies gracefully and loses a feather
The bird can fly and carry on a peaceful life indeed
I'm just the falling feather waiting to land, imbed and seed
There's more beyond this life of misery and pain of decaying
When your finally gone and here you'll know what I am saying

Tonight, I just dont feel the same
Kinda nice, kinda a shame
Two friends left and there fading away  
Living yet another ******* day  
Depressed but I feel for all the wrong reasons  
Standing outside watching the skies change season's  
Sick of being a puppet, sick of being used  
Sick of my own messed up abuse  
Why can't I just let go tonight and be done  
No matter what I try life has become dull, nothing fun  
I don't even know why I write and communicate it seems all a waste    
I'm not even bleeding yet and blood I can taste  
Another struggle, another poem, another ******* day  
I'm at the point I could care less of feelings and what you say  
Most likely your just another problem I let into my life  
**** the gun, lets do this painfully slow with this here knife  
I've bleed nearly everyday just sitting writing this ****  
Another suicidal poem written for you all to put up with  
Dont worry though life isn't forever and neither am I  
But as long as I write Ill be your painful reminder to as why

I sit here in a quiet and thoughtless state
Isolated I watch all around me connect and communicate
Trying to see these "colors" everyone supposedly talks about
I try and speak, even laugh, but nothing comes aloud
Seeing ones smile, laugh, even breaking down to cry
What is it like to live? What is it like to die
So distant in thoughts that resemble near nothingness
Double eye patched pirate sailing without a compass
I wonder what its like to feel, I wonder what its like to live
Sitting ****** silent waiting for this apathy to give

Right now I would like to say hello
******, chilled, relaxed and mellow
I was just sitting here and got to thinking

The way you smile and cringe at my poetry
Always makes me smile and that's the real me
Because without your reminder I feel alone
So lets take this moment and get ******

You might not comment or even like my ****
But we can't deny feelings are understood and legit
And to me that means a lot so here's a thank you
For letting me having a wonderful breakthrough

And just know ill keep an eye on you
Reading your struggles while you breakthrough
I might not comment or even like your ****
But I'm still there with you and never regretting it

Another poem written, be warned nothing nice
80 degrees today and I am feeling cold as ice
4 beers in not even a mere buzz nor tingle
Work the math work with me
Were now at 320 minus the one for feelings of (insert rhyme)
And came the flood of 100 emotions taking there toll
Trying to find relief with intoxication and rock and roll
That one minute just stole my 420
And there's 69 stinging bees, nothing producing honey
Add that to 37 years of chaos and madness
Its that time once again that we derail the crazy train
Another 12 plus 13 plus that sweet 16, not enough love to much pain
100 sleeping pills drowsy now definitely feeling sick
And I can't help but notice, I am dying with the numbers 666

I seriously am fighting off depression. I feel it creep up on me. I feel it try to take hold. its so scary. if you seen what depression has done to me. the things it allowed me to do to myself. its ******* terrifying. absolutely ******* terrifying. twice this year I strangled myself. ironically both times the cops pounded on the door. It was that second time I was nearly gone. I even took pics and a video of it. seeing the sweat and the gray in my face. the incoherent look on my face the lack of muscle response. I was nearly asleep. So close. Than that loud familiar bang on the door. It caused a great shot of panic in my resting nearly sleeping body. I felt the veins in my neck pulse forcing the blood past the wrapped extension cord on my neck. I tried to ignore the knock and adrenaline rush. Than my phone rang. they were calling me now. my anxiety grew and I came fully back into reality scared and nervous I frantically shuffle around trying to remove the the cord that was wrapped at least five times around my neck. I struggled and panicked because I couldn't loosen the knot. The banging continued. I was so afraid they were going to kick the door in. the Phone rang again. I knew it was them "unknown" caller at 2am I finally got the cords off from around my neck as i look up i see flash lights shinning into the basement windows. my panic grew, the thoughts of me going to prison because i tried to **** myself. flood my mind. the Phone rang again, hastily I answered. "yeah everything is ok" I spoke as soon as I hit answer. "Mr. Joyce this is the Charlotte police dept. we need you to answer your door." all I could think was there going to take me away again. I'm in trouble because of how I feel. I responded "I'm coming right now I was in the basement" I make my way up the stairs and the music from my tv had to be blaring at nearly max. I didn't remember having it so loud. I run over and hit the ps3 power button cutting all the music entirely and made my way to the front door.

