When we bought the bag of rice from Costco, it was so big that you jokingly said that it would last our whole relationship...
funny thing...
because it did...

I grabbed it from the pantry last night, and there was only one cup left...  just one cup... I thought about saving it... trying to make myself believe that maybe if I saved it, it would mean that our relationship wasn't over yet...
I thought maybe that  if I saved it... we'd have one more chance... one more cup left...
But the reality is... that bag had been emptying out... I did not want to see it that way... we had even forgotten about it for a little while and it was just there... half full, half empty... But I should've known that it wasn't going to last forever... We would finish the bag someday... and with it... we'd finish everything else.

I looked at the bag as I took it down from the pantry... I wrapped my arms around it...held it close to my heart...
"It's time," I told myself... and with a few scoops I took the last cup left...
I watched as the rice sank down to the bottom of the *** already full of water... so heavy... drowning... each grain of rice... ready to be boiled, consumed... changed.... then forever gone.
I thought maybe I could just save the empty bag...
but I told myself... what for?... it was just full of empty promises, full of words that were never said, full of pain and sadness... full of broken pieces... I needed to let go..
So with one motion I grabbed the bag and threw it in the trash... closed the lid and took a deep breath.

No more rice.. no more bag... no more us.

Cooking... funny thing I never did it before you... why?... I don't know, I'm still trying to answer that question... why did I do it for you...I don't know... I'm still trying to figure that one out.

Cooking... it's the last thing I've been wanting to do these past few days...not like I've had much of an appetite either...
Just thinking of going to the store made me nauseous. I even ran out of coffee... and I did not attempt to even step one foot in the ****** grocery store, but I knew I needed to do it. The sooner the better, rip off the band-aid with one pull...

Well... I figured I couldn't go without coffee much longer anyways... and I needed some veggies too... unfortunately fitness and malnutrition do not mix well together... So at 9:30 pm I got up from my bed and said **** it, let's just do it...

I thought of maybe cooking dinner tonight or maybe making myself lunch for tomorrow, but neither of those things happened... As soon as I got to the store all I could see was your face... the memories invaded my already exhausted brain...  I did my best to hold it together.
I even waited till the end of my shopping trip to get coffee... too many freaking memories... I almost lost it then... I felt the tears starting to make their way out...so I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and got through it...

Now I'm at home with all these freaking groceries... just looking at them... on the table... not knowing why I even bothered...
Thank God I got some wine and snacks... I guess that'll do for tonight's dinner...
The rest....well... store it for later...

Cooking... it's become a burden... Your face all I can see...
Cooking ... I just need to put these groceries away...
I know eventually I'll find my way to it again... I just have to go through the process... the heartbreak, the ups and downs... face my fears... heal.

I'm sitting here dumbfounded... unable to believe the events that just transpired... unable to swallow this knot that has been tied around my throat... that's made my heart its prisoner.

I'm sitting here... trying to process your words... those you had to write, that you couldn't even speak out loud... I'm sitting here holding on to my ******* heart, feeling every beat... I'm sitting here unable to comprehend...

How could you...
I believed every word, every look, every single touch...
I believed that there was love...
I believed in you... in us...
You made me believe ...
And now I'm here... alone with my pain, alone with my thoughts, alone, with just myself...

Looking at this world with tears in my eyes... with sadness in my soul...
There's so much violence, so much hatred...
As if we were trying to make our own species extinct...
Some say the apocalypse is coming... but we are the ones making that happen...

Our ignorance and lack of understanding have become our worst enemies... They've transform our hands into weapons, made our eyes see the world with fear, and have filled our hearts with hate...
We have stopped wanting to learn... we have stopped asking questions... We let the media tell us what to think... walking around this world like zombies... Like blinded idiots... like two year olds throwing tantrums, not wanting to listen...
We just point fingers... and blame, not one, but all... Putting every single person in a box, categorizing them... generalizing ... believing in every single stereotype...
Not wanting to see that every single person is unique...
We might belong to a certain group, community, race, religion... but we are individual souls...
We were meant to be different... Different aspirations, different lives, different cultures, different colors...

