Why am I holding the pen!
Papers are locked somewhere in those years...
I'm not owning anything human have...
I walked that path without any hope I will need...
I walked carrying nothing and leaving all things behind me!
It is path  of no expectation!
It is path I'm taking and no one else...
It is a path where I'm matter and no one else does!
It is My path

I like my wounds, I like them because of lessons I've learnt...
I like my wounds... because of those days they are brining with...
I like them... because of making me who I am...
I like them, although it is painful...
I like them, because they are true..
I like them, because they are my legacy...
25-11-2015

I hate my feelings...
I hate my words...
I hate my pen...
I wish not to hold it and taint my papers....
I wish Death be my true friend, where everything allied against me...
I declared Love, I declared things were true and all that were thrown in ingratitude  waste!
                            I hate being awaken again!
                                     I just want to sleep
                                              In peace!

I lost her!
I lost everything belongs to her!
I lost all things that came back from the lost abyss...
I didn't look back to what I felt on that road with her...
Fierce fire was burning my wrecked castle...
Vicious Demons hovering around asking for instruction...
Ruthless Death is smelled all over the palace...
Rude Coldness was hitting my bones, taking away all my nerves...

I hit the road to nowhere, hoping that never ends..
I hit the road, hoping would end into other world...
I hit the road, hoping I would leave myself locked in that Palace...
I hit the road, running away from the annihilation happened inside me...
I hit the road, with question...

                   What possible for me out of "Love"?
23-11-2015

All over the years I lived...
Throughout things I've experienced...
I concluded that nights are the only companion to contract with...
I want to stop reading the lines of my life...
I don't want to live the predicted life...
I don't want my lines to go out of my books...
I want to sleep without waking up for anything...
                           "I can't stop thinking of her"
Recalling her last image and voice like making love at Celestial level!
Making love with pain in soul!
23-11-2015

The whole universe has been shaken!
                                     Breathes became heavy..
                                     Soul fighting chest to run...
                                     Heart about to explode...
Trust, to what...to who.. to where!
I paid my dues and lot more than that and still paying as a philanthropist!

Connection: Ghosts were my best companions, where silence was our language...

Discovery: Paths were crossed with each others, declaring another lost in new path...

Give up was not in my dictionary, I was seen once and i'm seen again. But pain is the theme that prevails now...

Faith in the unknown is fading taking me to unease state, but I feel happy. As if Irony became a new friend to share with the ***** to let the world spins around you...

Declaring a war of uncertainty and to anything else you don't feel...
I will write my own praises...
I understand how bad things will come in the way, and I won't care...
I understand that I won't live an easy life, and I will take my part in that...
I will define my world in order to be remembered, by those who passed by me and those who are in heaven!
                                       I will be the person of my Own!
22-11-2015

How on earth my "Love" landed with "The Poker Face"!
Every details of her glowing eyes speak freedom, was seen!
Every vibes of her little smile and shielded words were felt and touched...
Every unclear fear was wonder in her tone!
Every concealed happiness is breathed!
                              How on Earth she is a
                                 "The Poker Face"
How on earth I felt safe with her with her hug!
How on earth I found the lost self with her!
How on earth I'm breathing from my soul, when I'm with her!
                            Unless I'm still Dead and I'm in Dying Process!
                                                   Then
                                      It makes sense!
22-11-2015

I gazed!
Time had stopped for a minute looking at her eyes and watching her smile..
                           I gazed!
Asking her eyes, her heart for that kiss which I might die after it!
                           I gazed!
Remembering "Ya dude"!
Remembering "What the Fxxk"!
Feeling the fight between my limbs and soul over her....
It might fulfil me to:
Smell her!
Touch her face!
Be with her silence!
Hug Her!
                           I gazed!
Looking at her hands where they are taking me, and the sea behind her!

                           I gazed!
Knowing nothing except something is growing inside me!

                           I gazed!
I want the real her! Not the years of her!

