How would you feel if you only existed when you were wanted?
If she treated you the way you treat me?
If she only came to you when she was fighting with her boyfriend
Or when she needed something?
Imagine if she treated you as if you were nothing,
Ignoring you almost always.
But then showing up randomly,
Saying she cared,
Then inevitably leaving again.
You're always left wondering where she went
Why'd she go
And what you did wrong.
Sometimes I wonder if you ever think of me when you're away,
But then I remember you hold all the power.
You only contact me when you need me,
And it can't ever be the same around.
I am always there for you
The second you need me, I'm there
To make you feel loved, and cared for, and accepted,
Which she never does.
And I never believe the things you tell me,
Like you're sorry, it won't happen again, and that you truly care.
But something inside me just won't ever let you go.
I promised that I would always be there,
and I will.
But why can't you do the same for me?
If she treated you the way you treat me,
What would you do?

I cannot just say what i want to say
the words are trapped in the back
of my throat
too afraid to crawl out
and reveal the intentions of their creator
and so they pile up
in the graveyard of the unspoken
the brilliant thought in class
the honest answer
the bold I love you
they rot inside me
like a sticky, poisonous bile
they come back to life at midnight
to consume me
behind the darkness
of my exhausted eyelids
a pack of muted zombies
that only wanted to be heard

Let me down easy
Don't soften the blow with formalities or kind words
The delivery is slice of rye that should be washed down, not buttered
Do not leave me hungry and desiring more
Let me drown in the wash of Time and liquor
Let me dive into the sharp icy bath of realization
Stop my heart and shock my senses
Spare no expense of my feelings or wellbeing
Let it be a summer storm to last but a day in my life
Then I will know that you truly care

Every word, every poem.
Every corner and every street in this city.
Every guy that enters the train with that authentic perfume.
Every cigarette, every liquor.
I see a piece of you in every person I meet.
Everything in this world is reminding me of you.

But all of that can't change the thing that you are not mine.

I want to stand
on the edge of
a tall
building-pressed against
the steely bars, the wrought-iron
coils of metal,
icy on my
legs

I want to stand
on the edge of
love, with
you

hold my arms above
my head
let you absorb
all that I
am

drunken and
stupid-
hesitant and
wanting

the creamsicle
orange of a sunset-
the brilliant pink
smear of a
sailor's-trouble-sunrise
with you.
Everything with you.
Standing on the
edge of
everything,
you.

Tell me
you want to
stand with me
too.

I asked for your hands
You gave me knives

I asked for the truth
You gave me lies

I asked for laughter
I was given cries

I asked for honesty
I was awakened by infidelity

I asked for hope
I was given ropes

I asked for a little rest
I was given death

You call out for me
and I've called out for you
Feel you down below
slip deep within
inside my skin
I don't need no boy
I need a man
to fill in this whole
make me feel your sin
inside the skin
I love the fight
of ******* the violence
succumbing to win
to keep feeling you
inside my skin
this is how it will begin
Avoid the break
keep you close
you're to close spillin'
inside my skin
I scream out loud
Keep it coming
I won't give in
inside my skin
Beat of your heart
rush of my blood
I know now
like you knew me then
inside the skin
always
craving
you
inside my skin

©ShawnaRenea

You may have weaknesses,
but God has strength.
You may have sin,
but God has grace.
You may fail,
but God remains faithful.
You may have sickness,
but God has good health.
You  may want to give up,
But God is there to push you up.