The first time Love came
I called it
Although Love was my best friend
And Love was just in the friend zone
I knew there was something special
About the way he said hello
It was like a gift
Like every time he said the word
He would make sure it was wrapped perfectly
And would fit snugly around my heart like a hug.
Love had never fallen for anyone before
And neither had I
So Love had no limits to the stories he could tell me
And neither did I.
Love had songs he liked to show me
Lyrics that reminded him of me
The songs he sang while dancing around the room
After a night out.
Love and I had secrets
The things we only whispered in the dark
While we were up till 4 on a Monday morning
Both of us refusing to hang up on the magic.
We had secrets we only shared with our hands
Morse code systems of squeezing and touching that became a dance we both memorized.
Love taught me things about myself I never knew before
He opened my eyes to a world that was no longer mine but ours
He showed me that treating myself right wasn't as hard as I thought it was
And that I was more important than I told people I was
And I could never repay Love for that.  
Love had people he wanted me to meet
Places he wanted me to see
Things he wanted to show me
But we never had quite enough time.
Love came quickly
Stayed for
1 year
A week and 6 days
And 12 hours.  
Love left
In 2 hours
27 minutes
And 16 seconds
Ending
With nothing more
than a mean remark
a few tears
3 beeps and a black screen.

The second time Love came
I didn't want him to
Love was one of my best friends
And was staying in the friend zone.
What I didn't realize
is that Love came exactly when I needed him to
He came with soft hands
A strong chest
A big heart
and enough room in his heart to fix my broken soul.
There was nothing special about the way Love said hello
But the first time he said my name
Like really said it
in the back of a cab with the city lights blurring all around me
a psychedelic splatter paint of the feelings that swelled in my chest
He treated it like an artifact
Like the slightest crack of the voice could destroy it altogether.
Love was broken from people in the past
Love wasn't treated well
Love had stories that he didn't like to tell
Because opening his mouth to me would feel like betrayal
And there were some things he still cherished.
Love had songs that he skipped over or muted
The songs that reminded him of her
The songs that he played while crying in his room
The day she broke his heart.
Love and I had secrets
but he didn't like staying up past 10:30
so we played with them in broad daylight
bravely daring chance and discovery to tear us apart.
Love wrote long messages
telling me the things he liked about me
Love used the three  big words a little too soon
but that was alright
because I spent the hours after he fell asleep reciting them in my head.
Love turned out to be someone I felt the most safe around
like he was the rock in the wild hurricane of my ******* wacked out life
like the roots that kept me tied to the ground
with a gentle hand laced in mine.
Love tells me things that no one ever has
like that he believes in me
and that no one should hate me
he's built me up from the ground and I can never repay him for that.
Love came quickly
out of nowhere
unexpected
but Love should stick around
because I promise to make it last
to make it long
and make it count.

the thing that scares me the most about being in love with you
is that as the more hours for us to be together are ripped from our hands by the hectic schedules we've set ourselves
the more I crave the feeling of your lips against mine and your arms around me.
In the hours that you are unavailable,
I want to hear your voice,
your every thought,
and the pattern of your heartbeat.
You have no idea how much that scares me.
I wish that I could spend hours listening to you talk
In the many hours between our goodbyes
and when my heart finally stops fluttering from the thought of you,
I go over scenarios in my head of me and you together.
I see nights out,
nights in,
fights,
making up,
making out,
and everything in between.
It's during these hours of darkness that my heart wants you so bad
that I find myself gasping for air
and clutching my chest.
You have no idea how much that scares me.
I remember all the times your lips touched mine,
and how warm they were.
I try to count on my fingers how many times you've said
"I love you," but I only have 10 fingers
and I can't hold in just two hands the number of "I love you too's" that I've said back.
There's a word in german
"Sehnsucht"
which is the inconsolable longing for something
or a high degree of intense
reoccurring
often painful
desire for something unknown.
For so long my insides screamed for something
but I could never put my finger on it.
I've discovered the unknown
the key to my longing
the end to the pain
and that,
my love,
is you.