                           I gazed!
Telling her with no words...
"Don't you feel me, how your love burns me!
22-11-2015

What would "Explode" looks like? Interesting to know!
Would "Explode" by my signature...
How would "Explode' be seen!..
How would "the discussion between heart and spirt" be perceived!
Hallucination... Maybe!
Rebelion... Could be!
Depression... What the Hell!
Lonely Nights... It doesn't matter!
All those might be seen, but I was not seen!
The real me was still not seen!
The Real Bleeding of Soul and honest heart!
I would love her and tell the whole world!
I would be Crazy...
I would be Messy...
I would be whatever they think...
                               But
I won't harm my heart anymore..
I won't go through silent heart....
I won't go through human contexts of what is right or wrong!
I won't "explode"...
                          I am simply alive...
                          Simply Breathing...
21-11-2015

Walking the road with her, not feeling my body or the things around me!, as if everything paused for understanding what is in the air!
Walking the road with her, and the only longing was to disappear from world so she won't see the pain my body hold!
Walking the road, I couldn't see a thing that belongs to me except the love I have for her!
Walking the road, seeing that my love to her is going so fast although it didn't started...
Walking the road with her, wishing not to end... looking to my watch asking God to take the tears of that heart, that beats in joy for the first time after ages...
Walking the road with her....
Eyes were looking away somewhere!...
The black hair that I want to touch, like a dark night!...
Lips how they are moving..
The tone how going low and sad...
Her silence, that invites me to say why?...
Hands and viens, how thin they are and warm...

It is a lonely night that i fear from!
Such a lonely day that I'm glad that I survived...
Walking the road with her, all my limbs running to its world!
I don't know why the whole being of me pushing me to have that hug and kiss!
The fear that the hug and kiss would take my life to Hell...
23-11-2015

Why Now!
Why Her!
Why I miss her!
I went to her to be with you, and don't know why all roads were leading to her with eagerness...
My breathes taken away, when she said she will leave...
Why fear went sneaky inside me, saying you brought hell to your castle!
My face says something...
My heart says something linked to face!
My soul says the unspoken words to me!
I'm happy, but I hate her!
I'm happy, but I feel pain in my heart!
I'm happy, but scared!
I'm happy that i'm alive because of her!

I missed her!
I missed the anger in her eyes!
I missed the arrogance in her lips..
I missed when she moves her hair aside, when she thinks deeply!
I missed her, when she smiles out of challenge...
I missed her, when she moves her eyes brow and open eyes out of cynical!
I missed her voice...
I miss you....
But all those became ashes flying in air...
I don't regret my time with you, I regret my heart let me feel fool!
As if i'm singing " When love finds a fool" song!
I'll miss my heart!

Folding her legs and sitting gently on sand afraid of hurting sands under her...
Like a gentle breathe on those dunes... dancing gracefully in silence...
Looking at her silence, like a story of a longing to peace is prevailing...
Looking at her silence, ****** me to dwell in the untold story...
Eager to know where the deep will reach inside her...
I will sit with her, listening to her story, but would she trust me...
Would she feel safe with me...
I can keep writing about her till my ink ends... But do i have the right?
A question that even life couldn't answer!

"We get crushes on others, not because we truly love and understand them, but to distract ourselves from our sufferings" How to Love
Book by Thich Nhat Hanh
I felt Naked!
I felt being with no hope left!
I felt I have to leave the world!
I flet I need help!
No air to breath...
No bed to lay on...
No sleep to catch...
All States are taken away and given to someone...
Graving to rest..
Graving to know...
Graving to live..
It is only one thing I look for...
                               It is only
                                Love
                           Is it much?

