I heard a rumor that hope still lives somewhere inside you.

The night is a thrilling time in every sense of the word, and you are proud to be a child of this time.

I heard a rumor that you write by the light of the moon and the fluorescents of your bedroom.

Carpe noctum- seize the night. Latin. The flip side of the more commonly used “carpe diem”; in any case, a mantra.

I heard a rumor that you wish on stars for things that feel even further away.

I heard you have an exhausted but insomniac body that needs to be something’d to sleep.

I heard you want to create things, go someplace.

I heard a rumor that you will get there.

those earmuffs you gave me were nice
you told me I looked pretty

the whole world said you were physco
I couldn't hear anything but you

I should have taken off those earmuffs

I wasn’t made to beautiful
I’m not some flower to be admired
A perfume for you to smell
I don’t have a stem for you to pick.
I wish I could warn you
Cover myself in thorns
But then my petals would wilt into nothing
My smile curling in on itself
I’m just a book
I may have a pretty cover
Lined in gold and gilded fonts
But my words aren’t just fluff
Read my pages
Read them!
Don’t just skim
I’m not your favorite film
That you can put on repeat over and over
Watch a clip again and again just to feel pleasure
Read and you’ll find adventure
But not in a bedroom
Or the seat of a car
You’ll find it in crazy poetry
And scribbled art
Happy smiles
And twirling dances
You’ll find the story of a girl
Both happy and sad
Confident and shy
Who can’t be defined
Because there is no one like her in the entire world

But, you won’t read, they never read, they only skim
Every pair of eyes never looked at mine, their gaze looking lower
Afraid I’d notice them staring
I didn’t until it was too late
I stepped into your world, it was a mistake
But, I have no way back
No currency to purchase a ticket back to innocence
This world scares me
Barley grappling onto the girl I was
The girl who didn’t know
What a kiss felt like
Who loved everyone and didn’t care who loved her
Who could feel beautiful and not feel disgusted by the word

You ruined that
You led her in blindly and asked her to stay
While you poured cement over her feet,
To make sure she never could escape
How could she be so foolish to follow a devil disguised as an angel

I don’t want to be beautiful
I don’t try
I live everyday not wondering if I look good
I don’t care
As long as I’m covered I’ll be okay
Maybe that’s the reason why they stare
They see a mystery and wonder what’s underneath the fabric
That a smile means an invitation
A kind word means yes
That letting them touch means desire
Why can’t they see, I don’t fit the instruction manual
The stereotypes set before men to study did not include me in the index
A kind word means I want to be a kind person
A smile means to be polite
A touch means no desire for conflict
A long skirt means, I respect myself so please respect me too

But, I know that they’ll never read
They’ll only ever skim
I just hope that my soul finds its other half
Before what’s left of mine is written on by soiled hands
And then burned away in the fleeting wings of self-worth

I've fallen in love with myself
no one beside me but me
I crave the moments
when I can't breath
when there is no more oxygen in my lungs
all ****** out by a touch
no one to receive my breath
no one to give it back
I hate that I love myself
because now
i've lost the One i love

School was a pleasing dream
a world of wonder
in which I yearned
to get through the door
to the desk
to my graphite, with its #2
That scent of worn paper
and paste upon the wood
my place of reprieve
full of my passions like a
kid in a toy shop
a poor boy in a rich man's world
that was when school was
a neverending treasure trove
with golden coin upon coin
but then was suddenly halted by a hard brick wall
the word testing carved against the stones

3rd grade hit
and then my mind
began to bite their words
turning them to solid stone
as time passed on my thoughts degraded
till all was gray
and uniform
like a blonde child in a **** school
mind wiped and reprogrammed
forced to stay in line
scolded to sit still
throwing culture out the window
till only the standardized colors of a flag remained

Now I’m just a bibliophile
sitting atop a pile
with books and texts throughout the ages
heaped under my feet
but I can not make out their stories
For their pages are blackened
and their words blurred
like a rushing river of soiled ink
caused by cluttered shelves
in the library of my mind
that has been burned by torches
held by men and women in suits and ties
holding badges of authority
like my mind is a criminal
being investigated by the FBI

They tell me I should know
that it’s easy
1, 2, 3 go
but I can’t
they locked my door
once they began to teach their TEKS
my colors hid and got locked beneath
and now my mindsets stuck
with no hope for release
What was a rainbow
with it’s *** of golden words
Now resides a rusting locker
with chipping paint and faded words

The creative concepts once in my head
have been broken by just five letters
that changed my words to dull markings
and erased the color from my thoughts
like the page in a coloring book quickly erased
so the sky would be blue instead of magenta
because the sky can never be anything else but blue

Five letters that I thought defined who I was
that I was always worried to fail
A big red F peeking over my shoulder
Five letters that could destroy
thinking that they controlled my fate
three old ladies threatening with their scissors and thread
to cut a cord made of multiple choice answers
Five letters that could mean success
or doom

like a hazy brained plan to stop a war
that could only continue to grow worse as
each soldier fell while running through the minefield of society

But those five letters are just a tool
To add an extra grade
and a little more rules
Stamping labels upon our IQ
Taking away our peace and serenity
Angling our goals away from our own
Adding stress upon tentative minds
Redirecting our thoughts from right to left
so suddenly trees are plastic and
the alphabet only has letters A-H
and all we know are large cement buildings
instead of fields of flowers
My whole world in a pint sized room
with flowing waterfalls that burst from my imagination
obscured by bland walls and heavy doors
Colorful assemblies with
shushing giants making up a chorus
irony written on every poster of every wall
learn and you’ll pass
go to sleep and you’ll pass
eat healthy and you’ll pass
no need for imagination
no need for outside experience
just sit in that chair
and take that quiz
that test
that exam
that benchmark
We’ll have fun later in the year,
but that better not be your essay topic
and that story better not be fiction
And all the while I scream

I want color
I want the sky to be magenta
I want to use every word and phrase available to me
I want to soar as crane flying across a lake
I want to run like a track star to the the finish
Throw down the pencils
the printed paper
throw away the charts and empty messages on the walls
I want to run down the halls
and dance instead of sit
I want to sing instead of speak
I want to learn instead of being taught

But all I can do is sit
All I can do is write
All I can do is conform
So I won’t be thrown in the trash
like a piece of worthless junk
that still has a purpose
So i won’t be stuck in the same room for more than eighteen years
like a prison sentence for not knowing the laws of this country
So i won’t be left behind
like the homeless in the streets

School was a joy
Education was a treasure
But now is defiled
by one
small
packet of paper