I seek to learn
Learn how far my faith shall go
to see how much water I can supply
How much sunlight my smile can shine
try different soils
find the best one
Where thoughts can spread
and ideas take root

There are times I think to walk away
take my fertilizing free will and focus on other things
Stay inside on rainy days
and curse at the hailstorm winds

But this is too mind blowing
Pushing leaves out if the ground
Surrounded by carbon layer of questions and confusion
Sedated by oxygen of peace and understanding
I water it, everyday
to see how far my faith will grow
its rose is not yet in bloom
But my sunshine grow brighter each day
As i read the Word and think of Doves
And gather more seed in the garden of Zion

I looked up for a one second pause
and there before me was the stars
Twin sisters appeared in my eyes and streamed down my cheeks
No beauty had anyone yet to see
Except for lonely, standing me
embraced by Cassiopeia
watched by Andromeda and the Pegasus
there I stood a tree, twinkling dew
To see a sky for once so blue

you gave me an angel made of glass
wrapped in soft white tissue
she has bubbles in her dress
and white streaks on her wings
she has no expression,
but sometimes I pretend
she's smiling
not bright, or full of excitement
not sadistic, or full of malice
it's a soft solemn smile
it tells of things that she's lost
but also of things she has gained

I imagine her eyes are closed
uncovered by her braided chestnut hair
no one could disturb her
not even a speck of dust
she clasps her hands in prayer
I imagine the wind blowing across her dress
but still she remains there
nothing shall move her faith
not wind nor time nor space
she sits on my desk
and watches my sleeping face

I was born broken
synapses misconnected
only rerouted by the additives
from chemicals sometimes misspoken
Now I'm shattered
and the only one who can fault is that face in my mirror
I say it was the man who's namesake took on Goliath

like Goliath, he ravaged me and made me question
question who every one else saw in the mirror
but it's not his fault that I've changed
I let him start the film
the rated R film in my brain that won't leave me be
in day and in night
I scream you idiot, idiot, idiot
why? why? why?
every time I let it happen and wonder after
panting and crying what happened
what happened to Disney Movies, and Saturday shows
to happy sing-a-longs and family scriptures
traveling across the ocean to my hawa'ii to find my ohana
thinking to capture back
old lost spirits
idiot, idiot, idiot
why?why? why?
I look up at Him
I'm weak
your Mary has become a beggar
sainthood is gone
an angel has fallen and
wings have shattered
now to the next day
will I ask again, why did I  do it again?
or am I free to live again?

Your body is a temple
that's what I was told
that's what I believe
My soul was a temple too
then they said will you go out with me
one right after another
i said yes
  then they said
        have ***
                 *** with
                          with me
                                       me
                                            me
                                                 me
                                                      me
                                                           me
                                                               me
                                                                   me
I always said no
but I had to say it too many times
my body is still a temple
but my soul is no longer pure
they only see a toy
and now all I see is dirt

My body will always be a temple
but my soul is too damaged to be nothing more than a hut

heart aching
it's bleeding
love gushing out
shining onto future faces that I have not yet met

I want to teach them
make them smile
tears wash down my face at the thought of them crying
at thoughts of them drowning in sorrow
in them needed guidance
direction
anything to help them not fall in

My chest seizes
tension as I imagine them singing
laughing at jokes
smiling with pride at each success
each trophy and red triangular letter
that they knew they could earn

I want to run to them, I want to hug them
let my heart bleed out and fill theirs to the brim
to let my pain wash over them in love
till all feel only happiness and there are no more tears to shed

but for them i will wait
for them i will live with the pain
the pain that they are not yet mine
i will build up my arsenal of caring skills
so that when i draw the map to perfection
i Will not lead them off course

for them I will wait
with pain in my heart
because I know one day they will be mine
and they will never forget
their teacher with the bleeding heart

The night he took my innocence.
Was the night everything changed.
His shirt had been my favorite color,
A color that I can no longer bare to see.
His laugh,
So pure and happy,
Now haunts my every dream.
Those big blue eyes,
I had once looked at in awe,
Instill a new kind of fear in me,
Each time I see his eyes,
In a new friendly face.
The smell of his cologne,
I had loved so much
Is now revolting.
I was so naïve,
Young and trusting,
And he stole the small amount of innocence,
That I had left.
I will never trust again,
And I will always look behind me,
Fearing who may be there.
They told me it was my fault,
I should have listened,
To what I’d always been taught.
Cover up before you go out,
Don’t accept drinks from strangers,
Stay close to your friends.
But in the moment,
It all seemed right.
He was kind,
His eyes were warm,
And he paid attention to my every word,
Making me feel special,
A feeling that I wasn’t used to.
So like a child,
I trusted his charm.
I would give anything,
To take back my innocence,
To go back and try again.
To cover up,
To make my own drinks,
To stay close to my friends.
But I didn’t,
And I will never get back,
What I left in his bed.
I will keep the memory,
And the paralyzing fear,
Until I become stronger.
Strong enough to realize,
That It wasn’t my fault,
That there was nothing I could’ve done,
And that he was the only one that could’ve stopped it.
The night that ruined my life,
Was all in a stranger’s hands,
In his charming words,
And his breaking touch.
One day I will have the satisfaction of knowing,
That despite his efforts,
He didn’t ruin me,
I survived.