In the casket I saw you!
With a smile you are laying there!
The echo all over the place!
Whispers all around me and about you!
Who is the handsome?
Who is the one in silence?
Who is the one in quite look?
I read the eulogy, with faith it won't be heard only in heaven!  
I'm not lamenting you!
I just wanted to tell them the secret!
Just wanted to tell them who are you!
The echo carried my words..... With pain!
Prayers stopped from being spelled over you!
Are you doomed?
No!
Prayers are crying on you!
You are in safe hands!
Rest in peace!
It is not our funeral!
It turns to be their funeral and we are invited!
We are alive more than they do!
We are alive!

"You Sound Different"....
A question sent me back to days where the strange epic in my life!
A question kidnapped me to a moment where i was not me!
A moment I felt not connect to mind and my flesh...
A question let me stray in every pulse of my heart was given in this journey...
I shared the strange love and emotions freely with them... with happiness of feeling there is something inside me...
Stephanie... The Voice from Heaven... Listened with open heart...
Pushed me gently to be grounded in unstable ground!
Nancy.... The Fearless Artist.... You can hear her voice from back cheering your spirit telling you " I have your back"....
A night won't be forgotten...
A night where minds put a side...
A night where hearts and souls were chanting...
A night where...
                            Silver Samurai
                            The Voice from Heaven
                            The Fearless Artist
                                       are
Around that "Inner Light"
I felt healed with them and because of their generosity...
I felt healed because of their true selves...
                                       Thank you!

Beliefs were cracking in Hell in Black November...
Shaking hands with demons and Satan was near in Black November...
All my belongings in this world were lost in Black November...
To unspotted Dungeon I prayed to heaven to lead me...
Melancholy was my melody...
Blasphemous was my creed...
Doom was my direction...
Giving up on people...
Trusting no spirit around me, even myself...
Reading all my scripts, Leading to nowhere...
Loss upon Loss...
Losing my compass!
Losing my right to live!
Losing the bright side!
                                       Losing my soul!
All my limbs are not belonging to me anymore..
Anger snatching my flesh leaving me naked...
Bones are withering with the wind...
                                       I want to declare my Death....
Going to places and not feeling being there...
Looking at faces and can't remember I've been with them...
Talking without hearing my words reaching my throat...
                                              Am I Alive?
"You look different"!!!
Healers from different part of universe, looked at me saying "Put your self in Ease"!
You are the Quiet Angel, Keep Shining your light, never hide it!
                                         You are Special!
Your Heart is open and will heal!
Your Heart will be in Harmony!
Your Heart will be clear and you will have clarity in sight!
                                         The Light felt inside me!
With no pain in heart beating, my morning started!
With no expectation my mind woke up!
Reborn differently with solid Hope!
Thanks! (T & J)

Take it easy my Heart!
It is only a tiny pain!
You were with me all those years!
Don't give up on me now!
Our journey just started!
Don't be afraid!
I'm with you!
I can't promise that the journey will be predicted!
I can't promise that we will face same things we used to face before or known to us!
However....
You will see my face smiling at you gently!
I can't promis....
The road will be paved!
There will be light everywhere we go!
A place to rest!
A place to recover!
However.....
You will find me.....
Your road buddy!!
Listening to your words!
Listening to your whispers!
In every corner guarding you!

You are not alone!
You will find me in the melody played in the sphere!
You will find me your.......

                                 Shelter

The moon guarding me in silence!
I know his words and what he wants from me!
I know his worries!
Put your worries at ease my friend!
My heart still alive and beating!
My heart still in his place and I'll take care of him!
Thank you for being there and I can see the sad look In your face and the tear you are holding back!
I'm the Fearless Ronin, whose ups and downs are part of his journey!
Although downs are deep, but they are taking me to a higher place!
Taking me to be;
More shining in loving the universe!
More open like crystal!
More grounded like the Temple on the top of a mountain!
More profound like deep blue ocean!
More gentle like a ****** soul!
I'm not that shallow!
I'm bigger that can't be contained!
Thanks for those sparking stars around you!
Thanks for their light!
Thanks for their genuine glow!
I'm just ready for that
                           goodbye kiss!