I do a lot of great things and I really do like me
I can honestly look into the mirror and see beyond insecurity
But when I slip and become that blurry shadow of shame
Your there to prove its all true and I'm just part of your game
I feel like I'm above average and that feels good
On any given day this goes away because your misunderstood
I can look at myself and say I love you
Those dark days you make it feel so untrue
I can love myself for me but I have my dark days
The only time you want to love is when your ready to prey
I may be yours for now, but do know this
I will stop you  from putting holes in my happiness

Its stuck inside like a barbed pin needle in a voodoo doll
Stuffed away, pressed down and to be made to feel nothing all
Sometimes discarded for days, unlucky streaks leaves me laying for months
Since I've been bought I haven't felt love, not even once
Just propped up put on sad and pathetic display
Waiting for some kind of attention any kind of play
Sitting here quietly collecting dust and partial sun
Wishing these lifeless legs could get up and run
Treated and discarded as an old raggedy doll
Forever waiting for attention... That is all

I am all about life
Yet I am still suicidal
Come drink and laugh for awhile
Killing ourselves again this night

The potential for abuse was high
Not a day went by that I didn't cry
Sitting in silence, suffering through the pain
Grinding on gears with rusted and faulty chains
After thirty-five long and lonely years
Still living in darkness, anger and fear
I can't help but often as myself why
Why after all this pain am I still alive
Its self abuse to the fullest and I'm forever trapped
Blind, in search for a new beginning with no map
Holding onto whatever life means
The pressure from depression is breaking the seams
Waking again choosing a mask from my closet
Happiness isn't there, someone went and robbed it
Tired now of being fake and playing pretend
A blood stained rose petal and suicide letter I send
I know you have received them before
But I'm already gone before this reaches your door

You dont have to respond... But I love you
I can't make sense of it. I don't know what to do
To scared to make a move and look like a fool
To nervous and nerdy to play this off cool
I know your smiling as your eyes read this
And even though we never met it's you I miss
Feeling like an absolute idiot with no relative thoughts
To write this was a self battle something well fought
I write on, in this poem of love I continue
Only after it was to late I realized it wasn't you
How love plays us in such cruel and undesirable ways
Ill continue to write, love and hope for that special day

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Deep Underground Poetry
Poems   Death  Best friend (Dec.1st 2017)

Image for the poem Best friend (Dec.1st 2017)
Best friend (Dec.1st 2017)
That day my best friend took his life
It wasn't pills, gun, or a knife
Instead he took an extension cord and put it to use
For what brought life to electronics caused the ultimate abuse
The last words he spoke
Before the final choke
I love you man, I'm sorry...

Many calls and messages I tried to send
Was this happening? Was I losing my best friend
A pray to the skies even though I do not believe
Your number rings in the late a.m I awoke semi relived

A female voice spoke I knew than before a word was said
My dearest best friend was really gone and dead
A feeling like never before enveloped me into awareness
Living how we want too but to **** embarrassed

Two days prior you asked, you asked if I would be at your side
And together best friends would honor the welcoming of suicide
And here I sit alone waiting for your guidance to the unknown
Slit wrists, electrical nooses, belly of pills gun shots left my mind blown

there here, they have arrived
through the chaos they survived
wrapped in plastic and ready to serve
Telling myself these two I deserve
A dance and date
One for lust and one for escape
Making me feel like a real man
blue eyes and a California tan
They wanted me until they were done
Leaving as fast as they had come

Hey there stranger, you want to know something about me?
The struggles from manic thinking to a peaceful zone of apathy
I look in the mirror and think, think back on my childhood days
Hiding in closets, attics and further outside my home
The abuse endured daily, finding comfort being alone
The sadistic thinking of a troubled mother and father
Exhausting my self to please and make you happy, why even bother
The choices you made and the darkness you brought upon me
The self in the mirror is engulfed in a mental, torturous, agony
All the negatives have stored themselves deep within
A look back on any happy days and notice none were mine
I got through it and I moved far and beyond that
They still linger and attack though, pulling me back into the dark
The past haunts in the most unusual and complex ways
I find myself most comfortable on my darkest days
I can smile when I cut myself, punch myself and even eat soap
I look for someone that mistreat me and hang me from this rope
I dont think I can handle or even understand love
Keep smiling as the dusty memories are swept under the rug
Its when that rug is shaken I see and feel the real me
Masochism borderline sadism, stuck in this abuse for eternity
The only thing I know is how to not treat my kids and loved ones
Have yet to slip, only with myself. If that time comes my hand is on the gun