Imagine...how boring would the human race be if we were all exactly the same... Where would we get our different life flavors? How boring would we be without the mix of colors... without our different traits??
We were meant to be different... designed to learn from each other... to love one another in our differences...

We must stop putting labels on peoples' foreheads... we have to start by asking questions, by learning their stories, and by sharing our own...
We must teach each other love and respect, Start to pave a better world for generations to come... teach them that our differences are what makes this world such a colorful and interesting place... that's where the real beauty hides... that's the real life treasure...

But first, we have to learn to see with our own eyes and hear with our own ears... Throw away the guns and fill our mind with knowledge... that's the most powerful weapon that we, as human beings have.

Share the love, the wisdom... see the world with an open mind.
It's time to Stop the hate.

I wish I could talk the way I write...
I wish I knew how to tell you what's on my mind...
I wish I could...

Because I would tell you that I'm scared shitless to lose you, that I can't help but to selfishly want you for myself at times.  
I would tell you that my heart wants to jump out of its chest every time you say you love me, and that I feel butterflies all over my body when we kiss... I would tell you that I wanna hold on to every single moment spent with you and save it like a treasure in an old wooden chest. I would tell you that fighting with you makes my heart ache deeply and that your pains, I feel  them too. I would tell you that my heart is in your hands and that I'm scared like hell that you might let it fall and break in pieces... that I don't even want to think of that happening with you...
I would tell you that this distance we're about to experience frightens me... and that my eyes fill with tears when I know it's soon coming. I would tell you that I try to be strong in front of you, but that my soul screams inside as my heart cries in silence... I would tell you that you have all of me, even if you didn't want it; that I love to sleep on your chest because that sound of your beating heart soothes my constant anxiety... I would tell you that I love to wake up before you in the morning and give you one thousand kisses as you awake when breakfast is ready... I would tell you that knowing you won't be around every night makes my heart cry... that my loneliness scares me.... I would tell you that I don't mean to push away ... this is just me coping with it... the distance scares me... I don't want to hurt... I don't want you to hurt... I just wanna tell you that I love you... I'm deeply, uncontrollably, passionately in love with you.

I fell in love with the way she looks at me,
with wondering brown eyes,
always curious to know my thoughts and deepest emotions...
I fell in love with the way she kisses me...
not leaving one single spot untouched by her lips.
I fell in love with the way she grabs on to me,
tightly against her skin... wrapping my whole body around her arms
as if the tighter she holds me the more I am hers'
I fell in love with the way our hands touch for anything and everything;
while driving around in the car, while one of us is mad at each other or the world... or both, while we make love.... while we kiss... while we just  look at each other...
I fell in love with her skin... soft to the touch, but with a strong body  I feel each time as a I grab her closer to me.
I fell in love with her mind... surprising me each time, so much knowledge, full of creativity, with so much to give to the world.
I fell in love with her drive, with her willing to always do more, to be better, to reach for the stairs...
I fell in love with her dreaming heart... with her deepest thoughts, with her beautiful soul...
I fell in love with her.

I just wanted to say I'm sorry...
I know I left your heart in pieces
I know I broke my vows... promises that I made you and myself believe.
I'm sorry I wasn't what you wanted...
I'm sorry that what I had forseen for our lives was not the same vision that you had.
I'm sorry... but I couldn't give you 100% of myself...

I know this you won't understand...
Our similarities were few... our differences, ocean deep...
Our friendship was always strong... but that wasn't enough.... You wanted connection and I ...wanted touch...
You wanted everything I had... I could only give you so much...
But believe when I say I did try,
I just didn't know what else to give of me...
I was hurting you, and hurting myself in the process...
I needed to let you go... for my sake, and for yours too.