Scary label!
****** in principle!
Ruthless by craft!
He is the one who lost a privilege!
He is the Drifter! Wandering in universe looking for answers! Looking for himself! Looking for privilege taken from him!
Would he be interested in people around him?
Would he look around for comfort?
Would he consider the pain inside him?
Would he consider those scars in his body?
                           He is a Drifter!
                           He is ahead than others!
                           He is a seeker!
Nothing more to lose, but more to gain!
No more to dwell in the past, more journeys to go through!
Breaths to be inhaled and power to exhale!
There is purpose, meaning, belief, faith and hope!
Those don't exist in loser, they exist in
                           Fearless Ronin!

On my bed taking the Warrior rest, I saw half moon!
On my bed, with sick heart looking at him and wondering
               "Do you want to say anything to me?"!
                    Where is the other half is hiding?
Tell me .....
                why are you shining at your half only?
Are you listening to music around me!
My blood are shining inside me more than you do outside!
My words are alive in me, more your glowing in the dark night!
                Are you trying to say something to me!
I still see you a half moon!
And I'm still resting!

For years I forgot you!
For ages I neglected you!
I didn't know that you exist!
I cared about others and you were not there at all!
I won't apologize!
I won't regret doing that!
I won't look back at those years!
                       We are now together
You and me here changing the world inside us!
You and me here transforming the universe around us!
                       We are the perfect combination
We CARE and that what makes us unique!
We Hear the heart conversation, and that what makes us the Heart whisperer!
We Touch The Pain gently, and that is why hearts come back to us!
                       We are the perfect combination
We are in a long journey and I count on you!
                        Love you my......
                                Soul

The Sky is angry!
Irony how the universe feels you more than humans!
Clouds gathered to listen to my anger!
Air blowing around Clouds to feel the echo of agony!
Birds hide away from Seeing the Soul's Bleeding!
Looking to my dry skin, thinking how rough the journey i went through was!
Feeling the cold deep inside my arteries!
Can't swallow the breath....can't sense the heat in my blood..
Feeling the shy tear asking for permission to let it go!...and I don't have the sense what to do! I can't help at the moment!
My question!....
                                          Is it Betrayal?
                                          Is it Normal?
                                          Is it part of human's game?
Still there other questions inside me, wondering what is rational left out!
Leaving things behind me, I feel dishonoring my essence!
                                         Thank you...
I saw the other half of the cup!

Kindness was my skin...
Softness washy gown...
Tenderness was my voice...
All That was taken from me at the point of time!
                                           Then
Mystery was my shield  
Lamentation was my Poetry
Loneliness was my path
Pain was my Alley
                               Once upon the time
I found what I miss!
I found what was not there!
I found the warmth I miss in those lonely nights!
I found the Heart Beat, which I didn't feel all those years...
I felt the heat of my words...
I found, sensed, felt, lived, smelled, drank, breathed the strange love!
A lot of (I)s, but my body has no existence...
A lot of Heart and Soul intimate conversation..
I reach the point to let them down, and let my gains lost in this vast of nowhere!
I'm sorry for this funeral ceremony, where crops are my belongings...
Thank you for being there and sorry for this note, but I have to leave...
I have A call, that I have to Answer!

If I have no place to sleep, then where to go?
If all places are clod, what the point of sleeping?
If "Go" is not a direction, then will I end into nowhere?
All my sleeps where with no sense...
Sleeping in spot and my soul searching for its place!
I'm not afraid!
I'm not anymore belong to those boundaries....
I need peace within me, for me!
I long for the hope i felt in love... I long to walk in my road, with happiness...
My dictionary has no "Go" and no "Sleep"!

I stood in front of her in body, but my soul behind her....
trying to run away!
Are you fine? A question, which its answer already known!
I didn't avoid her, I did only leave her alone and failed to keep her away from my eyes! my heart! my core!
My breaths became heavy
My heart beats in slow motion
My stomach is shivering
I watch every spot of her!
I looked at her ear, wanting to touch them!
I just felt I want to hug!
Am I dreaming?!