The river in my head is a rapid
now, all of this flows in my mind
and I see it flowing faster and faster
in the reflection of the eyes of the teacher
who's face is only inches from mine
as she says,
"Where is the homework thats due today?"
all disappointed head shaking
as the rest of the high school class waits.
Waits
as the ink
beneath my short sleeves,
white collar shirt and skirt
begins to….. burn.
Waits
as my hyperactive ADD branded brain
begins to boil.
Waits as I keep back the bile
and get all choked up on
the prozac and concerta
that have been planted in my throat
But i keep it down and say,
"I forgot it."
Honestly,
I feel bad about this.
I want to tell her I'm sorry.
I'm sorry that after twelve years of learning,
the one thing I haven't picked up on
is how to turn in a freaking homework assignment.
I'm sorry that my head is a broken system
Whose puzzle pieces never learned how to fit themselves together properly
I forgot that it's a crime to not know theorem 6.2 or
what kind of satire Aristophanes used but I think it's
IRONIC that we're supposed to take this work with open arms
and look, I'm being honest when I say I can't remember all the nine muses names but believe me Erato will tell you that I can write one hell of a love poem.
But that doesn’t matter here, no.
because all that mattered was that in third grade
I could never remember my times tables
as if being dipped in the river lethe made you any less of a person
as if the kids who were telling me I was dumb thought I needed confirmation
I’m trying to pull out the lessons we learned at carpet time like
2, 4, 6, 8…?
no one could appreciate that I was trying,
everything would just get swept away
leaving me bone dry and forgotten.

A mother
prepared for motherhood
is a rarity
waiting for the
right time
right man
to be what
she was born to be
reproductivity organs
rest within the mothers
womb.

A mother prepared
to continue the race
aware of her permanent
embrace
of her children…
to know a mother
look within
the human desire for
love.
her love is infinite
gut wrenching
consciousness capturing
species supporting
emotions of pure
reward.

A mother prepared for
the time
any time
of her child's life.
out of her mind
shifted to their perspective,
temporarily.
personally stagnated
and yet
developing among the heights of
the Mountain Men.
where is this
civilized woman's women?
men request gurus
mothers are the re-quest
of women.
and men too…
but the commitment is meant
to be shorter.

A mother prepared for motherhood
is a rarity.
her tribe has been
robbed
from around her.
her grandmothers wisdom
is buried
in layers she's not
hip to yet…
then her hips stretch
motherhood calls,
and she reclaims them anyways.
because its her intention.
she's a woman.
in some cultures you're not a mother
until you're a grandmother!
I better understand
old wives tales now…

the massive movement
away from matriarchy sees to be a major
point.
are we prepared to rise up?
rise up our sons
mirror for our daughters
submit to our birthright?

…hey I couldn't live with me mom either.

I used to have feelings
it seems like I even used to smile
so many dealings
I used to, but it's been a while

I used to be positive
I didn't even use the word "never"
life is causative
I haven't felt that way forever

I used to think clearly
my mind was as sharp as a tack
scarred severely
those days aren't coming back

While fools burn my city down,
Even though you ****** me over,
Lied to me several times,
And are now with someone else,
All I want to do is tell you
I hope you stay safe tonight

Why did you have to pull me in like this?
Why couldn't you be like every other girl?
Benign? Impermanent?

You were untraditional, unorthodox,
You became air where there was none,
Water where there was only dust

And then you told me that you were sick,
And nothing brings two people in like illness,
All of a sudden everything changed

I've never felt like much of a father figure,
But ******* you made me care like one,
Probably why it's still so agonizing

And I'm still tasked with laughable ideas
Like "letting go" and "moving on"
And I know that there's no alternative

There is no room for me in your life,
You've set sail for new waters,
And I'm simply left to drown