With her I lose my compass!
I Lose sensing myself...
I lose my words of logic...
I lose all my directions...
I lose my moment of peace...
With her losing is the trophy, where authenticity is gained!
with her my daydreams became reality!
All those losses became the power I was missing!
The Power of Heart, who was in ICU heading to death!
The Lost Love, who give up the hope to rest!
With her absence, like a tiny sparking star in the sky!
I became myself again!

There sitting with my papers alone!
Watching them begging me to write!
I have nothing!
All my belongings of feelings went somewhere to mystery places!
I'm sorry, I can't help it to stop my lost!
Demons are moving around me eager to sit with me!
Eager to sit with old friend!
Eager to shake cold hands!
But they don't know!
I left my body and wondering in lost island!
They don't know!
It is Empty!

Every part of me ran away!
Evey part of me buried himself in nowhere!
The theme of FEAR was there hiding behind, waiting to jump on me!
                                   And
                            She is in love!
                          But not with me!
Here DEATH sent me a gaze to shake hand with him!
The tree stopped waving to me!
The space became empty!
                          Waiting for that shaking
                                     I gazed!
And shaked the hand with the Handsome Vagabond!
The heart cried and the first time the tear kissed my face a goodbye telling me!
                          She is in love

I can't feel my heart!
He left my chest out of anger!
Telling me, why you allowed me to beat!
In the darkness I layed!
With silence I chatted!
I'm sorry to let you cried!
I'm sorry to let pain lived in you!
I hoped!
It was big for me and you were the escapegoat!
I can't breath!
My heart somewhere lamenting!

Sorry my friend to let you down!
You came in the wrong time...Wrong world.... Wrong body!
Your friend is tainted with dreadful sins that can't be forgiven by Universe!
Sorry my friend
You have no freedom with me!
You have no shelter from those lonely nights!
No warm places to hold you gently!
Sorry my friend!

I die to be unpacked!
So eager to be taken somewhere to be recreated differently!
Don't want that!
Resenting all my feelings!
My emotions!
Heart!
Butterfly in stomach!
Welling to be taken away freely without regret!
Loneliness is my fear!

One of Questions drives the heart crazy!
One of Questions irritates the manhood around!
One of testing grounds that are not taken/visited!
How radical I am in such approach!
Testing untouched grounds?!
Grounds that might questioning Authenticity?! Questioning my existence in other’s eyes!! Questioning unspoken values!!
“Nauseous” feelings as if the whole thing is running from everything…
Unease breathes blocking blood in veins, bringing heat into those veins to explode in anger and despair.
Bringing the devil out
Bringing the suppressed pain and lost to surface!
Bringing the missing to a place I’m keeping away!

“What Am I afraid of?”!!!!
A concealed question asked inside my chest and feelings….
Its painful ache inside my stomach spreading throwing the cold of freezing winter all over my body…
Feeling the shivering heart out of being scared of his messy life…
Accelerating heart beats, as if heading to death… Heading to stop somewhere in the middle of chaos of being deserted with emotions and unknown world I’ve created…
When I started to be the “Blind Man”, and be the “Curious Being” about people and things around me….
When I started to see colors in every spot falls under my eyes….
When I started touching emotions were strange to me?
Ghosts started visiting me, with sarcastic smile on their faces giving me message that I don’t have scape or shelter from the “Lost” state I’m living in…
No Matter what I’ll do, I’ll be in that prison with no breath out!!!
I wish those ghosts were of flesh and blood…
Wish they dared show me themselves…
Wish they fought me!!!

Leaving my solitary wandering in a world unknown to me…
Leaving my castle, and keeping my secrets locked there…
Leaving my shelter and shielding my soul with thousands of armors…
Leaving my serenity, looking to what is missing back there…

All those years…
I thought I was right!
All Those years..
I felt I was in peace!
All those years…
I sensed I was wise!

But

After All those years, I realized I was Alone!
After being the prince of that castle for all those years, I found that love was not in every corner of that palace!



Loneliness became my companion in that drifting!
Mystery was the scarf wrapping my whole being!
Fear was the pain endured in the wilderness!
It is a journey of an old spirit that didn’t rest!

I passed by a garden not covered by my sight…
I smelled every smell was not known to me…
I saw the blossom of each flower…
I touched every leaves and stems in secret…

Bunches of roses called secretly… Invited me unintentionally to rest…to live…to love.

All those years wiped out…
All those years became meaningless…
I’ve been fulfilled, transformed roughly with them, unable to leave…
The eager is to stay, but the love I met took me to places where I found something beyond the boundaries of human!!

Stranger in the wilderness surrounded with their aroma!
The bless is there touching deeply and leaving you with everlasting scar that won’t cure

From heaven I fell....
With smile I was looking to heaven not worrying where I'm landing!....
Fear was not my concern!....
Heart never stopped from beating....
Feeling the cold breath on back like sleeping on feather bed....
Seeing the light ahead comfort the spirit within!....
Listening to sphere whistling for me!...
Calling unheard name!
Reading lips, scares heart and the name was
                             Fallen

Her Smile…
Her Skin…
Her Hair..
Her Gazed eyes…
In Bottom Line, I missed her…
If I said “ I’ve tried to forget her”, that means she is in my breath..
If I said “ I failed to remove her from my memories, that means she is in my blood”…
“Do you feel this healthy for you and serving you?”
It is an Ouch question, it is showing “Love” has different way, in different world…
I feel my sins from the dark ages are visiting me!
My heart and soul struggling to have truce with mind and body!
Mind wants to give up the nonsense
Body wants to get rest…
Heart wants to live with her!
Soul wants to marry her soul!

Keep remembering her small eyes like a shiraz cat…
keep remembering her voice flowing inside me clearing doubts…
keep recalling that look, where tears were about to fall…
keep recalling how shy she was hiding her face from me…
recalling how she looked down trying to hold her tears back..
to hold her breath…
to recall her silence
to be in the past..
to  be…
who is she
and
who she
was

I wonder where she is?
What she is doing…
How she is breathing…
What her Lips are emerging with…
No wonder I miss her!
No wonder i’m losing my centre!
No wonder i’m straying in nowhere!
But
Honesty showed gratitude for honouring it!
Love kneeled in front me, for bringing back its dignity!
Passion kissed me for showing the missed trace in life…
Dreams are dancing around me celebrating the moment of relief..
Vulnerability cried with me for giving away my anger with life…
I envy her silence!
   her world!
   her mystery!
I envy everything around her!
1-12-2015

One genuine breath, takes you to God’s throne…
One look to horizon, lets you fall in love with the burning colours…
One pulse of your heart, lets you sleep in the maze of unknown places…
One tear falls inside your soul, takes all privileges giving by God…
The temple still there to worship the mystery inside you!
celebrate the lamentation to cure your soul!

What?
Two Hours and i’m trying to put my immense feelings on papers..and i failed…
Looking at the picture that took my breath away….
Reading the spilled words, feelings were stolen from me and i was hypnotised…
Literary paralysed and shaken…
Literary living in the wold of spirituality that i left long time ago…
Literary i’m living in my exile ….
Literary I’m seen…
I saw her Completing her process, and everything in me hold me back from keeping the secret inside me….
Everything in me, get angry of my “Shy” and shut my “Shyness” off and said the truth that I saw her soul!!
The first fear was the tear i was about to see…
The first “Freak out” was the face turing to red!
The pain was to hurt someone i care about?
I saw all those things and i felt the pain inside me!
I’ve heard the voice saying inside “Why did you so?”
I told her “ I’m sorry” I can’t help it?
and i should say that…
I should tell her
You have been seen
I Saw you!
13-4-2015